Whimpering, really. Heโs standing in the middle of the hall in his polka- dot pajamas and clutching his arm, and he looks so alarmed, so horrified, that my first reaction is to search for blood. His clothes are damp and plastered to his skin, but thereโs no trace of red. Itโs only water.
โThe roof is leaking,โย he gasps. โI was doing my skincare routine and I felt a splash of freezing water on myย arm.โ
โSince when did you have a skincare routine?โ Jonathan Sok grumbles behind me.
Unsurprisingly, his screams have drawn everyone out of their rooms; one quick glance around and itโs clear half my classmates are in their
pajamas too. Georgina even appears to have come running straight out of the shower. There are still shampoo bubbles in her hair.
Ray narrows his eyes. โWhatโs wrong with it? Youโre just jealous you donโt have beautiful, shiny skin like me.โ
โHey,โ Jonathan protests. โMy skin is already very shinyโโ โYeah, wellโโ
But Rayโs voice is drowned out by the violent rush of rain outside.
Within seconds, water starts trickling through the ceiling and pooling over the floors.
โSee?โย Ray yelps, lurching back. โItโs everywhere.โ
โOh perfect! Itโs exactly what I need.โ Georgina steps forward until her shampooed hair is positioned right underneath one of the leaks. โThis is what you call being resourceful.โ
I have to admire her outlook on life. โWhat do we do?โ someone asks.
More voices chime in, all of them speaking over one another, over the pouring rain:
โMy clothes are going to be wet. This blazer is dry-clean onlyโโ โThe waterโs freezingโโ
โI canโt sleep like thisโโ
โSomeone take me homeย right nowโโ
โWhere are the teachers when you need them?โ โI heard they all have food poisoningโโ
โThis is exactly how all horror movies startโโ
Thereโs an ache building in the back of my skull. I want to join them. I want to yell and complain and wait for someone else to clean up the mess. But the water is spreading rapidly, and I know the rot will set in if we donโt do something fast. There was a storm just like this a few years ago, and our bakery barely survived it.
I force myself to clench my fingers and unfurl them again. Deep breaths.
One. Two. Three.
โSomeone go get Dave,โ I speak up, my voice ringing out in the room.
Everyone falls quiet. โDoes anyone know where he is?โ
โI, uh, think heโs asleep,โ someone offers. โPretty sure I heard him snoring on my way over here.โ
โGo wake him up,โ I instruct. โThere should be mops in the cleaning cabinet, but only heโll have the keys. In the meantime, everyone go grab buckets or containers from the kitchen or anything you can find to collect the waterโโ
An audible snort cuts through my sentence.
I swivel around and my stomach turns. Danny is hovering in the back corner, his arms crossed over his chest. I can see those awful words again, as if written in burning red:ย Sadie Wen is a bitch.ย โSeriously?โ he asks. โEven when we leave the school, youโre bossing us around?โ
Ice crawls through my veins. โIโm notโโ
โWhat, just because youโre the captain? Or because youโre a good student or whatever?โ He rolls his eyes. โYou think youโreย soย important, but honestly, weโre all sick of you, Sadie. We donโt have to do anything you say.โ
I can hear my heart pounding, detonating inside my chest. I wouldnโt be surprised if everyone in this room could hear it too.
โThis really,ย reallyย isnโt the time,โ I manage. โI know you hate me, and thatโs fine, but the cabin is literally leaking as we speakโโ
โDonโt change the topic.โ
โYouโre the one changing the topic,โ I say, incredulous. โIโm just saying that thereโs a much more pressing issue at hand. If you have a solution, Iโm always happy to hear it, but if not, you could at least cooperateโโ
โStop acting like youโre better than us,โ Danny snaps. โYouโre the type to write shady emails about people behind their backs.โ
โAnd youโre the type to writeย Sadie Wen is a bitchย on a bike shed,โ I shoot back.
Thereโs a collective, sharp inhalation from the crowd. โDamn,โ somebody mutters.
I canโt even believe the words coming out of my own mouth, but it feels good. Iโm so tired of playing nice, of smiling as people walk over me. What Iโm realizing is that if youโre quiet about the things that hurt you, people are only going to mistake your tolerance for permission. And theyโre going to hurt you again and again. โYeah, I know it was you,โ I say coldly, folding my arms across my chest.
