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Chapter no 18

Kiss the Sky

CONNOR COBALT

The screening party has been going relatively fine until I watched Samantha Calloway fawn over every bullshit line that came out of Scottโ€™s mouth. He complimented her brown hair three fucking times, and Roseโ€™s mother was

close to melting at his feet. At least her father is on my side.

He texted me:ย I donโ€™t like him.ย โ€“ Greg

To the point, a heart with good intentions. No bullshitting around. Thatโ€™s Greg Calloway. His wife isnโ€™t as benevolent, intelligent or non-judgmental. She has a WASP elitist mentality that would make my mother internally roll her eyes.

Itโ€™s mostly Roseโ€™s parents that have my stomach in knots. Because even though Iโ€™ve appeared only twice in the show, edited to look disinterested in my own girlfriend, itโ€™s their opinions that matter to me, not the public, not strangersโ€”just people that I need to impress. Because one fucking day, I plan to marry that girl, and I want them to realize that Iโ€™m the best man for Rose. And that no one else can come even marginally close.

Roseโ€™s anxiety is sedated with five glasses of champagne, and she

relaxes into my chest while I hold her around the waist. Since the aired footage has been mostly about the โ€œlove triangleโ€ for the past fifteen

minutes, Lily bottles her emotions and finally emerges from Loโ€™s shirt, her cheeks tear-streaked and pink. I have a feeling Lo will be carrying her out of the venue. Most likely in a front piggy-back.

Weโ€™re nearing the last five minutes. I think theyโ€™ll end with a Lo and Lily clip, but as soon as Scott Van Wrightโ€™s face fills every big screen with

the captionโ€”Heartthrob. Roseโ€™s ex-boyfriendโ€”I realize theyโ€™re going to continue to capitalize on the love triangle.

So here we go, Scott. What do you have left for me?

โ€œI think about her all the time,โ€ he says with an insincere, wistful smile. โ€œSheโ€™s a firestorm that I wonโ€™t ever smother. Iโ€™m the one who inflames her, who riles her to a new, confounding degree. Sheโ€™s my perfect match.โ€

My face falls. And I unwillingly let everyone see my shock. I canโ€™t hold it in this time.

Because those last lines are mine. I said them in an interview. And he stole them from me.

โ€œI hate him,โ€ Rose says under her breath, her eyes narrowed. She canโ€™t see my reaction since she stands in front of my body while I hold her from behind.

โ€œWhatโ€™s wrong?โ€ I ask. โ€œHe plagiarized you.โ€

I let out a breath. โ€œComment peux-tu le dire?โ€ย How can you tell?

โ€œWho riles her to a new, confounding degree?โ€ she repeats. โ€œOnly you would say thatโ€ฆand maybe me.โ€

I kiss her cheek and wrap my arms tighter around her waist. She eases back into me. He canโ€™t come between us.

โ€œIโ€™m still in love with her,โ€ Scott says. โ€œAnd I canโ€™t help what I feel, but itโ€™s there. I love Rose the way she deserves to be loved. I justโ€ฆโ€ He shakes his head like heโ€™s filled with worry. โ€œI just donโ€™t see Connor being the best thing for her. Heโ€™s too self-absorbed to care for that girl the way I do. And I hope, over the course of living with her again, sheโ€™ll realize that weโ€™re meant to be.โ€

โ€œMurder is still illegal in Pennsylvania, right?โ€ Rose asks. โ€œAnd the United States, and the world,โ€ I tell her.

โ€œDammit.โ€

And then the screen fills with me.

Back in the study room where I sit on a desk chair: โ€œWhat do you think of Scott?โ€ Savannah asks.

I stay complacent. โ€œI find him comparable to a little teenager jimmying the lock of my house.โ€ I stare right at Scott in the room, whoโ€™s off screen, hovering over Savannahโ€™s shoulder as she films me. I add, โ€œHeโ€™s nothing more than a petty thief, trying to take whatโ€™s mine. Is that honest enough for you?โ€

โ€œAnd what about Rose?โ€

โ€œWhat about Rose?โ€ย This is where I said what Scott just did. I called her my perfect match, but itโ€™s edited out completely.

โ€œDo you love her?โ€ Savannah asks.

The abrupt cut makes me look more callous than I am. More inhuman and unfeeling than I ever want to be.ย I stare off for a long time as I gauge my answer, picking my words carefully. To tell the truth. Or to lie.

โ€œLove is irrelative to some.โ€

Most people let me stop there. They never make me elaborate.

But Savannah says, โ€œAnd is it to you?โ€

I have a couple fingers to my jaw, and I smile, something that looks empty and soulless on screen. โ€œYes,โ€ I say. โ€œLove holds no meaning in my life.โ€

The show fades to black with that last line. In the full-length interview, I added, โ€œBut Rose is at the epicenter of my world, whether I allow myself to love her or not.โ€

It was all cut.

