FOUR MONTHS EARLIER
To: Natalie Farrell From: Kimberly Healey Subject: DS
Do you think she’s a virgin?
To: Kimberly Healey From: Natalie Farrell Subject: Re: DS
Omg obviously! Can you imagine that woman ever having s*x?
To: Natalie Farrell From: Kimberly Healey Subject: Re: DS
You never know…
To: Kimberly Healey From: Natalie Farrell Subject: Re: DS
Literally the only way Dawn has ever had s*x is if she did it with a turtle.
To: Natalie Farrell From: Kimberly Healey Subject: Re: DS
Omg, you are HILARIOUS. Can you just imagine?????
To: Kimberly Healey From: Natalie Farrell Subject: Re: DS
Totally. Can’t you just picture her stroking that hard shell? Talking about how big and green it is, and how s*xy the turtle is because it’s, like, a sea turtle instead of a land turtle.
To: Natalie Farrell From: Kimberly Healey Subject: Re: DS
I dare you to ask her if she’s ever had s*x!
To: Kimberly Healey From: Natalie Farrell Subject: Re: DS
With a turtle or just in general?
To: Natalie Farrell From: Kimberly Healey Subject: Re: DS
ROFL!!!!!
To: Natalie Farrell From: Zelda Morris
Subject: Your terrible product
Natalie,
I’m writing to express my outrage with Vixed and your horrible products. I started taking Collahealth two months ago to get a boost to my energy level and because you stated it would make my skin and hair shinier. Well, this was the start of a nightmare I wish I could wake up from.
Three weeks after starting my daily regimen of Collahealth, I woke up with the room spinning. I managed to make it to the bathroom, but I had to hold onto the wall. Additionally, my fingers and feet were tingling. I thought I had
the flu, and I stupidly continued taking your product, hoping it would help me get over my illness faster.
Unfortunately, the opposite happened. I became dizzy all the time to the point where I couldn’t drive. My hands and feet tingled and burned, which kept me awake at night. And a few days after the symptoms started, my hair started falling out of my scalp in large clumps.
You gave me your card, so I called you to tell you about my symptoms. You assured me that not only was Collahealth not responsible for my symptoms, but it was likely a vitamin deficiency causing the problem and I should DOUBLE my dose. Stupidly, I listened to you.
Over the next several weeks, my symptoms got progressively worse. I couldn’t feel my feet anymore, and I started falling. I needed a cane just to walk around my living room. I have always had excellent vision, but now my eyes became blurry and I started seeing double.
My doctor was initially baffled, but when I showed him a bottle of ingredients, he was horrified. He says your product is responsible for all my symptoms. I haven’t taken it in nearly a month, and I’m still not better. My life is ruined because of Collahealth and the lies you told me about your product. I honestly don’t know how you can sleep at night!
Expect to hear from my lawyer.
Sincerely, Zelda Morris
To: Mia Hodge From: Dawn Schiff
Subject: Re: Greetings
Dear Mia,
This morning, I did something I shouldn’t have done. I answered Natalie’s phone.
This was not a decision I took lightly. Natalie was already in the office by then. I saw her waltz in around 9:15, but then shortly after, she disappeared. At about ten o’clock, her phone rang. Eventually, it went to voicemail. But then it rang again. And again. It was making it hard to focus on my work.
I looked for her first. I really did. I got up and checked up and down the hallway. But when I couldn’t find her, I had no choice. Just so there would be no confusion, I answered the phone: “Natalie Farrell’s desk.”
The woman on the other line started telling me the craziest story ever. She said that Natalie sold her a Vitamin A cream, which was making her skin peel off. Peel off! She said her face was red and looked like it had been burned. Then she started sobbing that she looked like a zombie. She kept saying it over and over. “I look like a zombie! I look like a zombie!” It was terrible.
She wanted to talk to Natalie right away, but I explained she wasn’t available. I took down a message on one of a stack of post-it notes on Natalie’s desk and scribbled down the woman’s phone number, even though I suspect she has already left half a dozen phone messages.
The woman sobbed to me for a few more minutes about her zombie skin, then I finally managed to get her off the phone. My hands were shaking after I hung up. You know how I hate dealing with intense situations like that. I’m not good at customer service. That’s why I became an accountant.
I took the sticky note with the woman’s information on it and started looking for Natalie. I wasn’t surprised when I found her in the break room with Kim, poring over the pages of a bridal magazine while sipping on a cup of coffee. I replaced my beloved turtle mug with a plain white one that I picked up at the drugstore. I wrote my name on the bottom in permanent marker.
