I went back to my parents’ house after I dropped off Briana.
I found Mom in the kitchen alone, wrestling the trash from the can.
“Jacob,” she said when I walked in with Lieutenant Dan. “I thought you and Briana left hours ago.”
“Mom, I got it.” I took the trash bag from her and tied the top in a knot and set it next to the can to take out when I left.
I looked around. “Where’s Dad?”
“He’s dealing with the pool cleanup. It’s not too bad, we’re almost done.”
I stood there, my hands in my pockets, looking at the floor. I didn’t know why I came here. I just knew I couldn’t go home. I’d never sleep.
“What’s wrong, sweetie? You look upset.”
Upset didn’t begin to cover it. I was crushed. Embarrassed. Deflated. I was disappointed in a way I’d never felt before.
Mom waited, and when I didn’t elaborate, she nodded to the sliding back door. “Come on. Let’s go sit on the deck. We’ll watch your dad fish Carter’s swim trunks out of the pool.”
“He got out naked?”
“As a jaybird. Streaked across the yard for five minutes before Gwen caught him. I swear between the twins and your grandfather, I’ve lost ten years off my life.”
I cracked a small smile. We went to the deck and took a seat on the cushioned sofa. The luau was over. The tiki lamps were still lit, and leis and empty Solo cups were scattered all over the yard like a tropical Mardi Gras. Dad was down there with the pool net, scraping the bottom while the red cups rolled around in the breeze.
Lieutenant Dan jumped up and put his head in Mom’s lap, and I looked at Mom’s hands while she petted him. They were arthritic.
Her lupus didn’t flare much anymore, but the damage had already been done to her body. She was tough. She worked through the pain and kept doing what she loved. And when she couldn’t, we helped her.
Mom reminded me a lot of Briana, actually. They were both strong. And stubborn—and they knew themselves. Briana wouldn’t have said no unless she meant no. She said it so quickly too. I cringed again at the memory.
“Did you and Briana have a fight?” Mom asked, breaking into my thoughts.
I didn’t know how to explain this to her. That my girlfriend didn’t actually like me, didn’t want to go on a date with me, and intended to fulfill her promise to me like a contract that would be void upon completion of the work.
I couldn’t believe she said that. That we just needed to get this over with and then I could just date someone else. Like she was interchangeable with some other random woman. Like girlfriend was a position I was trying to fill.
I didn’t want anyone else.
She said she’d already done the “Love the One You’re With” thing. Is that what she’d be doing with me if we dated? Settling?
The hurt crashed over me all over again. The humiliation.
I scrubbed my hands over my face. “I don’t think Briana feels as strongly for me as I feel for her,” I said. “And I don’t know what to do about it.”
Mom sat quietly next to me.
“Can I ask you a question?” She waited until I looked at her. “Why did you let it go on with Amy for so long? You were so unhappy. Everyone saw it.”
I stared out at the pool for a long moment. “I was afraid of change,” I said finally. “And I thought it was me. I thought any relationship I was in was going to be that hard because of who I was. How I was.”
She shook her head. “Jacob. Have you ever heard the saying that if you’re with someone who doesn’t speak your language, you’ll spend a lifetime having to translate your soul? Amy never spoke your language. That’s all. Nothing wrong with either of you, just two different people. That’s how I can tell Briana’s different. She understands you, even when you don’t say anything at all.”
I looked at her. Mom had noticed that?
“You should see the way she looks at you,” she said, going on. “When you’re not watching. She looks at you like you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to her.”
That wasn’t love. That was gratitude for what I was doing for her brother. Relief.
Or it could just be acting. Not based on anything at all.
Mom looked at me gently. “Love shows up, Jacob. So show up.” I shook my head. “But how? What if she doesn’t want me to?”
Mom laughed. “That woman is perfectly capable of telling you what she does and does not want. Ask her. If she sets a boundary, respect it. But if
you ask her if you can show up, and she says yes? Show up. And don’t give up on her. Because I haven’t seen you this happy in a very long time.”
I stared out over the pool. And I realized that I didn’t even have a choice but to show up. That the urge to be around Briana was so strong it circumvented everything. Pride. Better judgment. Humility. Even my anxiety.
My anxiety…
For so long I let my life be dictated by my anxiety. Everything I did revolved around not getting uncomfortable, not leaving my safe space. I didn’t have the tough conversations I should have had with Amy, and I didn’t end it for fear of the unknown afterward. I stayed where I was because anything new was scary for me and I wasn’t willing to risk it. I needed my life calm, easy, and static.
But I wouldn’t do that with Briana. I’d leave my comfort zone. I had to.
Because that’s where she was. And for her I would go anywhere.
Even now, rejected and gutted, I still wanted to orbit around her, even if she never wanted me to land.
And it occurred to me that I only had a few more months when I could orbit her. When our arrangement made it okay. Expected, even. Because after that…
After that, the deal was off.
