โDinner is a combination of roasted marshmallows and chicken kebabs and creamy potato salad.โ
It looks so good that even though I donโt really have an appetite, I join my class around the campfire, stacking my paper plate with as much food as it can physically carry. Then I drape my cardigan over the log and sit down on it, inhaling the sweet smoke and the scent of the lake nearby, content to chew and stretch my legs out and lick the melted sugar off my fork.
The teachers are meant to eat with us outside too, but Ms. Hedge is the only one of the three who appears. Sheโs barely sat down when her face pinches, her skin turning a concerning shade of green, and she dashes off in the direction of the cabins, a hand covering her mouth.
โWhatโs up with her?โ Ray asks.
โMustโve been the raw salmon from earlier,โ Georgina says, with the firm authority of someone whoโs suffered through food poisoning multiple times in the past. โOn my way out, the other teachers looked like they were dying too.โ
Sympathetic murmurs travel around the tight circle, but nobody makes a move to check up on the teachers. Instead everybody relaxes in the absence of any adult authorities. The air seems to lighten, the conversations around me rising in volume, whispered jokes and muffled giggles turning into full- body laughter. It feels less like a school retreat and more like a massive partyโexcept, unlike the one at my house, I can almost bring myself to enjoy it. To eat the melted marshmallows and watch the sun start to slide its way down the horizon, lending a pink glow to the sky.
โYou know what the moment calls for?โ Rosie speaks up.
โSpin the bottle?โ Ray says instantly.
I drop my fork.ย No. Absolutely not.ย I think Iโll die if I have to kiss Julius again, and Iโll die if I see him kiss someone else. โHow about scary stories,โ I suggest, with perhaps more fake enthusiasm than Iโve ever summoned in my life.
To be honest, I expect Rosie to shoot down my idea right away and call it childish, but she considers it for a second, then nods. โSure,โ she says, crossing her ankles elegantly, as if the log is a throne. โDo you have one?โ
โOh . . . I guess.โ I straighten, trying to make something up on the spot. โOkay, okay, hereโs one: Once there was a girl called . . . um, Skye. She was very smart and very organized. She had a habit of keeping all her homework notes and certificates and important files in a special compartment inside her locker. Then one day . . . she discovered that her locker was empty.โ
This is meant to elicit gasps of shock and horror, but all I get are blank, perplexed stares.
โSorry, is that meant to be scary?โ someone asks at last.
โHer certificates areย missing,โ I emphasize, frowning. โHer records of achievement areย gone. She may have to redoย all her homework.โ
โOkay, do we have any non-homework-related stories?โ someone else asks.
โI have a ghost story,โ Julius offers, and all heads swivel to him. He
lowers his voice so itโs just barely audible over the dry hiss and crackle of the campfire. โAย realย ghost story. Actually, itโs set right in the woods, not too far from here.โ
โSure it is,โ I mutter.
But everyoneโs already listening closely, hanging on to his every word. โThere used to be a house in these woods,โ he begins, soaking in the
attention. โA young couple and their two children: a boy named Jack, and a girl named Scarlett. The boy was healthy and always happy; everyone who saw him adored him. But Scarlett was born . . .ย strange.โ He drags out the word in a whisper. โAs a baby, her father claimed that her eyes would flash
red. It was quick, so quick it couldโve been confused for the light, but it happened too many times for it to be a coincidence. He even took her to the doctor once, wondering if it was some kind of rare disease, and the doctor said there was nothing wrong. Nothing that they could find anyway.โ
On the other end of the circle, one of the girls shivers and wraps the wool blanket tighter around her shoulders.
โThere were other things too,โ Julius continues. โLike she would be running, and her shadow would disappear. Or she would throw a tantrum, and within an hour, a bird would drop dead outside their yard. Or she would get into a fight with her little brother, and heโd wake up in the middle of the night claiming someone was choking him. Over time, her parents started to suspect that she was cursed. Perhaps a demon incarnate, or a monster.โ
Itโs a silly story. Typical. Certainly no better thanย mine, which is rooted in realism. But in the falling darkness, by the crimson light of the fire, I canโt help the pinch of fear in my gut.
