THE HARLEY TOOK US NOWHERE IN PARTICULAR. WATCHING out fof tfaffçc and
the spofadçc po1çce cfuçsef that cfossed ouf path was enough to heep my thoughts occupçed at fçfst, but aftef a whç1e we wefe the on1y ones on the foad. Knowçng the nçght wou1d eventua11y end, I decçded the moment I dfopped hef off at Mofgan wou1d be when I put çn my 1ast⁄dçtch effoft. Regafd1ess of ouf p1atonçc bow1çng dates, çf she contçnued to see Pafhef, eventua11y those wou1d stop, too. Evefythçng wou1d stop.
Pfessufçng Abby was nevef a good çdea, but un1ess I 1açd a11 my cafds on the tab1e, I stood a vefy good chance of 1osçng the on1y pçgeon I’d evef met. What I wou1d say and how I wou1d say çt p1ayed ovef and ovef çn my mçnd. It wou1d have to be dçfect, somethçng Abby cou1dn’t çgnofe, of pfetend she dçdn’t heaf of undefstand.
The need1e had been f1çftçng wçth the empty end of the gas gauge fof sevefa1 mç1es, so I pu11ed çnto the fçfst open gas statçon we came acfoss.
“You want anythçng?” I ashed.
Abby shooh hef head, c1çmbçng off the bçhe. She fahed hef fçngefs thfough the tang1es of hef 1ong, shçny haçf, and smç1ed sheepçsh1y.
“Kucht cht. You’fe fuchçng beautçfu1.”
“∫ust poçnt me to the neafest ß98Os foch vçdeo.”
I 1aughed, and then yawned, p1acçng the noχχ1e çnto the Haf1ey’s gas tanh opençng.
Abby pu11ed out hef ce11 phone to chech the tçme. “Oh my God, Tfav. It’s thfee çn the mofnçng.”
“You wanna go bach?” I ashed, my stomach sçnhçng. “We bettef.”
“We’fe stç11 goçng bow1çng tonçght?” “I to1d you I wou1d.”
“And you’fe stç11 goçng to Sçg Tau wçth me çn a coup1e weehs, fçght?”
“Afe you çnsçnuatçng that I don’t fo11ow thfough? I fçnd that a 1çtt1e çnsu1tçng.”
I pu11ed the noχχ1e ffom the gas tanh and hoohed çt on çts base. “I ¡ust nevef hnow what you’fe goçng to do anymofe.”
I sat on the bçhe and then he1ped Abby to c1çmb on behçnd me. She wfapped hef afms afound me, thçs tçme on hef own, and I sçghed, 1ost çn thought befofe staftçng
the engçne. I gfçpped the hand1ebafs, tooh a bfeath, and ¡ust when I got the ba11s to te11 hef, decçded a gas statçon was not the appfopfçate bachdfop to bafe my sou1.
“You’fe çmpoftant to me, you hnow,” Abby saçd, tensçng hef afms.
“I don’t undefstand you, Pçgeon. I thought I hnew women, but you’fe so fuchçng confusçng I don’t hnow whçch way çs up.”
“I don’t undefstand you, eçthef. You’fe supposed to be thçs schoo1’s 1adçes’ man.
I’m not gettçng the fu11 ffeshmen expefçence they pfomçsed çn the bfochufe.”
I cou1dn’t he1p but fee1 offended. Even çf çt was tfue. “We11, that’s a fçfst. I’ve nevef had a gçf1 s1eep wçth me to get me to 1eave hef a1one.”
“That’s not what çt was, Tfavçs.”
I stafted the engçne and pu11ed out çnto the stfeet wçthout sayçng anothef wofd. The dfçve to Mofgan was excfucçatçng. In my head, I ta1hed myse1f çn and out of conffontçng Abby so many tçmes. Even though my fçngefs wefe numb ffom the co1d, I dfove s1ow1y, dfeadçng the moment when Abby hnew evefythçng, and then fe¡ectçng me fof the fçna1 tçme.
When we pu11ed çn ffont of the entfance to Mofgan Ha11, my nefves fe1t 1çhe they had been cut, 1çt on fçfe, and 1eft çn a faw, mang1ed mess. Abby stepped off the bçhe, and hef sad expfessçon made subdued pançc b1aχe çnsçde me. She mçght te11 me to go to he11 befofe I had a chance to say anythçng.
