Departure from Malpert Station was a quick and hurried affair. Kira had been on plenty of expeditions where the preparation took nearly as long as the trip itself. Not so in this case. The crew moved with purpose to ready theย Wallfishย for the journey to come, rushing through work that normally would have taken days. Captain Akawe had given orders that the Malpert port authority was to give them every possible help, and that sped things up also.
While loader bots filled the starboard hold with supplies and, outside, pipes funneled hydrogen into theย Wallfishโs tanks, the crew swapped empty air canisters for full, removed waste, and replenished stores of water.
Kira helped as she could. Talk was limited on account of the work, but when the opportunity arose, she pulled Vishal aside, where the others couldnโt hear. โWhat happened with the Numenist?โ she asked. โIs he okay?โ
The doctor blinked, as if heโd forgotten. โTheโOh, you mean Bob.โ โBob?โ Somehow Kira had trouble imagining calling the purple-haired
manย Bob.
โYes, yes,โ said Vishal. He twirled a finger by his temple. โHe was crazy as a spacebird, but other than that, he was fine. A few daysโ rest and heโll be as good as new. He did not seem to mind that you stabbed him.โ
โNo?โ
The doctor shook his head. โNo. It was a point of some pride with him, even though he promised toโand I quote here, Ms. Navรกrezโโknock off her knobblestone head,โ end quote. I believe he meant it too.โ
โI suppose Iโll have to keep an eye out for him,โ Kira said, trying to sound as if everything were alright. But it wasnโt. She could still feel the spines of the Soft Blade sliding into the Numenistโs knotted flesh.ย Sheย had
done that. And this time, she couldnโt claim ignorance, as with her team on Adra.
โIndeed.โ
Then they returned to readying theย Wallfishย for departure.
Soon afterwardโso soon that it surprised KiraโFalconi was on the line to the UMC cruiser, saying, โWeโre just waiting on you,ย Darmstadt.ย Over.โ
After a moment, First Officer Koyich responded: โRoger that,ย Wallfish.
Alpha Team will be there shortly.โ
โAlpha Team?โ Kira asked as Falconi ended the call. They were in the cargo hold, overseeing the last delivery of foodstocks.
He grimaced. โAkawe insisted on having some of his men on board to keep an eye on things. Nothing I could do about it. Weโll have to be ready in case they cause trouble.โ
Nielsen said, โIf thereโs a problem, Iโm sure weโll be able to deal with it.โ She gave Kira a hard glance and then fixed her gaze straight ahead.
Kira hoped she hadnโt made an enemy of the first officer. Either way, there wasnโt anything she could do about it; the situation was what it was. At least Nielsen wasnโt being actively unpleasant toward her.
Alpha Squad arrived a few minutes later: four Marines in exos, towing boxes of equipment wrapped in webbing. Accompanying them were loader bots carrying cryo tubes and several long, plastic crates. The lead Marine jetted over to Falconi, saluted, and said, โLieutenant Hawes, sir. Permission to come aboard.โ
โPermission granted,โ said Falconi. He pointed. โThereโs room for you in the port hold. Feel free to move whatever you need.โ
โSir, yes sir.โ Then Hawes motioned with one hand, and a loader bot moved to the front, pushing a pallet with a containment bottle suspended from shock-absorbing springs within a metal frame.
Kira resisted the urge to leave. None of the planet-based spaceports she knew of were allowed to sell antimatter. If the magnetic bottle failed, the resulting blast would not only destroy the port (while also setting off the antimatter contained in the other parked ships), but also take out any nearby settlement, town, city, etc. Hell, Earth didnโt even allow ships equipped with Markov Drives to land unless they off-loaded their antimatter onto one of several refueling stations in high orbit.
The presence of the containment bottle seemed to make Falconi nervous as well. โDown the hall to the ladder. My machine boss will meet you there,โ he said to the bot. He gave it a wide berth as it floated past.
โOne more thing, sir,โ said Hawes. โSanchez! Bring them up!โ
From the back came a Marine leading the bots that carried the long, plastic crates. On the sides of the crates were printed or stenciled lines of red text: Cyrillic on top, English below.
The English saidย RSW7-Molotรณkย and was followed by a logo of a star going nova and the nameย Lutsenko Defense IndustriesRM.ย And bracketing both the English and the Cyrillic were the black-and-yellow symbols for radiation.
โA gift from Captain Akawe,โ said Hawes. โTheyโre local-made, so they arenโt UMC equipment, but they should do the trick in a pinch.โ
Falconi nodded, serious. โStash them over by the door. Weโll get them to the launch tubes later.โ
In an undertone, Kira asked Nielsen, โAre those what I think they are?โ The first officer nodded. โCasaba-Howitzers.โ
Kira tried to swallow, but her mouth was too dry. The missiles would be packed full of fissionable material, and fission scared her nearly as much as antimatter. It was the dirty, nasty form of nuclear energy. Shut down a fusion reactor, and the only radioactive materials left were those that had beenย madeย radioactive by neutron bombardment. Shut down a fission reactor, and you had a deadly, possibly explosive pile of unstable elements with a half-life that meant they would stay hazardous for thousands of years.
