Tonight is our first big storm.
We’ve been lucky so far with the weather, but the forecast tonight is calling for heavy rain and powerful winds. Gusts up to fifty miles per hour. I don’t know what the big deal is though. I mean, I can handle a little rain. It’s not a big deal.
“The big deal,” Maggie explains to me as I’m preparing Victoria’s breakfast, “is you guys might lose power.”
That doesn’t faze me. In my old apartment, I used to lose power all the time. Of course, that was because I didn’t pay the electricity bill.
“Listen,” Maggie says, “if there’s a big storm, you’re always welcome to come stay with me and Steve. We live in an apartment complex, so we usually keep our power. And if there’s snow, it gets plowed pretty quickly, so you won’t get stranded.”
“Thanks.” I pull the bowl of instant oatmeal out of the microwave. “I think I’ll be okay here though.” I stir the oatmeal. It’s thick and gloopy— the characteristics of any delicious breakfast. So no, it definitely doesn’t look appetizing, but considering Victoria likely won’t attempt even a bite of it, I’m not going to worry too much about it. “By the way, can I ask you a question?”
Maggie tucks a strand of red hair behind her ear. She doesn’t seem eager to get to her cleaning chores. She’s always looking for excuses to goof off, and talking to me is a popular one. “Sure.”
“Do you know anything about Glen Head?” Maggie is quiet for a moment. “Glen Head?” “Yeah. It’s in Oyster Bay, right?”
The flicker of recognition in her eyes is unmistakable. But she’s still silent. There’s something about the town that’s significant. Otherwise, why would Victoria say it? It’s so hard for her to get words out, everything she says has some significance. Like nub.
“The cook and gardener, Irina, used to live there,” Maggie finally says. “She moved closer after she started working here. But that’s where she had been living before.” She hesitates. “I think so, at least.”
Adam always gets this strange look on his face whenever the sorry state of the front lawn comes up. He mentioned Irina once by name but then quickly changed the subject. Why is Victoria talking about her? And where is she now? Did she quit?
“So I’ve got a question for you,” Maggie says. “Sure.”
“Who is Freddy?”
My heart drops into my stomach. I’m about to ask her what she’s talking about when I see I left my phone on the counter and she’s looking right down the screen. Damn.
I snatch the phone right from under her nose. Why won’t Freddy leave me alone already? Why can’t he move on? I sure have.
Please let me talk to you. I can’t stop thinking about you. It’s Freddy.
“He’s nobody,” I mumble.
Maggie raises her eyebrows. “He’s nobody who can’t stop thinking about you?”
“It’s not what you think.”
I made a terrible mistake. Please forgive me.
I type the words “please leave me alone” onto the screen, then block the number. Of course, blocking Freddy never helps. He always gets a new number. I had hoped leaving town might deter him, but clearly, he’s still determined to be part of my life.
“What do I think?” Maggie looks intrigued.
The last thing I wanted was to make myself interesting. I had hoped that I could get through this entire experience without anybody asking me any questions about my personal life. I don’t want to talk about my past. It’s just painful.
But then I look up at Maggie’s earnest freckled face. It’s very hard to spend time with this woman and not want to confide in her. And I’ve been dying to get the story off my chest. Like Adam, I don’t have many friends.
“He was my boyfriend,” I say. “A long time ago.” “Is he cute?”
I can’t help but smile. “Yes. Very. That wasn’t the problem.” “So what happened?”
“I got pregnant.” It still hurts to say those words. I wonder if it will ever stop hurting. “But then I got in an accident. I lost the baby and I had
other injuries. And at the same time, I lost my health insurance.”
I still feel shaken when I remember discovering that my father had taken me off his health insurance policy. At the worst possible time. After all, I needed insurance to pay for the things he did to me. My broken wrist. The bleeding from the miscarriage that persisted for months and required an emergency room visit, a transfusion, and a procedure to get it to stop.
“Freddy and I couldn’t pay the hospital bills, we couldn’t pay our rent, we were just scrambling to keep our heads above water.” I wince at the memory. “I wanted to declare bankruptcy or ask Freddy’s parents for help, but he wouldn’t let me. It got to the point where all we did was fight. We were really unhappy. So then I finally told him to leave, and… he did. He couldn’t leave fast enough.”
“And now he wants to get back together,” Maggie says.
I nod. “He keeps saying he made a terrible mistake and he should never have left. But he did. And now I’m done with him. I just want to move on and put the past behind me.”
