He’s on probation for hitting me, but he acts like it’s a big joke.

He’s been arrested four times, but he always gets off.

I called the police and reported that he violated the restraining order, but they said since he didn’t get violent or threatening this time, the violation is too minor for them to do anything about it.

The D.A. wants me to testify, but there’s no way I’m going in that courthouse again. Last time his defense attorney humiliated me; it’s just not worth it.

The judge told me that we should go to couples counseling to work on our relationship issues.

He’s been sending me scary letters from jail. What should I do?

LURKING BENEATH THE SURFACE of most women’s experience of abuse is

fear: fear of what he will do if you stand up to him; fear of how he will react if he finds out you’ve been spending time with your friends, whom he hates; fear of what he might do to one of your children; fear that he will get you pregnant again; fear of how he may retaliate if you try to leave him.

Sometimes a woman can describe to me what she is afraid of, because her partner’s bullying and cruelty follow a pattern. You may dread his

insults and his rage or his contempt and disgust. If he is violent, you may get shaky when images go through your mind of his twisted, hate-filled face as he slams his fists. At times it may seem like he could kill you—and he may threaten to.

In other cases, the fear is unnameable. You might find yourself saying to a friend: “I don’t know what he’ll do; there’s no way to tell with him, but he’ll do something, and it’s going to be bad.” Waiting for the punishment can be even harder when you don’t know what it will be. Even the abuser who has never used violence knows that there can always be a first time— and he may well be aware that you know that too. So he looks for ways,

perhaps explicit or perhaps enigmatic, to remind you not to “push him too far,” because you won’t want to see what happens.

The impact of fear accumulates over time. The twentieth time a loved one scares you is not the same as the first. You become enraged, or

paralyzed, or numb, or all of those at the same time. You feel like it’s harder and harder to figure out what to do.

If your partner is physically frightening or sexually assaultive, one option you can consider to gain protection for your rights and safety is to

use the legal system. You can call the police to report an assault or a threat, or go to a court and ask for a restraining order (which also may be known as a “protective order” or “peace bond”). The restraining order may require the abuser to move out of the house, even if it is in his name; to stay away from you; or to have no contact with you of any kind, depending on what arrangement you feel you need.

The first time a woman considers involving the police or courts in her relationship, something inside her rebels. This is a man she loves, or at least once loved, with whom she has a history, with whom she has shared the

highs and lows of moments of physical or emotional intimacy, with whom she may have children. She thinks to herself incredulously, I am going to get a court order against this man? I am going to call the police and let

them arrest him? I am going to cause him to have a criminal record, or perhaps even go to jail?? She shuts these preposterous-seeming

possibilities out of her mind. Relationship problems are solved by talking,

or by seeking counseling, or by taking some time apart, she tells herself, not by using laws and judges and police departments.

But if the woman’s partner continues to frighten her—and it is unusual for scary behavior to stop once it rears its head—sooner or later she finds herself feeling that the situation has gone beyond what she can handle herself. The step of reaching out for legal help then stops seeming so farfetched.

Or she may become involved with the legal system without making the choice. Neighbors, bystanders, or her own children may call the police during a scary incident. Neighbors are much less likely nowadays to put their hands over their ears and pretend that nothing is happening; the traditional belief that domestic violence is a “private matter” is rapidly fading. Schools now teach children how to use 911 and sometimes even explain to children that they have a right to safety inside their homes, not just outside.

A woman who faces purely verbal or economic abuse from her partner, without the elements of physical assault, sexual assault, or physical intimidation, generally does not have recourse to the police or courts under current laws. The impact on her of her partner’s behavior may be severe nonetheless, but she will need to seek other sources of support, beginning with the nearest program for abused women.

 

Question 17:

How come he keeps getting away with it?

 

THE DIFFERENT PLAYERS IN THE LEGAL SYSTEM

A call to the police or a visit to the court to seek a restraining order is a courageous and potentially empowering step. But an abused woman can

also encounter some nasty surprises. Although the legal system is supposed to be her friend and protector, sometimes public officials seem to forget their job. Legal responses to abuse involve many players, each of whom has the potential to help the woman—or to drop the ball. When police are called to your home, they have a responsibility to make sure that you and your children are safe and to arrest the abuser if he has been violent or threatening. If he has violated a restraining order, the police should take him

away even if he “only committed a technical violation” of the order or has some “good reason” for being there, such as asserting that you called him up and asked him to come over, or that he just wanted to drop off gifts for the children.

If the police do not arrest the abuser, or were never called, responsibility next falls to the court to file a charge. If you report to the court that you

were assaulted or threatened, or that your partner broke a restraining order, your word is evidence. Courts can, and do, file charges on the basis of victim reports alone, but tragically they can be reluctant to do so in cases of domestic abuse or sexual assault. Courts reserve a special skepticism toward women who complain of abuse by a partner, and disparaging biases against females are still the rule of the day in some courts—even among

female employees.

