Eight hours before she decided to die, Nora entered the newsagentโs. โSheltering from the rain?โ the woman behind the counter asked.
โYes.โ Nora kept her head down. Her despair growing like a weight she couldnโt carry.
Aย National Geographicย was on display.
As she stared now at the magazine cover โ an image of a black hole โ she realised thatโs what she was. A black hole. A dying star, collapsing in on itself.
Her dad used to subscribe. She remembered being enthralled by an article about Svalbard, the Norwegian archipelago in the Arctic Ocean. Sheโd never seen a place that looked soย far away. Sheโd read about scientists doing research among glaciers and frozenย ๎ords and pu๏ฌns.ย ๎ขen, prompted by Mrs Elm, sheโd decided she wanted to be a glaciologist.
She saw the scru๏ฌy, hunched form of her brotherโs friend โ and their own former bandmate โ Ravi by the music mags, engrossed in an article. She stood there for a fraction too long, because when she walked away she heard him say, โNora?โ
โRavi, hi. I hear Joe was in Bedford the other day?โ A small nod. โYeah.โ
โDid he, um, did you see him?โ โI did actually.โ
A silence Nora felt as pain. โHe didnโt tell me he was coming.โ โWas just a ๏ฌy-by.โ
โIs he okay?โ
Ravi paused. Nora had once liked him, and heโd been a loyal friend to her brother. But, as with Joe, there was a barrier between them.ย ๎ขey hadnโt parted on the best of terms. (Heโd thrown his drumsticks on the ๏ฌoor of a rehearsal room and stropped out when Nora told him she was out of the band.) โI think heโs depressed.โ
Noraโs mind grew heavier at the idea her brother might feel like she did. โHeโs not himself,โ Ravi went on, anger in his voice. โHeโs going to have to
move out of his shoebox in Shepherdโs Bush. What with him not being able to play lead guitar in a successful rock band. Mind you, Iโve got no money either. Pub gigs donโt pay these days. Even when you agree to clean the toilets. Ever cleaned pub toilets, Nora?โ
โIโm having a pretty shit time too, if weโre doing the Misery Olympics.โ
Ravi cough-laughed. A hardness momentarily shadowed his face. โ๎ขe worldโs smallest violin is playing.โ
She wasnโt in the mood. โIs this aboutย ๎ขe Labyrinths? Still?โ
โIt meant a lot to me. And to your brother. To all of us. We had a deal with Universal. Right.ย ๎ขere. Album, singles, tour, promo. We could be Coldplay now.โ
โYou hate Coldplay.โ
โNot the point. We could be in Malibu. Instead:ย Bedford. And so, no, your brotherโs not ready to see you.โ
โI was havingย panic attacks. Iโd have let everyone down in the end. I told the label to take you on without me. I agreed to write the songs. It wasnโt my fault I was engaged. I was with Dan. It was kind of a deal-breaker.โ
โWell, yeah. How did that work out?โ โRavi, that isnโt fair.โ
โFair. Great word.โ
๎ขe woman behind the counter gawped with interest.
โBands donโt last. Weโd have been a meteor shower. Over before we started.โ
โMeteor showers are fucking beautiful.โ โCome on. Youโre still with Ella, arenโt you?โ
โAnd I could be with Ellaย andย in a successful band, withย money. We had that chance. Rightย there.โ He pointed to the palm of his hand. โOur songs wereย ๏ฌre.โ
Nora hated herself for silently correcting the โourโ to โmyโ.
โI donโt think your problem was stage fright. Or wedding fright. I think your problem wasย life fright.โ
๎ขis hurt.ย ๎ขe words took the air out of her.
โAnd I thinkย yourย problem,โ she retaliated, voice trembling, โis blaming others for your shitty life.โ
He nodded, as if slapped. Put his magazine back. โSee you around, Nora.โ
โTell Joe I said hi,โ she said, as he walked out of the shop and into the rain. โPlease.โ
She caught sight of the cover ofย Your Catย magazine. A ginger tabby. Her mind felt loud, like a Sturm und Drang symphony, as if the ghost of a German composer was trapped inside her mind, conjuring chaos and intensity.
๎ขe woman behind the counter said something to her she missed. โSorry?โ
โNora Seed?โ
๎ขe woman โ blonde bob, bottle tan โ was happy and casual and relaxed in a way Nora no longer knew how to be. Leaning over the counter, on her forearms, as if Nora was a lemur at the zoo.
โYep.โ
โIโm Kerry-Anne. Remember you from school.ย ๎ขe swimmer. Super-brain. Didnโt whatshisface, Mr Blandford, do an assembly on you once? Said you were going to end up at the Olympics?โ
Nora nodded. โSo, did you?โ
โI, um, gave it up. Was more into music . . . at the time.ย ๎ขen life happened.โ
โSo what do you do now?โ โIโm . . . between things.โ
โGot anyone, then? Bloke? Kids?โ
Nora shook her head. Wishing it would fall o๏ฌ. Her own head. Onto the ๏ฌoor. So she never had to have a conversation with a stranger ever again.
โWell, donโt hang about. Tick-tock tick-tock.โ
โIโmย thirty-๏ฌve.โ She wished Izzy was here. Izzy never put up with any of this kind of shit. โAnd Iโm not sure I wantโโ
โMe and Jake were like rabbits but we got there. Two little terrors. But worth it, yโknow? I just feelย complete. I could show you some pictures.โ
โI get headaches, with . . . phones.โ
Dan had wanted kids. Nora didnโt know. Sheโd been petri๏ฌed of motherhood.ย ๎ขe fear of a deeper depression. She couldnโt look a๎er herself, let alone anyone else.
โStill in Bedford, then?โ โMm-hm.โ
โ๎ขought youโd be one who got away.โ โI came back. My mum was ill.โ
โAw, sorry to hear that. Hope sheโs okay now?โ โI better go.โ
โBut itโs still raining.โ
As Nora escaped the shop, she wished there were nothing but doors ahead of her, which she could walk through one by one, leaving everything behind.