Danny stares at me. โYou know? Soย youย were the one who sent Julius to punch me?โ
The whole room screeches to a stop. The world freezes on its axis. Now itโs my turn to stare. โJulius punched you?โ
โJulius punched him?โ someone else whispers in the background. โBut I thought he and Sadie hated each other.โ
โBut they kissed each other,โ someone says. โAt that party, remember?โ
โWait, Julius and Sadieย kissed each other?โ someone asks. โWhy am I so behind on the gossip? How did I miss this?โ
โYeah, well, seeing as she sent him a bunch of emailsโโ โTechnically, Abigail sent it.โ
โAbigail sent it? Sadieโs best friend, Abigail?โ
โSorry, I was walking past their dorm room and kind of overheard a bit of their conversationโI left just as Julius showed up to her room though. So Iโm guessing he likes her.โ
โWhose room?โ โAbigailโs room.โ
โWait, Julius likes Abigail?โ
โNo, Julius likes Sadie. They just share the same room.โ โHim and Sadie?โ
โNoโย Oh my god, this is why youโre so behind on gossip.โ
Iโm breathing against the knot in my chest and scanning the room, but I canโt find Julius anywhere. I have no idea where he is or what this means or why Iโm doing exactly what Iโd accused Danny of doing earlier: forgetting the issue at hand. Itโs so bizarre how our brains work, how our priorities are organized by emotions instead of actual significance. This cabin could be
flooded soon and still weโd be standing around gossiping, too fixated on our own petty grievances and grudges and crushes to notice the sky falling.
โJust. Stop,โ I say to nobody in particular. โStop.ย If you disagree with me, I canโt force you to do much. But if you do agree, then please, listen to me.โ
I donโt expect anything.
For a long time, it seems that Iโm right not to. Nothing happens.
Nobody moves.
But then Rosie nods and flashes me her best smile. โOkay, I got you. Buckets coming right up.โ Itโs like magic. For the first time, I think I truly understand the termย influencer. Because with a few simple words,
everybody has been influenced. Her friends leap into action right away, and someone whips out tape to stop the smaller leaks. The water has already
progressed through most of the room, but we manage to stop it from flowing into the corridor.
Just when I think the worst of it is over, the bulb above me suddenly flickers. Thereโs a loud buzzing sound, like an insect caught in a trap.
And the power goes out.
โข โข โข
The corridor is pitch-black.
I fumble my way alone through the darkness, away from the others, feeling the hard, cool plaster of the walls for support. Outside, the rain is pounding harder than ever. Water slams against the roof and churns through the old pipes. The wind shrieks through the trees, and it sounds eerily like
the wail of a child.
The bare skin on my arms turns into gooseflesh. Iโm sharply aware of every hiss through the cracks in the window, every tremble in the floorboards. I swallow, rub my hands together to warm them, but the wind picks up again, louder. The back of my neck prickles.
Stop it, I command myself, cursing Julius for telling that horrible story.
Itโs completely made up. He just enjoys scaring people.
I take another careful step forwardโ And a cold hand wraps around my wrist.
I let out a hoarse shriek. All rational thought abandons me. My fightโorโflight instincts kick in, and because thereโs nowhere to run, I can only fight. I jerk back, squirm and punch and kick out like a wild, cornered animal.ย Oh my god, I think hysterically as my fist connects with something hard.ย Iโm about to be murdered by a ghost girl in a cabin in the middle of
nowhere. The school isnโt even going to take responsibility because they made us sign that formโ
โSadie. Stop itโow, stopโโ
It doesnโt sound like a vengeance-seeking ghost girl. The familiar voice registers a beat too late.ย Julius.ย My body doesnโt understand even though
my mind does; Iโm still thrashing, swinging my fists around. Then the long fingers around my wrist tighten. He grabs my other wrist. Locks both of them together with one hand, pins them to the wall behind me, high above my head.
โHold. Still.โ
I go still, but my heart continues hammering so hard I can hear the blood rushing through my veins. For more reasons than one. Because soon my eyes have adjusted enough to make out Juliusโs face, bare inches from mine. Heโs breathing hard, the muscles in his arms tensed from holding me in place. One step closer and our lips would touch.
Everything floods through my brain at once. The look on his face when he stood in my doorway. The idea that heโd punched Danny for me. The fact that he heard me state very clearly that I like him so much it feels like a sicknessโ
Shut up, I tell my brain.
โWhy did you have to sneak up on me?โ I donโt know why Iโm whispering. โI thought you were Scarโโ I stop myself, but heโs already heard.
โScarlett?โ His smile is sharp in the darkness, like the gleam of a knife. โIโm flattered you found my storytelling skills so convincing. If youโre afraid, you can tell me.โ
โIโm not.โ I am. Scared breathless. Terrified. But I can hardly admit that itโs him Iโm scared of now. Being alone with him. Being in this position. I try to wriggle free, but his grip doesnโt loosen.
โPromise me you wonโt hit me again,โ he says. โJuliusโoh my god, just let meโโ
โPromise,โ he insists, his voice pressed close to my ear, the heat of his breath fanning my skin. Goose bumps spread over my body.
I manage a nod, and he releases me at once but doesnโt step back. โI wanted to talk to you,โ he says.