If the court does file a charge, the baton then passes to the district attorney. His or her job is to take the crime just as seriously as if it had been committed by a stranger and to pursue a conviction just as assiduously. The fact that the accused is your partner should make no difference or should actually lead the prosecutor to consider the offense more dangerous.

Negotiations between the prosecutor and the abuser that fail to address the central issue of abuse—such as agreeing to reduce the charges if the abuser sees a therapist, or dropping the charges because the couple has split up “so it’s not an issue anymore”—have no place here. But they sometimes creep in.

Next comes the judge, who not only makes sentencing decisions but, unless there is a jury trial, also is the one ruling on the man’s guilt or innocence. Will the judge apply the same standards of proof used for other cases, or will he or she require a higher standard for domestic violence or sexual assault cases? Studies have shown that it is harder to convince

judges and juries to convict in abuse cases, because of prejudices against the complainants as well as misconceptions about what “type” of man would commit such a crime.

A judge is also the one who grants or denies a restraining order to protect the woman. Some judges listen carefully to plaintiffs’ concerns, whereas others assume that women are lying and exaggerating. A

remarkable number of judges grant restraining orders to abusers to use against their victims or grant mutual orders, which validate the abuser’s claim that his partner shares responsibility for causing his scary behavior.

And finally comes the probation department at the court. It is rare for an abuser to spend time in jail unless he is on his third or fourth conviction, which typically would mean five or ten or more arrests. So his probation officer becomes the person who determines whether or not the abuser feels the bite of consequences or is left to coast. I have worked with probation officers who send abusers an unequivocal message: “Domestic abuse is a

serious offense. I will not permit you to get away with blaming your victim in any way, and it is up to you to do some serious work on yourself.” But I have also worked with many others who buddy up to the abuser with a wink and a nod, who bond with him in the belief that there exists an anti-male

bias in the court system and who signal him that he needn’t take the abuser program seriously by saying things such as: “Just show up to your required number of group meetings and we’ll get you right off probation.”

The front doors of police departments and courthouses sometimes open into cold and adversarial worlds. Police and courts may have little training in how to respond to a person who has suffered chronic or terrifying abuse. Even if they don’t say or do anything unkind, their brusque, businesslike manner can feel like an icy slap in the face to a woman who seeks relief from psychological assault and intimidation at home. And too often, regrettably, they share the abuser’s attitudes. I could not possibly count the number of women who have said to me: “I wish those people down at the court could live my life for a day and see what it’s like.”

On the other hand a kind word, a useful pamphlet, some patient listening can touch an abused woman deeply. Increasingly I hear women say: “The police who came were so nice to me: They talked to me in private and asked me what happened, and they told me about programs where I could get help,” or “The judge said not to hesitate to come back if there

were more problems or if I needed additional protection.” When an abused woman encounters humane, intelligent responses from officials who are informed on the subject of abuse, not only is her external freedom promoted but her inner feelings are validated, helping to keep her spirit alive. She

walks away thinking, Maybe everything isn’t the way he says it is. Maybe

some people do care. Maybe I’m not so bad as to deserve being torn down all the time. Maybe he can’t fool everybody.” And the budding belief that

life can be filled with something other than cruelty and superiority grows a little stronger inside her.

In the pages ahead, we will look at how the abuser views and

maneuvers through the legal system, trying to prevent his partner from receiving empowering assistance and striving to avoid accountability. Armed with this awareness, both individuals and communities are in a better position to press the police, courts, and prosecutors to do their jobs properly and become part of the solution rather than part of the problem of abuse.

HOW THE ABUSER THINKS ABOUT LAWS AND CONSEQUENCES

My clients support laws that prohibit domestic abuse—as long as they are applied only to other men. Each one has a mental image of what a “real

abuser” is like, and it isn’t him. In his mind, the “real abuser” is more violent and scary than he is and has a partner who is “a nice lady” who doesn’t deserve abuse. Dozens of my clients have said to me: “I’m not like those guys who come home and abuse their partners for no reason, you

know.” A man who minimizes and excuses his abuse in these ways is shocked when the police arrest him or when a court orders him to vacate his home. He feels outraged at the unfairness of the system. He thinks, With all those horrible batterers out there, why are they coming after me? This is ridiculous!

Since he can’t accept the idea that he is abusive, he has to find something wrong with everyone else—another example of the abuser seeing his dirty face and washing the mirror. His thinking is rife with distortions, including the following:

• “She really exaggerated what I did.”

  His first line of mental defense is to impugn her honesty and accuse her of being calculating: “She told the police I punched her in the face, because she knew that would make me look like a real bad guy. I only slapped her,

  and no harder than she slaps me.” My response to such statements is to say that just because she remembers the incident differently doesn’t mean her version is wrong and his is right; in fact, abused women typically have

  memories of what occurred that are clearer and more accurate than those of the abuser, because of the hyperalert manner in which people react to any danger. And even if this time he is technically right that his hand was open,

  what difference does it make? He obviously hit her hard enough to make her think that she was punched, so he is not a candidate for my sympathy. Besides, even if it was a slap, that’s enough to hurt a woman and put her in fear.

