Victoria’s Diary
March 22, 2017
This night. I don’t even know what to say.
I haven’t stopped crying for the last hour.
Tonight Carol threw an engagement party for me and Adam. Well, it wasn’t so much a party as it was a bunch of us getting together at a bar and grill a few blocks away from the hospital and taking up five tables to have dinner, and drinking way too much.
A lot of the people invited were from the hospital, so there were a fair number of us wearing scrubs. I, on the other hand, wore my blue skirt paired with a white blouse and black pumps. It was the second thing I put on. Originally, I came out of the bedroom wearing my new little black dress, but I could tell immediately from the look on Adam’s face that I needed to change.
Adam has his good and bad points. Carol still jokes around that he’s Mr. Perfect, but like I said, nobody is perfect. He’s extremely particular about how he wants the house and also about how he wants… well, me. When we go out for meals, he insists on approving my outfit. It’s important to him. And if he doesn’t like what I’m wearing, I have to go back in the bedroom and put on something different.
When I write it down, it sounds… weird. I know it. Everyone has their own personality quirks. It’s not like I’m perfect either. Like, as Adam points out, I’m a bit of a slob. More than a bit, even. And of course, he has a ton of good points: he’s sweet, affectionate, generous, and a brilliant writer. His editor loved his new manuscript and says it’s going to be the biggest one yet.
And now I’ll probably never read it. Because he and I are done.
Adam and I were sitting in the middle of the overcrowded table, and Carol and her boyfriend were across from us. And next to Carol was Mack, who came alone. I’ve never thought of Mack as being a particularly quiet
guy—I’m used to the sound of his hearty laugh—but he had barely said two words the whole night. He just kept playing with his napkin and looking in my direction.
We had a mountain of food in front of us. And it was the kind of food that Adam and I never get when we’re out together: french fries, hot wings, onion rings, sliders. Everything on the table was coated in a layer of breadcrumbs or a layer of grease or both. And instead of wine, I was drinking a Corona. My belly was stuffed with fried food and cheap alcohol. But I felt good!
“So when are you two tying the knot?” Carol asked. As she leaned forward, I could smell the beer on her breath.
Adam reached out to grasp my hand under the table. “We’ve got tickets for Vegas in three weeks.”
“It’s just the two of you?” Mack asked.
I popped an onion ring in my mouth. “Just the two of us.” Adam squeezed my hand. “Nobody else matters.”
“That is so sweet!” Carol cried. She smacked her boyfriend in the arm. “Why can’t you be sweet like that?”
Of course, Carol’s boyfriend, Jeff, is a nice guy. I’ve known him for even longer than I’ve known Adam, and he’s very easy-going and can be romantic when he needs to be. And I’m sure he doesn’t make Carol use a separate toothpaste. Or freak out when she accidentally uses his.
I stuffed a few more french fries in my mouth. Somehow I’d forgotten how much I liked french fries. Adam likes all these upscale things, but that’s not how I was raised. Maybe I’m just a lowbrow type of girl.
“Slow down there, Vicky,” Adam said. “You’re not going to be able to fit on the plane seat if you have too many more of those french fries.”
Carol, who had way too many beers to drink, giggled at Adam’s joke. I laughed too, but I felt my face grow hot. I couldn’t even look at Mack. I could only imagine the expression on his face.
Our waitress came over to the table to offer us another round of drinks. Even though I knew I shouldn’t, I got another beer. Carol got another too, but Mack shook his head.
The waitress put her hand on Adam’s shoulder. “And how about you, sugar?”
The waitress had been hitting on Adam since he arrived. That’s not entirely unusual. Adam is a very good looking guy and women hit on him. A lot. Even in front of me sometimes, which I really don’t get. Do they think I’m his sister? Do they want the sort of guy who would dump the woman he’s having dinner with for a more attractive option? Regardless, it happens. And it’s irritating.
He smiled up at her. “I can’t decide.”