My pulse skips.ย Hope.ย Foolish, irrational hope takes root inside me. But I wipe my voice clean of it, because there are countless directions this
conversation could go. He could be here to talk to me about the math test next week. About weather patterns. About how pretty Rosie is. About how theyโve run out of buckets. If itโs not what I so desperately want it to be, at
least I can save myself the embarrassment of anticipating anything. โWhy?โ He huffs out a laugh. โYouโre too smart to act this slow. You know why.
We both do.โ
โWhat, are you going to accuse me of pitying you? Of being too nice?โ I ask. Itโs a challenge. This is what we do, I realize. We talk in circles. We give each other riddles, confounding clues, half answers. Everything and anything but the truth.
โNoโ No, Iโm sorry for that,โ he says quickly. Swallows. Heโs never sounded so nervous, so unsure of himself, and I find my anger bleeding out of me. โI didnโt mean to say those things. I shouldnโt have assumed . . .
There were only two possible explanations for why you were acting the way you were, and the other seemed too unlikely. And I wasโscared.โ
โScared?โ The last of my frustration vanishes like smoke in a breeze. Itโs almost funny; nobody else infuriates me like he does, but nobody else makes it this difficult to stay mad. โOf what?โ
โLosing,โ he whispers. I stare.
โYou have to understand . . . If you knew the effect you had on me, how often I think about you, the things I would do for you . . . I wouldnโt stand a chance against you ever again. You would have taken everything from me,โ he goes on in a rush, like the words are burning him from within, like he
has to get it out before the pain becomes overwhelming. โNot just a debating championship or some points for a test or a fancy award or a spot in a competitionโbut my whole heart. My pride. God, myย sanity. It would be all over. You would annihilate me.โ
I keep staring. Iโm afraid to so much as blink, to breathe, afraid itโll shatter whatever wild fantasy or lucid dream this is. He canโt possibly be saying these things to me.ย Aboutย me.
โI mean, nothing has even really happened between us,โ he says hoarsely, โand already itโs hard for me to concentrate whenever youโre around. My brother was right, in a sense, about you being a distraction, except youโre so much more than that. I canโt pretend to care about the
things that once interested me. I canโt fall asleep. I play through every look youโve ever cast in my direction. I read through your emails over and over until theyโre carved into my memory. You did this to me,โ he says, and thereโs a rough, bitter edge to his voice now, nearly an accusation.
My knees buckle. Itโs too much to absorb. I feel myself slide down against the wall, sink onto the floor.
โYou had to write those awful emails,โ he continues, lowering himself down next to me. Except heโs kneeling, and heโs still too close. Iโm convinced he can hear my heart thrumming. โYou had to kiss me, then kick me, then fill my head with your voice. You made it clearโso terribly clear
โhow much you hate me. That Iโm the last person in the world you would ever consider. But I kept looking for signs that would suggest otherwise. I kept wondering if it was still possible. Because Iโm willing to lose
everything,โ he says, his eyes blacker than the surrounding darkness, than the sky outside, โso long as I donโt lose you.โ
Iโm stunned.
It canโt be a fantasyโIโm certain of that now. My own imagination couldnโt conjure something like this.
โOf course, if you . . . if you donโt want to,โ he says into the silence, sliding his gaze away from me, โI can accept that. I wonโt bring it up again. I know Iโm not . . . I know what Iโm like. That Iโm infuriating. And selfish. And cruel. I know Iโm not perfect the way my brother is, and I manage to disappoint my parents every time. Itโs okay if you donโt choose me, reallyโ I never expected to be the first choice. I wouldnโt blame youโโ
โI do choose you.โ
He doesnโt seem to hear me at first. Heโs still talking, rambling really, the words flowing out like rainwater. โI canโt always say pretty things, and sometimes I tease you when really I just want you to look my way, andโ
Wait.โ He stops. Even his breath freezes in his throat. โWhat . . . did you just say? Say it again.โ
โI choose you,โ I say quietly, glad for the shadows concealing my flushed cheeks. For the support of the wall behind me. โYouโll always be my first choice, Julius Gong.โ
โReally?โ
โReally.โ
His eyes widen, and he leans in, lips parted, his fingers trembling like moth wings over my cheeks. Itโs clear what he wants, and I almost let him. But Iโm not going to make itย thatย easy.
I twist my head away. โI recall you saying you would rather die than kiss me again.โ
He lets out a soft, half-stifled groan, and the sound shoots straight through my bloodstream. Makes my pulse quicken. โGod, you really know how to hold a grudge.โ
โTheyโre your words, not mine,โ I tell him, refusing to sway.
โYouโre killing me now,โ he murmurs against my neck. His lips graze my skin, and his other hand slides up, tangles in my hair, his nails lightly scraping my scalp. Despite myself, I feel my resolve buckle. โIsnโt that
enough?โ
โNo.โ I try to ignore it. The heat in my veins. The crisp scent of him, peppermint and rain. For once I have all the power, and Iโd be a fool to let it go without putting up a good fightโno matter how badly I want him to just kiss me.