• “The judge didn’t even want to hear about what she did. In court the man is automatically wrong, so the woman can do whatever she wants.”

  The abuser feels justified in using intimidation “when it’s really called for,” so he gets frustrated if he finds that court officials do not find his excuses about her behavior compelling or don’t even want to hear them. He feels that if the court is going to take action against him for intimidating her, then it should simultaneously crack down on her for hanging around with friends of hers whom he dislikes, talking back to him when he tells her to shut up, fighting back physically when he is assaulting or threatening her, or whatever his grievances may be.

• “The system is controlled by women.”

  Every aspect of the multipronged legal system even today is dominated by males: police, prosecutors, judges, probation officers. In addition, the state legislatures that make the laws are still disproportionately male. So how

  does the abuser come to the far-fetched conclusion that women are

  somehow lurking in the shadows, pulling strings to cause him to suffer

  consequences for his actions when he thinks there shouldn’t be any? This absurd leap occurs for two reasons. One is that he already has well- entrenched habits of blaming women for his own behavior. So when society sends him the message that he is responsible for what he does, he just

  widens the scope of his blame-projecting machine to target all women. The second is that if he didn’t blame women, he would have to accept the fact that a large proportion of men are opposed to what he is doing. Cultural

  values are changing, slowly but surely, and abusers cannot always count on other men to back them up anymore—a fact that makes them feel betrayed so they close their eyes to it.

• “I’ve never experienced any consequences for my abuse before. It isn’t going to suddenly happen now.”

  Once the abuser recovers from his initial shock at legal intrusion into his

  private domain, he falls back on one of his core assumptions, which is that

  he can get away with it. He starts manipulating court officials the same way he manipulates his partner and the people around her. Unfortunately, his

  sense of invulnerability is not as deluded as it may seem; abusers slide by in ways that can be startling to watch. And the abuser who coasts through court is often worse than he would have been had he never been arrested; he feels that his belief that nothing can stick to him has been confirmed, and he feels vindicated before the world, with the result that his abusive behavior may escalate.

• “Nothing is going to stop me.”

  This last attitude is less pervasive, belonging to that minority of abusers who are unimpressed by legal consequences and who will stop at nothing to maintain their control of their partners. This style of man finds ways to be

  abusive and controlling even from jail, either sending letters or relaying

  messages through friends to keep her frightened. Jail doesn’t convince him that he has done anything wrong; it just sharpens his appetite for revenge. Abused women, and the communities that support them, need to be alert to the need to take additional steps to prepare for the eventual release of the hell-bent abuser.

  Keep the above attitudes in mind as we observe the abuser’s approach to the various legal situations he faces; his moves follow predictably from this thinking.

  WHEN THE POLICE COME TO THE DOOR

  Anyone who believes that abusers lose control of themselves should peer through the window when the police enter a home. Hundreds of women

  have told me: “It’s as if he could flick a switch. The police arrive, and he’s suddenly cool as a cucumber. Meanwhile, I’m freaking out, so of course they think something is wrong with me. They don’t believe he could settle down that fast.” If abusers truly had tremendous problems managing their anger, if they were as emotionally vulnerable or deeply injured from childhood as they often maintain, they wouldn’t be able to shut themselves off like a faucet as soon as a cop knocks on the door.

  Abusers tell stories to the police of hard luck and misunderstanding, of unstable or drunk women and helpless, well-intentioned men who are trying

  to fend off disaster. The most common routines are variations on the following themes:

• “It was just a verbal argument, there was no hitting.”

  He hopes that the police will ignore any signs of chairs knocked over, plates smashed, or scratches on her arms (or his). He assumes his partner will be too scared to tell the truth or that she’ll feel responsible for protecting him.

• “She was hitting me over and over again while I tried to get out of the apartment, and all I did was push her out of my way so I could get out.”

  How many women want to keep an enraged man trapped indoors? Not many, unless perhaps the man is threatening to commit suicide or to attack one of her friends or relatives. In the rare cases where a client of mine is telling the truth that his egress was blocked, he still had other options

  besides assault, including going out the back door. I’ve never yet had a man tell me that he was unable to get to the phone to call for assistance, for example, in the way that has happened to hundreds of the female partners of my clients.

  Countless clients of mine claim self-defense as an excuse, but then they admit that they were not frightened or injured by their partners nor was the woman able to successfully control their movements or keep them from saying whatever they wanted. It’s payback, not self-defense. Among the two thousand clients I have had, I can think of only one who genuinely had a problem with serious violence on his wife’s part that was not a reaction to violence, and even he was not especially afraid of her.