Kira hadnโt even known the shipย hadย missile launchers. She ought to have asked Falconi exactly what sort of weapons were installed on theย Wallfishย before theyโd gone after the Jelly ship.
The Marines filed past, the thrusters on their suits producing small jets of vapor. Trig, who was next to the captain, stared with big eyes, and Kira could tell he was bursting with questions for the men.
A few minutes later, the Entropists showed up, travel bags in hand. โImagine seeing you here again,โ said Falconi.
โHey!โ said Trig. โWelcome back!โ
The Entropists caught hold of a grip on the wall and dipped their heads as best they could. โWe are most honored to be here.โ They looked at Kira,
their eyes bright sparks beneath the hoods of their robes. โThis is an opportunity for knowledge that we could not possibly decline. None of our order could.โ
โThatโs all well and good,โ said Nielsen. โJust stop talking double. It gives me a headache.โ
The Entropists again inclined their heads, and then Trig led them off to the cabin where they would be staying.
โYou have enough cryo tubes?โ Kira asked. โWe do now,โ said Falconi.
After a flurry of final preparations, the door to the starboard hold was closed and Gregorovich announced in his usual, demented way: โThis is your ship mind ssspeaking. Please make sssure all your belongings are sssafely stored in the overhead compartmentsss. Lash yourself to the massst, me hearties: decoupling commencing, RCS thrusting impending. Weโre off to parts unknown to tweak the nose of fate.โ
Kira headed to Control, slipped into one of the crash chairs, and strapped herself down. The rest of the crew was there, save Hwa-jungโwho was still down in engineeringโand Sparrowโwho was recovering in sickbay. The Entropists were in their cabin, and Alpha Squad was in the port hold, still locked into their exos.
As theย Wallfishโs RCS thrusters gently pushed them away from Malpert, keeping its tail end pointed away from the station to avoid frying the dock with residual radiation from the rocketโs nozzle, Kira sent a text to Falconi:
<How did you convince everyone to say yes to this? โ Kira>
<It took some doing, but they know whatโs at stake. Besides, weโre getting antimatter, pardons, a shot at finding alien tech no one else has seen before. Weโd be dumb to turn this down. โ Falconi>
<Nielsen didnโt seem too happy about it. โ Kira>
<Thatโs just how she is. Iโd be surprised if sheย wereย happy jetting off into the unknown. โ Falconi>
<What about Gregorovich? โ Kira>ย Ifย heโdย disagreed, Kira couldnโt see how Falconi would have been able to take theย Wallfishย anywhere.
The captainโs fingers started tapping the side of his leg.ย <He seems to believe itโll be great fun. His words. โ Falconi>
<Donโt take this the wrong way, but has Gregorovich ever gotten a psych evaluation? Itโs mandatory for ship minds, isnโt it? โ Kira>
Across the room, she saw Falconi make a subtle face.ย <Yup. Every six months(ish)โreal timeโonce theyโre installed in a new ship and then every year after that, assuming their results are stable.โฆ We were up against a deadline when we rescued Gregorovich, so it took a while before we got into dock. Heโd settled down by then, enough to pass the tests. โ Falconi>
<He passed?! โ Kira>
<With flying colors. And every one after that. โ Falconi>ย He gave her a sideways glance.ย <I know what youโre thinking, but ship minds get graded differently than you or I. Their โnormalโ is broader than ours. โ Falconi>
She chewed on that for a moment.ย <What about a psychiatrist? Has Gregorovich seen anyone to help him with what he went through, being stranded on that moon? โ Kira>
A faint snort from Falconi.ย <Do you know how many psychiatrists are qualified to deal with ship minds? Not. Many. Most of them are in Sol, and most of them are ship minds themselves. YOU try analyzing a ship mind and see how far you get. Theyโll pick you apart and put you back together without you even realizing. Itโs like a three-year-old trying to play chess with a pseudo-intelligence. โ Falconi>
<So you just do nothing? โ Kira>
<Iโve offered to take Gregorovich in more than once, but he always refuses. โ Falconi>ย A faint rise and fall of his shoulders.ย <The best therapy for him is being with other people and being treated like everyone else in the crew. Heโs a lot better than he used to be. โ Falconi>
That wasnโt as reassuring as the captain seemed to think it was.ย <And youโre okay with him running the ship for you? โ Kira>
Another, sharper glance from Falconi.ย <*I*ย run theย Wallfish, thank you very much. And yes, Iโm very okay with Gregorovich. Heโs gotten us out of more scrapes than I care to remember, and heโs an important and valued member of my crew. Any other questions, Navรกrez? โ Falconi>
Kira decided it was better not to press her luck, so she gave a tiny shake of her head and switched to the view from the outside cameras.
When theย Wallfishย was a safe distance from Malpert, the thrust alert sounded, and then the main rocket fired. Kira swallowed and let her head fall back against the chair. They were on their way.
Theย Darmstadtย followed some hours behind theย Wallfish.ย Repairs and the need to take on a rather substantial amount of food for the crew had slowed its departure. Still, the cruiser would catch up with theย Wallfishย by the following morning.
It would take them a day and a half to reach the Markov Limit, and then โฆ Kira shivered. And then they would go FTL and leave the League far behind. It was a daunting prospect. Work had often taken her to the very fringes of settled space, but sheโd never ventured so far as this. Few people had. There was no good financial reason; only research expeditions and survey missions went out into the vast unknown.
