…a brief note to inform you that I have arrived safely in Scotland. I must say, I’m glad to be here. London was as stimulating as ever, but I needed some quiet. I feel much more focused and at peace in the countryside.
—from the Countess of Kilmartin to her mother, the Dowager Viscountess Bridgerton, one day after arriving at Kilmartin
Three weeks later, Francesca still had no idea what she was doing.
Michael had brought up the topic of marriage two more times, and each time she had skillfully evaded the question. To truly consider his proposal meant confronting her feelings about him, about John, and, most daunting of all, about herself.
She kept telling herself that she would marry him only if she became pregnant, yet she kept returning to his bed, allowing him to seduce her at every opportunity.
But that wasn’t entirely true anymore. It was delusional to think she needed any convincing to make space for him in her life. She had become the wicked one, despite trying to rationalize her late-night wanderings through the house in her nightclothes as restlessness rather than a longing for his company.
Yet she always found him. Or, if not, she positioned herself where he might discover her.
And she never said no.
Michael was growing impatient. He hid it well, but she knew him well. She knew him better than she knew anyone left on this planet, and even though he insisted he was courting her, wooing her with romantic phrases and gestures, she could see the faint lines of impatience curling around his mouth. He would begin a conversation that she knew would lead to the subject of marriage, and she always dodged it before he mentioned the word.
He allowed her to get away with it, but his eyes would change, and his jaw would tighten, and then, when he took her—and he always did, after moments like those—it was with renewed urgency, and even a touch of anger.
But still, it wasn’t quite enough to jolt her into action.
She couldn’t say yes. She didn’t know why; she just couldn’t.
But she couldn’t say no, either. Maybe she was wicked, and maybe she was a wanton, but she didn’t want this to end. Not the passion, and not, she was forced to acknowledge, his company, either.
It wasn’t just the lovemaking, it was the moments after, when she lay curled in his arms, his hand idly stroking her hair. Sometimes they were silent, but
sometimes they talked, about anything and everything. He told her about
India, and she told him of her childhood. She gave him her opinions about political matters, and he actually listened. And he told her devilish jokes that men were never supposed to tell women, and women certainly weren’t supposed to enjoy.
And then, once the bed had stopped shaking with her mirth, his mouth would find hers, a smile embedded on his lips. “I love your laughter,” he would murmur, and his hands would curl her to him. She’d sigh, still giggling, and they’d begin their passion anew.
And Francesca would, once again, be able to hold the rest of the world at bay.
And then she bled.
It started as it always did, just a few drops on the cotton of her chemise. She shouldn’t have been surprised; her cycles may not have been regular, but they always arrived eventually, and she already knew that hers was not a terribly fertile womb.
But still, somehow she hadn’t been expecting it. Not yet, anyway. It made her cry.
Nothing dramatic, nothing that wracked her body and consumed her soul, but her breath caught when she saw the tiny drops of blood, and before she realized what she was doing, twin tears were trickling down her cheeks.
And she wasn’t even sure why.
Was it because there would be no baby, or was it—God help her—because there would be no marriage?
Michael came to her room that night, but she sent him away, explaining that it wasn’t the right time. His lips found her ear, and he reminded her of all the wicked things they could still do, blood or no, but she refused, and asked him to leave.
He looked disappointed, but he seemed to understand. Women could be squeamish about such things.
But when she woke in the middle of the night, she wished he was holding her.
Her menses didn’t last long; it never did. And when Michael asked her discreetly if her time was through, she didn’t lie. He’d have known if she had, anyway; he always did.
“Good,” he said with a secret smile. “I’ve missed you.”
Her lips parted to say that she’d missed him, too, but somehow she was afraid to say the words.
He nudged her toward the bed, and together they tumbled, their bodies a tangle of arms and legs as they fell.
“I dreamed of you,” he said hoarsely, his hands pushing her skirt up to her waist. “Every night you came to me in dreams.” One finger found her essence and dipped inside. “They were very, very good dreams,” he finished, his voice hot and full of the devil.
She caught her lip between her teeth, her breath coming in short gasps as his finger slid out and caressed her right where he knew it would make her melt.
“In my dreams,” he murmured, his lips hot at her ear, “you did unspeakable things.”
She moaned at the sensation. He could ignite her body with a single touch, but she went up in flames when he spoke like this.
“New things,” he murmured, spreading her legs wider. “Things I’m going to have to teach you… tonight, I think.”
“Oh, God,” she gasped. He’d moved his lips to her thigh, and she knew what was coming.
“But first a bit of the tried and true,” he continued, his lips tickling their way up toward their destination. “We have all night to explore.”