• “She was drunk and was going out to drive, and I was just trying to get the keys away from her.”

  This excuse is a tricky one, because abused women sometimes do develop alcohol or drug problems, usually because of the abuser’s behavior.

  However, her addiction is no excuse to abuse her further. Unfortunately, if a woman is visibly intoxicated when the police come, they may feel inclined to believe the abuser and discredit her. If I ask a few questions, though, I usually find out that the reason she was trying to leave the house was that

  he had been on a mounting verbal rampage that day, and she was trying to get away from a physical assault that she could tell was coming soon.

• “She said that if I didn’t give her more money, she’d call the police and say that I hit her.”

  I have heard this story from so many of my clients that I find myself wondering if they are all graduates of the same Abuse Academy. I have yet to encounter a case in which there turned out to be any truth to this claim, even when the man was asserting at first that he had witnesses.

• “I just stepped in to protect our child from her abuse.”

  Again, a situation in which a nonabusive man had to take physical steps to protect a child from an assaultive mother could truly arise, but he would do so by removing the child, not by assaulting the mother.

  Carrying false allegations of domestic violence all the way through to a conviction is extraordinarily hard to do. If a vindictive woman really wants to stick it to a man, there are ways to do it that are more satisfying, less time consuming, and far less prone to failure. There isn’t the slightest evidence that rates of false allegations for domestic abuse are higher than for any other kind of crime. In fact, research suggests that they may be lower.

  When an abuser is accused of violating a restraining order, he has another set of explanations ready, including:

• “It’s just a coincidence that we were there at the same time. I had no idea she would be present.”

  In determining the legitimacy of this excuse, I have noticed that men who are determined to obey their restraining orders always seem to find ways to stay away from the woman, whereas other abusers seem to “just by

  accident” keep violating the order over and over again.

• “I didn’t realize I wasn’t allowed to even send a letter.”

  Even when this excuse is true, it shows the man’s contempt for both his partner and for the court, since it means he didn’t bother to read the order. And he doesn’t need an attorney to analyze the statement “Do not contact the plaintiff.”

• “I just called to speak to the children because I miss them terribly. I haven’t had visitation with them in two months.”

No excuse pulls heartstrings down at the police department and courthouse quite the way this one does. Several of my clients who have used this

excuse actually did have visitation rights but were choosing not to use them because they didn’t like the terms. They stated: “If I can only see them one afternoon a week, or if I have to see them with a supervisor, I’m not going to see them at all.” So much for the devoted fathers they claim to be.

Even in cases where the mother or the court has indeed denied the abuser visitation, he knows perfectly well what he is doing when he calls the home and the feelings of fear and invasion it will cause the mother. If his concern for his children is as profound as he claims, he can prove it by doing what his children need from him the most—deal seriously with his abuse problem.

WHEN THE POLICE go to a home on a domestic-abuse call, the woman sometimes scrambles to cover for her abusive partner. Consider her

position: She knows that in a few minutes the police will leave her house and she will remain there alone, either with the abuser or without him. If the police do arrest him, it is only a matter of time until he is released—and angrier than ever. She calculates that her safest position is beside her partner; if she teams up with him, he might not rip her to pieces when the

police car disappears up the street. Even if she called for help herself, she wasn’t necessarily looking for an arrest; most women call to get a scary

experience to stop. They want the police to calm the man down and typically would like him removed from the home for the night. But jail, even just for a day or two? Few women would want to see that happen unless they have suffered a long history of abuse by him.

At the same time, women are noticeably more likely to tell the truth to the police than they were fifteen years ago. Although the abuser may say, “You put me in jail!”, the reality is that he put himself there, and an

increasing number of people are beginning to understand this crucial point. Why should you have to suffer abuse to protect him from the pain or humiliation of being locked up? He knows what he needs to change in order to keep the police from being called the next time. It’s on him.

I am not recommending that you stand by idly while the police arrest your partner if you fear that he may kill you when he gets out. Every woman has to make her own decisions based on what she knows about the

status of her own safety; you are the expert on your own partner. You may know from your experience that the legal system is not going to be able to control his behavior and that you will have to seek alternate strategies for safety, such as planning an escape.

SHOULD I GET A RESTRAINING ORDER?

Throughout almost all of the United States and Canada, a woman who is being physically abused, sexually assaulted, or physically threatened by an intimate partner or ex-partner has the option to seek an order of protection from a court to keep the abuser away from her. (Purely psychological abuse without these elements of threat or assault is generally not covered under

the laws governing protective orders.) In some areas there are important gaps in eligibility, however, such as states where a woman cannot get an

order against a lesbian partner who is abusing her or cannot get an order if

she has never lived with or been married to the abuser. There are also places where, regrettably, the woman is required to pay a substantial fee in order to obtain the order. Call either the courthouse or your local program for abused women to find out whether you are eligible to seek an order and what the

process is for obtaining one.