The star they were heading to was an unassuming red dwarf that had only been detected within the past twenty-five years. Remote analysis indicated the presence of at least five planets in orbit, which aligned with what the Soft Blade had shown her, but no sign of technological activity had been picked up by the Leagueโs telescopes.
Sixty light-years was a staggeringly enormous distance. It would put a significant strain on both the ships and the crews. The ships would have to pop in and out of FTL numerous times along the way to shed their excess heat, and while it was safe to stay in cryo for far longer than the three months it would take to reach the distant star, the experience would still take its toll on both mind and body.
The toll would be greatest for Kira. She wasnโt looking forward to enduring another bout of dreaming hibernation so soon after arriving from Sigma Draconis. Lengthwise, the duration would be similar, as theย Valkyrieย had been far slower than either theย Wallfishย or theย Darmstadt.ย Kira just hoped she wouldnโt have to starve herself again in order to convince the Soft Blade to induce dormancy.
Thinking about what lay ahead wouldnโt make it easier, so she pushed it from her mind. โHow is the UMC reacting to us leaving?โ she asked, unclasping her harness.
โNot well,โ said Falconi. โI donโt know what Akawe told them back at Vyyborg, but it canโt have made them happy, because theyโre threatening us with all sorts of legal hellfire if we donโt turn around.โ
Gregorovich chuckled, and his laugh echoed through the ship. โItโs most amusing, their impotent rage. They seem quite โฆย panicked.โ
โCan you blame them?โ Nielsen said.
Falconi shook his head. โIโd hate to be the one who has to explain to Sol how and why they lost not only an entire cruiser but also Kira and the suit.โ
Then Vishal said, โCaptain, you should see whatโs happening on local news.โ
โWhat channel?โ โRTC.โ
Kira switched to her overlays and searched for the channel. It came right up, and in front of her, she saw footage of a ship interior recorded from someoneโs implants. Screams sounded, and a manโs body flew past, collided with another, smaller person. It took Kira a second to realize she was looking at the inside of theย Wallfishโs hold.
Shit.
A knotted, writhing shape swung into view: a Jelly. The person recording focused on the alien just as it threw something off-screen. Another scream rent the air;ย thatย scream, Kira remembered.
Then she saw herself fly past, like a black spear from above, and grapple with the Jelly while a long, bladed spike sprang from her skin and impaled the thrashing alien.
The video froze, and in voice-over, a woman said, โCould this battlesuit be a product of the UMCโs advanced weapons programs? Possibly. Other passengers confirmed that the woman was rescued from a UMC shuttle a few days before. Which makes us wonder: Whatย otherย technology is the League hiding from us? And then thereโs this incident from earlier today. Once more, a warning to sensitive viewers: the following footage contains graphic material.โ
The video resumed, and Kira again saw herself: this time attempting to subdue the purple-haired Numenist. He smashed his head back into her face, and then she stabbed him, not so differently from the Jelly.
From the outside, the sight was more frightening than Kira had realized. No wonder the refugees had looked at her the way they did; she would have also.
The reporterโs voice-over returned: โWas this a justifiable use of force or the reaction of a dangerous, out-of-control individual? You decide. Ellen
Kaminski was later seen being escorted to the UMCN cruiser theย Darmstadt,ย and it seems unlikely she will ever face criminal charges. We attempted to interview the passengers who spoke with her. This was the resultโโ
The footage resumed, and Kira saw the Entropists being approached in a hallway somewhere on Malpert. โExcuse me. Wait. Excuse me,โ said the off-screen reporter. โWhat can you tell us about Ellen Kaminski, the woman who killed the Jelly on theย Wallfish?โ
โWe have nothing to say, Prisoner,โ said Veera and Jorrus together. They ducked their heads, hiding behind the hoods of their robes.
Next Felix Hofer appeared, holding his nieceโs hand. โThe Jelly was going to shoot Nala here. She helped save her. She helped save all of us. As far as Iโm concerned, Ellen Kaminski is a hero.โ
Then the camera cut to the woman Inarรซ, standing on the space dock, knitting away with a smug look on her face. Her tassel-eared cat peeked around her nest of curly hair from where it lay across her shoulders.
โWho is she?โ said Inarรซ, and smiled in the most unsettling way. โWhy, sheโs the fury of the stars. Thatโs who she is.โ Then she laughed and turned away. โGoodbye now, little insect.โ
The reporterโs voice-over returned as the image of Kira impaling the Jelly filled the display again. โThe fury of the stars.ย Who is this mysterious Ellen Kaminski? Is she a new breed of supersoldier? And what of her battlesuit? Is it an experimental bioweapon? Unfortunately, we may never find out.โ The view shifted to a close-up of Kiraโs face, dark-eyed and threatening. โWhatever the truth, we know one thing well-certain,ย saya: the Jellies must fear her. And for that, if nothing else, this reporter is grateful. Fury of the Stars, Starfuryโwhoever she really is, itโs good to know sheโs fighting on our side.โฆ For RTC News, this is Shinar Abosรฉ.โ
โGoddammit,โ said Kira, closing her overlays.