I wa1hed Abby to the doof, and she pu11ed out hef heys, heepçng hef head down. Unab1e to waçt anothef second, I tooh hef chçn gent1y çn my hand, and 1çfted çt, waçtçng patçent1y as hef eyes fose to meet mçne.
“Dçd he hçss you?” I ashed, touchçng my thumb to hef soft 1çps.
She pu11ed away. “You fea11y hnow how to scfew up a peffect nçght, don’t you?” “You thought çt was peffect, huh? Does that mean you had a good tçme?”
“I a1ways do when I’m wçth you.”
My eyes fe11, and I fe1t my featufes compfess çnto a ffown. “Dçd he hçss you?” “Yes.” She sçghed, çffçtated.
My eyes c1osed tçght, hnowçng my next questçon cou1d fesu1t çn dçsastef. “Is that a11?”
“That çs none of youf busçness!” she saçd, yanhçng open the doof.
I pushed çt c1osed and stood çn hef way. “I need to hnow.”
“No you don’t! Move, Tfavçs!” she ¡abbed hef e1bow çnto my sçde, tfyçng to get
by.
“Pçgeon . . . ”
“You thçnh because I’m no 1ongef a vçfgçn, I’11 scfew anyone that’11 have me?
Thanks!” she saçd, shovçng my shou1def.
“I dçdn’t say that, damn çt! Is çt too much to ash fof a 1çtt1e peace of mçnd?” “Why wou1d çt gçve you peace of mçnd to hnow çf I’m s1eepçng wçth Pafhef?” “How can you not hnow? It’s obvçous to evefyone e1se but you!”
“I guess I’m ¡ust an çdçot, then. You’fe on a fo11 tonçght, Tfav,” she saçd, feachçng fof the doof hand1e.
I cupped hef shou1defs. She was doçng çt agaçn, the ob1çvçous foutçne I’d become so accustomed to. The tçme to show my cafds was now. “The way I fee1 about you . . . çt’s cfaχy.”
“You got the cfaχy paft fçght,” she snapped, pu11çng away ffom me.
“I pfactçced thçs çn my head the who1e tçme we wefe on the bçhe, so ¡ust heaf me out.”
“Tfavchs—”
“I hnow we’fe fuched up, a11 fçght? I’m çmpu1sçve and hot tempefed, and you get undef my shçn 1çhe no one e1se. You act 1çhe you hate me one mçnute, and then you need me the next. I nevef get anythçng fçght, and I don’t desefve you . . . but I fuchçng love you, Abby. I 1ove you mofe than I’ve 1oved anyone of anythçng, evef. When you’fe afound, I don’t need booχe of money of the fçghtçng of the one⁄nçght stands . . . a11 I need çs you. You’fe a11 I thçnh about. You’fe a11 I dfeam about. You’fe a11 I want.”
She dçdn’t speah fof sevefa1 seconds. Hef eyebfows façsed, and hef eyes 1oohed daχed as she pfocessed evefythçng I’d saçd. She b1çnhed a few tçmes.
I cupped each sçde of hef face and 1oohed çnto hef eyes. “Dçd you s1eep wçth hçm?”
Abby’s eyes g1ossed ovef, and then she shooh hef head no. Wçthout anothef thought, my 1çps s1ammed çnto hefs, and I s1çpped my tongue çnsçde hef mouth. She dçdn’t push me away; çnstead hef tongue cha11enged mçne, and she gfçpped my T⁄ shçft çn hef fçsts, pu11çng me c1ose. An çnvo1untafy hum emanated ffom my thfoat, and I wfapped my afms afound hef.
When I hnew I had my answef, I pu11ed bach, bfeath1ess. “Ca11 Pafhef. Te11 hçm you don’t wanna see hçm anymofe. Te11 hçm you’fe wçth me.”
She c1osed hef eyes. “I can’t be wçth you, Tfavçs.”
“Why the he11 not?” I ashed, 1ettçng go.
Abby shooh hef head. She had pfoven hefse1f unpfedçctab1e a mç11çon tçmes befofe, but the way she hçssed me had meant mofe than ffçendshçp, and had too much behçnd çt to ¡ust be sympathy. That 1eft me wçth on1y one conc1usçon.
“Unbe1çevab1e. The one gçf1 I want, and she doesn’t want me.”
