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Chapter no 20

Kiss the Sky

CONNOR COBALT

Frederick has spent the past ten minutes giving me the silent treatment. He sits behind his desk and pretends to be interested inย The New York Timesย on his computer. Heโ€™s pissed that Iโ€™m still taking Adderall. But I canโ€™t function without it.

I finish texting Rose and lean back in the leather chair. Frederick hasnโ€™t looked up yet.

โ€œIโ€™m not paying you to ignore me,โ€ I tell him.

His eyes remain on the computer screen. โ€œYouโ€™re right. Youโ€™re paying for my counsel, which you are clearly not interested in.โ€ He starts typing on his keyboard, the pounding more aggravating than Iโ€™ll let on. He has a squared jaw, tousled brown hair and broad-shouldersโ€”in his thirties, fairly good looking, but he never married. His work is his wife.

I press my fingers to my lips in thought. โ€œAnd youโ€™re not even the slightest bit interested in what Rose texted me?โ€ I try.

His fingers falter as he types, but he regains fluidity. Frederick enjoys talking with me, whether heโ€™ll admit it to himself or not. Iโ€™m his most interesting patient.

โ€œShe asked me to bring home wine and tequila.โ€ I donโ€™t say anything else.

I watch the curiosity build in Frederickโ€™s eyes until he lets out a sigh and rolls his chair back, his body angled towards me.

โ€œYouโ€™re too easy,โ€ I tell him.

โ€œSo youโ€™ve told me.โ€ He pauses. โ€œHow far have you been with her?โ€

I hesitate to reveal this, which surprises even me. Iโ€™m usually open about everything with Frederick, but being with Rose makes me want to keep every moment close to our chests, so no one can share what happens but us. It takes me about a minute to finally say, โ€œShe sucked my cock.โ€

Frederickโ€™s brows rise in surprise. โ€œYou got her to blow you?โ€

โ€œRose had the choice.โ€ I donโ€™t want one of us to lose with sex. We both need to come out successful and fulfilled.

โ€œHow kinky?โ€ Frederick asks.

I let out a mock sigh and stare at the ceiling. โ€œWeโ€™re not there yet.โ€ I tilt my head. โ€œGive her time, Rick. Sheโ€™s a virgin.โ€

โ€œIโ€™m surprised youโ€™re not pushing her harder. For years, youโ€™ve talked about how you want toโ€”โ€

โ€œIโ€™m going to push her as far as I think she can go without having her run out on me. Sheโ€™s packed a suitcase before, remember? She stayed in a hotel in the Hamptons for a week just to prove a point. And we werenโ€™t even living together then.โ€

Frederick laughs. โ€œI remember. You were both fighting about the Theory of Relativity.โ€

โ€œShe loves to disagree with me.โ€ We argue a lot about theories because theyโ€™re easily debatable, but we always, somehow, kiss in the end. When

she finally returned to Princeton, I spent the day with her in bed, sucking on her neck, gently easing her to go further. She was too scared to do more.

But I think, for once, she will now.

โ€œWhen she went down on you, you didnโ€™t let her use her hands?โ€ he suddenly asks.

โ€œNo.โ€ These questions are annoying me more than usual. โ€œDid she like it?โ€

โ€œImmensely.โ€

โ€œYouโ€™re very possessive of her,โ€ he states, taking out his notepad. โ€œHow can you tell?โ€

โ€œYou sound irritated.โ€

Wonderful.

โ€œDid you go down on her afterwards?โ€

โ€œNo.โ€ I shift my jaw, trying to get my words to cooperate and not come out so damn coarse.

โ€œBecause you didnโ€™t have time?โ€

โ€œNo,โ€ Iย almostย snap at him. I clear my throat as Frederick scribbles something down.

โ€œBecause she wouldnโ€™t let you.โ€

I stay quiet since he phrased this one as a statement, not a question. โ€œSheโ€™s frightened to let you touch her. The alcohol she wants you to buy

will lessen her inhibitions and reservations. If sheโ€™s afraid in the first place, maybe sheโ€™s not submissive, Connor.โ€

I feel a tightness in my chest as I speak, the words coming more easily now. โ€œShe responds to submission in the bedroom, but outside of it? Sheโ€™s not submissive, and she never will be.โ€ I pause. โ€œAnd I like that. I need someone who can match me outside of the bedroom. It keeps me sharp. But in bed, I give her everything she needs, and she gives it back. Thatโ€™s the part I love. In that space, I can take control, empower herโ€”it’s a dynamic that never gets old.โ€

I think about her, back at those academic bowls and conferences. She never seemed like someone who would want to give up control in the bedroom. But as I saw her recoil from other men, I realized it wasnโ€™t about wanting to dominateโ€”she was just afraid to ask to be controlled. She thought being alone and unfulfilled sexually was safer. But it was never the right solution, not for her. And Iโ€™m here to prove it.

Frederick nods.

โ€œThereโ€™s more.โ€ I need to be honest about whatโ€™s going on recently.

โ€œShe thinks once she gives herself to me, Iโ€™ll leaveโ€”that our relationship is nothing more than a game because I wonโ€™t allow myself to love anyone.โ€

โ€œAnd why donโ€™t you love her, Connor?โ€ His chair creaks as he leans back, and a shadow of a smile plays at his lips.