โLooks like weโre leaving at just the right time,โ said Falconi. โYeah.โ
Across the room, Trig smirked and said, โStarfury. Ha! Can I call you that now, Ms. Navรกrez?โ
โIf you do, Iโll hit you.โ
Nielsen tucked several loose strands of hair back into her ponytail. โThis might not be the worst thing. The more people know about you, the more
difficult it will be for the League to hide you away and pretend the Soft Blade doesnโt exist.โ
โMaybe,โ said Kira, unconvinced. She didnโt have that much faith in the accountability of governments. If they wanted to disappear her, they would, regardless of public sentiment. Plus, she hated the exposure. It made acting with any sense of anonymity difficult to impossible.
With theย Wallfishย on course and under thrust, the crew dispersed throughout the ship as they continued to ready it for the trip to come. As Trig said, โItโs beenย agesย since we went superluminal!โ There were supplies to reorganize, systems to test and prep, loose objects to store (every pen and cup and blanket and other miscellaneous item the UMC had left out after searching theย Wallfishย had to be secured prior to the extended period of zero-g they were about to embark upon), and scores of tasks, small and large, that needed attending to.
The day was already getting late, but Falconi insisted they prep while they could. โNever know what might happen tomorrow. Could end up with another batch of hostiles breathing down our necks.โ
His logic was difficult to argue with. At Hwa-jungโs request, Kira went to the cargo hold and helped her uncrate the repair bots theyโd received from Malpert Station: replacements for the ones lost when they boarded the Jelly ship.
After a few minutes of silence, Hwa-jung glanced over at Kira and said, โThank you, for killingย thatย thing.โ
โYou mean the Jelly?โ โYes.โ
โYouโre welcome. Iโm just glad I was able to help.โ
Hwa-jung grunted. โIf you hadnโt been thereโฆโ She shook her head, and Kira saw unaccustomed emotion on the womanโs face. โSomeday, I buy you soju and beef as a thank-you, and we will get drunk together. You and me and little Sparrow.โ
โI look forward to it.โฆโ Then Kira said, โAre you okay with us going after the Staff of Blue?โ
Hwa-jung never slowed as she removed a bot from its packaging. โWe will be a long way from space dock if theย Wallfishย breaks. It is good theย Darmstadtย is with us, I think.โ
โAnd the mission itself?โ
โIt needs doing.ย Aish.ย What else is there to say?โ
As they were finishing with the last crate, a text popped up in Kiraโs vision:ย <Come see me in the hydroponics bay when you can. โ Falconi>
<Be there in five. โ Kira>
She helped Hwa-jung dispose of the excess packaging, and then Kira made her excuses and hurried out of the cargo hold. Once in the main shaft, she said, โGregorovich, whereโs the hydro bay?โ
โOne deck up. End of the corridor, once left, once right, and there you shall be.โ
โThanks.โ
โBitte.โ
The scent of flowers greeted Kira as she approached the hydroponics bay
โflowers and herbs and algae and all manner of green and growing things. The smells reminded Kira of the greenhouses on Weyland and of her father fussing over his Midnight Constellations. She felt a sudden longing to be outdoors, surrounded by living things, and not trapped in ships that stank of sweat and machine oil.
The aromas multiplied as the pressure door swung open and Kira walked into a bank of humid air. Aisles of hanging plants filled the room, along with dark, sloshing vats that contained the algae cultures. Above, nozzles misted the rows of greenery.
She stopped, struck by the sight. The bay was not unlike the one on Adrasteia, where she and Alan had spent so many hours, including that last, special night, when he had proposed.
Sadness wafted over her, as poignant as any scent.
Falconi stood near the back, bent over a worktable while he trimmed a plant with a drooping, wax-petaled flowerโwhite and delicateโof a sort Kira was unfamiliar with. His sleeves were rolled up to expose his scars.
That Falconi had an interest in gardening wasnโt something Kira had expected. Belatedly she remembered the bonsai in his cabin.
โYou wanted to see me?โ she said.
Falconi clipped a leaf off the plant. Then another. Each time his shears closed with a decisiveย snip.ย All of the plants had to be reprocessed before entering FTL. They couldnโt survive unattended for such a long trip, and moreover, keeping them alive would produce too much waste heat. A few special ones might get put into cryoโshe wasnโt sure what sort of equipment theย Wallfishย hadโbut those would be the only ones saved.
Falconi put down the shears and stood with both hands on the worktable. โWhen you stabbed the Numenistโโ
โBob.โ
โThatโs right, Bob the Numenist.โ Falconi didnโt smile, and neither did Kira. โWhen you stabbed him, was it you or the Soft Blade that did the stabbing?โ
โBoth, I think.โ
He grunted. โCanโt decide if that makes it better or worse.โ
Shame twisted Kiraโs gut. โLook, it was an accident. It wonโt happen again.โ
He gave her a low, sideways look. โYou sure about that?โ โIโโ
โDoesnโt matter. We canโt afford anotherย accidentย like Bob. Iโm not going to let more of my crew get injured, not by the Jellies and sure as hell not by that suit of yours. You hear me?โ He fixed her with a stare.
