I got Benny situated and managed not to cry the whole time. Then, once he was comfortable, I made a beeline for my sob closet.
I liked to cry in the supply closet by Gibson’s office. Quiet, low traffic. I had a toilet-paper box I liked to sit on, and the stuff on the shelves acted as sound insulation so nobody could hear me completely losing my mind.
I’d cried in this closet more times than I could count. I cried in here after losing patients. I cried here when they told me Benny was in end-stage renal failure. Cried here for Nick. I’d even cried in here a little bit for that backstabbing traitor, Kelly, the “friend” who spent two years sleeping with my husband in between meeting me for brunch. But never in all those times had anyone ever walked in on me. And today someone did.
The door opened and a man slipped inside. He shut the door behind him and turned around to see me sitting there, all snot bubbles in my nose and hair sticking to my cheeks.
Dr. Death.
We stared at each other in surprise for a split second—and then he fled.
I let out the breath I’d been holding and put my face back into my hands.
Of course this guy would violate the sanctity of this space. What an asshole.
He yelled at me earlier. I mean, I ran into him, so yeah, I got it. But then he followed me into Benny’s room to give me some mansplaining dressing-
down about running in the hallways. First he got the red carpet rolled out for him to try his best at taking my job, then this. I couldn’t believe—
The door opened again. He came back in, shut the door behind him, crouched in front of me, and handed me a wet washcloth.
“For your face,” he said gently. “It’s warm.”
There was something so kind and disarming in his light brown eyes that I almost forgot how much I disliked him. Almost.
I paused for a moment, then took it. “Thank you.” I sniffed.
He smiled a little and nodded. But he didn’t go. He sat down against the door.
I stared at him, wondering what in the world he thought he was doing. I wanted him to leave. The room was totally crowded with him in it, and I wasn’t going to keep crying with him sitting here.
But then I realized that he probably wanted to make sure I was okay. I guess it would be weird if he just handed me a washcloth and took off, like “Enjoy your meltdown.”
I let out a resigned breath and pressed the warm towel into my eyes. It
did make me feel better.
“Are you okay?” he asked quietly.
I sniffled and nodded, looking anywhere other than his face.
The legs of his black scrubs were inched up and I could see his gray socks. They had tiny brown dogs on them. I guess he was a novelty sock kind of guy.
He had on a black smartwatch. Toned freckled arms like he worked out. A stethoscope draped around his neck, his hospital badge clipped to his shirt. When I got to his eyes, he was gazing back at me. A five-o’clock shadow, a full head of thick reddish-brown hair. He wasn’t bad looking. Like, at all.
I distrusted good-looking men on principle. Nick was good-looking, and look where that got me.
His eyes were red, and I wondered if his day was going about as well as mine. Maybe he’d come in here for a break too.
“So,” he said. “Do you come here often?”
I let out a dry laugh at the joke. “Best place to cry in the whole hospital,” I said, my voice raspy.
“I used to like the stairwell at Memorial West.”
I nodded. “Also a solid choice. A little too echoey for my use, but a nice supply closet alternative if you’re claustrophobic.”
“On-call rooms are good too,” he suggested.
“Too far from the ER. I like the sob closet. Close enough for a spontaneous midday breakdown.”
“My favorite kind,” he said tiredly. So he had come here to hide.
He paused a moment. “I’m Jacob,” he said. “Briana.”
Then we went quiet again.
There was something comfortable about the silence, a kind of understanding in it.
It reminded me of a backpacking trip I’d taken a few years ago. Nick hadn’t wanted to go, so I was alone. I knew only too well now why he didn’t want to go. His favorite time to cheat was when I was on a mountain somewhere without cell service—but anyway. I’d been on the Superior Hiking Trail right after dawn, and ran into a bear on the path. We both paused and just stood there, looking at each other. Him with his bear claws and bear teeth. Me with my bear spray. But neither of us moved to hurt the other, and I couldn’t explain it other than to say that the bear and I agreed to
be harmless to each other and share the space. That’s what this felt like. A quiet, unspoken truce.
Maybe he wasn’t so bad. He didn’t look like an awful person. He looked tired. Sort of vulnerable.
“Is he someone you know?” he asked quietly. “The dialysis patient?” I let out a slow breath. “My little brother,” I said.
“What caused it?” he asked.
“An autoimmune disorder. Came out of nowhere.”
We sat there quietly. Him against his door and me on my TP box.
“You know, it could be worse,” he said after a moment. “You can live for decades on dialysis.”
I was instantly snapped back into the room.
It could be worse.
I was so sick and tired of platitudes.
God has a plan.
Everything happens for a reason.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
No, it doesn’t, and fuck all of it.
There was no reason for this to be happening to Benny. It wasn’t God’s plan, and it wasn’t going to make him stronger. And you know what? Maybe it could be worse. But who cares? That was the most unhelpful comment of all. Benny had every right to hate what was happening to him. He had every right to grieve the life and the body he’d lost and to be angry about it, no matter how many countless other scenarios sucked slightly more than this one.
“Why the fuck would he want to live for decades on dialysis?” I snapped. “He’s twenty-seven years old. He wants to make spontaneous trips
to Vegas with his friends, drink beer, meet girls, and have sex without being embarrassed about the tubes sticking out of his chest.”
He put up a hand. “I didn’t mean—”
“I really hope something like this never happens to someone you love. Or to you. And I seriously hope you never say stupid shit like this to your patients.”
I got up. “Let me out.”
He pushed a long breath through his lips and dipped his head between his knees for a second. Then he dragged himself up and moved away from the door.
I stopped right before opening it. “And another thing. I think it’s completely unethical what you and Gibson are doing. But it’s fine. Doesn’t matter.” I looked him in the eye. “This is my team. This is my hospital. You’ll never get the job, no matter who pulls strings for you.”
I slammed the door on my way out.