I spent the last year trying to rebuild my life. And now Freddy wants me back? No way.
“Wow,” Maggie breathes. “I don’t blame you for not taking him back. I think I’d have trouble getting over all that too. Sometimes it’s better to have a fresh start.”
“Yeah,” I mumble.
Maggie taps her finger against her chin. “I’ll have to ask Steve if he knows any guys we can set you up with.
“That’s okay. I don’t feel like getting into any relationships right now.
She clucks her tongue. “Okay, but you have to get back on the horse sooner or later. Right?”
I close my eyes for a moment, remembering that awful night. Freddy didn’t come home until two in the morning. It wasn’t his fault—he was doing janitorial work at a large office building in the city and it was a night shift job. His last job, working as a security guard, had been better but some stuff at the company went missing and they fired him, even though he swore up and down he would never have stolen anything. I told him to his face that I believed him, but I wasn’t entirely sure. Given our financial situation, I wouldn’t have blamed him for breaking the law. It’s not like I was never tempted.
So it wasn’t like he was out with his friends, drinking at a bar. He was working. But the fact of the matter was that I was trying to sleep and had to be up at six in the morning to walk a couple of kids to school for minimum wage. And I didn’t appreciate the amount of noise he was making as he took off his shirt and pants and then flipped around about five times on our creaky mattress to get comfortable. The last straw was when he put his arm around my body.
I flipped over in bed and glared at him in the darkness. “Are you serious? Are you trying to make it impossible for me to sleep?”
The room was dark but my eyes had time to adjust, so I could see the surprise on his face. “No. I just wanted to put my arm around you.”
“Well, you’re keeping me awake. I’ve got to get up early in the morning, you know.”
“Sorry. I just got home.”
“I mean, I’m exhausted. I need to get a good night’s sleep. Why is that so hard for you to wrap your head around?”
He propped himself up on his elbows. “You think I’m not tired, Sylvia? I’ve been cleaning up fucking garbage for the last eight hours. All you have to do is walk a couple of kids to school.”
“So find a better job.”
“Right. Because it’s that easy.” He flopped back down against the pillow. “Obviously, this is my dream job. Mopping floors and hauling around trash—it’s fantastic. I would never want to find anything else.”
“Don’t be an asshole.”
He punched the bed with his fist. “I don’t know what you want from me. This is the best I can do right now.”
I realized he was right. This was the best he could do. I had fallen in love with Freddy in high school, and everything about him seemed so glamorous then. There was nothing glamorous about our lives right now. We were stuck in a hole we would never get out of. We were still trying to pay off my medical bills. Freddy couldn’t seem to get a decent job and neither could I.
I wasn’t happy. And neither was he. Worst of all, we were dragging each other down.
“You should go,” I said to him.
He groaned. “Look, I’m sorry. Let’s talk about this in the morning
“There’s nothing to talk about. This is… it’s over.”
“What?” He tried to reach for me but I pulled away. “Sylvie… come on… you know I love you.”
“The only reason you’re still with me is that you feel responsible for my parents kicking me out and losing our baby.” I swallowed a lump in my throat. “Well, you’re not responsible. Both those things weren’t your fault. So you can leave—guilt-free.”
“Sylvie…”
“I told you to leave.”
I watched him in the dark room. I wanted him to disagree with me. I wanted him to tell me that he loved me too much and that he couldn’t possibly leave. But instead, he got out of bed at two in the morning and started getting dressed. He shoved a bunch of his belongings into a suitcase and went out the door without saying goodbye. I could hear the front door slam on his way out.
I went to the window and saw his Ford Fiesta parked on the street. He bought it used a few months ago when he got mugged and beaten up on the subway by a bunch of thugs on his way home from work at one in the morning. He got it cheap but it had already cost us over a thousand dollars in repairs. Deeper into the hole.
I watched him throw his duffel bag into the car, get into the driver’s seat, and speed away.
I had thought I would feel relief when he left, but I didn’t. I felt sad that the only man I had ever loved had left. And angry that it was so easy for him to go. He was just waiting for me to give him permission. I thought maybe he would come back the next day, after he had a chance to cool off. But he didn’t.
I can’t let go of my anger—he abandoned me the second I gave him permission to do so. And I still have the nagging feeling that I was right when I told him to go. Freddy and I were good together once upon a time, but not as adults. We were better off on our own.
Then after a year had gone by, he came back. He claimed he still loved me and he wanted to give it another try. But it was too late by then. I had decided that I was better off without Freddy Ruggiero.