โI hear you.โ
He didnโt seem convinced. โTomorrow, I want you to go see Sparrow. Talk with her. Do what she tells you. She has some ideas that might help you control the Soft Blade.โ
Kira shifted her weight, uncomfortable. โIโm not arguing, but Sparrow isnโt a scientist. Sheโโ
โI donโt think you need a scientist,โ said Falconi. His brow knotted. โI think you need discipline and structure. I think you need training. You fucked up with the Numenist, and you fucked up on the Jelly ship. If you canโt keep that thing of yours on a leash, you need to stay in your quarters from now on, for the sake of everyone.โ
He wasnโt wrong, but his tone rankled her. โHow much training do you think I can do? Weโre leaving Cygni day after tomorrow.โ
โAnd youโre not going into cryo,โ Falconi retorted. โYes, butโโ
His glare intensified. โDo what you can. Go see Sparrow. Sort your shit out. This isnโt a debate.โ
The back of Kiraโs neck prickled, and she squared her shoulders. โAre you making that an order?โ
โSince you asked, yes.โ โIs that all?โ
Falconi turned back to the workbench. โThatโs all. Get out of here.โ Kira got.
After that, Kira didnโt feel much like interacting with the rest of the crew. Not for work and not for dinner.
She retreated to her cabin. With the lights dimmed and her overlays turned off, the room appeared particularly bare, cramped, and shabby. She sat on the bed and stared at the battered walls and found nothing in their appearance to like.
Kira wanted to be angry. Sheย wasย angry, but she couldnโt bring herself to blame Falconi. In his place, she would have done the same. Even so, she remained unconvinced that Sparrow could be of any help.
She covered her face with her hands. Part of her wanted to believe that sheย wasnโtย responsible for answering the compulsion on the Jelly ship or for stabbing Bob the Numenistโthat somehow the suit had twisted her mind, acted of its own volition, either out of ignorance or a desire to seed its own destructive mischief.
But she knew better. No one had forced her to do either thing. In both cases, sheโdย wantedย to. Blaming her actions on the Soft Blade was only an excuseโan easy out from the harsh reality.
She took a shivering breath.
Not everything had gone wrong, of course. Learning about the Staff of Blue was an unalloyed good, and Kira hoped with every fiber of her being that she hadnโt misunderstood and that finding it would lead to a favorable outcome. Even so, the thought did nothing to reduce the guilt that gnawed at her.
Kira couldnโt bring herself to rest, tired though she was. Her mind was too active, too wired. Instead, she activated her cabinโs console and checked
the news on Weyland (it was exactly as Akawe had said) and then started to read everything she could find about the nightmares. It wasnโt much. They were so recently arrived both in 61 Cygni and elsewhere, no one had been able to do a proper analysis of them. At least not at the time of the broadcasts that had reached Cygni.
Sheโd been sitting there for perhaps half an hour when a message from Gregorovich appeared in the corner of her vision:
The crew is gathering in the mess hall, if you wish to partake, O Spiky Meatbag. โ Gregorovich
Kira closed the message and kept reading.
Not fifteen minutes later, a loud pounding on the door jolted her. From outside came Nielsenโs voice. โKira? I know youโre there. Come join us. You need to eat.โ
Kiraโs mouth was so dry, it took her three tries before she was able to muster enough moisture to answer: โNo thanks. Iโm fine.โ
โNonsense. Open up.โ โโฆ No.โ
Metal clanked and screeched as the wheel outside the pressure door turned, and then the door itself swung open. Kira sat back and crossed her arms, somewhat offended. Out of habit, sheโd thrown the privacy lock. No one should have been able to barge in on her, even though she knew half the crew probably could override the lock.
Nielsen entered and looked down at her with an exasperated expression.
Defensive, Kira forced herself to meet the womanโs gaze.
โLetโs go,โ said Nielsen. โThe foodโs warm. Itโs just microwaved rations, but youโll feel better with something in you.โ
โItโs okay. Iโm not hungry.โ
Nielsen studied her for a moment and then closed the door to the cabin andโto Kiraโs surpriseโsat on the other end of the bed. โNo, itโs not okay. How long are you going to stay in here?โ
Kira shrugged. The surface of the Soft Blade prickled. โIโm tired, thatโs all. Just donโt want to see anyone.โ
โWhy? What are you afraid of?โ
For a moment Kira wasnโt going to answer. Then, defiant, she said, โMyself. Alright? Happy now?โ
Nielsen seemed unimpressed. โSo you screwed up. Everyone screws up.
What matters is how you deal with it. Hiding isnโt the answer. It never is.โ โYeah, butโฆโ Kira had difficulty finding the words.
โBut?โ
โI donโt know if I can control the Soft Blade!โ Kira blurted out. There. Sheโd said it. โIf I get angry again or excited or โฆ I donโt know what might happen andโฆโ She trailed off, miserable.
