Victoria’s Diary
January 22, 2018
I can’t stop shaking.
At about ten in the morning, I was sitting on the sofa, watching television, when there was a knock at the door. It was a loud rap that made me jump in my seat. I didn’t feel any better when I got to the door and saw a police officer standing there.
“Is this the Barnett residence?” the officer asked. He was in his forties with a craggy appearance. His hairline was receding, but it suited him.
My mouth was so dry that when I opened it, no sound came out. I cleared my throat. “Yes…”
“My name is Detective Patterson,” the officer said. He didn’t offer me his hand. “I’d like to ask you a couple of questions if you have a moment.”
“Uh…” My heart was pounding so hard, I felt dizzy. Why was there a policeman at my door? It had to be some sort of mistake. I haven’t committed any crimes. Have I? “Of course. Please come in.”
Detective Patterson followed me into the apartment just as Adam was coming down the stairs. Even though I was about to have a heart attack, he seemed completely unperturbed by the fact that there was a policeman in our house. He flashed one of the smiles he uses when he’s trying to charm someone. I know it so well by now.
“Officer!” he exclaimed. “Is there anything we can do to help you?”
Detective Patterson nodded. “We’re trying to track down the whereabouts of a friend of yours, Mrs. Barnett.”
I got this buzzing in the back of my head while the detective explained the details. It was about Mack. He didn’t show up for work when he was supposed to for two days in a row. Mack a reliable guy and this was very unusual behavior for him. So one of his coworkers went to his apartment to check on him, but he wasn’t home. Nobody has heard from him in five days.
Not since the night he came out to Long Island.
“A Carol Webber said that he came here to visit you, Mrs. Barnett,” the detective said. “Did you see him that night?”
I glanced over at Adam. He still had that bland smile on his face. I couldn’t read his expression at all. But there’s nothing unusual about that.
“Yes,” I said. “He was here.”
Detective Patterson nodded. “What was the purpose of his visit?” “Mack and my wife were coworkers and friends,” Adam answered for
me. “It was just a social visit.”
“And when did he leave the house?”
“It was getting close to six,” I said numbly. “Adam gave him a ride to the train station. Because of the snow.”
The detective turned to Adam. “Did you see him get on the train?”
Adam shook his head. “He went to buy a ticket, but the train wasn’t coming for a little while. He told me not to wait, so I drove home. The snow was getting pretty bad by then so I didn’t want to risk getting stuck.”
I hazarded a glance up at the detective. He didn’t look the slightest bit suspicious. “It does look like Mack bought a train ticket with his credit card,” he said. “But I’m not certain if he got on the train. I’m trying to get in contact with the ticket-taker from that night.”
A thought occurred to me. “He sent me a text from the train. So he must’ve gotten on the train.”
“Do you have the text on your phone?” the detective asked. “I…” I bit my lip and glanced at Adam. “I deleted it.”
I wasn’t about to tell the detective that I deleted all my text messages from Mack as soon as I got them. For the first time, I saw a flicker of interest on the detective’s face.
I wrung my hands together. “Do you think he’s okay?”
Detective Patterson hesitated. “I hope so. Hopefully, he just decided to take a trip and didn’t tell anyone. It happens. But I’m concerned that he might’ve gotten attacked on the train or maybe even at the train station.”
“You think so?” Adam raised his eyebrows. “Mack is a pretty big guy.”
“He’s big, but he’s not bulletproof.”
Bulletproof. At the detective’s words, I thought back to the revolver hidden away in the top shelf of the closet. Before Adam gave Mack a ride
to the train station, he disappeared for a short time. Was it possible that he…?
“Well.” The detective heaved a sigh. “If you do hear anything from Mack, please let us know right away. His family is very worried.”
I watched the detective walk out the front door. I felt like I was going to throw up. Adam drove Mack to the train station and nobody ever heard from him again. Yes, I got that text from him on the train. But how could I be sure he’s the one who sent it?
Adam closed the door behind the detective. My stomach clenched as he locked it and threw the deadbolt. “Well,” he said. “Looks like your buddy went missing.”
“What did you do?” I croaked.
“Mack and I had a really interesting conversation in the car,” Adam went on as if I hadn’t spoken. “Seems he felt I wasn’t treating you properly. I don’t know where he got that idea. I tried to correct him, but he didn’t seem that interested in listening. Not until the very end. But then, of course, it was too late.”
I closed my eyes. No. Please, no. Not Mack…
“That police officer was right,” Adam said. “He wasn’t bulletproof.” I clasped my hand over my mouth. “You didn’t…”
Adam smiled at me. It was the most horrible thing I had ever seen. I can’t believe there was ever a time when I had found this man attractive.
“You monster!” I hissed. “How could you…”
“Oh, it was easy.” He took a step towards me. “And you know what the best part is? Your fingerprints are all over the gun. Your gun, actually. It’s registered in your name.”
