Those motherfuckers are always up to something,” Briana said.
We were parked in front of my parents’ house.
I shook my head at her. “No. Give me something else.”
“Nope. That’s it. ‘Those motherfuckers are always up to something.’ That’s the get-out-of-jail catchphrase for the day.”
“I can’t say that,” I said. “Why not?”
“It’s not how I talk.”
“Jacob, this isn’t supposed to be easy. You have to earn it.”
She gave me a serious look and I couldn’t help but smile. She was so, so
beautiful.
“I can’t work the word motherfucker,” I said, lowering my voice on the last word, “into a casual conversation.”
“Why? Jafar does it all the time.” I snorted.
“This is the phrase. It has to be hard or you’ll just drop it the second you get in there. You have to work for your alone-on-the-stairs-with-the-dog time.” She gave me a playful look.
“All right. But I’m telling you right now, I might not be able to do it.” “Of course you will. I believe in you, and how badly you want out of
social commitments.” I laughed.
We’d just driven over from my house. She saw it for the first time today.
She liked it.
I wanted her to like it.
I’d spent days making sure it was perfect. I’d bought a new duvet cover and a rug for the entryway. I dusted all my plants and bleached the sink. Weeded the garden and organized my books. I wanted her to be impressed.
“Give me a sec to touch up my lipstick,” she said, pulling down the sun visor.
I let my eyes move down her body while she wasn’t paying attention. Her dress was hiked up and I lingered on her thigh for a split second before I forced myself to look away.
When she was in my bedroom, my heart had thudded harder than it ever had in my life. Just her standing there turned me on. I’d had to adjust the front of my pants.
I couldn’t stop thinking about her. All of her. All the time. And it got worse every day.
And the hug…
I knew the science behind what I’d felt. That the pressure of her contact was sending signals to my autonomic nervous system, quieting down my fight-or-flight response, oxytocin was being released, creating a feeling of calm and bonding.
But other things had happened too. Things that wouldn’t happen if I’d hugged my sister.
I could still smell her perfume on my shirt. I could still feel where she’d been pressed into my body, and I couldn’t ignore how much I liked it. How beautiful I thought she was today, how nice she smelled. How grateful I was that she was doing this, for whatever reason. And all this strengthened my desire to return the favor that was a favor to my favor. All I wanted to do
these last few weeks was to show her how much I appreciated her and valued her friendship. My brain had broken off from worrying about the wedding and all that situation entailed, and it had moved on to how I could look after Briana. A quiet observation of her well-being had grown inside of me the way it did for all the people I cared about. Only not the same.
Not the same at all.
She closed the visor and smacked her lips. “Done.” “I guess we should get out,” I said.
“Yeah. Are you ready?”
“I’m never ready for a party. I just come to terms with the fact that I have to go inside.”
She laughed.
“Why are they doing it here?” she asked, gathering up her purse. “They couldn’t rent a restaurant or a dining hall or something?”
“Everyone does everything here. Mom likes it. It’s her way of always having us around.”
“Huh. That’s smart, I guess. They’re not getting married here, are they?” “No. I think some hotel on the North Shore.”
Lieutenant Dan made an impatient whining noise from the back seat. He wanted to see Mom.
I sighed. “All right. Come on. Let’s go.”
When we got inside, the house was empty. The party was a luau-themed pig roast at the pool. Everyone was out back. We went through the living room to the sliding glass doors off the upper deck, and we could see everyone through the window. I let Lieutenant Dan out to go find Mom, but Briana and I stopped there to look.
My whole family was outside, along with Amy’s parents and her sister. A few of my cousins milled around by the pool with Mom’s best friend,
Dorothy. Amy’s best friend, Shannon, and her college roommate were over by the bar. A few coworkers and Amy and Jeremiah’s friends sat at the tables. There were tiki torches lit and lights strung over the yard. Mom had hired a bartender, and drinks in pineapples and coconuts were floating about. The twins were running between tables and Grandpa was driving so fast in his wheelchair through the crowd people had to jump out of the way.
