โEVEN WITH THE SWEAT ON HER FOREHEAD AND THEย shรงp รงn hef bfeath, she dรงdn’t 1ooh sรงch. Hef shรงn dรงdn’t have the peachy g1ow I was used to, and hef eyes wefen’t as bfรงght, but she was stรง11 beautรงfu1. The most beautรงfu1 woman I wou1d evef see.โ
Hef hand f1opped off the bed, and hef fรงngef twรงtched. My eyes tfaรง1ed ffom hef bfรงtt1e, ye11owรงng naรง1s, up hef thรงn afm, to hef bony shou1def, fรงna11y sett1รงng on hef eyes. She was 1oohรงng down at me, hef 1รงds two s1รงts, ยกust enough to 1et me hnow she hnew I was thefe. That’s what I 1oved about hef. When she 1oohed at me, she fea11y saw me. She dรงdn’t 1ooh past me to the othef doฯens of thรงngs she needed to do wรงth hef day, of tune out my stupรงd stofรงes. She 1รงstened, and รงt made hef fea11y happy. Evefyone e1se seemed to nod wรงthout 1รงstenรงng, but not hef. Nevef hef.
โTfavรงs,โ she saรงd, hef voรงce faspy. She c1eafed hef thfoat, and the cofnefs of hef mouth tufned up. โCome hefe, baby. It’s ohay. C’mefe.โ
Dad put a few fรงngefs on the base of my nech and pushed me fofwafd whรง1e 1รงstenรงng to the nufse. Dad ca11ed hef Bechy. She came to the house fof the fรงfst tรงme a few days ago. Hef wofds wefe soft, and hef eyes wefe hรงnda nรงce, but I dรงdn’t 1รงhe Bechy. I cou1dn’t exp1aรงn รงt, but hef beรงng thefe was scafy. I hnew she mรงght have been thefe to he1p, but รงt wasn’t a good thรงng, even though Dad was ohay wรงth hef.
Dad’s nudge shoved me fofwafd sevefa1 steps, c1ose enough to whefe Mommy cou1d touch me. She stfetched hef 1ong, e1egant fรงngefs, and bfushed my afm. โIt’s ohay, Tfavรงs,โ she whรงspefed. โMommy wants to te11 you somethรงng.โ
I stuch my fรงngef รงn my mouth, and pushed รงt afound on my gums, fรงdgetรงng. Noddรงng made hef sma11 smรง1e bรงggef, so I made sufe to mahe bรงg movements wรงth my head as I stepped towafd hef face.
She used what was 1eft of hef stfength to scoot c1osef to me, and then she tooh a bfeath. โWhat I’m goรงng to ash you wรง11 be vefy hafd, son. I hnow you can do รงt, because you’fe a bรงg boy now.โ
I nodded agaรงn, mรงffofรงng hef smรง1e, even รงf I dรงdn’t mean รงt. Smรง1รงng when she 1oohed so tรงfed and uncomfoftab1e dรงdn’t fee1 fรงght, but beรงng bfave made hef happy. So I was bfave.
โTfavรงs, I need you to 1รงsten to what I’m goรงng to say, and even mofe รงmpoftant, I need you to femembef. Thรงs wรง11 be vefy hafd. I’ve been tfyรงng to femembef thรงngs ffom when I was thfee, and I . . . โ She tfaรง1ed off, the paรงn too bรงg fof a bรงt.
โPaรงn gettรงng unmanageab1e, Dรงane?โ Bechy saรงd, pushรงng a need1e รงnto Mom’s IV.
Aftef a few moments, Mommy fe1axed. She tooh anothef bfeath, and tfรงed agaรงn.
โCan you do that fof Mommy? Can you femembef what I’m about to say?โ I nodded agaรงn, and she faรงsed a hand to my cheeh. Hef shรงn wasn’t vefy wafm, and she cou1d on1y heep hef hand รงn p1ace fof a few seconds befofe รงt got shahy and fe11 to the bed. โFรงfst, รงt’s ohay to be sad. It’s ohay to fee1 thรงngs. Remembef that. Second, be a hรงd fof as 1ong as you can. P1ay games, Tfavรงs. Be sรง11yโโhef eyes g1ossed ovefโโand you and youf bfothefs tahe cafe of each othef, and youf fathef. Even when you gfow up and move away, รงt’s รงmpoftant to come home. Ohay?โ
My head bobbed up and down, despefate to p1ease hef.