The question of whether and when to obtain a restraining order is a complex one that no one can answer for you. Consider the following points in making your decision:

1. Is he afraid of the police, courts, or jail? If he is, the restraining order may keep him away from you. But if he has no fear, the order may incite him to get scarier than ever. I have had clients who responded to a restraining order as a red flag waved in front of a bull.
2. Is your main concern that he will intimidate you, attempt to hit you, or hassle you verbally, or are you afraid he will do something even more serious, such as attempt to kill you? Restraining orders can be helpful for stopping harassment and nonlethal assault but may not be worth a great deal in stopping an abuser whose

   intentions are murderous. If you fear the worst, it is important to

   take multiple steps to protect your safety (see “Safety Planning” in

   Chapter 9), which can include a restraining order as one aspect of a larger plan, and even then only if you think it will contribute to your safety.

3. Are the police and courts in your area supportive? Are they likely to take serious action if he violates the order? Will they believe you if you report a violation to them? A restraining order can do more harm than good if the legal system is not prepared to back you up.

I have seen cases where restraining orders have contributed greatly to women’s safety and peace of mind and have helped immeasurably in women’s efforts to move on with their lives and be free. But each abusive man is different. I have been involved in cases where the woman regretted getting the order because it made her life even scarier. If possible, speak with an advocate for abused women before making a decision about seeking an order. And whether or not you choose to request a restraining order, also make sure to take other steps to protect your safety. A restraining order should be one part of a larger safety plan (see “Leaving an Abuser Safely” in Chapter 9).

IF THEY DO ARREST HIM, WHAT THEN?

Once an abuser is released from jail following arraignment, he typically devotes his efforts to achieving the following goals: (1) persuading the

woman to drop the charges and not to testify if charges do proceed; and(2) receiving the lightest possible consequence from the court.

One of my early clients, a large biker named Phil, introduced me to many of the tactics that predominate during this period. He joined my abuser group voluntarily following an arrest for assaulting his girlfriend, Betty. He was fairly unpleasant in the early weeks of his participation,

because of his arrogance and his “I don’t give a damn about anything” posture. But he softened as the weeks went by and began to make

appropriate comments to other group members about their abuse. Betty reported that she was seeing a side of Phil that had disappeared for several years: He was calmer, he was listening to her more when she talked, and he was walking away from arguments instead of frightening her. Even more important to her was that he had stopped by her sister’s house one afternoon

and made an effort to begin mending fences after two years of refusing to talk to her and insisting that she was a “bitch.” And Betty was happy to hear that his attendance at and participation in our program were good.

Two things had happened, however, that left Betty confused. One day they had gotten into a tense argument, which had been uncommon lately, and he had yelled at her: “I have all these court hassles now because you decided to go and call the fucking police on me.” This jab didn’t seem to be consistent with the remorse he was showing on other days. However, he apologized the next day and referred to his own behavior as “backsliding.” A couple of weeks later, in another tense exchange, he said to Betty in a low growl, “If you go forward with testifying against me, you are going to be really sorry.” Later he insisted that he had just meant that she would feel guilty for treating him “like a criminal,” but Betty continued to feel that he had meant something more.

By the date of his hearing, Phil had put more than three good months together in a row. Betty reported this change in him to the judge, and Phil described his involvement in our program, saying that he had accepted that he had a problem he needed to work on. The judge was impressed that Phil had gotten into counseling on his own initiative without waiting for the court to mandate his attendance. The charges were dismissed.

Phil and Betty walked down the courthouse steps together before heading off toward their separate cars. As they parted, Phil gave a smile that looked more like a sneer and said, “Well, I guess that’s it for Mr. Nice

Guy.” And he meant it. He never set foot in his abuser group again and overnight reverted to his habitual mistreatment of Betty.

After watching a steady trickle of clients in our program follow in Phil’s footsteps, we finally adopted a policy of not allowing men to join our program between an arrest and the date of the court disposition. We didn’t want to be another tool used by abusers to manipulate their partners and

escape legal consequences.

Women often berate themselves for not following through with prosecution. A woman may say to me: “What an idiot I was. I don’t know why the hell I believed his promises. I should have gone ahead and testified. Now look at the mess I’m in.” If you have had occasion to dump on yourself in this fashion, stop for a moment and consider: Why is it your fault that he is so persuasive, that he knows so well how to muddle your mind, that he has collected information over the years about your

vulnerabilities and knows how to play them? How are you to blame for how manipulative he is? The reason it takes so long to figure out an abuser is that he knows how to keep himself hidden in constantly shifting shadows. If abusers were so easy to figure out, there would be no abused women.

In counties where abused women find a court system that is well trained in abuse and sensitive to their circumstances, and where victim advocates

are actively involved, 80 percent or more go forward with testifying. If you can’t stand dealing with a system that doesn’t understand your needs, that isn’t a shortcoming of yours. Also, remember that your decision to drop a restraining order or criminal charges doesn’t mean you can’t try again to

use legal protections in the future (although you may encounter prejudice against you from the police or the courts if you have started actions and dropped them in the past).