Amy stood in the middle of the throng with Jeremiah petting Lieutenant Dan. My brother was in a red Hawaiian shirt, telling some animated story, and Amy wore a white cocktail dress with a lei around her neck, laughing at whatever he was saying.
This was only the second time I’d ever seen them together as a couple. Once at the bar when they broke the wedding news, and now. But this time was different. It didn’t sting the way it did last time. Actually it didn’t feel like anything at all.
No. It felt like relief—because that could have been me down there, at my own engagement party with her. And that would have been the biggest mistake of my life.
I was glad it was over between us.
I think this was the first moment that I actually felt this way. I was glad
it was over.
I didn’t miss her. Seeing her with someone else didn’t bother me. At all. Maybe because for the first time in my life I spent my days with someone who seemed to understand me, and the comparison just highlighted how wrong Amy and I had been together. And then I wondered why I’d let it drag on with her as long as I did.
How many years did I waste being that unhappy—that lonely? Why did I wait so long to do anything about it? To say something to her? To let her know how I felt? I’d just stayed, and I was miserable.
“Are you okay?” Briana whispered.
I shook my head, thinking about all the time I lost. “No.”
And I wasn’t done paying for it. Because I still had to get through today.
This was Amy and Jeremiah’s party, but I was the entertainment. “Everyone’s going to be looking at me,” I said quietly.
“No. They’re going to be looking at me. And I’m going to be looking at you. Like this.”
She put her hands on my chest and peered up at me lovingly. Long lashes. Deep brown eyes.
Beautiful.
My heart started to pound, the same way it had when she’d been in my bedroom. It pounded the way it did when she called, or when I saw a letter from her, or when she came out of her house and jogged down the steps.
And she was looking at me now like she loved me.
I knew it wasn’t true. But it felt true. Everyone else would think it was.
I stared back at her. She was holding my gaze and smiling softly and in that moment I wanted to lean down and kiss her, the same way I’d wanted to earlier at my house.
What would she do if I did?
I wanted to know if she ever thought of me like I thought of her. If she got excited to see me. If she had feelings for me beyond our friendship, or if she’d ever thought about it being more than this. I wanted to know if any of this was real. Because it was starting to feel real. At least for me.
I cleared my throat and looked away. “Come on. Let’s get this over with,” I said.
The Beach Boys were playing when we came outside. A blender was running. There were probably at least a hundred people here and the party
was loud, but it felt like everything hushed the second we started making our way down the stairs.
Everyone was looking at us.
Briana’s hand slipped into mine and tightened, and I realized how absolutely unbearable this would have been without her. If I had to come here alone, I wouldn’t have been able to do it.
“There they are!” Mom said, spotting us. She closed the distance between us with a coconut drink in one hand and a lei in the other, Lieutenant Dan hopping at her feet. “I waited to carve the pig until you two got here,” she said, hugging Briana and slipping the fresh-flower necklace over her neck. She kissed me hello, and the party sounds resumed around us.
Gwen, Jewel, and Walter came over. Mom left to greet more guests and I stood quietly while Briana made small talk on my behalf, my anxiety at a low hum.
I had to go introduce Briana to Amy and Jeremiah and say hi. Soon.
It would never be as awkward as it would be right now. I knew we just had to get this initial introduction over with, let everyone stare at us, and the rest would only get easier. But I was dreading it. I was trying to rally my courage to go over there. But in the end, Amy and Jeremiah came to us.
“You made it!” Amy said, breezing in and parting the group.
“Thanks for coming.” Jeremiah beamed, coming in for a hug in that confident way my little brother had. The easy rapport of a slightly drunk extrovert surrounded by his own people at his own party.
I felt frozen.
Shut off again, like that day in Benny’s hospital room. Rendered mute by the complicated dynamic of this impossible situation and all the people
watching me. Every single person at this party was holding their breath, wondering, How will Jacob deal with seeing Amy with his brother?
My dog pushed his head under my hand.
Amy’s eyes went back and forth between me and Briana. “And this is…?” she asked when I didn’t introduce them.