โFine, then.โ His breath warms the shell of my ear. Tickles my cheek. โPlease.โ
I can feel my heart pounding. โWhat?โ โPlease, Sadie. Iโm begging.โ
A triumphant grin splits over my face. โAll right. I suppose, in that case
โโ
He doesnโt even give me a chance to finish my sentence. His mouth is
on mine in an instant, desperate, urgent. And I cave in. I hate surrendering,
but maybe itโs different when youโre both surrendering to the same thing,
because this doesnโt feel awful. The opposite, actually. My brain is buzzing, but all my thoughts are floating, nonsensical fragments as he deepens the kiss, wraps a hand around my waist, forces me farther back until my spine
is pressed flat to the wall. Thoughts like:
If you told me this would happen a year ago, my head would explodeโ I swear to god if anybody hears usโ
Maybe the emails werenโt such a disaster after allโ His lips are so softโ
His handsโ Juliusโ Julius.
โJulius,โ I gasp.
I feel him smile against my lips. His voice is raw silk. โYes?โ โNโnothing. I justโโ Itโs hard to focus. I squeeze my eyes shut. โIt just
doesnโt feel real.โ
He shifts back, and the sudden absence almost feels like physical painโ until he kisses the curve of my neck. Murmurs, โI know. Even when I was imagining itโโ
โYou imagined this?โ
He pauses, which feels like unfair punishment. Then he brings his lips firmly up to mine again. โDo you always pay such close attention to everything people say?โ he demands between short, uneven breaths.
โNo. Only what you say.โ
A sharp intake of air. โYou have to stop doing that, Sadie.โ His hand tightens around my waist. โI wonโt survive it.โ
Iโm not sure how Iโll surviveย this, this overwhelming jumble of sensation, the want blazing through my body like wildfire, the need for more overriding all impulse controlโ
He kisses me harder, and I can barely get out my next words. โWaitโ Julius, waitโโ
With what seems like immense difficulty, he pulls away by just an inch, his eyes black and heavy lidded. He looks nearly intoxicated, delirious. I touch the base of his neck, feel the pulse striking his veins. The way it picks up beneath my fingertips. โWhat is it?โ
โWhat if weโre bad at this?โ I ask in a small voice.
In response, he only moves close to me, wonderfully, terrifyingly close, his mouth traveling over my jaw, and everything is spinning, spinning out of control, my heartbeat racing ahead of me. I almost forget how to speak. How to breathe. โDoes this feel bad to you?โ
โNo, I donโt meanโโ I tilt my head back without thinking. โI mean, you and me.ย Weโve hated each other for ten years, made each otherโs lives difficultโhow do you knowโโ I will myself to stay focused as he brushes a thumb over my lower lip. โWhat if weโre bad atโliking each other? What if we donโt know how to beโcivilโor niceโโ
โIโm not planning on being particularly nice,โ he whispers. โAnd I donโt expect you to be either.โ
โButโโ
โItโsย us, Sadie,โ he says, like thatโs answer enough. โWhen have we been bad at anything?โ
He has a point. A very good one. And in either case, I donโt have the strength to argue any further, because heโs kissing me again, and itโs everything. Itโs so satisfyingly perfect. Itโs as if Iโve been suffocating in
silence for days, months, years, and now I can finally inhale. Nothing has ever made as much sense as his hands on my waist, his heart hammering against my rib cage, the involuntary sound he makes when I adjust my posture, slide my hand farther down his neck to the hollow of his collarbones. He says my name, whispers it like itโs sacred. And just when Iโm wondering how we could ever stop this, how I could ever do anything except listen to his sharp intakes of breath, let him kiss me until my head goes fuzzyโ
The lights come back on.
I blink, half-blinded, and jerk away from him. It takes a second before my eyes stop watering and my vision clears. An immediate flush races up my neck when I see Julius. His lips are swollen, his black hair rumpled from where I ran my fingers through it.
It feels like that surreal moment in the cinemas, when the credits start rolling and the doors open and the strangers around you rise from their seats, gathering their popcorn buckets and switching on their phones. And part of you is still reeling, still immersed in another world, your heart caught in your throat, struggling to tell which part is real life.
Then I find Julius watching me nervously. Like heโs waiting for me to tell him. To take it all back, now that the cover of darkness is gone and I can see him clearly for the first time.
My heart throbs.
I want him to know he looks more beautiful than ever in the light, up close. I want to kiss him again, until all his doubts dissipate to nothing. I want to take away everything thatโs ever hurt him. But for now, I simply
smile at him. Hold out my hand. โCome on. Letโs see how bad the damage is.โ