THE COURT HANDS DOWN A SENTENCE

My physically violent clients seem to have nine lives when it comes to staying out of jail. Through dozens of interactions I have had over the years with probation officers, magistrates, prosecutors, and judges, it has become clear to me that courts have been regrettably slow to free themselves of the beliefs that any man is “bound to lose it sooner or later if his wife pushes him far enough,” that “alcohol is what really causes partner abuse,” or that “women frequently exaggerate partner abuse out of hysteria or

vindictiveness.” These persistent attitudes can dovetail with the abusive man’s native ability to lie convincingly and elicit sympathy.

Sentences for the violence that men do to their wives or girlfriends are shorter on average than those they receive for assaults on strangers, even though partner violence causes more serious injuries and deaths than male- on-male fights do. Courts don’t want to send abusers to jail, because they consider them a special class of offenders who deserve unusual compassion and because they often accept victim-blaming justifications for men’s violence.

Old attitudes die hard. A few years ago, a judge approached me after a judicial training session I had given and said, “All right, I understand about these men who beat their partners black and blue, who punch them in the

face and put them in the hospital. But how about the guy who just gives his

wife a push or a shove once in a while? I can’t treat him like he’s a batterer. You didn’t explain what judges should do in those cases.” I attempted to explain how shocking and intimidating a man’s shove can be to a woman, but I could tell his mind was already closed.

I’ve seen judges who were worse than this one, who seem angrier at the woman for reporting the violence than they are at the man for perpetrating it. But I have worked with others who look carefully at the evidence, listen respectfully to all parties, and make a decision based on fact instead of prejudice. In cases where the man is found guilty, they speak to him in strong terms about the seriousness of his offense, reject his excuses, and

impose a punishment that fits the crime.

I have spoken with judges who like to give an abuser a strong verbal admonition instead of imposing some sanctions, in the belief that a stern warning from a judge can make an abuser realize that he has to stop. But in reality, the man considers the judge’s lecture a joke if no sentence comes with it. He puts on a chastised expression for the court but then smiles all

the way home, smug and empowered. I see the emboldening effects of such court dates on my clients.

I am not an advocate of long sentences for abusers, however. Abusers spend much of their time in jail brooding over their grievances against the abused women and plotting their revenge. Men’s jails do not help them to overcome their oppressive attitudes toward women; in fact, they are among the more anti-female environments on the planet. Yet courts are going to

have to overcome their reluctance to send abusers to jail if they ever want them to sit up and take notice. A short jail sentence, combined with a long postjail period of probation and participation in an abuser program, can

provide powerful motivation for an abuser to deal with his problem. Jail time involving at least a few weekends—so that the man can continue bringing in income for his family—should be imposed on his first conviction for any offense related to domestic abuse. Each subsequent

offense should lead to a longer sentence and a higher fine than the previous one, following the principle of “staircased” sentencing that is often applied to drunk driving. Unfortunately, this type of approach is rare at present.

An important part of the sentence for any man convicted of domestic

abuse should be an extended period—not less than a year—of participation in a specialized abuser program. The abuser program cannot be replaced by psychotherapy or anger management, as those services are not designed to

address the range of behaviors that make up abuse and the core attitudes that drive them (see Chapter 3). In Chapter 14, we will examine how a competent abuser program works and how to evaluate the strengths and weaknesses of a particular program in your area.

THE ABUSER ON PROBATION

I used to supervise an excellent young abuse counselor named Patrick. He was fiery and courageous, but both he and the group clients were always aware of his youth—he was twenty-three and looked about nineteen—and his small size. We assumed that sooner or later one of the more violent

abusers would try to intimidate him. Sure enough, one day when Patrick was laying down the law with a client about his disruptive behavior in the group, the man demanded that Patrick “step outside” so that they could

fight. His body posture demonstrated how much he relished the opportunity to use his fists. Patrick politely declined the offer, however, and told the abuser to leave the room. The client considered his options and decided to storm out without hitting anyone.

We reported the incident to the court and waited to see how quickly this man would be jailed for threatening the counselor at his court-mandated

abuse program. Imagine our astonishment when we heard from the chief probation officer two weeks later that she had called the man in to give him “some strong talk” and then had instructed him to enroll in another abuser program. In other words, his “consequence” was that he got out of

completing our program. I had a similar experience with the same court in a case where we suspected that one of our clients was abusing his prescription pain medication. We requested permission to speak to the prescribing doctor, but the client refused. His probation officer was soon ringing my telephone and sputtering angrily that a client’s prescription medication was none of our business. The probation officer then proceeded to declare to me unabashedly that his pain medication was prescribed by the same doctor. (No wonder he didn’t want us examining the matter too closely.)

