Once I knew we were eating Juicy Lucyโs, I carefully planned when Iโd have to leave to get the food to get to her house on time. I Google Mapped
it. I didnโt want to show up early in case she wasnโt ready for me. If I did get there early, I planned to wait in my car until it was timeโbut not in her driveway. Down the street somewhere. If I waited in her driveway, she might see me pull up and then it would stress her out that I was outside, even though I hadnโt knockedโand thinking that I was stressing her out would stressย meย out.
But in the end, I ended up showing up late because my very last patient vomited all over me.
It pushed my entire plan back by twenty-seven minutes. I was twenty- seven minutes late. This made me flustered, so I was anxious when I pulled up in front of her house, even though Iโd texted and told her what happened and she didnโt seem to care that I wasnโt there yet.
When I knocked at almost eight oโclock, my anxiety was at a low hum. But when she opened the door, it quieted down and then disappeared with a blip.
She was in black fleece skull pajama bottoms and a navy shirt that saidย Everything Is Terribleย on it. Her hair was piled on top of her head in a messy bun and, as promised, there was no bra.
It was hard to feel anxious when the situation is so informal. And I was starting to realize it was hard to feel anxious around her in general. Most of
the time when I did, it was in the lead-up to seeing her, not the actual spending time with her, and it was my own overthinking that got me there.
Speaking of overthinkingโฆ
There was something I kept going back to from the other night at my parentsโ house. Sheโd said she really looked forward to our letters. I wondered if she just made that up for the story. Becauseย Iย had looked forward to those letters. A lot.
I think it mattered to me so much because those were before the news about my kidney. How she felt about the letters wasnโt because of what I was doing for Benny, it was just between us. Unadulterated by gratitude.
There wouldnโt be anything that was untouched by that now. Now I wouldnโt know if anything she was saying or doing was because we were pretending or she was just feeling indebted to me.
I wished I could navigate it better and know what was what.
Had she really liked the letters? If she wasnโt trying to make our relationship look authentic, would I even be here tonight? Would we have talked on the phone like last night? How much bonus time was I getting from her because of our fake dating, because she felt obligated?
I hated that I didnโt know.
โHey,โ she said, pushing the door open to let in me and Lieutenant Dan. I stepped into the entry and she crouched to pet my dog and he bounced on his lone front leg and made puppy noises. He liked her.
I looked around while she was ruffling his head. She hadnโt been kidding about the house. It wasโฆold.
I liked old. My cabin was old. But this wasnโt the nostalgic kind of old that had aged well. This was the kind that was dated and in need of serious renovating. The carpet was brown shag, the ceiling was popcorn. There was a glass coffee table with shiny brass legs. A huge cat tree was in the corner
next to a window covered in cheap, bent blinds. The pink floral sofa in the living room had thick plastic on it and a huge glittery framed painting of the Virgin Mary hanging over it.
Briana put her hands on her hips and surveyed the house with me. โWell, here it is.โ
โItโsโฆโ
โDonโt lie to me. Actuallyโyes. Lie to me.โ I laughed a little.
She nodded to the sofa. โLetโs eat. Iโll give you the grand tour later.โ
I took off my shoes and she made her way to the sofa. Her pajama bottoms were inside out.
โYour pants are on inside out,โ I said, following her.
โI know. The outside was fuzzier. Follow me for more fashion tips.โ I smiled.
Iโd settled on wearing my workout clothesโa gray T-shirt and some black Nike training pants.
It took me a day of planning just to decide on it.
She dropped onto the sofa and patted the spot next to her. I sat down and the plastic squeaked under me. I started unbagging the food onto the coffee table and she turned on the TV while Lieutenant Dan nosed around. He started sniffing under the dust ruffle of the sofa and wagging his tail. The cat was probably there.
I eased myself down onto the floor and put my back against the seat cushion.
โWhat are you doing?โ she asked. โTrying to meet your cat.โ
โIs he under there?โ โI think so.โ
I handed her a burger. She grabbed a blanket and pulled it over her lap. Then she crossed her leg under her, and her knee pressed into my shoulder.
I pretended like I didnโt notice it, but I did. Iย reallyย did.
There was going to be touching now. Obligatory touching, but touching nonetheless. Weโd have to in front of my family.
I felt the same way about this that I felt about the rest of it. I liked it, but hated that I didnโt know if she did.
She turned up the volume on the TV. Two actors walked through a parking lot as a building blew up behind them. โThat stuff kills me,โ she said, setting down the remote and opening her to-go container.
โTotal bullshit,โ I said.
โThey wouldnโt be walking away like that. Blown eardrums at the very least,โ she said.
โThe shift in pressure would rupture a lung. Soft tissue damage.โ
She ate a fry and smiled at me like she liked that I knew this and we could complain about it. I liked it too.