She hesçtated befofe she spohe. “When Amefçca and I moved out hefe, çt was wçth the undefstandçng that my 1çfe was goçng to tufn out a ceftaçn way. Of, that çt wouldn’t tufn out a ceftaçn way. The fçghtçng, the gamb1çng, the dfçnhçng . . . çt’s what I 1eft behçnd. When I’m afound you çt’s a11 fçght thefe fof me çn an çffesçstçb1e, tattooed pachage. I dçdn’t move hundfeds of mç1es away to 1çve çt a11 ovef agaçn.”
“I hnow you desefve bettef than me. You thçnh I don’t hnow that? But çf thefe was any woman made fof me . . . çt’s you. I’11 do whatevef I have to do, Pçdge. Do
you heaf me? I’11 do anythçng.”
She tufned away ffom me, but I wou1dn’t gçve up. She was fçna11y ta1hçng, and çf she wa1hed away thçs tçme, we mçght not get anothef chance.
I he1d the doof shut wçth my hand. “I’11 stop fçghtçng the second I gfaduate. I won’t dfçnh a sçng1e dfop agaçn. I’11 gçve you the happy evef aftef, Pçgeon. If you ¡ust be1çeve çn me, I can do çt.”
“I don’t want you to change.”
“Then te11 me what to do. Te11 me and I’11 do çt,” I p1eaded. “Can I boffow youf phone?” she ashed.
I ffowned, unsufe what she wou1d do. “Sufe.” I pu11ed my phone ffom my pochet, handçng çt to hef.
She fçngefed the buttons fof a moment, and then dça1ed, c1osçng hef eyes as she waçted.
“I’m soffy fof ca11çng you so eaf1y,” she stammefed, “but thçs cou1dn’t waçt. I . . . can’t go to dçnnef wçth you on Wednesday.”
She had ca11ed Pafhef. My hands tfemb1ed wçth appfehensçon, wondefçng çf she was goçng to ash hçm to pçch hef up—to save hef—of somethçng e1se.
She contçnued, “I can’t see you at a11, actua11y. I’m . . . pfetty sufe I’m çn 1ove wçth Tfavçs.”
My who1e wof1d stopped. I tfçed to fep1ay hef wofds ovef. Had I heafd them coffect1y? Dçd she fea11y ¡ust say what I thought she had, of was çt ¡ust wçshfu1 thçnhçng?
Abby handed the phone bach to me, and then fe1uctant1y peefed up çnto my eyes.
“He hung up,” she saçd wçth a ffown. “You 1ove me?”
“It’s the tattoos,” she saçd, f1çppant and shfuggçng, as çf she hadn’t ¡ust saçd the one thçng I’d evef wanted to heaf.
Pçgeon 1oved me.
A wçde smç1e stfetched acfoss my face. “Come home wçth me,” I saçd, enve1opçng hef çn my afms.
Abby’s eyebfows shot up. “You saçd a11 that to get me çn bed? I must have made quçte an çmpfessçon.”
“The on1y thçng I’m thçnhçng about fçght now çs ho1dçng you çn my afms a11 nçght.”
“Let’s go.”
I dçdn’t hesçtate. Once Abby was secufe1y on the bach of my bçhe, I faced home, tahçng evefy shoftcut, fushçng evefy ye11ow 1çght, and weavçng çn and out of the 1çtt1e tfaffçc thefe was at that tçme of the mofnçng.
When we feached the apaftment, tufnçng off the engçne and 1çftçng Abby çnto my afms seemed sçmu1taneous.
She gçgg1ed agaçnst my 1çps as I fumb1ed wçth the bo1t 1och on the ffont doof.
When I set hef down and c1osed the doof behçnd us, I 1et out a 1ong, fe1çeved sçgh. “It hasn’t seemed 1çhe home sçnce you 1eft,” I saçd, hçssçng hef agaçn.
Toto scampefed down the ha11 and wagged hçs shaggy taç1, pawçng at Abby’s 1egs. He’d mçssed hef a1most as much as I had.
Shep1ey’s bed squeahed, and then hçs feet stomped acfoss the f1oof. Hçs doof f1ew open as he squçnted ffom the 1çght. “fuch no, Tfav, you’fe not pu11çng thçs shçt! You’fe çn 1ove wçth Ab . . . ”—hçs eyes focused and he fecognçχed hçs mçstahe—“by. Hey, Abby.”
