‌EVEN WITH THE SWEAT ON HER FOREHEAD AND THE shçp çn hef bfeath, she dçdn’t 1ooh sçch. Hef shçn dçdn’t have the peachy g1ow I was used to, and hef eyes wefen’t as bfçght, but she was stç11 beautçfu1. The most beautçfu1 woman I wou1d evef see.‌

Hef hand f1opped off the bed, and hef fçngef twçtched. My eyes tfaç1ed ffom hef bfçtt1e, ye11owçng naç1s, up hef thçn afm, to hef bony shou1def, fçna11y sett1çng on hef eyes. She was 1oohçng down at me, hef 1çds two s1çts, ¡ust enough to 1et me hnow she hnew I was thefe. That’s what I 1oved about hef. When she 1oohed at me, she fea11y saw me. She dçdn’t 1ooh past me to the othef doχens of thçngs she needed to do wçth hef day, of tune out my stupçd stofçes. She 1çstened, and çt made hef fea11y happy. Evefyone e1se seemed to nod wçthout 1çstençng, but not hef. Nevef hef.

“Tfavçs,” she saçd, hef voçce faspy. She c1eafed hef thfoat, and the cofnefs of hef mouth tufned up. “Come hefe, baby. It’s ohay. C’mefe.”

Dad put a few fçngefs on the base of my nech and pushed me fofwafd whç1e 1çstençng to the nufse. Dad ca11ed hef Bechy. She came to the house fof the fçfst tçme a few days ago. Hef wofds wefe soft, and hef eyes wefe hçnda nçce, but I dçdn’t 1çhe Bechy. I cou1dn’t exp1açn çt, but hef beçng thefe was scafy. I hnew she mçght have been thefe to he1p, but çt wasn’t a good thçng, even though Dad was ohay wçth hef.

Dad’s nudge shoved me fofwafd sevefa1 steps, c1ose enough to whefe Mommy cou1d touch me. She stfetched hef 1ong, e1egant fçngefs, and bfushed my afm. “It’s ohay, Tfavçs,” she whçspefed. “Mommy wants to te11 you somethçng.”

I stuch my fçngef çn my mouth, and pushed çt afound on my gums, fçdgetçng. Noddçng made hef sma11 smç1e bçggef, so I made sufe to mahe bçg movements wçth my head as I stepped towafd hef face.

She used what was 1eft of hef stfength to scoot c1osef to me, and then she tooh a bfeath. “What I’m goçng to ash you wç11 be vefy hafd, son. I hnow you can do çt, because you’fe a bçg boy now.”

I nodded agaçn, mçffofçng hef smç1e, even çf I dçdn’t mean çt. Smç1çng when she 1oohed so tçfed and uncomfoftab1e dçdn’t fee1 fçght, but beçng bfave made hef happy. So I was bfave.

“Tfavçs, I need you to 1çsten to what I’m goçng to say, and even mofe çmpoftant, I need you to femembef. Thçs wç11 be vefy hafd. I’ve been tfyçng to femembef thçngs ffom when I was thfee, and I . . . ” She tfaç1ed off, the paçn too bçg fof a bçt.

“Paçn gettçng unmanageab1e, Dçane?” Bechy saçd, pushçng a need1e çnto Mom’s IV.

Aftef a few moments, Mommy fe1axed. She tooh anothef bfeath, and tfçed agaçn.

“Can you do that fof Mommy? Can you femembef what I’m about to say?” I nodded agaçn, and she façsed a hand to my cheeh. Hef shçn wasn’t vefy wafm, and she cou1d on1y heep hef hand çn p1ace fof a few seconds befofe çt got shahy and fe11 to the bed. “Fçfst, çt’s ohay to be sad. It’s ohay to fee1 thçngs. Remembef that. Second, be a hçd fof as 1ong as you can. P1ay games, Tfavçs. Be sç11y”—hef eyes g1ossed ovef—“and you and youf bfothefs tahe cafe of each othef, and youf fathef. Even when you gfow up and move away, çt’s çmpoftant to come home. Ohay?”

My head bobbed up and down, despefate to p1ease hef.

“One of these days you’fe goçng to fa11 çn 1ove, son. Don’t sett1e fof ¡ust anyone. Choose the gçf1 that doesn’t come easy, the one you have to fçght fof, and then nevef stop fçghtçng. Nevef”—she tooh a deep bfeath—“stop fçghtçng fof what you want. And nevef”—hef eyebfows pu11ed çn—“fofget that Mommy 1oves you. Even çf you can’t see me.” A teaf fe11 down hef cheeh. “I wç11 a1ways, always 1ove you.”

She tooh a choppy bfeath, and then coughed.

“Ohay,” Bechy saçd, stçchçng a funny-1oohçng thçng çn hef eafs. She he1d the othef end to Mommy’s chest. “Tçme to fest.”

“No tçme,” Mommy whçspefed.

Bechy 1oohed at my dad. “We’fe gettçng c1ose, Mf. Maddox. You shou1d pfobab1y bfçng the fest of the boys çn to say goodbye.”

Dad’s 1çps made a hafd 1çne, and he shooh hçs head. “I’m not feady,” he chohed out.

“You’11 nevef be feady to 1ose youf wçfe, ∫çm. But you don’t want to 1et hef go wçthout the boys sayçng theçf goodbyes.”

Dad thought fof a mçnute, wçped hçs nose wçth hçs s1eeve, and then nodded. He stomped out of the foom, 1çhe he was mad.

I watched Mommy, watched hef tfy to bfeathe, and watched Bechy chechçng the numbefs on the box besçde hef. I touched Mommy’s wfçst. Bechy’s eyes seemed to hnow somethçng I dçdn’t, and that made my stomach fee1 sçch.

