THE NEXT DAY ITโSย like my entire world revolves around preparing for study hall, even though I know itโs the least important part of the day. I should be worrying about my trig quiz next week, and the fact that I have no clue how to even properly work my calculator yet. I canโt tell if Iโm obsessing over seeing Josh again because Iโm dreading it or because I canโt wait. Or both, somehow.
When I get there, heโs already sitting with his friends. I stand in the doorway, not knowing what to do. I canโt go over and just sit there. But then if I sit somewhere else, I donโt want it to seem like I donโt want to sit with him again. Heโs laughing with the guy in front of him, whoโs turned around in his chair, gesturing wildly.
But then the second bells rings. People are still filing in, and they push past me as I stand in the way. My heart starts racing as I try to make the decision. If he would just look over here and give me a sign that Iโm invited to sit back there again. But heโs not paying attention. He doesnโt see me. He probably doesnโt even remember yesterday.
โOkay, find your seats, everyone!โ the teacher yells. So I sink into the seat closest to the door. I keep my eyes glued on the back of the kidโs neck in front of me while the teacher takes roll call. I am the biggest coward in the universe.
โEden McCrorey?โ
I raise my arm, but he overlooks me.
โEden McCrorey?โ he repeats, louder.
โHere,โ I call back. And I canโt help myself; I look behind me to the back corner of the room where heโs sitting. Heโs looking at me. I turn back around quickly. When the teacher finishes taking attendance, I hurry to the front of the room to have him sign my pass for the library. When I turn around to head for the door, Josh waves at me and points his thumb toward the empty desk next to his. As I get closer he motions for me to come over there. I really just want to run, though. But I remember about acting normal and smiling, so I walk over to him. His friends turn to look at me; itโs like theyโre evaluating meโinspecting me for flaws. Quietly, Josh says, โHey, Eden, I saved your spot.โ
โOh. Well, thanks. Iโm going to the library though.โ
He looks disappointed. โTomorrow then,โ he says with a shrug, brushing it off.
โSure.โ
And then he looks up at me with his smile, and I can feel his eyes watching me as I leave. Iโm barely breathing. My heart feels light and fastโtoo fast.
I walk through the doors of the library, quietly making my way to her office. I see her sitting at her desk going through some papers. I knock softly.
โEden, come on in!โ She smiles, her voice warm.
I sit down in one of her chairs. โHi, Miss Sullivan.โ
โSo, to what do I owe this pleasure?โ
โI just wanted to say hi.โ I just needed a place to hide. Again.
โThatโs so sweet. Thank you, Eden.โ Thereโs this pauseโthis silence that lasts too long. Thankfully, she fills it. โYou know, I was just thinking back to last year. I remember you had initially wanted to volunteer?โ
โOh yeah, I did.โ Iโd nearly forgotten.
โWell, thereโre still some spots openย .ย .ย . if youโre interested, that is.โ
โReally? Yeah, I am. I mean, yes. Definitely!โ
โOkay. When are you free?โ she asks, pulling up the schedule on her computer.
โNow, I guess. I have study hall, and then directly after I have lunch, so I could even volunteer third and fourth periods. I mean, if you need me. If you need help, I mean.โ
โWell, I do need help, but I want you,โ she says pointedly, tracing her finger along the boxes of her calendar. โOkay! Weโre in luck; it looks like thatโs going to work out perfectly!โ
โGreat. When do I start?โ
โNo time like the present,โ she says, opening her arms in this welcoming gesture. Miss Sullivan takes me through the checkout process and teaches me about the database and how to locate the books on the shelves. She watches while I check out my first customer.
โYouโre a natural!โ she tells me. I smile back at her, not with my new smile but my real one. Iโm glad to be around her againโshe makes me feel like maybe I really am normal. Like things really will be okay.