He kissed her then, just as he knew she liked it, holding her immobile with his powerful hands as his lips brought her closer and closer to the peaks of passion.
But before she reached the apex, he moved away, his hands tearing at the fastenings of his trousers. He swore when his fingers trembled, when the button didn’t slip free on the first try.
And it gave Francesca just enough time to stop and think. The one thing she truly didn’t want to do.
But her mind was relentless, and it was unkind, and before she knew what she was doing, she’d scrambled from the bed, the word, “Wait!” flying from her lips, even as she flew across the room.
“What?” he gasped. “I can’t do this.”
“You can’t…”—he stopped, unable to finish the question without taking a heaving breath—“… what?”
He’d finally had success with his trousers, and they had fallen to the floor, leaving her with a stunning view of his arousal.
Francesca averted her eyes. She couldn’t look at him. Not at his face, not at his… “I can’t,” she said, her voice shaking. “I shouldn’t. I don’t know.”
“I know,” he growled, stepping toward her.
“No!” she cried out, hurrying toward the door. She’d played with fire for weeks, tempting the fates, and she’d won her gamble. If there was ever a time to escape, this was it. And as hard as it was to leave, she knew that she must. She wasn’t this sort of woman. She couldn’t be.
“I can’t do this,” she said, her back now flat against the hard wood of the door. “I can’t. I… I…”
I want to, she thought. Even as she knew she shouldn’t, she couldn’t escape the fact that she wanted to, anyway. But if she told him that, would he make her change her mind? He could do it, too. She knew he could. One kiss, one touch, and all of her resolve would be lost.
He just swore and yanked his trousers back up.
“I don’t know who I am any longer,” she said. “I’m not this sort of woman.”
“What sort of woman?” he snapped. “A wanton,” she whispered. “Fallen.”
“Then marry me,” he shot back. “I offered to make you respectable from the beginning, but you refused.”
He had her there, and she knew it. But logic didn’t seem to have a place in her heart these days, and all she could think was—How could she marry him? How could she marry Michael?
“I wasn’t supposed to feel this for another man,” she said, barely able to believe that she’d spoken the words aloud.
“Feel what?” he asked urgently.
She swallowed, forcing herself to bring her eyes to his face. “The passion,” she admitted.
His face took on a strange expression, almost one of disgust. “Right,” he drawled. “Of course. It’s a damned good thing you have me here to service you.”
“No!” she cried out, horrified by the derision lacing his voice. “That’s not it.”
“Isn’t it?”
“No.” But she didn’t know what was.
He took a ragged breath and turned away from her, his body taut with tension. She watched his back with terrible fascination, unable to take her eyes off of him. His shirt was loose, and even though she couldn’t see his face, she knew his body, every last curve of it. He looked desolate, hardened.
Worn out.
“Why do you stay?” he asked in a low voice, leaning on the edge of the mattress with the flats of both hands.
“Wh-what?”
“Why do you stay?” he repeated, his words rising in volume but never losing control. “If you hate me so much, why do you stay?”
“I don’t hate you,” she said. “You know I—”
“I don’t know a damned thing, Francesca,” he bit off. “I don’t even know you any longer.” His shoulders tensed as his fingers bit into the mattress. She could see one of his hands; the knuckles had gone white.
“I don’t hate you,” she said again, as if saying it twice would somehow turn her words into solid things, palpable and real, that she could force him to hold on to. “I don’t. I don’t hate you.”
He said nothing.
“It’s not you, it’s me,” she said, pleading with him now—for what, she wasn’t certain. Maybe for him not to hate her. That was the one thing she didn’t think she could bear.
But all he did was laugh. It was a horrible sound, bitter and low. “Oh, Francesca,” he said, condescension lending his words a brittle flavor. “If I had a pound for every time I’ve said that...”
Her mouth settled into a grim line. She didn’t like to be reminded of all the women who had gone before her. She didn’t want to know about them, didn’t even want to recall their existence.
“Why do you stay?” he asked again, finally turning around to face her. She nearly reeled at the fire in his eyes. “Michael, I—”
“Why?” he demanded, fury pounding his voice into a harsh rumble. His face had tightened into deep, angry lines, and her hand instinctively reached for the doorknob.
“Why do you stay, Francesca?” he persisted, moving toward her with the predatory grace of a tiger. “There is nothing for you here at Kilmartin, nothing but this”
She gasped as his hands landed hard on her shoulders, let out a soft cry of surprise as his lips found hers. It was a kiss of anger, of brutal desperation, but still, her traitorous body wanted nothing more than to melt into him, to let him do what he wished, turn all of his wicked attentions on her.