He acts as though he understands what I canโ€™t, putting me at odds with myself. Heโ€™s listened to my beliefs about love for years, but that doesnโ€™t stop him from routinely asking more.

โ€œPeople relate love to insects fluttering inside their digestive system.

Iโ€™ve never had that affliction.โ€

He cracks a smile. โ€œItโ€™s a metaphor.โ€ โ€œI know what a metaphor is, Rick.โ€

โ€œThen stop being a smartass and so will I.โ€

I straighten in my chair, becoming more serious. โ€œIโ€™ve seen the kind of love that cripples. Take Loren Hale and Lily Callowayโ€”when one is shot

with an emotion, the other feels it. If you stripped one from the other, theyโ€™d be less than themselves. If thatโ€™s love, I want no part of it.โ€ I want to be whole. I want to be the best possible version of myself without the chance of being wounded or broken.

โ€œCan you empathize with Rose?โ€ he asks me.

โ€œYes, but love is a weakness that I wonโ€™t submit to.โ€

โ€œSometimes you canโ€™t control everything, Connor,โ€ he tells me. โ€œEven as intelligent as you are, there are things out of your grasp. Love, deathโ€” you canโ€™t predict either. They just happen.โ€

โ€œAnd you believe itโ€™s already happened?โ€ I refuse this outcome. Itโ€™s not computable.

โ€œWhy are you with her?โ€ โ€œAttraction.โ€

โ€œAnd?โ€ โ€œAffection.โ€

โ€œWhat else?โ€

โ€œAmusementโ€”these are just words, Frederick.โ€ โ€œLove is just a word.โ€

โ€œI canโ€™t love her,โ€ I tell him definitively as I stand and pocket my phone. He stays seated, and yet, I feel as though he has the advantage on me.

He still sees what I canโ€™t. โ€œAnd why is that?โ€

โ€œSmart people do stupid things when theyโ€™re in love. Iโ€™ve yet to do something inane.โ€

Frederick grins. โ€œGive it time.โ€

I suppress the urge to roll my eyes. I wave him off and head to the door. โ€œSee you next week.โ€

โ€œIโ€™m looking forward to it.โ€

โ€œOf course you are,โ€ I say back. โ€œYou get to hear about me spanking my girlfriend.โ€

โ€œGet out of my office, Connor.โ€ He returns to his papers, but his grin grows wider and wider until I leave.

* * *

I stop by the liquor store after my session with Frederick, and itโ€™s late when I arrive home. The lights are off in the living room, and I donโ€™t hear Lily or Loโ€™s climaxes through the walls.

When I reach the second level, I stop by my door, not about to knock. I havenโ€™t been that courteous since we moved in together. There are some

barriers that I choose to destroy for her.

As soon as the door creaks open, I find Rose sitting on the bed, flipping through the latest issue ofย Vogue. Her eyes flit up to mine and she drops the magazine on her lap. โ€œDid you bring it?โ€

I hold up the brown paper bag. โ€œWine and tequila as you requested, but I would advise only choosing one tonight. Unless youโ€™d like to be ill.โ€

โ€œThe wine is for you,โ€ she says curtly.

My eyebrows rise. So the tequila is for her. Sheโ€™s that nervous.

She pats the mattress. โ€œTake a seat, Richard. You look like a scared little cat. Sadie would claw you for your cowardice.โ€

โ€œMy cat loves me unconditionally,โ€ I reply. The bed rocks as I climb onto it, and I set the paper bag in between us. โ€œAnd Iโ€™m fine, so you must be projecting your fear onto me.โ€ I smile, just so I can see that flicker of contempt in her eyes.

โ€œIโ€™m not scared.โ€ She straightens up and pulls her shoulders back. โ€œI know exactly what weโ€™ll be doing tonight. I canโ€™t say the same for you.โ€

โ€œSo what are we doing tonight, hun?โ€ I ask. โ€œOther than getting drunk.โ€

She reaches into the paper bag and pulls out the bottle of Patron. I watch her unscrew the cap and start rubbing the lip with the hem of her black thigh-length nightgown. Itโ€™s silk and looks like a slip underneath a dress.

I immediately imagine myself slowly lifting the thin fabric off her body, leaving her bare for my touch. I want her naked. Now.

Patience.

I place my hand on the smoothness of her leg, her skin nearly as silky as her nightgown and exceedingly warmer. The minute I pull her closer to me with that one hand, her chest rises. But she focuses on wiping the rim of her Patron.

Rose plans on drinking straight from the bottle. Sheโ€™s trying hard to

progress our relationship, willing to forgo a glass. Thatโ€™s a big deal in Rose Callowayโ€™s world. Her effort hasnโ€™t gone unnoticed in my eyes.

When itโ€™s successfully clean for her lips, Rose takes a swig from the bottle. She nods to the bag. โ€œGet your wine. And then weโ€™ll play the game.โ€

โ€œWhat game?โ€ โ€œTruth or dare.โ€

She says it with a straight face, almost challenging me to laugh. I keep my expression complacent, but I canโ€™t help what I say. โ€œShall we spend seven minutes in heaven too?โ€

She shoots me a heated look. โ€œWeโ€™re playing. Donโ€™t make me tie you up.โ€

I laugh and rub my lips, unable to contain my amusement. โ€œDarling, if anyone is going to be tied up,โ€ I say, my hand descending towards her ass, โ€œcโ€™est toi.โ€

Itโ€™s you.

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