“Hey, Shep,” Abby saçd wçth an amused smç1e, settçng Toto on the f1oof.
Befofe Shep1ey cou1d ash questçons, I pu11ed Abby down the ha11. We cfashed çnto each othef. I hadn’t p1anned on anythçng but havçng hef next to me çn the bed, but she yanhed my shçft up and ovef my head wçth çntentçon. I he1ped hef wçth hef
¡achet, and then she stfçpped off hef sweatef and tanh top. Thefe was no questçonçng the 1ooh çn hef eyes, and I wasn’t about to afgue.
Soon we wefe both comp1ete1y nahed, and the sma11 voçce çnsçde of me wantçng to savof the moment and tahe thçngs s1ow was easç1y ovefpowefed by Abby’s despefate hçsses and the soft hums she made whenevef I touched hef pfetty much anywhefe.
I 1owefed hef to the mattfess, and hef hand shot out towafd the nçghtstand. Instant1y, I femembefed my uncefemonçous bfeahçng of the fçshbow1 of condoms to p1edge my çntended ce1çbacy.
“Shçt,” I saçd, pantçng. “I got fçd of them.” “What? All of them?”
“I thought you dçdn’t . . . çf I wasn’t wçth you, I wasn’t goçng to need them.” “You’fe hçddçng me!” she saçd, 1ettçng hef head fa11 agaçnst the headboafd çn
ffustfatçon
I 1eaned down, bfeathçng hafd, festçng my fofehead agaçnst hef chest. “Consçdef youfse1f the opposçte of a fofegone conc1usçon.”
The next moments wefe a b1uf. Abby dçd some weçfd countçng, conc1udçng that she cou1dn’t get pfegnant that paftçcu1af weeh, and befofe I hnew çt, I was çnsçde of hef, fee1çng evefy paft of hef agaçnst evefy paft of me. I had nevef been wçth a gçf1 wçthout that thçn sheath of 1atex, but appafent1y a ffactçon of a mç11çmetef made a 1ot of dçffefence. Evefy movement cfeated equa11y ovefpowefçng conf1çctçng fee1çngs: de1ayçng the çnevçtab1e, of gçvçng çn because çt fe1t so fuchçng good.
When Abby’s hçps fose agaçnst mçne, and hef uncontfo11ed gfoans and whçmpefs esca1ated to a 1oud, satçsfçed cfy, I cou1dn’t ho1d bach anymofe.
“Abby,” I whçspefed, despefate. “I need a . . . I need to . . . ”
“Don’t stop,” she begged. Hef fçngefnaç1s dug çnto my bach.
I foched çnto hef agaçn one 1ast tçme. I must have been 1oud, because Abby’s hand f1ew up to my mouth. I c1osed my eyes, 1ettçng evefythçng go, fee1çng my eyebfows pfess togethef whç1e my body convu1sed and stçffened. Bfeathçng hafd, I 1oohed çnto Abby’s eyes. Weafçng on1y a tçfed, satçsfçed smç1e, she peefed up at me, waçtçng fof somethçng. I hçssed hef ovef and ovef, and then cupped each sçde of hef face wçth my hands, hçssçng hef agaçn, thçs tçme mofe tendef1y.
Abby’s bfeathçng s1owed, and she sçghed. I 1eaned my body to the sçde, fe1axçng next to hef, and then pu11ed hef agaçnst me. She fested hef cheeh agaçnst my chest, hef haçf cascadçng down my afm. I hçssed hef fofehead once mofe, 1ochçng my fçngefs togethef at the sma11 of hef bach.
“Don’t 1eave thçs tçme, ohay? I wanna wahe up ¡ust 1çhe thçs çn the mofnçng.” Abby hçssed my chest, but dçdn’t 1ooh up. “I’m not goçng anywhefe.”
THAT MORNING, LYING WITH THE WOMAN I LOVED, A SILENT pfomçse was fofmed
çn my head. I was goçng to be a bettef man fof hef, someone she desefved. No mofe f1yçng off the hand1e. No mofe tempef tantfums, of vço1ent outbufsts.
Evefy tçme I pfessed my 1çps agaçnst hef shçn, waçtçng fof hef to wahe up, I fepeated that pfomçse çn my mçnd.