I remembered that day he took me out for target practice. He had been wearing leather gloves, while my hands were bare. He was right—my fingerprints are all over that gun.
“Don’t worry,” Adam said. “They won’t find him so fast. Not unless you misbehave again.”
Adam still had that smile on his lips. I wanted to scratch his eyes out. But as I stared at him, I realized I was totally and utterly trapped. I can’t ever leave him. If I ever try, he’s going to tell the police I’m a murderer.
I sunk onto the sofa, my hands trembling. I didn’t dare look up at him. “Do you understand me, Victoria?” he said.
I didn’t say a word.
“Do. You. Understand. Me.” There was a menacing edge to his voice. “Answer me, Victoria.”
“Fuck you,” I whispered.
It felt so good to finally say those words to him.
Quick as lightning, Adam reached out and seized my wrist. I had told Mack before that Adam had never laid a finger on me, but today that changed. I could feel the bruises blossoming on my forearm.
“Don’t you ever make a fool of me like that again, Victoria,” he hissed. “Or I promise you, you will live to regret it.”
When he let me go, there were angry red marks on my wrist where his fingers had been. He stormed off and I heard a door slam behind him. I buried my face in my hands and sobbed like the world was ending.
Adam killed Mack. He murdered the only man who ever truly loved me, just because he tried to help me. And if I don’t do exactly what he says, I will be next.
And the worst part is, I’m not even sure if I care anymore.
February 15, 2018
In the last few weeks, I’ve been in a trance. I haven’t left the house in all that time, but to be fair, the snow is so bad that I don’t think I could even if I wanted to. My Honda Civic isn’t going anywhere in the snow.
My life is on autopilot. I lie in bed till nearly noon. When I finally drag myself out from between the sheets, I go straight to the couch and turn on the TV. I don’t even know what I watch. It doesn’t matter. I grab a bag of chips or cookies or whatever from the kitchen and shove them into my mouth one by one. I don’t even taste it.
Nothing matters anymore. I’m just going to let myself rot on the sofa.
Maybe if I make myself disgusting enough, Adam will leave me alone.
This morning, he came out to the living room to yell at me. He stood over me, his fists on his hips. “Look at what you’re doing to yourself,” he said. “Get off the couch. Take a shower, for God’s sake.”
I didn’t budge.
“Victoria.” I wouldn’t even look up as he spoke to me. “Get up off the goddamn couch this minute. Do you hear me? Quit watching television. I want you to get cleaned up and put on some respectable clothing. You’re an embarrassment.”
I didn’t say a word.
“Victoria!” He was shouting now. “Fucking answer me!”
When I didn’t answer yet again, he reached for the heavy metal ashtray on the coffee table. For a moment, I was certain he was going to throw it at my head. I imagined the dent it would make in my skull. I imagined everything going black.
I welcomed it.
But instead, he hurled the ashtray at the television set. The screen smashed and the picture went black. He probably expected a reaction to that, but if he did, he was disappointed. I just kept on staring at the black screen. Adam watched me for a minute, then he gave up and stormed out of the room.
February 22, 2018
I spent the last two hours packing my bags.
After what Adam did to Mack, my entire life felt pointless. I couldn’t think straight anymore. But in the last few hours, that fog has finally lifted. I’ve never been thinking more clearly than I am at this moment.
This morning, I took a pregnancy test. It was positive.
I don’t know how long I’ve been pregnant. With everything else going on, I had stopped checking. I can’t even remember the last time Adam and I have had sex. If I had to guess, I would say I’m three months along. In six months, I will have a baby.
I don’t care what happens to me. But I can’t let that monster get his hands on my baby. I can’t let him destroy my child’s life the way he’s destroyed mine. If I’m going to be a mother, I have to protect this baby. And that means getting away from Adam Barnett. Forever.
I don’t know where I’m going to go. I have no money. I had stashed my engagement ring in my jewelry box, hoping I could hock it, but it’s
gone. Adam probably took it. If he finds out I’m pregnant, I’m not sure he’ll let me leave. So it has to be now, before I’m showing.
Maybe Carol will take me in. Maybe I could find some sort of shelter for victims of domestic abuse. My boss at the hospital said I could come back anytime, so once I get my job back, I’ll at least have some cash coming in. I’ll be able to afford a place to live. And hopefully afford some childcare when the baby comes.
It’s ironic. I started this diary to tell the story to my future children of how I met their father. And now I’m telling the story of how I left him, for the sake of my future child.
I don’t care what I have to do. I’m going to protect this baby. That’s why no matter what, I need to get out of this house. I need to get away from Adam. The snow has finally cleared away enough that I could get out of here in my little Civic.
To my future child: if you are reading this, I did it all for you. I’m leaving your father. Tonight.