“Briana,” Briana said, smiling at my ex. “Congratulations on the engagement.”
I cleared my throat. “This is my girlfriend,” I managed.
“I know!” Amy said, a little too brightly. “They told us you had one. We couldn’t believe it.”
I don’t think she meant it to come out like that, but it did. I felt Briana tense next to me.
“I know what you mean,” Briana said curtly. “When Jacob told me what this party was for, I couldn’t believe that either.”
Amy’s mouth fell open. Walter buried his nose in his cup of beer, Gwen sucked air through her teeth, and Jewel whispered, “Damn. Double homicide,” under her breath.
Jeremiah shifted his feet. “I was just telling Amy that the two of you work together?” he said, trying to change the subject.
“Yes,” I said, regaining some of my composure. “Briana’s an ER physician at Royaume.”
“Do you like it?” Amy asked her with a forced smile, obviously trying to make conversation to salvage the bad start.
“Working with him? I love it,” Briana said. She looked up at me with stars in her eyes. “You know what he said to me the other day? You guys will love this story. We had this patient with a degloving injury to the scalp. Half his face was peeled off, really gory. Anyway, we patched this guy up
and Jacob grabs me and pulls me into a supply closet and looks me in the eye and says, ‘Briana, I would love you even if you didn’t have a face.’”
I almost choked on my laugh. Her story was so unexpected it completely threw me out of my anxiety spiral.
Amy looked back and forth between us like she was trying to tell whether Briana was joking.
I coughed into my fist, still smiling. “It’s true. I said it.”
Amy pressed her lips into a line. “That’s so sweet,” she said flatly.
Briana clutched my arm. “He’s always saying stuff like that to me. He’s so romantic.” She grinned up at me for a second, then looked back at Amy. “We’re moving in together.”
My head whipped to stare at her.
Amy looked back and forth between us. “You’re…moving in together.” She said it slowly, like maybe she didn’t understand.
“Yeah. He practically begged me,” Briana said. “And then I was like, you’re right, the walls at my place are waaaay too thin, we’re keeping the neighbors up all night and this poor guy’s always too dehydrated to drive home after…Anyway, it’s been so nice to meet you,” Briana said. “But I need a drink. Jacob? Want a drink?”
“Sure?”
Then she dragged me toward the bar and left them standing there. Well. That was over.
“I hate her,” Briana hiss-whispered as soon as we were out of hearing distance.
“Don’t hate her,” I said, still chuckling. “I’m sure this isn’t easy for her either.”
She muttered something in Spanish. Then she pulled me into a quiet spot next to the pool house. She closed her eyes and let out a long breath through
pursed lips like she was trying to settle herself down. When she looked at me again, she shook her head. “I’m sorry,” she said, softer now. “I get very protective over people I care about. And I did not like that.”
“It’s okay,” I said, trying to hide how much I liked that she just said she cared about me.
She crossed her arms. “I mean, what is her problem? Was that necessary? I cOuLdN’t BeLieVe yOu HaVe a GiRlFriEnD,” she said in a mock voice that was supposed to be Amy. “Why exactly is that so hard to believe? You’re a ten. What is so fucking confusing??”
I arched an eyebrow. “You think I’m a ten?” “You’re an eleven.”
I peered down at her, grinning. “So you’d still love me even if I didn’t have a face?”
This drew a laugh, despite her annoyance.
“Where do you come up with this stuff?” I asked, smiling.
“I am very good at ad-libbing. Seriously, though. I really hope you don’t let anything she says get to you.”
“She’s not a mean person. I don’t think that came out the way she intended.”
“Yeah, well, she’d better learn to be a little more intentional when it comes to you, because I’m not going to put up with it. I was two seconds away from taking my hoops out.”
I looked at her, amused. “You know, you actually scare me a little bit…” “You have no idea how scary I can be.”
I crossed my arms. “You do realize that you’re really going to have to live with me now, right?”
“Oh, ha-ha.”
“I’m serious. My family comes over unannounced all the time. They’ll know you lied.”
She waved me off. “Put a pink toothbrush in your bathroom.” “That’s not gonna do it.”
