It was almost ten-thirty when Jacob walked me to my door.
“Well, that was a nightmare,” he said, slipping his hands in his pockets. “Thanks for sticking it out.”
“What?” I said, digging in my purse for my keys. “I had so much fun. And I think we did pretty well. I mean, the phrase drop was a little rough.” I pulled out my keys and turned to him. “I think you could work on your transition next time, but I still gave it a solid six out of ten.”
He looked amused.
“Also, those Halloween pictures of you were so cute. I can’t believe you were a mermaid.”
“A mer-man,” he said with mock seriousness. “I was a mer-man.”
I laughed and it made him laugh and his eyes wrinkled at the corners. I liked it when he loosened up. He seemed lighter now that the whole thing was over. He had that relieved, saved-from-a-near-death-experience thing about him.
“Thanks for the potty-training thing,” he said. “Making fun of me is part of the family initiation process, apparently.”
“Yeah, I totally made that up. But contextually it’s true. You are highly intelligent.”
“I want you to know that I have been fully potty trained for quite some time now. I’m pretty proud of it.”
I laughed again and he gave me a bashful smile.
Damn, he was handsome. It seemed cliché, but his smile really did light up a room. Bright and dazzlingly gorgeous—and he didn’t do it a lot. You really had to draw him out and earn it.
I enjoyed earning it.
It occurred to me that if this was a date, I’d be having a really good time.
Like, really good. I’d go home with this one.
Why weren’t guys like this on the dating apps?
But then I knew why. Because Jacob was way too introverted to put himself out there like that. And even if he did, something told me he wasn’t the friends-with-benefits, casual-hookup type—which was the only type I was interested in. His profile would probably say he was looking for a life partner. That he wanted to get married and have kids. I would have swiped left.
But I could still appreciate the view.
“So tomorrow we tell everyone at work,” I said. “I’ll probably do lunch with Jessica to let her know.”
He nodded. “Okay.”
“When do you want to come over and see my house?” He looked at the door. “I can’t see it now?”
“Noooo.” I shook my head. “No no no. I have to clean first.”
And burn some sage, rip up the flooring, and take down the posters from my room that I put up in the eighth grade.
“Okay,” he said again. “How about Friday after work?” “Sure.”
Then we just sort of stood there, looking at each other. The same way we did that day in the sob closet.
Agreeing to be harmless to each other.
The night was warm and still. Frogs and crickets were chirping from somewhere. Moths fluttered in the porch light, and the overgrown lilac bush by the light post that I really needed to deal with was in full bloom.
The porch swing looked sort of inviting. I kind of wanted to ask him to stay and just sit with him a bit and talk. But we both had work in the morning, and he was probably tired from all the peopling. But I could totally hang out with him longer. I liked him.
He glanced at the swing like he was thinking the same thing. Then he cleared his throat and put a thumb over his shoulder. “I should get going.”
“Yeah. Right.” I tucked my hair behind my ear. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” “See you tomorrow.” He paused at the top of the steps a moment like he
was going to say something else. But then he seemed to think better of it and started for the truck.
I crossed my arms as I watched him go. “Jacob?”
He stopped in the walkway and turned back to look at me, those gentle brown eyes.
“Did you really sit at a restaurant for three hours just to talk to me?” He did that thing where he went quiet.
I was starting to realize these pauses were a protective reflex. He always thought about what he was going to say before he said it. Like he was weighing it, deciding what he should reveal.
Jacob was a fortress. And I got the sense he didn’t let people in very often. But it was imperative that I get in. One, to make this all believable to his family. But two, because I wanted in. I really did want to get to know him.
He intrigued me.
What kind of person protects his ex and his little brother from the consequences of their own fucked-up selfish choices? Thinks of his
family’s feelings before he thinks of his own.
Anonymously donates a kidney to a stranger.
Zander had said Jacob would give you the shirt off his back and that whole analogy seemed wildly inadequate now that I knew what Jacob was really like.
He had his own private code of ethics.
I didn’t have that kind of grace. My high road was currently under construction.
But it made me like him so much. And all the stories his family told did too. I wanted to go back in time and hold baby Jacob. Be his friend in high school and tell all his bullies to fuck off. I sort of wanted to tell Jewel to fuck off too…
He waited another beat before replying to my question. “Yes,” he said. “I sat at a restaurant for three hours.”
I shook my head at him. “But…why?”
He fiddled with his keys, looking down at the walkway. “I wanted to talk to you,” he said simply, the same answer he’d given earlier. He looked back up at me and we stood there, peering at each other.
Being harmless to each other.
It didn’t mean anything. I’d wanted to talk to him that day too, and I’d had no agenda. And he was in love with someone else. That was literally why we were here. But it made my stomach do a little twisty thing anyway.
Maybe it twisted because for whatever reason, Jacob liked me. And being liked by Jacob meant something because he was so shy. It’s like when someone’s pet comes to sit with you instead of their person, and you feel like the chosen one. It made me feel a little special, like he saw something in me. Though I couldn’t for the life of me imagine what that was.
“Okay,” I said. “Well, good. I wanted to talk to you too.”
The corner of his lip twitched and he looked down at his shoes. “Good night.”
“Yeah. Good night.”
I watched him get in his truck and drive off before I went inside.
“I thought you hated him,” Jessica said flatly.
We were sitting in the cafeteria at lunch the next day. She had a chicken salad and I was eating a Caesar wrap.