“Well,” she said. “I always say, if you’re not sure, you should have another!”
She giggled at her own joke. I couldn’t help but notice the waitress had spectacular breasts packed into a tight little white shirt. Adam seemed to be noticing as well.
“Any beer you recommend?” he asked.
She tapped her finger against her chin. “Well, I think you would like our switchback ale. It’s very rich and smooth.”
His smile widened. “Like me.”
She sidled a little closer to him. “Exactly what I was thinking.”
I couldn’t believe this. Yes, Adam did flirt back with waitresses sometimes, but the fact that he was flirting so aggressively in front of all my friends was a real slap in the face.
And it was even more of a slap in the face when she returned with his drink, as well as a cocktail napkin with her phone number scrolled on the back that she lay down in front of him accompanied by a suggestive wink.
“Oh my God!” Carol squealed. “Adam, that waitress just gave you her number!”
“Wow,” Mack said.
“It’s not that surprising,” Carol said. “Adam is really hot.” She giggled and nudged Jeff, who rolled his eyes.
Adam laughed. “I guess she didn’t realize I’m already taken.”
And here’s the worst part: he didn’t rip up the napkin or crumble it up.
He folded it in half and put it in his pocket.
All that beer was sloshing around uncomfortably in my belly. I pushed my chair back so quickly, it nearly fell over. I rose unsteadily to my feet. “Excuse me,” I managed.
I stumbled in the direction of the ladies’ room. I didn’t have to pee exactly, but I had enough to drink that I did sort of have to pee. But mostly I
just wanted to get away from the table. My fiancé was hitting on another woman at our engagement party. I couldn’t sit there another minute.
Before I could wrench open the door to the ladies’ room, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I whirled around and saw Mack standing behind me. There was a deep crease between his black eyebrows.
“Vicky,” he said.
“I need the bathroom,” I mumbled. “I need to talk to you.”
I averted my eyes. “Not now.”
“Yes, now.” He shook his head. “I know I promised I was going to keep my mouth shut about Adam, but I’m sorry. I can’t.”
“Mack…”
“He’s a jerk to you.” His right hand squeezed into a fist. “He’s been putting you down all night and making jokes at your expense. And then hitting on that waitress right in front of you… I mean, Jesus Christ…”
“It was just harmless flirting…”
“It wasn’t harmless flirting!” He raised his voice several notches. “He wasn’t respecting you. I know it’s none of my business, but—”
“Right.” I swallowed down some bile in my throat. “It’s none of your business. You wouldn’t even tell me why you broke up with Kaitlyn, so don’t act like we have that kind of relationship.”
He sucked in a breath. “Vicky…”
“Don’t say it’s not true.” I snorted. “When it comes to your personal life, it’s all a big secret. But when it’s my personal life, you can weigh in all you want. Why don’t you tell me why you broke up with Kaitlyn? Tell me what egregious thing the wonderful Kaitlyn did that was so unacceptable?”
Mack’s shoulders sagged. “You really wanna know?”
I meant it when I said it—I did want to know. But the way he said it, now I wasn’t so sure.
“The reason I broke up with Kaitlyn,” he said, “was because…” He took a deep breath. “Because I was in love with you.”
What?
My head was swimming. I’m still not sure I even heard him right. Mack was in love with me? What the heck was he talking about? How was that possible? I was engaged to another man. And Kaitlyn was… Well, she
was gorgeous. And why was he telling me this now, when I was three weeks away from marrying Adam?
He raked a hand through his black hair. “I know the timing sucks. I wasn’t going to say anything. But… I can’t stand by and let you make such a big mistake. Especially when…”
I shook my head. “Mack…”
“Look.” He crinkled his nose in that way I used to find so cute. I guess I still do. “I don’t expect you to love me back. I get it. I missed my shot. But… this isn’t about me. This is about you, Vicky. Please don’t marry this guy. Please.”