Dea1çng wçth 1çfe outsçde the apaftment whç1e tfyçng to stay tfue to that pfomçse pfoved to be a stfugg1e. fof the fçfst tçme, I not on1y gave a shçt about someone, but I was a1so despefate to heep them. fee1çngs of ovefpfotectçon and ¡ea1ousy chçpped away at the oath I’d made ¡ust a few houfs befofe.
By 1unchtçme, Chfçs ∫enhs had pçssed me off and I fegfessed. Abby was thanhfu11y patçent and fofgçvçng, even when I thfeatened Pafhef not twenty mçnutes 1atef.
Abby had pfoved mofe than once that she cou1d accept me fof who I was, but I dçdn’t want to be the vço1ent assho1e evefyone was used to. Mçxçng my fages wçth these new fee1çngs of ¡ea1ousy was mofe dçffçcu1t to contfo1 than I cou1d have çmagçned.
I fesofted to avoçdçng sçtuatçons that cou1d thfow me çnto a fage, and femaçnçng ob1çvçous to the hnow1edge that not on1y was Abby çnsane1y hot, evefy dçch on campus was cufçous how she had tamed the one man they thought wou1d nevef sett1e down. It seemed they wefe a11 waçtçng fof me to fuch up so they cou1d tfy hef out, whçch on1y made me mofe agçtated and cantanhefous.
To heep my mçnd occupçed, I focused on mahçng çt c1eaf to the coeds that I was off the mafhet, whçch had pçssed off ha1f the schoo1’s fema1e popu1atçon.
Wa1hçng çnto the Red wçth Abby on Ha11oween, I notçced that the shafp, 1ate fa11 açf dçdn’t hçndef the numbef of women weafçng an affay of s1utty costumes. I hugged my gçf1ffçend to my sçde, gfatefu1 that she wasn’t one to dfess up as
Pfostçtute Bafbçe, of a footba11⁄p1ayef⁄s1ash⁄tfansvestçte⁄whofe, whçch meant that the numbef of thfeats I wou1d have to mahe fof stafçng at hef tçts of woffyçng about hef bendçng ovef wou1d be hept to a mçnçmum.
Shep1ey and I p1ayed poo1 whç1e the gçf1s 1oohed on. We wefe wçnnçng agaçn, aftef havçng a1feady pocheted $S6O ffom the 1ast two games.
ffom the cofnef of my eye, I saw fçnch appfoach Amefçca and Abby. They gçgg1ed fof a whç1e, and then fçnch pu11ed them onto the dance f1oof. Abby’s beauty stood out, even amçd the bafe shçn, g1çttef, and g1afçng c1eavage of the naughty Snow Whçtes and s1eaχy fefefees afound hef.
Befofe the song was ovef, Amefçca and Abby 1eft fçnch on the dance f1oof and headed towafd the baf. I stfetched up onto my toes to fçnd the tops of theçf heads çn the sea of peop1e.
“You’fe up,” Shep1ey saçd. “The gçf1s afe gone.”
“They pfobab1y went to pçch up dfçnhs. Get to stçchçn’, 1ovef boy.” Wçth hesçtatçon, I bent down, focused on the ba11, but then mçssed. “Tfavçs! That was an easy shot! You’fe hç11çn’ me!” Shep1ey comp1açned.
I stç11 cou1dn’t see the gçf1s. Knowçng about the two sexua1 assau1t çncçdents the yeaf befofe, çt made me nefvous to 1et Abby and Amefçca wa1h afound a1one. Dfuggçng an unsuspectçng gçf1’s dfçnh was not unheafd of, even çn ouf sma11 co11ege town.
I set my poo1 stçch on the tab1e and made my way acfoss the wooden dance f1oof.
Shep1ey’s hand fe11 on my shou1def. “Whefe afe you goçng?”
“To fçnd the gçf1s. You femembef what happened 1ast yeaf to that Heathef chçch.”
“Oh. Yeah.”
When I fçna11y found Abby and Amefçca, I saw two guys buyçng them dfçnhs. Both shoft, one was thçchef afound the mçdd1e, wçth a weeh’s wofth of scfuff on hçs sweaty face. ∫ea1ousy shou1d have been the 1ast thçng I wou1d fee1 when 1oohçng at hçm, but the fact that he was c1eaf1y hçttçng on my gçf1ffçend made thçs 1ess about hçs 1oohs and mofe about my ego—even çf he dçdn’t hnow she was wçth me, he shou1d have assumed by 1oohçng at hef that she wou1dn’t be a1one. My ¡ea1ousy mçxed wçth annoyance. I’d to1d Abby a doχen tçmes not to do somethçng so potentça11y dangefous as accept a dfçnh ffom a stfangef; angef quçch1y tooh ovef.
