CONNOR COBALT
The screening party has been going relatively fine until I watched Samantha Calloway fawn over every bullshit line that came out of Scottโs mouth. He complimented her brown hair three fucking times, and Roseโs mother was
close to melting at his feet. At least her father is on my side.
He texted me:ย I donโt like him.ย โ Greg
To the point, a heart with good intentions. No bullshitting around. Thatโs Greg Calloway. His wife isnโt as benevolent, intelligent or non-judgmental. She has a WASP elitist mentality that would make my mother internally roll her eyes.
Itโs mostly Roseโs parents that have my stomach in knots. Because even though Iโve appeared only twice in the show, edited to look disinterested in my own girlfriend, itโs their opinions that matter to me, not the public, not strangersโjust people that I need to impress. Because one fucking day, I plan to marry that girl, and I want them to realize that Iโm the best man for Rose. And that no one else can come even marginally close.
Roseโs anxiety is sedated with five glasses of champagne, and she
relaxes into my chest while I hold her around the waist. Since the aired footage has been mostly about the โlove triangleโ for the past fifteen
minutes, Lily bottles her emotions and finally emerges from Loโs shirt, her cheeks tear-streaked and pink. I have a feeling Lo will be carrying her out of the venue. Most likely in a front piggy-back.
Weโre nearing the last five minutes. I think theyโll end with a Lo and Lily clip, but as soon as Scott Van Wrightโs face fills every big screen with
the captionโHeartthrob. Roseโs ex-boyfriendโI realize theyโre going to continue to capitalize on the love triangle.
So here we go, Scott. What do you have left for me?
โI think about her all the time,โ he says with an insincere, wistful smile. โSheโs a firestorm that I wonโt ever smother. Iโm the one who inflames her, who riles her to a new, confounding degree. Sheโs my perfect match.โ
My face falls. And I unwillingly let everyone see my shock. I canโt hold it in this time.
Because those last lines are mine. I said them in an interview. And he stole them from me.
โI hate him,โ Rose says under her breath, her eyes narrowed. She canโt see my reaction since she stands in front of my body while I hold her from behind.
โWhatโs wrong?โ I ask. โHe plagiarized you.โ
I let out a breath. โComment peux-tu le dire?โย How can you tell?
โWho riles her to a new, confounding degree?โ she repeats. โOnly you would say thatโฆand maybe me.โ
I kiss her cheek and wrap my arms tighter around her waist. She eases back into me. He canโt come between us.
โIโm still in love with her,โ Scott says. โAnd I canโt help what I feel, but itโs there. I love Rose the way she deserves to be loved. I justโฆโ He shakes his head like heโs filled with worry. โI just donโt see Connor being the best thing for her. Heโs too self-absorbed to care for that girl the way I do. And I hope, over the course of living with her again, sheโll realize that weโre meant to be.โ
โMurder is still illegal in Pennsylvania, right?โ Rose asks. โAnd the United States, and the world,โ I tell her.
โDammit.โ
And then the screen fills with me.
Back in the study room where I sit on a desk chair: โWhat do you think of Scott?โ Savannah asks.
I stay complacent. โI find him comparable to a little teenager jimmying the lock of my house.โ I stare right at Scott in the room, whoโs off screen, hovering over Savannahโs shoulder as she films me. I add, โHeโs nothing more than a petty thief, trying to take whatโs mine. Is that honest enough for you?โ
โAnd what about Rose?โ
โWhat about Rose?โย This is where I said what Scott just did. I called her my perfect match, but itโs edited out completely.
โDo you love her?โ Savannah asks.
The abrupt cut makes me look more callous than I am. More inhuman and unfeeling than I ever want to be.ย I stare off for a long time as I gauge my answer, picking my words carefully. To tell the truth. Or to lie.
โLove is irrelative to some.โ
Most people let me stop there. They never make me elaborate.
But Savannah says, โAnd is it to you?โ
I have a couple fingers to my jaw, and I smile, something that looks empty and soulless on screen. โYes,โ I say. โLove holds no meaning in my life.โ
The show fades to black with that last line. In the full-length interview, I added, โBut Rose is at the epicenter of my world, whether I allow myself to love her or not.โ
It was all cut.