โSo I was Googling get-to-know-you games,โ she said. โAnd I think we should play Would You Rather.โ
I let out a dry laugh. โWhat?โ she asked.
โThe last game Amy wanted to play was Penis,โ I mumbled, tearing the corner of a ketchup packet with my teeth.
โThe game where you take turns shouting penis in a public place louder and louder until one of you gives up out of embarrassment? Thatโs like your number-one idea of hell.โ
I nodded. โYes. Yes, it is. Iโm not very fun, unfortunately.โ
She scoffed. โYouโre fun. That game fucking sucks. What other torture did she subject you to? Did she like to text you โWe need to talkโ too?โ
I paused. โShe did, actually.โ Briana rolled her eyes.
โShe threw me a surprise birthday party last year,โ I said. โShe didnโt understand why I was so mortified, since it was just my family and Zander there and she got my favorite cake.โ I shook my head. โI donโt like parties. I especially donโt like parties for me, and I definitely donโt like them when I donโt have a chance to mentally prepare for them. It was like my nightmare trifecta.โ
Briana bit the tip off a fry. โWhat the heck was wrong with her? Iโve known you like three weeks and even I know youโd hate that.โ
I pinched off a small piece of hamburger and held it under the couch. A moment later a soft mouth took it. โItโs not her fault. She always meant well. Sheโs just a people person, she likes parties. I was the one who always ruined things.โ
I felt Briana studying me and I looked up. โWhat?โ
โYou know that itโs not your fault that you donโt like that stuff, right?
Thereโs nothing wrong with you.โ
I didnโt know what to say in response to that.
She pivoted to look at me straight on. โHave you ever heard that quote if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that itโs stupid?โ
โYeahโฆโ
โSounds like Amy really likes hanging out in trees.โ I laughed a little.
โI will never judge you for how you climb a tree, Jacob. And you should know that you are anย exceptionalย fish.โ
She held my gaze, and I smiled and looked down at my lap. I didnโt know that I needed to hear this. But I did.
I put so much of the blame of what happened between me and Amy on myself, it didnโt even occur to me to look at it another way. And for just a moment, I allowed myself to believe that maybe I really was a fish put in a tree.
โAll right,โ Briana said, sitting back into the sofa. โWould You Rather.
Are you ready?โ
I pinched off another piece of burger and held it under the couch. โIโm ready.โ
โWould you rather be a reverse centaur or a reverse merman?โ โLike, a man with a horse head or a fish head?โ
โThat is correct.โ
I thought about it. โA centaur. I donโt love the idea of not being able to blink.โ
โOr breathe. Youโd have to live in the water. Things would beย very
shrively.โ
I chuckled.
โYour turn,โ she said, taking an exploratory bite of her burger.
โI need to Google questions. I canโt just think these up on demand,โ I said, pulling out my phone.
I scanned a Would You Rather question list. โOkay. Would you rather fight flying monkeys or infinity ants?โ
She swallowed. โFlying monkeys,โ she said without thinking about it. โThe ants wonโt ever stop. That was too easy, give me another one.โ
I looked again. โWould you rather know the history of everything you touch, or be able to talk to animals?โ
She scrunched up her face. โI donโt like either of those. Either way Iโm going to be honor bound to solve unsolved mysteries for the rest of my life. But if I had to choose, animals.โ
โYou donโt like unsolved mysteries?โ
โI do, but I donโt want that to be my job. I only solve murder mysteries for fun.โ
I gave her an amused look.
โMy turn,โ she said. โWould you rather name your kid whatever you want, or name your kid after an internet provider in exchange for eighteen years of free Wi-Fi?โ
I laughed. โWhat? Like, Xfinity or something?โ โYeah.โ
โXfinity isnโt awful,โ I said. โSo itโs a yes? Youโd do it?โ
โHow much is this free Wi-Fi Iโm getting?โ
She bobbed her head. โWell, assuming youโre getting the premium plan for bequeathing them your firstbornโseventy-five, maybe a hundred dollars a month?โ
โOver eighteen years thatโs probably about twenty thousand dollars in savings. Yeah. Iโd do it.โ
She gawked at me. โYouโd make your kid live their whole life with that name for twenty thousand dollars in savings? Iโd pay twenty thousand dollars for my kidย notย to have that name.โ
โWhat? Itโs not like I named her CenturyLink. Xfinityโs a nice name.โ โIf youโre a horse in a Disney movie.โ
I twisted to look back at her and made my face serious. โThere is nothing wrong with Xfinity pulling her weight around here. Childcare is expensive.โ
โWow. It is sad how easily bought you are. At least sheโll be able to Google therapists.โ
โWe could call her a nickname and she could legally change it once she turns eighteen.โ
โWhatโs her nickname? Password?โ
I grinned. โWell, what nickname wouldย youย give her?โ โAva,โ she said without even thinking about it.
