As I lie in Lukeโs arms, I canโt stop thinking about the prescription I wrote for EJ.
I thought spending the evening with Luke would take my mind off of it. And it did for a little while. Luke is good at getting me to laugh, even when Iโm in a terrible mood. But tonight is a lost cause. EJ claimed it would be the only prescription he would ask from me, but he was lying. I knew it without even seeing the twitching under his right eye.
He will keep asking for more and more. Pushing me harder and harder.
I have to stop him.
Luke squeezes my shoulders, pulling me closer to his warm body. I try to banish thoughts of EJ from my head and enjoy lying next to Luke. I cleared out a drawer for him a few days ago, and as he filled it with his clothing, the thought occurred to me that it might not be so bad if he were living with me. It would be nice to have him around all the time.
Not now. But maybe someday.
โThat portrait of you is so great,โ he comments. โIt looks just like you.โ
It was funny the way Lukeโs mouth dropped open when he saw the almost comically large portrait of me that I hung over the mantle. I hung it there partially to make him laugh. But I also did it for my patient. Her traumatic experience
formed the crux of my newest book. Sheโs made a lot of progress with me, and I suspect we will conclude our sessions soon.
โYou donโt think itโs too gigantic?โ I ask.
โNo way!โ He squeezes me again. โItโs larger than life.
Like you.โ
โIโm glad you like it.โ
โI love it.โ His lips press against my forehead as he holds me close to his body. โAnd also, I loveโฆ you.โ
There it is. The three words weโve both been skirting around for the last several weeks. He finally cracked and said it like I knew he would. Iโve heard those words said to me several times before, but this time I do something completely unexpected and inappropriate and unlike me.
I burst into tears.
Luke is shaken by my reaction. He pulls away from me, struggling to sit up in my king-sized bed. โHey,โ he says. โHey. Donโt cry.โ
โIโm not crying,โ I say pointlessly, as I swipe a hand over my leaky eyes. โIโm fine.โ
โI didnโt say it becauseโฆโ He grabs my hand. โLook, Adrienne, I didnโt say it to upset you. You donโt have to say it back. I was just feeling it right then, so I said it. And Iโm not sorry I did, but it doesnโt change anything. I justโฆ I wanted you to know. But Iโm not hurt if you donโt say it back. I promise.โ
Heโs so good. Heโs so sweet. I wish I could be happy with him. I wish my life werenโt so complicated.
โIโm not crying because ofโฆ of that.โ I wipe my nose with the back of my hand, wishing I had a tissue. And then, magically, Luke produces a tissue for me, which I accept gratefully. โItโs something else. I have a problem. It has nothing to do with you.โ
โThe intimacy issue?โ
I look up sharply. โNo. Not that kind of problem.โ
He rubs his jaw. He shaves every morning now because he knows I like him better that way, but itโs almost bedtime and he has a rough stubble on his chin. โOkay, Iโm sorry. I justโฆ what kind of problem?โ
โIโฆ Iโm being blackmailed. By a patient.โ
Lukeโs jaw goes slack. He looks even more stunned than he was by the giant portrait over the mantle. โBlackmailed?โ
I nod.
โJesus Christ.โ He shakes his head. โIs this that guy who has been showing up in the middle of the night and texting you all the time?โ
I nod again.
He rakes a shaky hand through his short hair. โJesus,โ he says again. โI canโt believe thatโฆ What is he blackmailing you over?โ
โHe has a video of me. It could wreck my career.โ His eyes widen. โA video?โ
โItโs not s*xual,โ I say, before he can let his imagination run wild. โBut itโs something Iโm not proud of.โ
โItโs really that bad?โ
I swallow. โYes. It is. And heโs holding it over me. Thereโs nothing I can do about it. Unlessโฆ.โ
โUnless what?โ
โWellโฆโ My palms feel sweaty. I wipe them on the blanket next to me. โYou said when you were in high school, you used to be pretty good at hacking into computers, right?โ
Luke is silent for a moment as he narrows his eyes at me. โYesโฆโ
โMaybe you could find the video for me andโฆ delete it.โ
He pulls away from me, his eyes still wary. โI canโt do that.โ
โWhy not? You said you know how.โ
โItโs not that simple. I canโt just hack into some random guyโs home computer and delete a video. Maybe if I were in
his houseโฆโ
โAnd what if I could get you into his house?โ
He inhales sharply. โAdrienne, whatโs on that video?โ
โSomething bad, okay?โ A fresh wave of tears rises to the surface. โCanโt you just trust me and help me? Iย needย you, Luke. Youโre the only one who can help me with this.โ
He leans forward in the bed and rubs his temples with his fingertips. He doesnโt like what Iโm asking him, but I already know heโs going to say yes. He has never said no to anything I have asked of him. I might be falling for him, but he has fallen far harder for me.
โSo what do you want me to do exactly?โ he finally says.
I sit up straighter in bed. โIโll get you his apartment keys. You go to his house, get into his computer, and delete any traces of the video.โ
โAnd how are you going to get his keys?โ โLet me worry about that.โ
โYou knowโฆโ He lifts his eyes. โEven if we delete it from his phone and I somehow get into his computer and find the video there and delete any traces of it, he may still have another copy somewhere else.โ
โI donโt think he does.โ I know EJ, and heโs not organized enough to do something like that.
He drops his head back against the pillow. โI donโt know about this, Adrienne. We could get in a lot of troubleโฆโ
โPlease help me, Luke.โ I reach for his hand, lacing my fingers into his palm. His hand is so much larger and warmer than mine. โYouโre the only one who can help me. I need you. Iโฆ I love you.โ
Itโs a cheap trick. He told me he loved me, and Iโm only saying it back now that I need something from him. I do love him, I really do, but the timing of my declaration is more than suspicious.
But amazingly, my shameless tactic works. His face softens, and that guarded expression fades away. He
squeezes my hand in his.
โOkay,โ he says. โIโll do it.โ