CONNOR COBALT
Frederick has spent the past ten minutes giving me the silent treatment. He sits behind his desk and pretends to be interested inย The New York Timesย on his computer. Heโs pissed that Iโm still taking Adderall. But I canโt function without it.
I finish texting Rose and lean back in the leather chair. Frederick hasnโt looked up yet.
โIโm not paying you to ignore me,โ I tell him.
His eyes remain on the computer screen. โYouโre right. Youโre paying for my counsel, which you are clearly not interested in.โ He starts typing on his keyboard, the pounding more aggravating than Iโll let on. He has a squared jaw, tousled brown hair and broad-shouldersโin his thirties, fairly good looking, but he never married. His work is his wife.
I press my fingers to my lips in thought. โAnd youโre not even the slightest bit interested in what Rose texted me?โ I try.
His fingers falter as he types, but he regains fluidity. Frederick enjoys talking with me, whether heโll admit it to himself or not. Iโm his most interesting patient.
โShe asked me to bring home wine and tequila.โ I donโt say anything else.
I watch the curiosity build in Frederickโs eyes until he lets out a sigh and rolls his chair back, his body angled towards me.
โYouโre too easy,โ I tell him.
โSo youโve told me.โ He pauses. โHow far have you been with her?โ
I hesitate to reveal this, which surprises even me. Iโm usually open about everything with Frederick, but being with Rose makes me want to keep every moment close to our chests, so no one can share what happens but us. It takes me about a minute to finally say, โShe sucked my cock.โ
Frederickโs brows rise in surprise. โYou got her to blow you?โ
โRose had the choice.โ I donโt want one of us to lose with sex. We both need to come out successful and fulfilled.
โHow kinky?โ Frederick asks.
I let out a mock sigh and stare at the ceiling. โWeโre not there yet.โ I tilt my head. โGive her time, Rick. Sheโs a virgin.โ
โIโm surprised youโre not pushing her harder. For years, youโve talked about how you want toโโ
โIโm going to push her as far as I think she can go without having her run out on me. Sheโs packed a suitcase before, remember? She stayed in a hotel in the Hamptons for a week just to prove a point. And we werenโt even living together then.โ
Frederick laughs. โI remember. You were both fighting about the Theory of Relativity.โ
โShe loves to disagree with me.โ We argue a lot about theories because theyโre easily debatable, but we always, somehow, kiss in the end. When
she finally returned to Princeton, I spent the day with her in bed, sucking on her neck, gently easing her to go further. She was too scared to do more.
But I think, for once, she will now.
โWhen she went down on you, you didnโt let her use her hands?โ he suddenly asks.
โNo.โ These questions are annoying me more than usual. โDid she like it?โ
โImmensely.โ
โYouโre very possessive of her,โ he states, taking out his notepad. โHow can you tell?โ
โYou sound irritated.โ
Wonderful.
โDid you go down on her afterwards?โ
โNo.โ I shift my jaw, trying to get my words to cooperate and not come out so damn coarse.
โBecause you didnโt have time?โ
โNo,โ Iย almostย snap at him. I clear my throat as Frederick scribbles something down.
โBecause she wouldnโt let you.โ
I stay quiet since he phrased this one as a statement, not a question. โSheโs frightened to let you touch her. The alcohol she wants you to buy
will lessen her inhibitions and reservations. If sheโs afraid in the first place, maybe sheโs not submissive, Connor.โ
I feel a tightness in my chest as I speak, the words coming more easily now. โShe responds to submission in the bedroom, but outside of it? Sheโs not submissive, and she never will be.โ I pause. โAnd I like that. I need someone who can match me outside of the bedroom. It keeps me sharp. But in bed, I give her everything she needs, and she gives it back. Thatโs the part I love. In that space, I can take control, empower herโit’s a dynamic that never gets old.โ
I think about her, back at those academic bowls and conferences. She never seemed like someone who would want to give up control in the bedroom. But as I saw her recoil from other men, I realized it wasnโt about wanting to dominateโshe was just afraid to ask to be controlled. She thought being alone and unfulfilled sexually was safer. But it was never the right solution, not for her. And Iโm here to prove it.
Frederick nods.
โThereโs more.โ I need to be honest about whatโs going on recently.
โShe thinks once she gives herself to me, Iโll leaveโthat our relationship is nothing more than a game because I wonโt allow myself to love anyone.โ
โAnd why donโt you love her, Connor?โ His chair creaks as he leans back, and a shadow of a smile plays at his lips.