The funny thing was, I wanted her to stay with me. I didn’t like it when she went home at night. I didn’t even like it when we both got off and we had to get into separate cars to meet later for dinner. I’d love it if she was staying at my house, even if I was only getting her on a technicality.
Even if I was only getting her for now.
An hour and a half later the caterer had carved the pig. A chocolate fountain with pineapple and strawberries had been rolled out and the flame throwers had just finished their act. Mom did know how to throw a party.
I was relaxed. We’d spent the time talking to Jill, Jewel, Walter, and Gwen at a long picnic table near the tiki torches.
I think Briana must have impressed Jewel earlier because my sister sidled up to her like she’d found a new member of her dog pack. Jewel responded to strong female leadership.
Briana was sitting so close to me her leg pressed into mine. I had a hand on her knee, and she kept leaning into my arm. I almost forgot I was at my ex’s engagement party. Or that I was at a party at all.
Briana did that to me.
It was weird to say, but she made me feel alone—the way I felt when I was by myself. Calm and unaffected. Like it was just us here and not a hundred other people.
I liked being alone. With her.
The karaoke portion of the evening began. Briana leaned in to whisper so close to my ear I could have turned my head and kissed her.
“This party is brought to you on the backs of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” she said quietly.
“You don’t like karaoke?” I asked, turning slightly so that our lips were a fraction of an inch apart.
“I do. But today we’re in your hell, not mine.”
I was laughing at this when Mom and Dad came to the table with Amy and Jeremiah right behind them holding plates of chocolate-dipped fruit. They all sat down. Amy gave us a tight smile, and Briana returned it with one of her own.
Jeremiah nudged his fiancée. “I’m going up. What should I sing?”
Amy bit her lip like she was thinking. “‘500 Miles’ by the Proclaimers.” “Awwwww, cute!” Jill said.
My brother threw back the rest of his drink and ran up to the stage.
“So how is your brother?” Dad asked Briana. “I’ve been meaning to ask you. You said he was in the hospital? The day you two met?”
Briana and I made eye contact for a split second. We hadn’t gotten around to telling my family about Benny. I guess now was as good a time as any. I gave her the smallest nod.
She looked back at everyone. “Well, actually, we have a little announcement about that. My brother Benny’s in renal failure. He’s on dialysis. He has a rare blood type, and it was looking like he might never get a kidney donor.” She paused to hug my arm. “But Jacob is giving him one of his kidneys.”
The whole table froze.
“Jacob…” Mom breathed. Jewel’s hands flew to her mouth.
Jill blinked at me. “That is such a beautiful gift.” Amy just stared.
Briana was tearing up. “He did all the testing without even telling me. He just did it.” Then she looked at Mom. “He said he was doing it because of you. Because someone did it for you once.”
Mom put a hand over her heart. “Such a good man,” Mom said. “Oh, Jacob, I’m so proud of you.”
I let a small, reluctant smile creep through. All my sisters were grinning.
Walter was nodding. Dad was smiling at me, looking proud.
And Amy was leaning back in her seat with her arms crossed. I peered over at Briana. She was beaming at me.
“It’s like I always say,” Mom said, wiping under her eyes. “Love shows up. That’s how you know when it’s real. And what a beautiful way to show up for someone, Jacob.” Then she looked up over my head. “Oh, dear. Someone gave Grandpa a cigarette.” She started to get up. “Probably your cousins.”
“Those motherfuckers are always up to something,” I said.
Briana barked out a laugh, and I leaned into her and snickered. I was having so much fun.
Briana smiled up at me, still giggling. “Jacob, can you get my purse? I think I left it in the taxidermy room.”
She was giving me my out to go take a break. I got up. “Sure.”
I made eye contact with her before I left. She was going to follow me. I could tell. I couldn’t wait to be alone with her. That was the reward. Not slipping out of the party or sitting on the stairs with the dog. It was getting her to myself.
I slipped into the taxidermy room and waited five minutes, and when the door creaked open, I turned and smiled. But it wasn’t Briana.
It was Amy.