โWhy Ava?โ
โBecause I like that name. If I ever get a dog, Iโm going to name her Ava.โ
The cat slid out from under the sofa.
Briana blinked at it. โWell, Iโll be damnedโฆโ
Cooter sniffed me. Then sniffed Lieutenant Dan. Then the cat came back around and rubbed his head on my hand and let me pet him. โHey, there.โ
She shook her head. โHow did youย doย that?โ she asked, her mouth open. โHeโs been hiding for weeks.โ
โMove slowly, talk softly, and offer food,โ I said, talking to the cat in a low voice.
She grabbed three fries, dipped them in ketchup, and bit the tops off. โI am impressed.โ
I looked up at her and smiled, liking that I did something to impress her. โSo whatโs your dream date?โ she asked, taking another bite of a fry.
โWhat kind of stuff are we doing in our pretend time together?โ I shrugged. โThis.โ
She looked at me. โReally? You like this? Just hanging out?โ โI love this.โ
She nodded. โMe too. Itโs so underrated. And hiking and camping.โ
โYes.โ
โNick never wanted to go with me,โ she said. โI always had to go alone.โ
โIโll go with you,โ I said, a little too quickly and immediately regretting it. She wasnโt asking me to join her.
โOh my God, I wouldย loveย that.โ
The corners of my lips turned up. โThereโs a lot of good trails up by the cabin.โ
โAll right, itโs a date. Oh! That reminds me. I should probably delete all my dating apps. I donโt want someone seeing me on Bumble or something and think Iโm cheating on you.โ She pulled out her phone. โYou should delete yours too. In case you match with one of the nurses or something.โ
โI donโt have any.โ
She looked at me over her phone. โReally? None?โ I shook my head. โNo.โ
โWell, whereโd you meet Amy?โ
โAt work. And my girlfriend before that too.โ
โWow. Spared the horrors of online dating,โ she said. โLucky you.โ โI donโt even know what theyโre like. Iโve never been on one,โ I said. โWanna see mine?โ
โSure,โ I said, getting back up to sit next to her on the sofa. The cat followed me and jumped up on my lap.
Briana did a few swipes and then handed me her phone, open to her profile.
Her main picture was the one of her at Minnehaha Falls in the gray baseball hat and glasses.
Her info was sparse. Drinks socially, never smokes, no kids and donโt want any. Her bio read:
Looking for something casual. Someone to do fun things with. Must love tacos. And be advised I will be Googling you and Iโm very good at it, so donโt bother if youโre not who you say you
are. I donโt want anything serious and youโre not going to convert me, so donโt fall in love.
โYou donโt want anything serious?โ I asked, looking over at her. โNope.โ
โNow? Or ever?โ
โEver.โ Oh.
Had her divorce been that bad? Amy hurt me too, but I wasnโt ready to give up. I wasnโt ready to date yet, but eventually.
I handed back her phone. โYou lied on there.โ โUh, aboutย what?โ
โYou said you like tacos. Those are not real tacos you like.โ She made a fake indignant face. โOh, stop.โ
โHowโs your stomach? Everything okay?โ I asked, grinning at her with my hand on the catโs back.
โMind. Your.ย Business, Jacob. Cat whisperer. Iโm taking you to Taco Bell with me one day and Iโm gonna eat ten of those and youโre going to be impressed and not at all grossed out.โ
I cracked up and she laughed with me. God, this was easy.
I wondered if she saw how easy it was too. Or maybe for her all her friendships were like this. Mine werenโt. To have this kind of rapport with someone so early on was unusual for me.
Briana made me the best version of myself when I was with her somehow.
She stopped laughing and smiled at Cooter in my lap. โWhy did you and your ex break up?โ she asked, petting the cat.
I blew out a breath. โItโs hard to explain.โ
She waited.
โItโs likeโฆI was a prop.โ โAย prop?โ
โYeah. Like she was the main character, and I was her sidekick. It was always about her. What she wanted to do, what she liked. I was there just to be there. And when I finally said something about it, she left.โ I laughed a little dryly. โThe funny thing is, Jeremiah reallyย isย her sidekick. And he likes it. They like all the same stuff and heโs perfectly happy just facilitating whatever it is she wants.โ
โOh, I totally get that. Thatโs what itโs like with my mom and Gil. He follows after her like a puppy dog. How did your brother and Amy meet?โ she asked.