And as the large crowd claps and talks amongst themselves about the show, Lo and Ryke turn on me with dark scowls. Rose grabs another
champagne glass off a tray and leans back into my chest, unaffected by my words like them.
โSo was that the real Connor Cobalt?โ Lo asks, his arm around Lily who stares at me with the same furrowed brows. She glances at her sister with
more concern. Theyโre on Roseโs side. As they should be.
โI spoke honestly,โ I say. โAnd that wasnโt the first time Iโve done so.โ โSo youโve never loved anyone?โ Lo asks. โNot another girlfriend, not
your mom, your dad or a friend?โ
He wants to know if I think of him more than just a contact like Patrick Nubell. Am I using Loren Hale for his fatherโs company, the multi-billion dollar baby product franchise? At first, yes. Now, no.
Heโs myย realย friend. Maybe my first one ever.
But have I loved him the way a friend loves another friend? I donโt think Iโm wired that way.
โNo,โ I say. โIโve never loved anyone, Lo. Iโm sorry.โ
Rose points to Lo, her champagne glass pinched between her fingers. โLet it go, Loren. I have.โ
โWhy,โ Lo asks, โbecause youโre both cold androids?โ
Rose shoots him a look that would be harsher if she didnโt drink so much tonight. I need to get her to bed before she passes out. โItโs just how he is. If you even understood half of Connor Cobaltโs beliefs, your head would spin.โ
โRose,โ I say, worried sheโs going to fracture my relationship with Loren. While he doesnโt know me like she does, Iโve never lied to him. I just havenโt shown him all of me. And that shouldnโt be a bad thing. Some people are naturally private. I am.
She tries to defend me, stepping towards Lo and skillfully staying upright. I hold her by the waist to steady her movements. โNo, Connor has
done nothing wrong.โ
โHe doesnโtย loveย you,โ Lo sneers. โHeโs been with you for over a year, Rose.โ
โLo,โ Lily warns.
โNo,โ Lo says, โshe needs to fucking hear this.โ He points accusingly at me. โWhat the hell kind of guy stays with a girl for that amount of time without anything in return? If heโs doesnโt love you, then heโs just waiting to fuck you.โ
He pokes at the most vulnerable part of my relationship with Rose. โShe doesnโt need your protection,โ I say to Lo, trying to keep my voice even- tempered, but Rose wavers uneasily in my arms. โShe knows who I am.โ
โSo youโre okay with that then?โ Lo asks her. โHeโs going to fuck you, and then heโs going to be out of here. Does that make you feel good, Rose? Youโve waited twenty-three goddamn years to lose it, and youโre going to give it to a guy who canโt even fucking admit that he loves you.โ
โIโm not going to admit something that I donโt feel,โ I tell him. He
opens his mouth, but I cut him off, โWould you like me to sit you down and fill your head with numbers and facts and relativities? You canโt stomach what I have to say because you wonโt understand it, and I know that hurts you. But thereโs nothing I can do to change the way things are. I am a product of a mother as brick-walled as me, and trust me when I say that you wonโt ever see more than I give you. In order to be my friend, that has to be enough, Lo.โ
He lets this sink in and then he says, โAnd what about you, Rose, is that enough for you?โ
Lily reaches out and touches her hand.
Rose nods stiffly, and she holds Lilyโs hand tighter. โIโm going to go to
the bathroom. You guys can meet us at the car.โ Lily supports her sister with
an arm around her waist as they head through the dispersing crowds.
I watch her, making sure she safely leaves, and then I glance back at Lo.
The look he gives meโit asphyxiates me for more than a few seconds.
He stares at me like he yanked off my superhero cape and grounded me to the mortal world.
โI just want you to know,โ Lo says, โthat I lost some respect for you tonight. And youโre not going to get it back so fucking easily.โ
Ryke says nothing. He just wears a haunted, dark expression. โSure,โ I say. โI understand.โ
Lo rubs his lips; his jaw clenches, and he nods to Ryke. They head out to the car without me.
I stay still and try to gather my feelings that tangle in a muted mass. What kind of person needs a therapist to tell them how they feel?
Am I not as smart as I believe or am I just human?