Natalie looked up from the pages of the bridal magazine when she saw me. I wonder if Natalie ever uses that vitamin A cream, because her skin is so bright and glowing. She could easily get a job modeling for skin care products. Maybe that’s why she is so good at selling them.
“Dawn!” she said. “I was hoping you would come by.”
In the time since I found out that Natalie was sleeping with Seth, she has not been very nice to me. It’s odd, because you would think she would want to butter me up to ensure my silence. But she doesn’t seem overly concerned that I’ll divulge her secret. Or else she knows that I’m going to keep my mouth shut either way.
She was playing with one of her earrings, and that’s when I noticed the way it sparkled. Diamonds. It had to be fake though. They don’t pay us that much here. “Kim and I were wondering…” Kim nudged her, and Natalie nudged her back. “Are you a virgin, Dawn?”
Kim dissolved into giggles, but Natalie kept a straight face, even as I felt the skin on my cheeks start to burn. The sad part is that this wasn’t the first time someone has asked me that exact question. I mumbled something, and the two of them kept giggling. Finally, Kim smacked Natalie on the arm and said, “Cut it out. You’re so mean.” Natalie just shrugged and said I didn’t have to answer if I didn’t want to.
I know this is something you and I haven’t talked about in a while. I didn’t want to make you feel guilty for being so happy with George, and I genuinely think the two of you will spend the rest of your lives together. But I’m never, ever going to have that kind of relationship. The truth is, yes, I’m a virgin. I still haven’t even ever had a boyfriend. I’ve never even been on a date that wasn’t sprung on me by my mother without my knowledge or consent. And none of those have led to second dates.
The truth is, I haven’t even kissed a boy.
The closest I came was that game of spin the bottle in fifth grade at that horrible birthday party we went to at Jenny Horan’s house. I had been so surprised and pleased when
Jenny invited us—you were the one who figured out it was because her mother had forced her to invite the entire class. You refused to participate when the group of kids in Jenny’s basement gathered in a circle to play the game—I should have done the same.
And then when Ned O’Keefe spun the bottle in my direction, I saw the look of disgust on his face. Before he could protest that he didn’t want to kiss me, I ran away and hid in the closet for the rest of the party. I refused to come out, even when you knocked on the door and begged me. I stayed in the closet until my mother arrived to pick me up.
Finally, Kim said to leave me alone, that I wasn’t interested in stuff like that. I was desperate to change the subject by then, so I told Natalie about the phone message. I handed her the sticky note, and when she saw it, she rolled her eyes and crumbled it up. I tried to explain about the zombie skin, but Natalie just shook her head.
“She’s just overreacting,” she told me. “This woman is crazy. The only people who use these products are nut jobs.”
I was surprised to hear her say that, because I assumed she must use the products herself. But when I asked her about her use of Vixed products, she and Kim burst out laughing simultaneously. I didn’t know what that meant exactly. I wasn’t making a joke.
Then Natalie got up and told Kim something about page sixteen in the magazine and how the dress would be perfect for her. I thought that was the end of our interaction, but then she turned to look at me. I don’t know what it is about her, but whenever she pays me attention, it always makes me feel special. I crave it.
“Dawn,” Natalie said, “don’t answer my phone again. Ever.
Got it?”
That wasn’t what I expected her to say. This was yet another moment in my life when I desperately wished I had a shell that I could vanish into. Turtles have it so good. Even though I love them, there are times I feel jealous of them. But of course, I told her I wouldn’t touch her phone again. Ever.
Natalie brushed past me out of the break room, leaving behind the faint flowery scent of her perfume. Despite everything, I still love her perfume. I wonder if I could find a bottle of it. Do you think if I started wearing the same scent, she might like me better?
Sincerely, Dawn Schiff
To: Dawn Schiff From: Mia Hodge
Subject: Re: Greetings
OMG do NOT buy perfume to impress that woman! She is NOT worth your time! Stay away from her! I repeat: stay far away from Natalie!
Also, I’m sad that you felt you couldn’t tell me your feelings about your love life. Dawn, you are a wonderful person. I am 100% sure that someday there is going to be a man who will understand how completely amazing and intelligent and beautiful you are. And every day, he is going to thank his lucky stars just for being with you. I promise you, you will find someone who feels that way. I hope you believe me.
XXO
Mia