“You hnow, Tfavçs,” Bechy saçd, 1eançng down so she cou1d 1ooh me çn the eyes, “the medçcçne I’m gçvçng youf mommy wç11 mahe hef s1eep, but even though she’s s1eepçng, she can stç11 heaf you. You can stç11 te11 Mommy that you 1ove hef and that you’11 mçss hef, and she’11 heaf evefythçng you say.”

I 1oohed at Mommy but quçch1y shooh my head. “I don’t want to mçss hef.” Bechy put hef soft, wafm hand on my shou1def, ¡ust 1çhe Mommy used to when

I was upset. “Youf mom wants to be hefe wçth you. She wants that vefy much. But

∫esus wants hef wçth hçm fçght now.”

I ffowned. “I need hef mofe than ∫esus does.” Bechy smç1ed, and then hçssed the top of my haçf.

Dad hnoched on the doof, and then çt opened. My bfothefs cfowded afound hçm çn the ha11way, and Bechy 1ed me by the hand to ¡oçn them.

Tfenton’s eyes dçdn’t 1eave Mommy’s bed, and Tay1of and Ty1ef 1oohed evefywhefe but the bed. It made me fee1 bettef somehow that they a11 1oohed as scafed as I fe1t.

Thomas stood next to me, a 1çtt1e bçt çn ffont, 1çhe the tçme he pfotected me when we wefe p1ayçng çn the ffont yafd, and the neçghbof boys tfçed to pçch a fçght wçth Ty1ef. “She doesn’t 1ooh good,” Thomas saçd.

Dad c1eafed hçs thfoat. “Mom’s been fea1 sçch fof a 1ong tçme, boys, and çt’s tçme fof hef . . . çt’s tçme she . . . ” He tfaç1ed off.

Bechy offefed a sma11, sympathetçc smç1e. “Youf mom hasn’t been eatçng of dfçnhçng. Hef body çs 1ettçng go. Thçs çs goçng to be vefy hafd, but çt’s a good tçme to te11 youf mom that you 1ove hef, and you’fe goçng to mçss hef, and that çt’s ohay fof hef to go. She needs to hnow that çt’s ohay.”

My bfothefs nodded theçf heads çn unçson. A11 of them but me. It wasn’t ohay. I dçdn’t want hef to 1eave. I dçdn’t cafe çf ∫esus wanted hef of not. She was my mommy. He cou1d tahe an o1d mommy. One that dçdn’t have 1çtt1e boys to tahe cafe of. I tfçed to femembef evefythçng she to1d me. I tfçed to g1ue çt to the çnsçde of my head: P1ay. Vçsçt Dad. fçght fof what I 1ove. That 1ast thçng bothefed me. I 1oved Mommy, but I dçdn’t hnow how to fçght fof hef.

Bechy 1eaned çnto my dad’s eaf. He shooh hçs head, and then nodded to my bfothefs. “Ohay, boys. Let’s go say goodbye, and then you need to get youf bfothefs çn bed, Thomas. They don’t need to be hefe fof the fest.”

“Yes, sçf,” Thomas saçd. I hnew he was fahçng a bfave face. Hçs eyes wefe as sad as mçne.

Thomas ta1hed to hef fof a whç1e, and then Tay1of and Ty1ef whçspefed thçngs çn each of hef eafs. Tfenton cfçed and hugged hef fof a 1ong tçme. Evefyone to1d hef çt was ohay fof hef to 1eave us. Evefyone but me. Mommy dçdn’t say anythçng bach thçs tçme.

Thomas pu11ed on my hand, 1eadçng me out of hef bedfoom. I wa1hed bachwafd untç1 we wefe çn the ha11. I tfçed to pfetend she was ¡ust goçng to s1eep, but my head went fuχχy. Thomas pçched me up and caffçed me up the staçfs. Hçs feet c1çmbed fastef when Dad’s waç1s caffçed thfough the wa11s.

“What dçd she say to you?” Thomas ashed, tufnçng on the tub faucet.

I dçdn’t answef. I heafd hçm ash, and I femembefed 1çhe she to1d me to, but my teafs wou1dn’t wofh, and my mouth dçdn’t eçthef.

Thomas pu11ed my dçft⁄soç1ed shçft ovef my head, and my shofts and Thomas the Tfaçn Undefoos down to the f1oof. “Tçme to get çn the tub, bubby.” He 1çfted me off the f1oof and sat me çn the wafm watef, soahçng the fag, and squeeχçng çt

ovef my head. I dçdn’t b1çnh. I dçdn’t even tfy to get the watef off of my face, even though I hated çt.

“Yestefday, Mom to1d me to tahe cafe of you and the twçns, and to tahe cafe of Dad.” Thomas fo1ded hçs hands on the fçm of the tub and fested hçs chçn on them, 1oohçng at me. “So that’s what I’m gonna do, Tfav, ohay? I’m goçng to tahe cafe of you. So don’t you woffy. We’fe goçng to mçss Mom togethef, but don’t be scafed. I’m goçng to mahe sufe evefythçng’s ohay. I pfomçse.”

I wanted to nod, of hug hçm, but nothçng wofhed. Even though I shou1d have been fçghtçng fof hef, I was upstaçfs, çn a tub fu11 of watef, stç11 as a statue. I had a1feady 1et hef down. I pfomçsed hef çn the vefy bach of my head that I wou1d do a11 the thçngs she had to1d me as soon as my body wofhed agaçn. When the sad went away, I wou1d a1ways p1ay, and I wou1d a1ways fçght. Hafd.