She wanted him. Dear God, even like this, she wanted him. And she feared she would never learn to say no.
But he wrenched himself away. He did it. Not her.
“Is that what you want?” he asked, his voice ragged and hoarse. “Is that all?”
She did nothing, didn’t even move, just looked at him with wild eyes.
“Why do you stay?” he demanded, and she knew it was the last time he’d ask.
She didn’t have an answer.
He gave her several seconds. He waited for her to speak until the silence rose between them like a gorgon, but every time she opened her mouth, no
sound emerged, and she couldn’t do anything but stand there, shaking as she watched his face.
With a vicious curse, he turned away. “Leave,” he ordered. “Now. I want you out of the house.”
“Wh-what?” She couldn’t believe it, couldn’t believe that he would actually toss her out.
He didn’t look at her as he said, “If you can’t be with me, if you can’t give all of yourself to me, then I want you gone.”
“Michael?” It was just a whisper, barely that.
“I can’t bear this halfway existence,” he said, his voice so low she wasn’t certain she’d heard correctly.
All she could manage to say was, “Why?”
At first she didn’t think he was going to respond. His posture became impossibly taut, and then he began to shake.
Her hand rose to cover her mouth. Was he crying? Could he be… Laughing?
“Oh, God, Francesca,” he said, his voice punctuated with derisive laughter. “Now there’s a good one. Why? Why? Why?” He gave each one a different tenor, as if he were testing out the word, asking it to different people.
“Why?” he asked again, this time with increased volume as he turned around to face her. “Why? It’s because I love you, damn me to hell. Because I’ve always loved you. Because I loved you when you were with John, and I loved you when I was in India, and God only knows I don’t deserve you, but I love you, anyway.”
Francesca sagged against the door.
“How’s that for a witty little joke?” he mocked. “I love you. I love you, my cousin’s wife. I love you, the one woman I can never have. I love you, Francesca Bridger-ton Stirling, who—”
“Stop,” she choked out.
“Now? Now that I’ve finally gotten started? Oh, I don’t think so,” he said grandly, waving one of his arms through the air like a showman. He leaned in close— painfully, uncomfortably close. And his smile was terrifying as he asked, “Are you scared yet?”
“Michael—”
“Because I haven’t nearly begun,” he said, his voice skipping over hers. “Do you want to know what I was thinking when you were married to John?”
“No,” she said desperately, shaking her head.
He opened his mouth to say more, his eyes still flashing with his contemptuous passion, but then something happened. Something changed. It was in his eyes. They were so angry, so inflamed, and then they simply…
Stopped.
Turned cold. Weary.
Then he closed them. He looked exhausted. “Go,” he said. “Now.”
She whispered his name.
“Go,” he repeated, ignoring her plea. “If you’re not mine, I don’t want you anymore.”
“But I—”
He walked to the window, leaning heavily on the sill. “If this is to end, you will have to do it. You will have to walk away, Francesca. Because now… after everything… I’m just not strong enough to say goodbye.”
She stood motionless for several seconds, and then, just when she was sure the tension between them would tighten and snap her in two, her feet somehow found purchase, and she ran from the room.
She ran.
And she ran.
And she ran.
She ran blindly, without thinking.
She ran outside, into the night, into the rain.
She ran until her lungs burned. She ran until she had no balance, was tripping and sliding in the mud.
She ran until she could run no longer, and then she just sat, finding comfort and shelter in the gazebo John had erected for her years earlier, after throwing up his arms and announcing that he’d given up trying to get her to curb her lengthy hikes, and this way at least she’d have a place outside to call her own.
She sat there for hours, shivering in the cold, but not feeling a thing. And all she could wonder was—
Just what was it she was running from?
Michael had no memory of the moments that followed her departure. It could have been one minute, it could have been ten. All he knew was that he seemed to wake up when he realized he’d nearly put his fist through the wall.
And yet somehow he barely noticed the pain.
“My lord?”
It was Reivers, popping his head in to inquire about the commotion.
“Get out,” Michael growled. He didn’t want to see anyone, didn’t want to hear anyone even breathe.
“But maybe some ice for—”
“Get out!” Michael roared, and it felt as if his body were growing huge and monsterish as he turned. He wanted to hurt someone. He wanted to claw at the air.
Reivers fled.
Michael dug his fingernails into his palms, even as his right fist was beginning to swell. Somehow the motion seemed the only way to keep the devil inside at bay, to prevent him from tearing the room apart with his very fingers.
Six years.
He stood there, stock still, with only one thought in his head. Six bloody years.