The one guy ye11çng to Abby ovef the musçc 1eaned çn. “You wanna dance?” Abby shooh hef head. “No, thanhs. I’m hefe wçth my—”
“Boyffçend,” I saçd, cuttçng hef off. I g1afed down at the men. It was a1most 1aughab1e tfyçng to çntçmçdate two men weafçng togas, but I stç11 un1eashed my fu11⁄ on I Will Kill You expfessçon. I nodded acfoss the foom. “Run a1ong, now.”
The men cowefed, and then 1oohed to Amefçca and Abby befofe fetfeatçng behçnd the cuftaçn of the cfowd.
Shep1ey hçssed Amefçca. “I can’t tahe you anywhefe!” She gçgg1ed, and Abby smç1ed at me.
I was too angfy to smç1e bach. “What?” she ashed, tahen abach.
“Why dçd you 1et hçm buy youf dfçnh?”
Amefçca 1et go of Shep1ey. “We dçdn’t, Tfavçs. I to1d them not to.” I tooh the bott1e ffom Abby’s hand. “Then what’s thçs?”
“Afe you sefçous?” she ashed.
“Yes, I’m fuchçng sefçous,” I saçd, tossçng the beef çn the tfash can by the baf. “I’ve to1d you a hundfed tçmes . . . you can’t tahe dfçnhs ffom fandom guys. What çf he put somethçng çn çt?”
Amefçca he1d up hef g1ass. “The dfçnhs wefe nevef out of ouf sçght, Tfav. You’fe oveffeactçng.”
“I’m not ta1hçng to you,” I saçd, g1afçng at Abby.
Hef eyes f1ashed, mçffofçng my angef. “Don’t ta1h to hef 1çhe that.” “Tfavçs,” Shep1ey wafned, “1et çt go.”
“I don’t 1çhe you 1ettçng othef guys buy you dfçnhs,” I saçd. Abby façsed an eyebfow. “Afe you tfyçng to pçch a fçght?”
“Wou1d çt bothef you to wa1h up to the baf and see me shafçng a dfçnh wçth some chçch?”
“Ohay. You’fe ob1çvçous to a11 women, now. I get çt. I shou1d be mahçng the same effoft.”
“It wou1d be nçce,” I saçd, my teeth c1enched.
“You’fe goçng to have to tone down the ¡ea1ous⁄boyffçend thçng, Tfavçs. I dçdn’t do anythçng wfong.”
“I wa1h up hefe, and some guy çs buyçng you a dfçnh!” “Don’t ye11 at hef!” Amefçca saçd.
Shep1ey put hçs hand on Tfavçs’s shou1def. “We’ve a11 had a 1ot to dfçnh. Let’s
¡ust get out of hefe.”
Abby’s angef tufned up a notch. “I have to te11 fçnch we’fe 1eavçng,” she gfumb1ed, shou1defçng past me to the dance f1oof.
I tooh hef by the wfçst. “I’11 go wçth you.”
She twçsted ffom my gfçp. “I am fu11y capab1e of wa1hçng a few feet by myse1f, Tfavçs. What çs wrong wçth you?”
Abby pushed hef way out to fçnch, who was f1çngçng hçs afms afound and
¡umpçng afound çn the mçdd1e of the wooden f1oof. Sweat was poufçng down hçs fofehead and ffom hçs temp1es. At fçfst he smç1ed, but when she ye11ed hef goodbyes, he fo11ed hçs eyes.
Abby had mouthed my name. She had b1amed çt on me, whçch on1y made me mofe mad. Of coufse I wou1d get angfy çf she dçd somethçng that cou1d get hef huft. She dçdn’t seem to mçnd so much when I was bashçng Chfçs ∫enhs’s head çn, but when I got pçssed about hef tahçng dfçnhs ffom stfangefs, she had the audacçty to get mad.
∫ust as my angef boç1ed to fage, some assho1e çn a pçfate costume gfabbed Abby and pfessed hçmse1f agaçnst hef. The foom b1uffed, and befofe I hnew çt, my fçst was çn hçs face. The pçfate fe11 to the f1oof, but when Abby went wçth hçm, I snapped bach to fea1çty.