Julius catches my eye across the circle, and one side of his mouth lifts, as if he can read my mind. โOn Scarlettโs thirteenth birthday, there was a sudden, terrible storm. It was as if the sea was falling from the sky. The
whole house was flooded. The parents didnโt even have time to pack; they just grabbed what they could and fled into the night. But whether by accident or not, they forgot about Scarlett. When they came back, almost everything was destroyed. The wood was rotted through, the furniture in pieces, the windows shattered. They looked around, and they couldnโt find any sign of Scarlett. There was no body. Not even any of her old clothes or toys. It was as though sheโd never existed.โ
He pauses for dramatic effect. In the same instance, a heavy wind picks up, blowing through the trees, and more than a few people startle and
glance around them. The sky is no longer rose pink but graying, clouds forming in the near distance.
โThey were rather attached to the woods, so they rebuilt their house in the exact same place,โ Julius says. โBut every time it rained again, they could hear . . . crying. It sounded like a child. Like Scarlett. They tried to
follow it, but it seemed to be coming fromย withinย the house, within the very walls. A year later, there came another storm. Much tamer than the first.
Almost everyone survived it; the water levels didnโt even rise above the knee. Except Scarlettโs family was found drowned in the living room the next morning, all of them lying facedown.โ
โAnd then?โ someone whispers.
โThatโs it,โ he says smoothly. โThey all died.โ Heavy silence follows in the wake of his words.
Then, somewhere in the distance a door slams, and Ray lets out such a high-pitched shriek I briefly wonder if a chicken has broken loose.
But the spell is broken. Everyoneโs too busy laughing at Ray to linger on the details.
As the campfire burns on, people split off into private conversations, friends huddling together on the log. Iโm cleaning my plate when I feel a weight lower itself next to me.
Rosie.
I instantly stiffen.
โChill, Sadie, Iโm not here to bite your head off,โ she says, seeing my reaction. Sheโs smiling, which is very alarming. โI just wanted to chat.โ
โAbout what?โ I ask.
โIโve been thinking about the email you sent me, and you know what? I was really,ย reallyย pissed off.โ She brushes her hair over her shoulder. โHonestly, when I first read it, I was ready to slap someone.โ
I shift back, out of slapping distance.
โBut I kind of deserved it. Iย didย copy your science project.โ She exhales. โI didnโt plan to. I donโt know what I was thinking. Or, well, I guess . . .
Everyone knows Iโm gorgeous, right? Sometimes when Iโm walking past a mirror, I have to stop for a few seconds because I canโt believe how stunning I am. Like, damn.โ
I officially have no idea where this conversation is going.
โIโm proud of it,โ she adds. โIt takes a lot of work to look this good all the time. But I was just . . . curious. What itโs like to get great grades and
have people compliment you for your intelligence. To be you.โ
This is perhaps the most bizarre statement Iโve ever heard. Even more shocking than Abigailโs prediction about Rosie devoting the rest of her life to being a nun.
โI was planning to apologize,โ she goes on, crossing her legs. โExcept I feel like weโd only be going in circles with our apologies. Iโm sorry I copied your project; youโre sorry you wrote that email. Iโm sorry I proceeded to snap at you in front of the year level. So I guess what Iโm really trying to say isโthank you. For being understanding, and for all your help in general.โ She lets out a little laugh. โFunnily enough, it wasnโt until I made it a point to ignore you that I realized how often I turned to you for notes and stuff. You didnโt have to do that, but you did.โ
It takes me a minute to remember how to speak. โUm. Youโreโ welcome?โ
She laughs again. โSo weโre good?โ
โYeah. Yes. Very good,โ I say, still stunned.
โIโll miss you when we graduate, you know,โ she adds. โI canโt believe this will all be over soon.โ
โYeah,โ I repeat softly, gazing around the campfire, at all the familiar, laughing faces. โI canโt believe it either.โ
โข โข โข
โShe actually said that?โ
โI know,โ I tell Abigail that evening, plopping down on the bed. Weโre lucky enough to have been assigned one of the smaller cabin rooms, made for only two people. Some of the girls have to share with three or four others. โI was so certain that she would never forgive me for the emails, that sheโd spend the rest of her life hating me. That the damage would be irreversible. Iโve literally been sick to my stomach for weeks,ย months, thinking about it, and now . . . Thank god.โ I release a laugh, shaking my head.