Nielsen snorted. โBullshit. I donโt believe you.โ Shocked, Kira failed to find a response before the first officer said, โYouโre perfectly capable of eating dinner with us andย notย killing anyone. I know, I know, alien parasite and all that.โ She gazed at Kira from under her brow. โYou lost control because Bob the Numenist broke your nose. Thatโs enough to piss off anyone. No, you shouldnโt have stabbed him. And maybe you shouldnโt have responded to the signal on the Jelly ship. But you did, itโs done, and thatโs the end of it. You know what to watch out for now, and you wonโt let it happen again. Youโre just scared to face everyone. Thatโs what youโre afraid of.โ
โYouโre wrong. You donโt understand whโโ
โI understand plenty. You messed up, and itโs hard to go out and look them in the eye. So what? The worst thing you can do is hide here and act like nothing happened. If you want to earn their trust back, come out, take your licks, and I guarantee theyโll respect you for it. Even Falconi. Everyone screws up, Kira.โ
โNot like this,โ Kira mumbled. โHow many people haveย youย stabbed?โ
Nielsenโs expression grew tart. So did her voice: โYou think youโre so special?โ
โI donโt see anyone else infected with an alien parasite.โ
A loudย bangย as Nielsen slapped the wall. Kira jumped, startled. โSee, youโre fine,โ said Nielsen. โYou didnโt stab me. Imagine that. Everyone screws up, Kira. Everyone has their own shit they deal with. If you werenโt stuck so far up your own ass, youโd see. Those scars on Falconiโs arms? Theyโre not a reward for avoiding mistakes, I can tell you that.โ
โIโฆโ Kira trailed off, ashamed.
Nielsen leveled a finger at her. โTrig hasnโt had it easy either. Nor Vishal nor Sparrow nor Hwa-jung. And Gregorovich is just chock-full of wise life decisions.โ Her mocking tone left no doubt about the actual truth.
โEveryone messes up. How you deal with it is what determines who you are.โ
โWhat about you?โ
โMe? Weโre not here to talk about me. Pull yourself together, Kira.
Youโre better than this.โ Nielsen stood. โWait.โฆ Why do you care?โ
For the first time, Nielsenโs expression softened, just slightly. โBecause thatโs what we do. We fall down, and then we help each other back up again.โ The door creaked as she opened it. โAre you coming? The food is still warm.โ
โYeah. Iโm coming.โ And though it wasnโt easy, Kira got to her feet.
It was well past midnight, but everyone was in the galley except for Sparrow and the Marines. Despite Kiraโs fears, no one made her feel unwelcome, although she couldnโt help feeling that everyone was judging her โฆ and that she was lacking. Still, the crew didnโt say anything unpleasant, and the only time the subject of the Numenist came up was when Trig made a sideways reference to him, which Kira, taking Nielsenโs advice from before, acknowledged in a straightforward manner.
There was some kindness as well. Hwa-jung brought her a cup of tea, and Vishal said, โYou come see me tomorrow, yes? I will fix your nose for you.โ
Falconi snorted. He had barely looked at her. โItโs going to hurt like hell if anesthetic doesnโt work on you.โ
โThatโs alright,โ said Kira. It wasnโt, but pride and a sense of responsibility wouldnโt let her admit otherwise.
Everyone seemed exhausted, and for the most part, the galley was silent, each person lost in their own thoughts, eyes focused on overlays.
Kira had just started eating when the Entropists surprised her by sitting in front of her. They leaned in over the top of the table, eager eyes in eager faces: twins with different bodies.
โYes?โ she said.
Veera said, โPrisoner Navรกrez, we have discoveredโโ
โโthe most exciting thing. As we were making our way across Malpert Station, weโโ
โโcame across the remains of one of the nightmares andโโ โโwe succeeded in taking a tissue sample.โ
Kira perked up. โOh?โ
The Entropists gripped the edge of the table together. Their fingernails whitened with the pressure. โWe have spent all this timeโโ
โโstudying the sample. What it showsโโ โYes?โ she said.
โโwhat it shows,โ Jorrus continued, โis that the nightmaresโโ โโdonโtย share the same genomic makeup as eitherโโ
โโthe Soft Blade or the Jellies.โ
The Entropists sat back, smiling with evident delight at their discovery. Kira put down her fork. โAre you telling me there areย noย similarities?โ Veera bobbed her head. โSimilarities, yes, butโโ
โโonly similarities born of basic chemical necessity. Otherwise, the entities are entirely unalike.โ
That confirmed Kiraโs initial, instinctual reaction, but still, she wondered. โOne of the nightmares had tentacles. I saw it. What about that?โ
The Entropists nodded together, as if pleased. โYes. In form familiar, but in substance, foreign. You may have also seenโโ
โโarms and legs and eyes and fur and otherโโ
โโgrowths reminiscent of Earth-based life. But the nightmare we examined containedโโ
โโno closeness to Terran DNA.โ
Kira stared at the pile of soggy rations on her plate as she thought. โWhatย areย they, then?โ
A paired shrug from the Entropists. โUnknown,โ said Jorrus. โTheir underlying biological structure appearsโโ
โโunformed, incomplete, contradictoryโโ โโmalignant.โ
โHuh.โฆ Can I see your results?โ โOf course, Prisoner.โ
She looked back up at them. โHave you shared this with theย Darmstadt
yet?โ
โWe just sent over our files.โ
โGood.โ Akawe should know the sorts of creatures they were dealing with.
The Entropists returned to their own table, and Kira slowly continued eating as she scoured the documents theyโd sent her. It amazed her the amount of data theyโd been able to gather without a proper lab. The tech built into their robes wasย seriouslyย impressive.