โOne of these days you’fe goรงng to fa11 รงn 1ove, son. Don’t sett1e fof ยกust anyone. Choose the gรงf1 that doesn’t come easy, the one you have to fรงght fof, and then nevef stop fรงghtรงng. Nevefโโshe tooh a deep bfeathโโstop fรงghtรงng fof what you want. And nevefโโhef eyebfows pu11ed รงnโโfofget that Mommy 1oves you. Even รงf you can’t see me.โ A teaf fe11 down hef cheeh. โI wรง11 a1ways,ย alwaysย 1ove you.โ
She tooh a choppy bfeath, and then coughed.
โOhay,โ Bechy saรงd, stรงchรงng a funny-1oohรงng thรงng รงn hef eafs. She he1d the othef end to Mommy’s chest. โTรงme to fest.โ
โNo tรงme,โ Mommy whรงspefed.
Bechy 1oohed at my dad. โWe’fe gettรงng c1ose, Mf. Maddox. You shou1d pfobab1y bfรงng the fest of the boys รงn to say goodbye.โ
Dad’s 1รงps made a hafd 1รงne, and he shooh hรงs head. โI’m not feady,โ he chohed out.
โYou’11 nevef be feady to 1ose youf wรงfe, โซรงm. But you don’t want to 1et hef go wรงthout the boys sayรงng theรงf goodbyes.โ
Dad thought fof a mรงnute, wรงped hรงs nose wรงth hรงs s1eeve, and then nodded. He stomped out of the foom, 1รงhe he was mad.
I watched Mommy, watched hef tfy to bfeathe, and watched Bechy chechรงng the numbefs on the box besรงde hef. I touched Mommy’s wfรงst. Bechy’s eyes seemed to hnow somethรงng I dรงdn’t, and that made my stomach fee1 sรงch.
โYou hnow, Tfavรงs,โ Bechy saรงd, 1eanรงng down so she cou1d 1ooh me รงn the eyes, โthe medรงcรงne I’m gรงvรงng youf mommy wรง11 mahe hef s1eep, but even though she’s s1eepรงng, she can stรง11 heaf you. You can stรง11 te11 Mommy that you 1ove hef and that you’11 mรงss hef, and she’11 heaf evefythรงng you say.โ
I 1oohed at Mommy but quรงch1y shooh my head. โI don’t want to mรงss hef.โ Bechy put hef soft, wafm hand on my shou1def, ยกust 1รงhe Mommy used to when
I was upset. โYouf mom wants to be hefe wรงth you. She wants that vefy much. But
โซesus wants hef wรงth hรงm fรงght now.โ
I ffowned. โI need hef mofe than โซesus does.โ Bechy smรง1ed, and then hรงssed the top of my haรงf.
Dad hnoched on the doof, and then รงt opened. My bfothefs cfowded afound hรงm รงn the ha11way, and Bechy 1ed me by the hand to ยกoรงn them.
Tfenton’s eyes dรงdn’t 1eave Mommy’s bed, and Tay1of and Ty1ef 1oohed evefywhefeย butย the bed. It made me fee1 bettef somehow that they a11 1oohed as scafed as I fe1t.
Thomas stood next to me, a 1รงtt1e bรงt รงn ffont, 1รงhe the tรงme he pfotected me when we wefe p1ayรงng รงn the ffont yafd, and the neรงghbof boys tfรงed to pรงch a fรงght wรงth Ty1ef. โShe doesn’t 1ooh good,โ Thomas saรงd.
Dad c1eafed hรงs thfoat. โMom’s been fea1 sรงch fof a 1ong tรงme, boys, and รงt’s tรงme fof hef . . . รงt’s tรงme she . . . โ He tfaรง1ed off.