She turns back to me from the dresser, a strange little smile on her lips. โWere the emails . . . that bad? I mean, did it . . . affect you so much?โ
โThat bad?โย I snort. โThey were catastrophic.โ
โRight.โ Her smile wobbles. โI didnโt realizeโ I knew you were embarrassed, obviously, but you never talked that much about it.โ
Itโs true, I guess. I havenโtย reallyย talked about it with anyone. Not my mom, because I donโt want her to worry. Not Max, because I donโt think heโd understand. And not Abigail, because I donโt want her pity. But maybe itโs also habit by this point. The summer when I was eleven, we had flown to China for a large family gathering, and as everyone was trading stories and laughing and clinking drinks in the crimson glow of the restaurant, a fish bone had gotten lodged in my throat. Instead of making a big deal out of it and trying to cough it out in front of thirty-six people I was directly or indirectly related to, Iโd chosen to swallow it inward, to quietly absorb the pain as the bone scraped its way down while I sat there and smiled. Nobody could have guessed that something was wrong.
It was only years later, when the event had long passed, that I had even thought to bring it up with my mother as a joke. She was horrified.ย You could have choked to death, sheโd scolded me.ย You shouldโve said something.
But you were chatting with laolao, Iโd replied.ย I was afraid of bothering you.
She had been silent for a long time. When she finally breathed out, her eyes were so sad and heavy Iโd regretted bringing it up in the first place.
Why are you this way?ย she kept asking, until I didnโt know if she was directing the question at me or herself.ย Since when did you become this way?
โSadie,โ Abigail says, yanking me back to the cabin, to the present. โThereโs something . . . something Iโve been keeping to myself. I didnโt mean to, I swearโI know I shouldโve said it way earlier, but . . .โ
I stiffen, my pulse accelerating immediately. โWhatโs wrong?โ
She wrings her hands. Steps forward, then stops a few feet away from me. Abigail Ong is never nervous, not before delivering a class presentation, not before a date, not before any major test. Except sheโs
nervous right now, her eyes flicking to the dark clouds rolling in beyond the window, then back to me. โThe emails,โ she says. Thatโs all she says at first.
I blink at her, not understanding. โI sent them.โ
I donโt process the words. Thereโs a faint ringing in my ears, all sound distorted, muted. I feel like Iโm falling away from my own body, like those scenes in the movies where the camera zooms out and out from the person to the sky above them.
โNot on purpose,โ she says, speaking in a rush, like sheโs scared Iโm not going to give her the chance to continue. โNot all of them. I was justโI was reading the draft you wrote to Julius, and I knew that heโd been bothering you for ages, and in that moment I thought . . . I donโt know, I was tired of seeing people walk all over you. It was only one email; it was onlyย supposedย to be one email. But then you had, like, hundreds of tabs open, and your laptop was lagging, and when I hit send, nothing happened, so I kind of justโI kept clicking and trying to send it, and then suddenlyย all
your drafts were being sent out, and I couldnโt undo it . . .โ
Iโm frozen in place, rooted in my shock. โWait,โ I croak out. Squeeze my temples. โYou sent the email?ย When?ย No, hang on . . .โ
Itโs all coming back to me, the details sharpened, everything different under a new light. When Iโd rushed outside the classroom and come back to find my laptop moved. โOh my god,โ I say. Part of me still refuses to
believe it. Waits for her to tell me sheโs joking, sheโs making it up.
โI shouldnโt have gone behind your back,โ she whispers, her face pale. โI know. Iโm sorryโIโm so sorry. I take full responsibility. IโllโIโll write an explanation to every single person who received an email from you. Iโll do anything. Just . . . please donโt be mad at me.โ
โI donโt get it,โ I say slowly, even as my heart pounds at breakneck speed, each thud painful. โWhy didnโt you say anything earlier?โ
โI tried to, I swear.โ She holds up a hand as if making an oath. โBut
There never seemed to be a good time, and I truly believed I was making the right choice in the long run. My whole life, Iโve thought I knew what was best, but after everything that happened with Liam, it hit me that maybe my instincts arenโt as reliable as I once believed. She pauses, swallowing hard, her gaze fixed on the floor.