She paused when the four Marines showed up in their drab olive greens. Even out of power armor, the men were imposing. Their bodies bulged and rippled with unnatural levels of lean muscle; living anatomy charts that screamed of strength, power, and speedโtheir physiques the result of a whole suite of genetic tweaks the military employed in their frontline troops. Even though none of them looked like they had grown up in high-g, like Hwa-jung, Kira had no doubt they were just as strong, if not more so. They reminded her of pictures sheโd seen of animals with myostatin deficiencies. Hawes, Sanchez โฆ she didnโt know the names of the other two.
The Marines didnโt stay to eat, just heated water for tea or coffee, grabbed a few snacks, and left. โWonโt be getting in your way, Captain,โ said Hawes on the way out.
Falconi gave them a casual salute.
The technical details of the nightmaresโ biology were deep and varied, and Kira found herself lost in the more obscure points. Everything the Entropists had said was true, but they had barely begun to capture the sheerย weirdnessย of the nightmares. By comparison, the Jellies, with all their genetic manipulation, were positively straightforward. But the nightmares โฆ Kira had never seen anything resembling them. She kept stumbling across snatches of chemical sequences thatย seemedย familiar, but only seemed. The cellular structure of the nightmares wasnโt even stable, and as for howย thatย was possible, she hadnโt the slightest idea.
Her plate had long been empty, and she was still reading when a glass thumped down next to her plate, causing her to jump.
Falconi stood next to her, holding a bouquet of glasses in one hand and several bottles of red wine in the other. Without asking, he filled her glass halfway. โHere.โ
Then he walked around, handing out glasses to the crew and Entropists, and filling them.
Finished, he lifted his own glass. โKira. Things didnโt work out how any of us expected, but if it werenโt for you, thereโs a good chance weโd all be dead. Yeah, itโs been a rough day. Yeah, you ticked off every Jelly from here to kingdom come. And yeah, weโre racing off to god knows where because of you.โ He paused, his gaze steady. โBut weโre alive.ย Trigย is alive.ย Sparrowย is alive. And we have you to thank for that. So this toast is for you, Kira.โ
At first no one else joined in. Then Nielsen reached out and lifted her own glass. โHear, hear,โ she said, and the others echoed her.
An unexpected film of tears blurred Kiraโs vision. She raised her wine and mumbled thanks. For the first time, she didnโt feel quite so horribly out of place on theย Wallfish.
โAnd in the future, letโs not do any of this again,โ said Falconi, sitting down.
A few chuckles followed.
Kira eyed her drink.ย Half a glass.ย Not too much. She downed it in a single motion and then sat back, curious what would happen.
Across the mess hall, Falconi gave her a wary look.
A minute passed. Five minutes. Ten. And still Kira felt nothing. She made a face, disgusted. After the abstinence of the past few months, she ought to have gotten at least aย slightย buzz.
But no. The Soft Blade was suppressing the effects of the alcohol. Even if sheโd wanted to get drunk, she couldnโt.
It shouldnโt have, but the realization angered Kira. โDamn you,โ she muttered. No oneโnot even the Soft Bladeโought to be able to dictate what she could do with her body. If she wanted to get a tattoo or become fat or have a kid or do anything else, then she damn well ought to have that freedom. Without the opportunity, she was nothing more than a slave.
Her anger made her want to march over, grab a wine bottle, and drink the whole thing in a single go. Just to force the issue. Just to prove that sheย could.
But she didnโt. After what had happened that day, it terrified her to think of what the Soft Blade might do if she were drunk. And then too, she didnโt want to get hammered. Not really.
So she didnโt ask for more wine, content to hold and wait and not to tempt misfortune. And Kira noticed that although Falconi poured out a
second round for everyone else, he didnโt offer one to her. He understood, and she was grateful, if still a little resentful. Dangerous or not, she wanted theย choice.
โAnyone want the rest?โ Falconi asked, holding up the last bottle. It was still about a quarter full.
Hwa-jung took it from him. โMe. I will. I have extra enzymes.โ The crew chuckled, and Kira felt relieved that she no longer had to think about the wine.
She turned the stem of the glass between her fingers, and a faint smile crept onto her face. With it she felt a sense of lightness. Nielsen had been right; it was good sheโd come out to face the crew. Hiding hadnโt been the answer.
It was a lesson she needed to remember.
A green light was glowing at the desk console when Kira finally arrived back at her cabin, late that night. She stubbed her toe on the corner of the bed as she walked to the desk. โOw,โ she muttered, more out of reflex than any actual pain.
As expected, the message was from Gregorovich:
I know what you can do, but still I know not what you are. Again, I ask and asking wonder: what are you, O Multifarious Meatbag? โ Gregorovich
She blinked and then typed her response.