My clients have no problem figuring out whether or not their probation officers consider domestic abuse a serious crime. Each man tries out his

excuses and justifications to see how fertile the ground is; the more space

the probation officer gives him for whining and victim blaming, the less strict he knows the supervision will be. The probation officer’s attitude regarding domestic violence is, in turn, largely a reflection of the tone set by the chief probation officer, just as I have observed to be true in police departments. When I work with courts that have pro-victim probation departments, the majority of men they refer cooperate with my program and complete all the requirements. But when the sympathies of the probation department lie primarily with the abuser—as seemed to be true in the court described above—the men present recurring behavior, attitude, and

attendance problems, and I have to keep kicking guys out of the program for noncooperation. Why? Because they have already figured out that getting terminated isn’t likely to lead to serious consequences at that court, so they would rather not put up with an abuser program that challenges them.

When an abuser finds that he can manipulate or bond with his probation officer, he not only paints a twisted picture of the abused woman but also

employs his divide-and-conquer strategy with respect to the abuser program. “I know what I did was wrong,” he says, “and I really want to work on myself. But over at the abuse group they don’t help us change; they just tell us that we’re terrible people and everything we say is wrong. They just hate men over there, and they take it out on us.” The probation officer then calls me to relay the man’s complaint. My response has always been: “Come over some night and sit in on two or three of our groups.

You’ll see for yourself what we offer.” One probation officer did in fact visit a few groups and then started attending regularly once per month. He caught on quickly to what a patient and educational approach we actually take with abusers, and he became impossible to manipulate after that.

The abuser’s distortions regarding the abuser program follow the same lines of his thinking about his partner. If I tell a loquacious client that he

can’t dominate the entire group discussion and needs to be quiet for a while, he tells his probation officer, “The counselors say we can only listen and

we’re not allowed to talk at all.” If I set limits on a man’s disruptiveness in the group, he turns in his seat, drops his head like a victim, and says sarcastically, “Right, I get it: We’re always wrong, and the women are

always right.” If I terminate a man from the program after three warnings for inappropriate behavior, he says, “If we don’t tell you exactly what you want to hear, you kick us out, and you don’t give anyone a second chance.”

His twisted reports on our statements provide important glimpses into how he discredits his partner at home—and why she may feel so angry, frustrated, and ready to scream.

EFFORTS TO BOND

As the abuser encounters each new player in the legal system, he tries to

make a personal connection. With men he relies on “male bonding,” making jokes about women or seeking sympathy based on anti-female stereotypes. With women he experiments with flattery and flirtatiousness, or tries to learn private details of people’s lives so that he can show concern with

statements such as: “I heard your daughter has been sick. How is she

doing?” The unspoken message running through these efforts is: “See, I’m not an abuser, I’m just a likable, ordinary person like you, and I want to be your friend.” My clients attempt to run the same routines at the abuser program, so I come to know them well.

USING THE LEGAL SYSTEM FOR HIS OWN PURPOSES

Over the fifteen years I have worked with abusive men, I have seen my

clients become increasingly shrewd at getting the police and the courts to work on their behalf. Abused women are arrested much more commonly than when I began, as abusers have learned to use their own injuries from a fight to support claims of victimization. I find that the more violent an

abusive man is, the more likely he is to come out of a fight with some injuries of his own, as his terrified partner kicks, swings her arms, and

scratches in her efforts to get away from him. But some police take a look at the abuser’s injuries and say: “Well, we’re going to arrest her, because he’s got scratches.”

Abusers have also learned to rush to the court for restraining orders

before their partners get a chance to do so and sometimes scoop up custody of their children in the process. It would be difficult to find anyone more self-satisfied than the man who repeatedly assaults his partner verbally or physically and then has the pleasure of handing her a court order that bars her from the residence. And of course the shock to the woman of discovering that the court has kicked her when she was already down can

propel her several more yards in the direction of resignation and bitterness. But, fortunately, the story need not end there for the abused woman.

SURVIVING THE LEGAL SYSTEM

Despite the confidence and superiority of abusers and the regressive

attitudes of some police and court officials that still persist, tremendous

progress has been made in the legal system’s response to domestic abuse. Hundreds of thousands of women per year succeed in obtaining orders of protection from courts, and a large proportion of those orders accomplish what the woman is seeking: restoration of her safety and a desperately

needed break from the abuser. Many states now mandate the police to arrest abusers in domestic-abuse cases, and district attorneys often are diligent in pursuing convictions.

If you choose to use the police or courts for protection—or if you are cast into the legal system because of a call made by a neighbor or relative— here are some principles to tuck away in your survival kit:

• Ask for help, ask for help, ask for help.