“I…” I looked up at Mack’s face. At his soft brown eyes and messy black hair. Why couldn’t he have said all this to me the day before Adam walked into the emergency room? Not now, when it’s too late. “I… I think I’m going to be sick.”
And then I ran into the bathroom and vomited quite impressively into the toilet bowl. Mack was smart enough not to follow me into the ladies’ room, which would have been mortifying. But I could hear the door crack open and his voice enters the room: “Vicky? You okay?”
“Please get Carol,” I croaked.
The next voice I heard in the ladies’ room was Carol’s, thank heavens. She came into the stall with me and rubbed my back, and kept my hair out of the toilet bowl. (I had it down—the way Adam liked it.) I wasn’t even that drunk. I think it was all the fried food. And possibly a little bit Mack telling me he was in love with me.
When I finally managed to make it back to the table, Adam leaped to his feet and went to get us an Uber to get home. All that nonsense with the waitress seemed forgotten. I was relieved. I had been so angry about it at the time, but now I just wanted to forget the whole thing.
My head was throbbing the entire ride home. Adam helped me out of the car, and I was walking like a little old lady up to our apartment. All I wanted to do was sleep for a week. Fortunately, Carol had timed the party so that I didn’t have a shift the next day. I planned to spend the entire next day sleeping, if not the whole week.
Except the second we got inside the apartment, Adam slammed the door shut behind me. It was loud enough to make my head throb. For a
moment, I hoped it was an accident and not another temper tantrum. But then I saw the look on his face and I knew I was in for it.
“You’re unbelievable, Victoria,” he said.
I rubbed my temples. My eyes felt bloodshot. I would have shelled out a hundred bucks to end this conversation right now. “What? What are you talking about?”
His lips curled into a sneer. “You think I didn’t see you sneaking off with that big, fat paramedic guy?”
My stomach sunk as the reality set it. Adam was pissed off. There was no chance I was getting to go to bed right now or any time in the near future. “I wasn’t sneaking off with Mack. I talked to him for two minutes on my way to the restroom.”
“You expect me to believe that?”
My knees trembled beneath me. “Adam, it was nothing. Nothing happened.”
“You think I don’t see the way he looks at you. And you were flirting with him all night…”
“I was flirting?” In spite of the throbbing in my temple, I felt a spark of fury. “You were the one who got the waitress’s phone number! Don’t you think that was inappropriate?”
“She gave it to me! It’s not like I asked her for it.” “You could have given it back. Or torn it up.”
He stared at me, his green eyes darkening. “You know what? I’m glad I didn’t. Maybe I’ll give her a call.”
I stared at him. I already knew Adam had some issues with jealousy. That was not a big surprise. But we’ve never fought this badly over his jealousy.
“It’s obvious I can’t trust you,” he said. “Every time I turn my back, you’re flirting with another man.” He narrowed his eyes. “Are you sleeping with him, Victoria?”
“No!”
“I don’t believe you.” He looked over to the kitchen table, where I had dropped my purse. Before I knew what was happening, he made a beeline for my purse and fished out my iPhone. “I bet if I looked in here, I’d find a million text messages from that guy.”
Well, there would be some. But not a million. Like, two-hundred— max. And they were all very innocent. “That’s not true.”
He jabbed at the screen of my phone. “What’s your password, Victoria?”
The throbbing pain in my temple intensified. “I’m not going to tell you that.”
“Why not? Because you’ve got something to hide?”
I could have given him the password. I could have opened up my text messages with Mack to show him how innocent they were. But somehow, I didn’t think that would be enough. He would look over every exchange and imagine things that weren’t there. And even if he didn’t, I still didn’t think I should give him my password. Why should I?
“No,” I said firmly. “Because it’s my phone. You wouldn’t tell me the password for your phone.”
“Because I’m not cheating on you with another woman.”
I couldn’t even believe what I was hearing. Did he honestly think I was cheating on him? “I’m not cheating on you, Adam.”
