SO THERE YOU HAVE IT. Alicia Berenson didnโt kill her husband. A faceless intruder broke into their home and, in an apparently motiveless act of malice, shot Gabriel dead before vanishing into the night. Alicia was entirely innocent.
Thatโs if you believe her explanation. I didnโt. Not a word of it.
Apart from her obvious inconsistencies and inaccuraciesโsuch as that Gabriel was not shot six times, but only five, one of the bullets being fired at the ceiling; nor was Alicia discovered tied to a chair, but standing in the middle of the room, having slashed her wrists. Alicia made no mention to me of the manโs untying her, nor did she explain why she hadnโt told the police this version of events from the start. No, I knew she was lying. I was annoyed that she had lied, badly and pointlessly, to my face. For a second I wondered if she was testing me, seeing whether I accepted the story? If so, I was determined to give nothing away.
I sat there in silence.
Unusually, Alicia spoke first. โIโm tired. I want to stop.โ I nodded. I couldnโt object.
โLetโs carry on tomorrow,โ she said. โIs there more to say?โ
โYes. One last thing.โ โVery well. Tomorrow.โ
Yuri was waiting in the corridor. He escorted Alicia to her room, and I went up to my office.
As I have said, itโs been my practice for years to transcribe a session as soon as itโs ended. The ability to accurately record what has been said
during the past fifty minutes is of paramount importance to a therapistโ otherwise much detail is forgotten and the immediacy of the emotions lost.
I sat at my desk and wrote down, as fast as I could, everything that had transpired between us. The moment I finished, I marched through the corridors, clutching my pages of notes.
I knocked on Diomedesโs door. There was no response, so I knocked again. Still no answer. I opened the door a crackโand there was Diomedes, fast asleep on his narrow couch.
โProfessor?โ And again, louder: โProfessor Diomedes?โ He woke with a start and sat up quickly. He blinked at me. โWhat is it? Whatโs wrong?โ
โI need to talk to you. Should I come back later?โ
Diomedes frowned and shook his head. โI was having a brief siesta. I always do, after lunch. It helps me get through the afternoon. It becomes a necessity as you get older.โ He yawned and stood up. โCome in, Theo. Sit down. By the looks of you, itโs important.โ
โI think it is, yes.โ โAlicia?โ
I nodded. I sat in front of the desk. He sat down behind it. His hair was sticking up to one side, and he still looked half-asleep.
โAre you sure I shouldnโt come back later?โ
Diomedes shook his head. He poured himself a glass of water from a jug. โIโm awake now. Go on. What it is?โ
โIโve been with Alicia, talking.โฆ I need some supervision.โ
Diomedes nodded. He was looking more awake by the second, and more interested. โGo on.โ
I started reading from my notes. I took him through the entire session. I repeated her words as accurately as I could and relayed the story she had told me: how the man whoโd been spying on her broke into the house, took her prisoner, and shot and killed Gabriel.
When I finished, there was a long pause. Diomedesโs expression gave little away. He pulled a box of cigars out of his desk drawer. He took out a little silver guillotine. He popped the end of a cigar into it and sliced it off.
โLetโs start with the countertransference. Tell me about your emotional experience. Start at the beginning. As she was telling you her story, what kind of feelings were coming up?โ
I thought about it for a moment. โI felt excited, I suppose.โฆ And anxious. Afraid.โ
โAfraid? Was it your fear, or hers?โ โBoth, I imagine.โ
โAnd what were you afraid of?โ
โIโm not sure. Fear of failure, perhaps. I have a lot riding on this, as you know.โ
Diomedes nodded. โWhat else?โ
โFrustration too. I feel frustrated quite frequently during our sessions.โ โAnd angry?โ
โYes, I suppose so.โ
โYou feel like a frustrated father, dealing with a difficult child?โ โYes. I want to help herโbut I donโt know if she wants to be helped.โ
He nodded. โStay with the feeling of anger. Talk more about it. How does it manifest itself?โ
I hesitated. โWell, I often leave the sessions with a splitting headache.โ Diomedes nodded. โYes, exactly. It has to come out one way or another.
โA trainee who is not anxious will be sick.โ Who was it who said that?โ โI donโt know.โ I shrugged. โIโm sickย andย anxious.โ
Diomedes smiled. โYouโre also no longer a traineeโalthough those feelings never go away entirely.โ He picked up his cigar. โLetโs go outside for a smoke.โ
* * *
We went onto the fire escape. Diomedes puffed on his cigar for a moment, mulling things over. Eventually he reached a conclusion.
โSheโs lying, you know.โ
โYou mean about the man killing Gabriel? I thought so too.โ โNot just that.โ
โThen what?โ
โAll of it. The whole cock-and-bull story. I donโt believe a single word of it.โ
I must have looked rather taken aback. I had suspected heโd disbelieve some elements of Aliciaโs tale. I hadnโt expected him to reject the whole thing.
โYou donโt believe in the man?โ
โNo, I donโt. I donโt believe he ever existed. Itโs a fantasy. From start to finish.โ
โWhat makes you so sure?โ
Diomedes gave me a strange smile. โCall it my intuition. Years of professional experience with fantasists.โ I tried to interrupt but he forestalled me with a wave of his hand. โOf course, I donโt expect you to agree, Theo. Youโre in deep with Alicia, and your feelings are bound up with hers like a tangled ball of wool. That is the purpose of a supervision like thisโto help you unpick the strands of woolโto see what is yours and what is hers. And once you gain some distance, and clarity, I suspect you will feel rather differently about your experience with Alicia Berenson.โ
โIโm not sure what you mean.โ
โWell, to be blunt, I fear she has been performing for you. Manipulating you. And itโs a performance that I believe has been tailored specifically to appeal to your chivalric โฆ and, letโs say, romantic instincts. It was obvious to me from the start that you intended to rescue her. Iโm quite sure it was obvious to Alicia too. Hence her seduction of you.โ
โYou sound like Christian. She hasnโt seduced me. I am perfectly capable of withstanding a patientโs sexual projections. Donโt underestimate me, Professor.โ
โDonโt underestimateย her. Sheโs giving an excellent performance.โ Diomedes shook his head and peered up at the gray clouds. โThe vulnerable woman under attack, alone, in need of protection. Alicia has cast herself as the victim and this mystery man as the villain. Whereas in fact Alicia and the man are one and the same. She killed Gabriel. She was guiltyโand she is still refusing to accept that guilt. So she splits, dissociates, fantasizesโ Alicia becomes the innocent victim and you are her protector. And by
colluding with this fantasy you are allowing her to disown all responsibility.โ
โI donโt agree with that. I donโt believe she is lying, consciously, anyway. At the very least, Alicia believes her story to be true.โ
โYes, she believes it. Alicia is under attackโbut from her own psyche, not the outside world.โ
I knew that wasnโt true, but there was no point in arguing further. I stubbed out my cigarette.
โHow do you think I should proceed?โ
โYou must force her to confront the truth. Only then will she have a hope of recovery. You must refuse point-blank to accept her story. Challenge her. Demand she tell you the truth.โ
โAnd do you think she will?โ
He shrugged. โThatโโhe took a long drag on his cigarโโis anyoneโs guess.โ
โVery well. Iโll talk to her tomorrow. Iโll confront her.โ
Diomedes looked slightly uneasy and opened his mouth as if he was about to say something further. But he changed his mind. He nodded and stamped on his cigar with an air of finality. โTomorrow.โ