“I think it was just all the sexual tension?” She narrowed her eyes at me.
“Yeah, you know how thin the line is between love and hate? That whole thing? Turns out it’s true. Who knew.”
“I thought you said you’d never date a coworker.” “That was more of a guideline than a rule.”
She pursed her lips and skewered a cherry tomato with her fork and chewed it slowly, eyeing me.
We’d made the official announcement this morning. Told Gibson, who seemed one part surprised by it and one part relieved, because even if he hadn’t slipped about the kidney thing, this now meant Jacob would have told me himself, being my boyfriend and all.
The only person in on the scheme was Zander, who I guess Jacob had talked to about his situation. So I asked Jacob if I could tell my best friend, which he agreed to, since it was only fair.
That was an interesting phone call.
Alexis said it sounded like a romcom and to let her know when I got to the Only One Bed scene.
Jacob’s whole family had sent me Instagram requests. We’d have to start posting pictures of us on there, now that we’d gone public with our “relationship.”
When I got home from work, I started in on the house. Jacob was coming over tomorrow to see my place. Honestly, there wasn’t much I could do about the way it looked. It wasn’t dirty, it was just freakin’ old.
But I could make some improvements on my room. For one, I didn’t need to sleep under the ratty bedspread Mom got me for my fifteenth birthday. The glow-in-the-dark stars could come off the ceiling. I also didn’t need all the Smallville posters hanging everywhere. I’d been seriously obsessed with Tom Welling and in a really creepy way.
I started by taking all those down. The teal paint I’d insisted on when I was fourteen had faded around them from twenty years of sun. All the spots looked horrible, but I didn’t have time to paint. I wanted to buy a new bedspread, but I didn’t have time for that either.
I stood back and looked at my pathetic room and realized how it would look to him. It was embarrassing. It was sad.
I tossed the posters in the trash and gave up. My cell phone pinged as I flopped onto my bed.
Jacob: What’s the dinner plan for tomorrow night?
Me: I don’t know. We can just order DoorDash or something.
…Jacob is typing…
Jacob: I need more information than that.
I called him. He answered immediately.
“What do you have in mind?” I said without saying hello. “I don’t really care. I just like knowing what we’re eating.”
I bet this was his anxiety. He probably felt better when he knew what to prepare for. I filed that away.
“Very well,” I said. “What about Taco Bell.” He groaned. “Do we have to?”
“What? Why not? It’s been ages since I’ve had Taco Bell. Nick used to surprise me with it on his way home. He’d bring it with flowers.”
“Taco Bell? This was his idea of a romantic evening? Everyone getting diarrhea?”
“I happen to like Taco Bell. And just so you know, there is no greater show of love than someone bringing you food without being told. A man who brings you food without you asking is thoughtful and considerate. He’s a natural nurturer, he’s taking care of you. It’s extremely telling. Even if it is Taco Bell.”
“He sounds nice.” “He’s an asshole.” He let out a laugh.
“What do you get from there?” he asked, a chuckle still in his voice. I shrugged. “A chalupa and two Taco Supremes with fire sauce.”
“Those tacos are objectively the worst tacos ever created.” “The heart wants what the heart wants, Jacob.”
There was a smile in the pause. “May I make a counteroffer?” he asked. “You may.”
“Juicy Lucy’s. I’ll pick it up. By the time I get to your place, the cheese will be cool enough to eat.”
This was a key consideration when eating a Juicy Lucy. It was a burger with scalding cheese stuffed inside the patty. They took forever to cool down.
“This could work,” I said.
“Okay. I’ll send you the menu. What else are we going to do?”
I rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling, an ancient brass and faux wood fan directly overhead. “I don’t know. Watch TV? It’s going to be very casual. I’m going to be in my pajamas. I will not be wearing makeup or a bra, so don’t come overdressed. You can bring Lieutenant Dan if you want, the cat isn’t afraid of dogs.”
“All right.”
“I need to warn you, my house is very ugly.” “Noted,” he said. “Where do I park?”
“In front of the garage behind the small car stall.”
“Okay. You’re not upset I’m not bringing the diarrhea food, right?”
“I am very upset. But whenever I’m mad at you, just pull the kidney card.”
He laughed and we hung up.
Then a minute later he sent me a picture of Lieutenant Dan. His tongue was lolled out and he looked like he was smiling. I grinned. I replied with a blurry photo of Cooter streaking through the hallway in one of his rare daytime appearances since the move. He still hid most of the time.
Jacob sent a cat heart-eye emoji. That was the last I heard from him for the night.
The next day Jacob and I were the only two attendings on the ER floor, which meant we couldn’t take our lunches together since there was nobody to babysit the residents. He did however leave me a letter around noon, next to my charting computer, taped to a brown paper bag.
Dearest Briana,
There is no accounting for your poor taste. But the heart wants what the heart wants.
Sincerely, Jacob
I opened the bag. It was Taco Bell.
I barked out a laugh and looked up to see him across the ER watching me with a smile. I blew him a kiss and he pretended to catch it—a very uncharacteristically playful move by Jacob standards. It cracked me up. Several nurses and a few patients made awwwwwww noises.
We were doing a wonderful job looking like we were in love. Everyone was eating this up.
I left him a note on his computer after I took my break.
If I’m in the bathroom later while you’re over, just know that I died eating what I love. And also that you are an enabler.
Regards, Briana
He’d even gotten me fire sauce.