And as the large crowd claps and talks amongst themselves about the show, Lo and Ryke turn on me with dark scowls. Rose grabs another

champagne glass off a tray and leans back into my chest, unaffected by my words like them.

โ€œSo was that the real Connor Cobalt?โ€ Lo asks, his arm around Lily who stares at me with the same furrowed brows. She glances at her sister with

more concern. Theyโ€™re on Roseโ€™s side. As they should be.

โ€œI spoke honestly,โ€ I say. โ€œAnd that wasnโ€™t the first time Iโ€™ve done so.โ€ โ€œSo youโ€™ve never loved anyone?โ€ Lo asks. โ€œNot another girlfriend, not

your mom, your dad or a friend?โ€

He wants to know if I think of him more than just a contact like Patrick Nubell. Am I using Loren Hale for his fatherโ€™s company, the multi-billion dollar baby product franchise? At first, yes. Now, no.

Heโ€™s myย realย friend. Maybe my first one ever.

But have I loved him the way a friend loves another friend? I donโ€™t think Iโ€™m wired that way.

โ€œNo,โ€ I say. โ€œIโ€™ve never loved anyone, Lo. Iโ€™m sorry.โ€

Rose points to Lo, her champagne glass pinched between her fingers. โ€œLet it go, Loren. I have.โ€

โ€œWhy,โ€ Lo asks, โ€œbecause youโ€™re both cold androids?โ€

Rose shoots him a look that would be harsher if she didnโ€™t drink so much tonight. I need to get her to bed before she passes out. โ€œItโ€™s just how he is. If you even understood half of Connor Cobaltโ€™s beliefs, your head would spin.โ€

โ€œRose,โ€ I say, worried sheโ€™s going to fracture my relationship with Loren. While he doesnโ€™t know me like she does, Iโ€™ve never lied to him. I just havenโ€™t shown him all of me. And that shouldnโ€™t be a bad thing. Some people are naturally private. I am.

She tries to defend me, stepping towards Lo and skillfully staying upright. I hold her by the waist to steady her movements. โ€œNo, Connor has

done nothing wrong.โ€

โ€œHe doesnโ€™tย loveย you,โ€ Lo sneers. โ€œHeโ€™s been with you for over a year, Rose.โ€

โ€œLo,โ€ Lily warns.

โ€œNo,โ€ Lo says, โ€œshe needs to fucking hear this.โ€ He points accusingly at me. โ€œWhat the hell kind of guy stays with a girl for that amount of time without anything in return? If heโ€™s doesnโ€™t love you, then heโ€™s just waiting to fuck you.โ€

He pokes at the most vulnerable part of my relationship with Rose. โ€œShe doesnโ€™t need your protection,โ€ I say to Lo, trying to keep my voice even- tempered, but Rose wavers uneasily in my arms. โ€œShe knows who I am.โ€

โ€œSo youโ€™re okay with that then?โ€ Lo asks her. โ€œHeโ€™s going to fuck you, and then heโ€™s going to be out of here. Does that make you feel good, Rose? Youโ€™ve waited twenty-three goddamn years to lose it, and youโ€™re going to give it to a guy who canโ€™t even fucking admit that he loves you.โ€

โ€œIโ€™m not going to admit something that I donโ€™t feel,โ€ I tell him. He

opens his mouth, but I cut him off, โ€œWould you like me to sit you down and fill your head with numbers and facts and relativities? You canโ€™t stomach what I have to say because you wonโ€™t understand it, and I know that hurts you. But thereโ€™s nothing I can do to change the way things are. I am a product of a mother as brick-walled as me, and trust me when I say that you wonโ€™t ever see more than I give you. In order to be my friend, that has to be enough, Lo.โ€

He lets this sink in and then he says, โ€œAnd what about you, Rose, is that enough for you?โ€

Lily reaches out and touches her hand.

Rose nods stiffly, and she holds Lilyโ€™s hand tighter. โ€œIโ€™m going to go to

the bathroom. You guys can meet us at the car.โ€ Lily supports her sister with

an arm around her waist as they head through the dispersing crowds.

I watch her, making sure she safely leaves, and then I glance back at Lo.

The look he gives meโ€”it asphyxiates me for more than a few seconds.

He stares at me like he yanked off my superhero cape and grounded me to the mortal world.

โ€œI just want you to know,โ€ Lo says, โ€œthat I lost some respect for you tonight. And youโ€™re not going to get it back so fucking easily.โ€

Ryke says nothing. He just wears a haunted, dark expression. โ€œSure,โ€ I say. โ€œI understand.โ€

Lo rubs his lips; his jaw clenches, and he nods to Ryke. They head out to the car without me.

I stay still and try to gather my feelings that tangle in a muted mass. What kind of person needs a therapist to tell them how they feel?

Am I not as smart as I believe or am I just human?

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