Window shopping isn’t working out exactly as I’d hoped.
The concept is that I try on clothing for fun, and then leave without buying anything. This is supposed to help me save money (or at least dig myself out of credit card debt) so that I can eventually not be living with my grandmother. But it’s harder to do that than I’d thought. Whenever I try on something really sexy, I imagine the look on Joel’s face when he sees me in it. And then a minute later, I’m at the cash register.
Why is clothing so expensive anyway? One could easily spend a month’s rent at one of these stores without blinking an eye. Especially if you throw in shoes. And it’s not like you can buy a dress without buying shoes too.
So that’s why today I will not buy anything. I don’t care how much this sexy green dress highlights my boobs. And I’m definitely not buying these pumps to go with it, no matter how long they make my stubby legs look.
As I hold the green dress in my hand, mentally forcing myself to put it back in the rack, I notice a woman is staring at me. She’s wearing a stylish black leather coat and her hair is in a sensible bob, and she’s got one hand on a stroller that holds an adorable little boy. The boy’s soft blond curls make my ovaries eject three eggs at once. I can feel it happening.
I always wondered what the children Joel and I would have would look like. Not blond, certainly. I imagined they would have his blue eyes and my dark hair. Of course, at this rate, I’ll be lucky if I find someone to marry in time to have kids. The dream of becoming a mother seems as out of reach as this horribly expensive dress.
The woman keeps staring at me, her brow furrowed, which is making me a bit uncomfortable. At first, I can’t figure out why she’s looking at me, but then something jogs my memory. From years ago.
“Are you…?” the woman starts to say to me. “Hi, Melissa,” I say.
It all comes back to me now. Melissa was dating Joel’s med school classmate Greg. They started going out around the same time Joel and I did, actually. But we lost touch after Joel graduated and his classmates all went their separate ways. Melissa and I were always friendly, but not quite friends. Not the way Lydia and I used to be.
“I thought you looked familiar!” Melissa’s face relaxes in recognition. “God, it’s been ages, hasn’t it? You look great.”
“So do you.” Melissa is a good fifteen pounds heavier than she was back then, but it suits her. She looks pretty and happy. Whereas I’m too thin, in spite of all the cooking I’ve done lately. My cheekbones jut out so much, I might injure someone inadvertently during a routine hug. And lately, my lips feel like they’re pulled down into a permanent frown.
“So what’s new?” I ask her. I look down at the precious little boy in the stroller, who is currently peeling his socks from his tiny feet. “Other than the obvious, of course.”
Melissa laughs. “Well, you remember Greg, right? We got married a couple of years ago. And little Owen came along last year.” She ruffles the little boy’s hair lovingly. He blows a raspberry and my ovaries shoot out two more eggs. “How about you? You always talked about starting your own restaurant. Are you… did you…?”
I nod. “Yes, I did. A little Italian place.”
“Oh, that’s amazing!” Melissa claps her hands together. “And what about Joel? Are you two still together?”
My stomach sinks. I should have left this store the second I recognized Melissa. “Yes, we are. In fact…” I swallow. “We just got engaged!”
“Oh, that’s amazing!” Melissa’s eyes light up for a moment, but then they drop. I’m not sure what she’s looking at, until I see the line between her gaze and my left hand.
“I’m having the ring resized,” I say quickly, squeezing my left hand into a fist. “But honestly, I’m scared to wear it. The diamond is just so big.”
It’s not like Melissa will ever find out the truth. We haven’t seen Melissa and Greg in years. I may as well enjoy telling one person about the engagement I’ll never have. About my diamond that is just too damn big. It’s a victimless crime.
“Greg was just talking about Joel the other day, actually,” Melissa says. “We should have you guys over.” She glances at her towheaded little boy, who has somehow gone from undressing himself to being completely passed out in the last few seconds. “I’ll have Greg send him a text or something.”
My mouth suddenly feels like it’s full of paste. “Wonderful. We would love that.”
She glances down at the dress I’m still clutching in my hand. “I’m heading to checkout. Are you buying that now?”
I shouldn’t. I really shouldn’t. Oh, what the hell.
I get in line just ahead of Melissa, because she’s still deciding between two pairs of pants. She holds up one of them and sighs. “This one is just the tiniest bit tight, but that will motivate me to lose weight. Right?”
“You don’t need to lose weight. You look great.”
She shakes her head. “I absolutely do need to lose weight. Unlike you. God, what’s your secret?”
Getting dumped so I completely lose my appetite. I don’t say that though. “Good genes, I guess.”
I lay the painfully expensive dress down on the checkout counter along with the shoes. I absolutely shouldn’t be buying these things, but they look so good. If Joel sees me in this dress, he’ll forget all about Olive. I’m sure of it. And you can’t put a price tag on love.
The girl at the checkout counter scans my items as she loudly chews on her gum. I hand over my credit card to swipe, and she looks at the cash register, her eyebrows bunched together.
“I’m sorry, Ms. Mascolo,” she says. “It says here your card has been declined.”
My mouth falls open. I know I’d been charging a lot of things lately, but not that much. Have I?
I guess you can put a price tag on love. And I can’t afford it.
I glance behind me. Is there any chance Melissa didn’t hear that?
But no. Her eyes are conspicuously avoiding mine.
“Do you have another payment method?” the girl asks me.
“I… I think I left my other credit card at home,” I mumble. I finger the card she’s handed back to me. “It’s got to be some mistake though. I can’t possibly…”
Well, I could possibly.
“I’m sorry,” the girl says again, shrugging helplessly. “But if you don’t have another way to pay…”
“Right.” I shove my useless credit card back into my wallet. “Well, I’ll have to phone the credit card company… figure out how they made such a bad mistake! So inconvenient.” I say this last one for Melissa’s benefit. She’s now made herself very busy looking through her diaper bag. “Anyway, Melissa… I better go. I have to call the credit card company and figure out how this could have happened.”
Am I talking too loud? I feel like I’m talking very, very loud. I can’t seem to control it though.
“Yes, of course,” she murmurs.
“Why don’t I have Joel send Greg a text message,” I say. She nods. “Yes. Perfect.”
But her eyes are on my left hand. She gets it. She knows Joel and I aren’t engaged. She knows everything I told her is a lie. She’s not excited to see me again. All she feels is sorry for me.