  I can’t say it enough. Dealing with the police and courts can leave you feeling isolated, afraid, and disempowered. Some women decide, after getting a taste of this cold and sometimes hostile system, that they will never reach out for official assistance again. One antidote is to draw upon every resource available to you. Is there a program for abused women near you that provides advocates to accompany women to court? Does the county employ victim/witness advocates, and are they available at the

  courthouse? Is there a friend or relative who could accompany you to request a restraining order? Does your police department have a specially trained domestic-violence officer with whom you could discuss your case? Remember, anyone who specializes in “domestic violence” is there to help you deal with a scary or intimidating partner, even if he has never hit you. Involve as many of these people in your case as possible; emotional and logistical support can make an immense difference.

• Cooperate with the prosecution unless it is too dangerous for you to do so.

  Multiple studies have demonstrated that abusers who are prosecuted are more likely to stop their violence than those who are not. If your partner suddenly seems serious about changing, it is not a reason to drop legal action; on the contrary, it is another reason to continue it. Court involvement will help give him the structure and incentives he needs to

  carry through with his good intentions. Without that extra push, an abuser’s thoughts of change almost always fade with time.

  Some women say to me: “But if I go forward with testifying, he is going to be furious, and then he’ll never be willing to look at his problem.” This is a common misconception: You cannot get an abuser to change by begging or pleading. The only abusers who change are the ones who

  become willing to accept the consequences of their actions; if he is unrelentingly angry about prosecution, you can be 100 percent sure that he wouldn’t have worked on himself anyhow. You also may be concerned that a criminal conviction will burden him with a humiliating stigma and make it harder for him to find jobs in the future. However, few employers do criminal record checks, and even fewer turn down a man because of an

  offense related to domestic abuse. As for the stigma, he needs it; he may seem to have snapped out of his denial for the moment, but you will be surprised by how quickly he leaps back into it once the threat of court action has passed.

• Avoid dropping a restraining order.

  Stay away from your partner until the court order expires, even if you are missing him very much and he seems like a completely different person. Courts unfortunately often develop prejudices against women who seek restraining orders and then drop them, just as police and prosecutors can look negatively upon a woman who does not want to go through with testifying. I understand the fear you may have that he will do something extreme if you don’t back off, the challenge of surviving without his

  financial support (especially if you have children), the pressure you may be getting from other people to give him another chance, and numerous other weights on your shoulders. But courts sometimes do not consider these

  issues and can be reluctant to assist a woman the next time she reaches out for help. Stick with it through the whole period unless your situation

  becomes too dangerous.

• Don’t give up prematurely.

  Most police departments have some officers who handle domestic abuse cases well and some who don’t, just as most courts have judges who hold abusers accountable and others who let them skate. Just because things

  went badly this time doesn’t mean they always will. Some abusers get sick of dealing with the legal system after awhile, and some public officials

  decide to finally take action if a case erupts in front of them enough times.

  There are exceptions to what I have just said, however. You may know for a fact that in your community legal recourse is stacked against you. If

  the abuser is on the police force or has close buddies who are, calling 911 can make things worse rather than better. If the abuser is a judge—and I

  have talked to a few women who were in this sad circumstance—relief may not be available at the courthouse. There is a point at which it does make

  sense to scrap the legal system and start considering what other strategies you might try. Begin always with a call to an abuse hotline.

• Advocate for yourself.

If the abuser is on probation, ask for a face-to-face meeting with the probation officer; it will make it harder for your partner to paint a distorted picture of you and may make the probation officer feel responsible for your safety. If the prosecutor is considering a plea bargain, demand to be included in the process of negotiation, so that your needs are considered

before any deal is made. If the abuser is mandated to attend an abuser program, communicate frequently with the abuser program and make sure that they are on your side, not his. (Chapter 14 offers guidelines for determining whether or not a particular abuser program is a good one.) THE LEGAL SYSTEM cannot solve the problem of abuse by itself, but, when it is working properly it can be an important ally in defending your rights.

The better that you and anyone attempting to help you understand the abuser’s tricks for turning the legal process to his advantage, the better you can pressure the system to hold him accountable.

 

Key points to remember

 

 

Abusers rarely change if they aren’t forced to suffer any consequences. A man should be required to complete an abuser program in conjunction with, not instead of, legal consequences.

 

Many abusers see the legal system as another opportunity for manipulation. Whether or not he succeeds in that approach will depend largely on how well trained the crucial public officials are on the subject of abuse—and on how many of them think as he does.

 

A woman who wants the legal system to help protect her rights needs to seek out assistance for herself and to be prepared to

advocate for her own needs and interests. Her first call should be to a program for abused women.

 

The legal system will tend not to contribute well to your safety unless you use it in conjunction with other self-protective steps (see “Safety Planning” in Chapter 9).

 

Any form of physical aggression, including a push, poke, shove, or threat, is illegal in most states and provinces. You do not need to wait until you are severely injured to seek police assistance.

 

There is no such thing as a “minor” violation of a law or a court order by an abusive man. If the legal system does not hold him accountable, he will escalate to more serious violations under the assumption that the system does not mean what it says.