I am what I am. โ Kira
His reply was nearly instantaneous:
Bah. How pedestrian. How boring. โ Gregorovichย Tough. Sometimes we donโt get what we want. โ Kira
Heave and bluster, boil and froth; you canโt conceal the void within your words. If knowledge were yours, then confidence too. But โtisnโt, so isnโt. Cracked the pedestal, and perilous the statue that stands above. โ Gregorovich
Blank verse? Seriously? Is that the best you can do? โ Kira
A long pause followed, and for the first time, she felt as if sheโd one-upped him. Then:
Amusements are hard to find when one finds oneself bounded in a nutshell. โ Gregorovich
And yet, you might rightly be counted as a king of infinite space. โ Kira
Were it not that I have bad dreams. โ Gregorovich Were it not for the bad dreams. โ Kira
โฆ โ Gregorovich
She tapped a fingernail against the console.
Itโs not easy, is it? โ Kira
Why should it be? Nature has no regard for those who squirm and crawl within its tainted depths. The storm that batters, batters all. None are spared. Not you, not I, not the stars in the sky. We bind our cloaks and bend our heads and focus on our lives. But the storm, it never breaks, never fades. โ Gregorovich
Cheery. Thinking about it doesnโt really help, does it? The best we can do is, as you said, bend our heads and focus on our lives. โ Kira
So donโt think. Be a sleeper devoid of dreams. โ Gregorovich Maybe I will. โ Kira
That doesnโt change the fact, the question yet remains: What are you, O Queen of Tentacles? โ Gregorovich
Call me that again and Iโll find a way to put hot sauce in your nutrient bath. โ Kira
An empty promise from an empty voice. The fearful mind cannot accept its limits. It shrieks and flees before admitting ignorance, unable to face the threat to its identity. โ Gregorovich
You donโt know what youโre talking about. โ Kira
Deny, deny, deny. It matters not. The truth of what you are will out, regardless. When it does, the choice is yours: believe or donโt believe. I care not which.ย I, for one, shall be prepared, whatever the answer may be. Until that time, Iโll spend my hours in watching you, watching most intently, O Formless One. โ Gregorovich
Watch all you like. You wonโt find what youโre looking for. โ Kira
She closed the display with a flick of her finger. To her relief, the green light stayed dull and dead. The ship mindโs banter had left her unsettled. Still, she was glad sheโd held her ground. Despite his assertions, Gregorovich was wrong. She knew who she was. She just didnโt know what the damn suit was. Not really.
Enough. Sheโd hadย enough.
She removed the Entropistsโ gemlike token from her pocket and slipped it into the desk drawer. It would be safer there than if she carried it around everywhere. Then, with a grateful sigh, she peeled off her torn clothes. A quick scrub with a wet towel, and she fell into the bunk and wrapped herself in a blanket.
For a time, Kira couldnโt stop her mind from cycling. Images of the Jellies and the dead nightmare kept intruding, and at times Kira imagined she could smell the acrid scent Falconiโs grenades produced when they exploded. Again and again she felt the Soft Blade sliding into the flesh of the Jelly, and then that became confused with her memory of stabbing the Numenist and of Alan dead in her arms.โฆ So many mistakes. So very many mistakes.
It was a struggle, but in the end, she managed to fall asleep. And despite what sheโd said to Gregorovich, Kira dreamed, and while she dreamed, there came to her another vision:
In the golden light of summerโs eve, the sounds of shrieking filled the hungry forest. She sat upon a prominence, watching the play of life among the purple trees while awaiting the expected return of her companions.
Below, a centipede-like creature scurried forth from the gloom-shrouded underbrush and darted into a burrow beneath a clump of roots. Chasing it
was a long-armed, snake-necked, sloth-bodied predator with a head like a toothed worm and legs that jointed backward. The hunter snapped at the burrow, but too slow to catch its prey.
Frustrated, the snake-necked sloth sat on its haunches and tore with hooked and knobbled fingers at the earthen hole, hissing from its slitted mouth.
It dug and dug, growing more agitated the whole while. The roots were hard, the ground rocky, and little progress was made. Then the hunter reached into the burrow with one long finger, attempting to scoop out the centipede.
A screech rang forth as the snake-necked sloth yanked back its hand.
Blackish blood dripped from fingerโs end.
The creature howled, though not with pain but with anger. It thrashed its head and trampled across the underbrush, crushing fronds and flowers and fruiting bodies. Again it howled, and then it grabbed the nearest trunk and shook it with such force, the tree swayed.
A crack echoed among the sweltering forest, and a cluster of spiked seed pods fell from the canopy and struck the sloth on the head and shoulders. It yelped and collapsed into the dirt, where it lay twitching and kicking while foam formed at the corners of its gaping maw.
In time, the kicking stopped.
Later still, the centipede-like creature ventured forth from its burrow, slow and timid. It climbed onto the slack neck of the sloth and sat there, feelers twitching. Then it bent and began to eat the soft meat of the throat.
โฆ
Another of the now familiar disjunctions. She was crouched next to a tidal pool, shadowed from the heat of the harsh sun by a spur of volcanic rock. In the pool floated a translucent orb no bigger than her thumb.
The orb was not alive. But it was not dead. It was a thing in between. A potential unrealized.
She watched with hope, waiting for the moment of transformation, when potential might become actuality.
There. A soft movement of light from within, and the orb pulsed as if taking its first tentative breath. Happiness and wonder replaced hope at the gift of first life. What had been done would change all the fractures to
follow, first here and thenโgiven time and fortuneโin the great whirl of stars beyond.
And she saw it was good.