“Bullshit.” He shook my phone at me. “What’s your password, Victoria?”
“Adam…”
“Tell me your goddamn password!”
Adam got this look in his eyes that I’d never seen before. It made me take a step back. My head was still throbbing but I wasn’t even thinking about that. For a moment, I thought for sure he was going to reach out and strangle me with his bare hands. But instead, he lifted my phone in the air and hurled it at my face.
I thought he was throwing it at my face anyway. I don’t know if it was bad aim or what, but the phone missed my head and slammed into the wall behind me hard enough to make a tiny dent. I heard glass shattering as the phone hit the ground. Adam gave me one last look, then he spun on his heels and walked out the door, slamming it hard behind him.
And that was the night of my engagement party.
So my phone is wrecked. The screen is so shattered, I can’t see anything. But what’s even more wrecked is my engagement. I can’t marry Adam. Not after what he did tonight. It turns out Mack was right all along.
I’ve already locked the deadbolt on the door. In the morning, I’ll pack up all my stuff and find a place to stay. Maybe Carol will let me crash at her place. All I know is I’m done with Adam.
I started this journal so my children could read about how I met their father. But it looks like the father is not going to be Adam Barnett.
I feel so stupid.
March 23, 2017
I’m a little embarrassed to be writing this post.
I took him back.
I know. Last night was awful. I skimmed over what I wrote after our fight, and I remember how angry I was. There was no chance I would ever take him back. Not in a million years.
All night, I was tossing and turning. I kept imagining the conversation I would have with him when I returned his insanely expensive ring. But when I thought about that conversation, I didn’t feel good or relieved. I felt awful at the idea of losing him. It made my chest ache.
I mean, this was the guy I planned to marry. I planned to have a family with him. How could it be over?
Adam showed up at the door at ten in the morning, looking about as bad as I felt. His hair was disheveled, he had a day’s growth of a beard, and his eyes were bloodshot. He told me he had slept on a park bench, which made me feel awful. He looked like he was about to burst into tears.
I still wasn’t ready to take him back. But I did let him in.
“I’m so sorry about last night,” he said. “I had too much to drink and I just…” He rubbed his eyes. “I can’t believe the things I said to you. That’s not me. You know that, Vicky.”
I did know that. Adam had a bit of a temper and got angry over stupid things like toothpaste, but him throwing my phone was not like him.
“I’m never drinking beer again,” he groaned. “You can’t blame this on the beer.”
“I know.” He winced. “I’m not. I’m sorry. I don’t know what got into me. I know you would never cheat on me. And I would never cheat on you. Ever.”
It was at moments like this I wish more than ever that my mother was still alive. Carol gives me advice sometimes, but it’s not the same—she thinks Adam is Mr. Perfect. And Mack has an ulterior motive, so I can’t trust what he has to say. I didn’t know what to do.
But I couldn’t imagine my future without Adam in it.
“I love you so much, Vicky.” He reached for my hand and I let him take it. “You are the best goddamn thing that’s ever happened to me. Better than hitting the New York Times bestseller list. You’re my whole life.” He blinked his bloodshot eyes. “Please… let me make this up to you. Please.”
Finally, I told him I would think about it. He went to take a shower, and then even though he must’ve been feeling like crud, he took me out to lunch. And then we got gelatos. And he bought me flowers. And he spent the whole day telling me how much he loved me and how I was the most amazing woman he’s ever met.
I’m not made of stone.
Adam is a good guy. I know that. What he did last night was really out of character, and I have to believe it must’ve been from how much he had to drink. I’m going to give him one more chance, but believe me, I’m going to make him work for it. I’m not going to put up with any more garbage. I won’t be his punching bag. I won’t.
I started writing this for my future children to tell them the story of how I met their father. But if that doesn’t end up happening with Adam, at least this will serve as a reminder to me that even the best relationship can go sour.