Even amidst my shock and anger, a wave of sympathy tugs at me from deep within.
โPlus, for a while there,โ she continues, โit seemed like everything would sort itself out. People started treating you differently, pushing you around less. And you and Julius had gotten closerโโ
The sound of his name strikes me like a whip. โHeโs exactly why those emails should never have been sent.โ
Iโm trembling now, as if some invisible force is shaking me from within, wrenching my bones and nerves out of alignment. My teeth chatter, my fingers shake. Everything feels so unnatural that I donโt know whether to stand, sit, storm out, or scream until my throat is raw. Abigail and I never fight; sheโs too laid-back, and Iโm too afraid of confrontation. The most heated argument weโve ever had was over whether potatoes should count as vegetables.
โIf heโd never read those emails, we wouldnโt have been forced to do all those ridiculous tasks together, I wouldnโt have thrown that party, and I wouldnโt have had the chance to like him. And now I do, god help me, and itโit really feels likeโโ I struggle to find the right words, the most articulate way to convey the ache in my chest. โIt feels like crap.โ
โOkay, whoa.โ For a second, Abigail seems to forget weโre fighting. Her mouth falls wide open. โI thought you had, like, a firm noโswearing policy
โโ
โItโs horrible,โ I continue furiously. โItโs revolting how much I care about him. Even now. I shouldnโt want this. I shouldnโt want him.โ
Her jaw drops farther, her gaze catching on something behind me. โUm, Sadieโโ
But Iโm too angry to stop. โOut of all the people in this school, it
somehowย hasย to be the one person who called me up just to taunt me when I had a fever and missed out on practiceโโ
โSadie,โ Abigail says again, louder.
โItโs like Iโve been poisoned,โ I go on, my palms itching. โItโs like a sickness, and somehow, the cause and cure of it is him. I hate it so much, but I canโt even control my own brainโโ
โSadie.โ
I freeze. Because this time, itโs not coming from Abigail. Itโs a low, male voice, coming from behind me.
My whole life seems to disintegrate before my eyes as I turn around on my heel, and Iโm praying itโs not him, it canโt be him,ย pleaseย let it be anybody but Juliusโ
โSorry to interrupt,โ he says. Heโs holding out my cardigan in the doorway, and I canโt read any of the emotions on his face as he stares at me. โYou left this behind at the campfire . . .โ
Itโs somewhat difficult to hear him over the sound of my dignity splintering into a thousand pieces. I consider dismissing the whole thing as a joke, or maybe a reenactment from a very dramatic play about modern feminism, but I can tell from his expression, from the terrible, sweltering
silence in the room, that the damage has already been done.
Thereโs no taking it back now.
โThank you,โ I manage to say, which is a miracle in and of itself. I keep my eyes averted as I grab the cardigan from him, my skin searing hot.
โNot at all,โ he says with equal politeness.
This is probably the most polite weโve ever been around each other. And thenโnobody speaks.
Iโm staring at a fissure in the wall, and in my peripheral vision, Abigail is staring at the clouds outside the window, and Julius is still staring at the side of my face. Itโs excruciating.
โWell, thanks a lot for visiting,โ I tell the spot under Juliusโs shoes when I canโt stand it anymore. โThis has been very fun. If that was all, please feel free to go wheneverโโ
โNo,โ he says quickly.
My head jerks up against my will. This is what I mean about the sickness, because only somebody who is utterly unwell would hear that one word and wonder:ย No, what? No, thereโs more? No, he doesnโt wish to
leave? No, he doesnโt like me?
But before he can elaborate, a deafening clap of thunder startles all of us, so loud it makes the floor tremble. I glance outside just in time to watch the skies split open, water pouring down to flood the earth. Itโs almost breathtaking to witness the rain come in, the droplets shattering the lakeโs
surface like hundreds of tiny knives. Within seconds, the pavement has darkened to black, the wild grass submerged under rapidly growing puddles.
Then, from inside a cabin, someone starts yelling.