โThey work together. They actually knew each other before we met. Sheโs a pediatrician and heโs a nurse practitioner in the pediatric department at Memorial West.โ
โIs that why you left the hospital?โ
โThat is why I left.โ I let out another long breath. โWhat about you?โ I asked. โWhat happened with you and Nick?โ
She pressed her lips together and looked at the cat instead of me. โWell. We were together for twelve years. Married for ten. And he spent two years of that having an affair with a friend of ours. So.โ
I peered over at her. โIโm sorry.โ
โYeah. It was pretty messed up. Kelly and I hung out. She texted me almost every day, which just made the whole thing so much more disgusting. Iโm pretty sure the emotional affair went on a lot longer than the physical one. I think he basically wished I was her for most of our marriage.โ She laughed a little. โIโve never said that out loud to anyone else but Alexis. Itโs embarrassing.โ
โNo, it isnโt. Itโs just poor taste on his part and poor character on hers.โ She nodded, but she didnโt look at me.
โAnyway. Then he proceeded to fuck me over in every way possible. The house was his from before we got married, and my name wasnโt on it. It was his grandmotherโs and he had me sign a prenup for it, so I got nothing there. Half the stuff inside of it was mine. I got awarded that. But they were living there, so it was all tainted and gross and I didnโt want it anymore, so I had to fight him for over a year in court to get a payout for it.โ
Her face had gone flat.
โItโs hard to find out that someone you love is fine with just setting your life on fire and walking away.โ
I studied her face. โI know what you mean. Amy never even tried. We went to one therapy session. She walked out and that was it. Broke up with me.โ
She blinked at me. โThe sameย day?โ
I nodded. โSame day. Never looked back.โ
โWhat the hell happened in that therapy session?โ โI was honest about how unhappy I was.โ
โAnd her response to that was to just give up?โ She shook her head.
I looked away from her. โI felt betrayed for a really long time,โ I said. โAnd then she started dating Jeremiah and I felt betrayed again. And then they got engagedโand I realized that I had surpassed my ability to be hurt more than I already had been.โ
She went quiet for a moment. Then she looked over at me. โYou know what I think about? I think about perfect matches. You know how with an organ donation a perfect match isnโt really perfect? Thereโs still a chance of rejection, even if all the stars align like they did for you and Benny. Nothing
isย everย perfect. Thereโs just matches that have a higher chance of working than others. Maybe you guys were like that. It could have worked, but youโd spend your whole life forcing it.โ
โMaybe. Youโre probably right.โ I glanced at her. โWhat if your perfect match is out there? Youโre not going to look?โ
She scoffed. โItโs too late. Iโm done. Iโve had enough heartache for a lifetime.โ I held her gaze, but she turned away from me.
โAnyway. Is it sad that I want Amy to be jealous?โ she asked. โMaybe Iโm just projecting my own bitterness onto this, but I kind of want her to rue the day she let you go. We need to put out some serious Morticia and Gomez Addams vibes when I meet her. Like we canโt get enough of each other, like we stopped on the way over for a quickie.โ
โI think sheโs a little beyond caring what Iโm doing at this point. But I appreciate your commitment.โ
A door closed somewhere in the house. Stairs creaked and Benny came down the hall.
Briana lit up. โHey, where you going?โ
He stopped on the other side of the coffee table. โJustinโs. He got a PlayStation. Hi, Iโm Benny,โ he said to me with a small wave. โNice to meet you.โ
โJacob. Nice to meet you.โ
He looked better than he did the last time I saw him. He was still frail, but Briana was right, he seemed brighter, more put together.
It was a little strange looking at this person, knowing that in a few months heโd have one of my kidneys in his body. But I didnโt have too much time to ponder this because Briana scooted over and snuggled up next to me.
I couldnโt even breathe.
โWeโre just gonna watch a movie or something,โ she said, putting a hand on my chest. โSet the alarm if you come home after Iโm in bed, okay?โ
โโK. Later.โ He nodded at us and left.
When he shut the door behind him, Briana tipped her head up to smile at me. โHow was that? Was it good?โ Her lips wereย veryย close to mine.
I cleared my throat. โIt was good.โ โYay!โ she said brightly.
Then she moved away from me. โWe need to practice touching before the Amy thing. That way weโre not all stiff and weird.โ
โRight. Good idea.โ
My heart was still pounding. The whole thing flung me into silence.
Briana had rendered me mute, yet again.
I pretended I needed to eat my fries all of a sudden and leaned forward to grab them from the coffee table. We ate without talking while we watched TV and my heart rate finally stabilized.
After a few minutes, she finished her burger and put down her to-go container and wiped her hands with a napkin. Then she pulled her legs up to her chin and put her cheek on her knees and peered at me. โYou know what these silences make me think of?โ she said.
I looked over at her. โWhat?โ
โI always think that when weโre quiet, weโre agreeing to be harmless to each other. That weโre just sharing the same space and letting each other exist exactly as we are, and neither of us would hurt or upset the other one.โ
โHarmless to each other?โ I looked at her earnestly. โI do agree to that.โ She smiled a little.
โGood. I agree to that too.โ