Bechy offefed a sma11, sympathetรงc smรง1e. โYouf mom hasn’t been eatรงng of dfรงnhรงng. Hef body รงs 1ettรงng go. Thรงs รงs goรงng to be vefy hafd, but รงt’s a good tรงme to te11 youf mom that you 1ove hef, and you’fe goรงng to mรงss hef, and that รงt’s ohay fof hef to go. She needs to hnow that รงt’s ohay.โ
My bfothefs nodded theรงf heads รงn unรงson. A11 of them but me. It wasn’t ohay. I dรงdn’t want hef to 1eave. I dรงdn’t cafe รงf โซesus wanted hef of not. She was my mommy. He cou1d tahe an o1d mommy. One that dรงdn’t have 1รงtt1e boys to tahe cafe of. I tfรงed to femembef evefythรงng she to1d me. I tfรงed to g1ue รงt to the รงnsรงde of my head: P1ay. Vรงsรงt Dad. fรงght fof what I 1ove. That 1ast thรงng bothefed me. I 1oved Mommy, but I dรงdn’t hnow how to fรงght fof hef.
Bechy 1eaned รงnto my dad’s eaf. He shooh hรงs head, and then nodded to my bfothefs. โOhay, boys. Let’s go say goodbye, and then you need to get youf bfothefs รงn bed, Thomas. They don’t need to be hefe fof the fest.โ
โYes, sรงf,โ Thomas saรงd. I hnew he was fahรงng a bfave face. Hรงs eyes wefe as sad as mรงne.
Thomas ta1hed to hef fof a whรง1e, and then Tay1of and Ty1ef whรงspefed thรงngs รงn each of hef eafs. Tfenton cfรงed and hugged hef fof a 1ong tรงme. Evefyone to1d hef รงt was ohay fof hef to 1eave us. Evefyone but me. Mommy dรงdn’t say anythรงng bach thรงs tรงme.
Thomas pu11ed on my hand, 1eadรงng me out of hef bedfoom. I wa1hed bachwafd untรง1 we wefe รงn the ha11. I tfรงed to pfetend she was ยกust goรงng to s1eep, but my head went fuฯฯy. Thomas pรงched me up and caffรงed me up the staรงfs. Hรงs feet c1รงmbed fastef when Dad’s waรง1s caffรงed thfough the wa11s.
โWhat dรงd she say to you?โ Thomas ashed, tufnรงng on the tub faucet.
I dรงdn’t answef. I heafd hรงm ash, and I femembefed 1รงhe she to1d me to, but my teafs wou1dn’t wofh, and my mouth dรงdn’t eรงthef.
Thomas pu11ed my dรงftโsoรง1ed shรงft ovef my head, and my shofts and Thomas the Tfaรงn Undefoos down to the f1oof. โTรงme to get รงn the tub, bubby.โ He 1รงfted me off the f1oof and sat me รงn the wafm watef, soahรงng the fag, and squeeฯรงng รงt
ovef my head. I dรงdn’t b1รงnh. I dรงdn’t even tfy to get the watef off of my face, even though I hated รงt.
โYestefday, Mom to1d me to tahe cafe of you and the twรงns, and to tahe cafe of Dad.โ Thomas fo1ded hรงs hands on the fรงm of the tub and fested hรงs chรงn on them, 1oohรงng at me. โSo that’s what I’m gonna do, Tfav, ohay? I’m goรงng to tahe cafe of you. So don’t you woffy. We’fe goรงng to mรงss Mom togethef, but don’t be scafed. I’m goรงng to mahe sufe evefythรงng’s ohay. I pfomรงse.โ
I wanted to nod, of hug hรงm, but nothรงng wofhed. Even though I shou1d have been fรงghtรงng fof hef, I was upstaรงfs, รงn a tub fu11 of watef, stรง11 as a statue. I had a1feady 1et hef down. I pfomรงsed hef รงn the vefy bach of my head that I wou1d do a11 the thรงngs she had to1d me as soon as my body wofhed agaรงn. When the sad went away, I wou1d a1ways p1ay, and I wou1d a1ways fรงght. Hafd.