He’d held this inside for six years, scrupulously kept his feelings off of his face when he watched her, never told a soul.
Six years he’d loved her, and it had all come to this.
He’d laid his heart on the table. He’d practically handed her a knife and asked her to slice it open.
Oh, no, Francesco, you can do better than that. Hold steady there, you can easily make a few more cuts. And while you’re at it, why don’t you take these pieces here and dice them up ?
Whoever had said it was a good thing to speak the truth was an ass. Michael would have given anything, both his bloody feet, even, to have made this all go away.
But that was the thing about words. He laughed miserably.
You couldn’t take them back.
Spread it on the floor now. There you go, stamp it down. No, harder. Harder than that, Frannie. You can do it.
Six years.
Six bloody years, all lost in a single moment. All because he’d thought he might actually have the right to feel happy.
He should have known better.
And for the grand finale, just set the whole bloody thing aflame. Brava, Francesco!
There went his heart.
He looked down at his hands. His nails had carved half-moons into his palms. One had even broken the skin.
What was he going do? What the hell was he going to do now?
He didn’t know how to live his life with her knowing the truth. For six years, his every thought and action had revolved around making sure she didn’t know. All men had some guiding principle in their lives, and that had been his.
Make sure Francesca never finds out.
He sat in his chair, barely able to contain his own maniacal laughter.
Oh, Michael, he thought, the chair shaking beneath him as he let his head fall into his hands. Welcome to the rest of your life.
His second act, as it happened, opened far sooner than he’d expected, with a soft knock on his door about three hours later.
Michael was still sitting in his chair, his only concession to the passage of time the movement of his head from his hands to the seat back. He’d been leaning like that for some time now, his neck uncomfortable but un-moving, his eyes staring sightlessly at some random spot on the ecru silk fabric covering the wall.
He felt removed, set apart, and when he heard the knock, he didn’t even recognize the sound at first.
But it came again, no less timid than the first, but still persistent. Whoever it was, he wasn’t going away.
“Enter!” he barked. He was a she.
Francesca.
He should have risen. He wanted to. Even after everything, he didn’t hate her, didn’t wish to offer his disrespect. But she had wrenched everything from him, every last drop of strength and purpose, and all he could manage was a slight lifting of his brows, accompanied by a tired, “What?”
Her lips parted, but she didn’t say anything. She was wet, he realized, almost idly. She must have gone outside. Silly fool, it was cold out.
“What is it, Francesca?” he asked.
“I’ll marry you,” she said, so quietly he more read the words on her lips than did he hear them. “If you’ll still have me.”
And you’d have thought he’d jump from his chair. Rise, at least, unable to tamp down the joy spreading through his body. You’d have thought he might stride across the room, a man of purpose and resolve, to sweep her from her feet, rain kisses on her face, and lay her on the bed, where he might seal the bargain in the most primitive manner possible.
But instead he just sat there, too heart-weary to do anything other than ask, “Why?”
She flinched at the suspicion in his voice, but he didn’t feel particularly charitable at the moment. After what she’d done to him, she could suffer a bit of discomfort herself.
“I don’t know,” she admitted. She was standing very still, her arms straight at her sides. She wasn’t rigid, but he could tell she was trying very hard not to move.
If she did, he suspected, she’d run from the room. “You’ll have to do better than that,” he said.
Her lower lip caught between her teeth. “I don’t know,” she whispered. “Don’t make me figure it out.”
He lifted one sardonic brow. “Not yet, at least,” she finished.
Words, he thought, almost dispassionately. He’d had his words, and now these were hers.
“You can’t take it back,” he said in a low voice. She shook her head.
He rose slowly to his feet. “There will be no backing out. No cold feet. No changed minds.”
“No,” she said. “I promise.”
And that was when he finally let himself believe her. Francesca did not give promises lightly. And she never broke her vows.
He was across the room in an instant, his hands at her back, his arms around her, his mouth raining desperate kisses on her face. “You will be mine,” he said. “This is it. Do you understand?”
She nodded, arching her neck as his lips slid down the long column to her shoulder.
“If I want to tie you to the bed, and keep you there until you’re heavy with child, I’ll do it,” he vowed.
“Yes,” she gasped.
“And you won’t complain.” She shook her head.
His fingers tugged at her gown. It fell to the floor with stunning speed. “And you’ll like it,” he growled.
“Yes. Oh, yes.”
He moved her to the bed. He wasn’t gentle or smooth, but she didn’t seem to want that, and he fell upon her like a starving man. “You will be mine,” he said again, grasping her bottom and pulling her toward him. “Mine.”
And she was. For that night, at least, she was.