He acts as though he understands what I canโt, putting me at odds with myself. Heโs listened to my beliefs about love for years, but that doesnโt stop him from routinely asking more.
โPeople relate love to insects fluttering inside their digestive system.
Iโve never had that affliction.โ
He cracks a smile. โItโs a metaphor.โ โI know what a metaphor is, Rick.โ
โThen stop being a smartass and so will I.โ
I straighten in my chair, becoming more serious. โIโve seen the kind of love that cripples. Take Loren Hale and Lily Callowayโwhen one is shot
with an emotion, the other feels it. If you stripped one from the other, theyโd be less than themselves. If thatโs love, I want no part of it.โ I want to be whole. I want to be the best possible version of myself without the chance of being wounded or broken.
โCan you empathize with Rose?โ he asks me.
โYes, but love is a weakness that I wonโt submit to.โ
โSometimes you canโt control everything, Connor,โ he tells me. โEven as intelligent as you are, there are things out of your grasp. Love, deathโ you canโt predict either. They just happen.โ
โAnd you believe itโs already happened?โ I refuse this outcome. Itโs not computable.
โWhy are you with her?โ โAttraction.โ
โAnd?โ โAffection.โ
โWhat else?โ
โAmusementโthese are just words, Frederick.โ โLove is just a word.โ
โI canโt love her,โ I tell him definitively as I stand and pocket my phone. He stays seated, and yet, I feel as though he has the advantage on me.
He still sees what I canโt. โAnd why is that?โ
โSmart people do stupid things when theyโre in love. Iโve yet to do something inane.โ
Frederick grins. โGive it time.โ
I suppress the urge to roll my eyes. I wave him off and head to the door. โSee you next week.โ
โIโm looking forward to it.โ
โOf course you are,โ I say back. โYou get to hear about me spanking my girlfriend.โ
โGet out of my office, Connor.โ He returns to his papers, but his grin grows wider and wider until I leave.
* * *
I stop by the liquor store after my session with Frederick, and itโs late when I arrive home. The lights are off in the living room, and I donโt hear Lily or Loโs climaxes through the walls.
When I reach the second level, I stop by my door, not about to knock. I havenโt been that courteous since we moved in together. There are some
barriers that I choose to destroy for her.
As soon as the door creaks open, I find Rose sitting on the bed, flipping through the latest issue ofย Vogue. Her eyes flit up to mine and she drops the magazine on her lap. โDid you bring it?โ
I hold up the brown paper bag. โWine and tequila as you requested, but I would advise only choosing one tonight. Unless youโd like to be ill.โ
โThe wine is for you,โ she says curtly.
My eyebrows rise. So the tequila is for her. Sheโs that nervous.
She pats the mattress. โTake a seat, Richard. You look like a scared little cat. Sadie would claw you for your cowardice.โ
โMy cat loves me unconditionally,โ I reply. The bed rocks as I climb onto it, and I set the paper bag in between us. โAnd Iโm fine, so you must be projecting your fear onto me.โ I smile, just so I can see that flicker of contempt in her eyes.
โIโm not scared.โ She straightens up and pulls her shoulders back. โI know exactly what weโll be doing tonight. I canโt say the same for you.โ
โSo what are we doing tonight, hun?โ I ask. โOther than getting drunk.โ
She reaches into the paper bag and pulls out the bottle of Patron. I watch her unscrew the cap and start rubbing the lip with the hem of her black thigh-length nightgown. Itโs silk and looks like a slip underneath a dress.
I immediately imagine myself slowly lifting the thin fabric off her body, leaving her bare for my touch. I want her naked. Now.
Patience.
I place my hand on the smoothness of her leg, her skin nearly as silky as her nightgown and exceedingly warmer. The minute I pull her closer to me with that one hand, her chest rises. But she focuses on wiping the rim of her Patron.
Rose plans on drinking straight from the bottle. Sheโs trying hard to
progress our relationship, willing to forgo a glass. Thatโs a big deal in Rose Callowayโs world. Her effort hasnโt gone unnoticed in my eyes.
When itโs successfully clean for her lips, Rose takes a swig from the bottle. She nods to the bag. โGet your wine. And then weโll play the game.โ
โWhat game?โ โTruth or dare.โ
She says it with a straight face, almost challenging me to laugh. I keep my expression complacent, but I canโt help what I say. โShall we spend seven minutes in heaven too?โ
She shoots me a heated look. โWeโre playing. Donโt make me tie you up.โ
I laugh and rub my lips, unable to contain my amusement. โDarling, if anyone is going to be tied up,โ I say, my hand descending towards her ass, โcโest toi.โ
Itโs you.