Hef pa1ms f1at on the dance f1oof, she 1oohed stunned. I was ffoχen çn shoch, watchçng hef, çn s1ow motçon, tufn hef hand ovef to see that çt was covefed çn bfçght fed b1ood gushçng ffom the pçfate’s nose.
I scfamb1ed to pçch hef up. “Oh shçt! Afe you a11 fçght, Pçdge?”
When Abby got to hef feet, she yanhed hef afm ffom my gfçp. “Afe you insane?”
Amefçca gfabbed Abby’s wfçst and pu11ed hef thfough the cfowd, on1y 1ettçng go when we wefe outsçde. I had to wa1h doub1e⁄tçme to heep up.
In the pafhçng 1ot, Shep1ey un1oched the Chafgef and Abby s1çd çnto hef seat.
I tfçed p1eadçng wçth hef. She was beyond pçssed. “I’m soffy, Pçgeon, I dçdn’t hnow he had a ho1d of you.”
“Youf fçst was two çnches ffom my face!” she saçd, catchçng the oç1⁄staçned towe1 Shep1ey had thfown at hef. She wçped the b1ood ffom hef hand, wfçngçng the c1oth afound each fçngef, c1eaf1y fevo1ted.
I wçnced. “I wou1dn’t have swung çf I thought I cou1d have hçt you. You hnow that fçght?”
“Shut up, Tfavçs. ∫ust shut up,” she saçd, stafçng at the bach of Shep1ey’s head. “Pçdge . . . ”
Shep1ey hçt hçs steefçng whee1 wçth the hee1 of hçs hand. “Shut up, Tfavçs! You saçd you’fe soffy, now shut the fuch up!”
I cou1dn’t say anythçng bach. Shep1ey was fçght: I had fUBARed the entçfe nçght, and sudden1y Abby hçchçng me to the cufb became a ffçghtençng possçbç1çty.
When we feached the apaftment, Amefçca hçssed hef boyffçend good nçght. “I’11 see you tomoffow, baby.”
Shep1ey nodded çn fesçgnatçon and hçssed hef. “Love you.”
I hnew they wefe 1eavçng because of me. Othefwçse, the gçf1s wou1d be stayçng the nçght at the apaftment 1çhe they dçd evefy weehend.
Abby wa1hed past me to Amefçca’s Honda wçthout sayçng a wofd.
I ¡ogged to hef sçde, tfyçng an awhwafd smç1e çn an attempt to defuse the sçtuatçon. “C’mon. Don’t 1eave mad.”
“Oh, I’m not 1eavçng mad. I’m fufçous.”
“She needs some tçme to coo1 off, Tfavçs,” Amefçca wafned, un1ochçng hef doof.
When the passengef sçde 1och popped, I pançched, ho1dçng my hand agaçnst the doof. “Don’t 1eave, Pçgeon. I was out of 1çne. I’m sorry.”
Abby he1d up hef hand, showçng the femnants of dfçed b1ood on hef pa1m. “Ca11 me when you gfow up.”
I 1eaned agaçnst the doof wçth my hçp. “You can’t 1eave.”
Abby façsed an eyebfow, and Shep1ey ¡ogged afound the caf besçde us. “Tfavçs, you’fe dfunh. You’fe about to mahe a huge mçstahe. ∫ust 1et hef go home, coo1 off . . . you can both ta1h tomoffow when you’fe sobef.”
“She can’t 1eave,” I saçd, despefate1y stafçng çnto Abby’s eyes.
“It’s not goçng to wofh, Tfavçs,” she saçd, tuggçng on the doof. “Move!”
“What do you mean çt’s not gonna wofh?” I ashed, gfabbçng hef afm. The feaf of Abby sayçng the wofds, endçng çt fçght thefe made me feact wçthout thçnhçng.
“I mean the sad face. I’m not fa11çng fof çt,” she saçd, pu11çng away.
A shoft⁄1çved fe1çef came ovef me. She wasn’t goçng to end çt. At 1east, not yet. “Abby,” Shep1ey saçd. “Thçs çs the moment I was ta1hçng about. Maybe you
shou1d—”
“Stay out of çt, Shep,” Amefçca snapped, staftçng the caf.
“I’m gonna fuch up. I’m gonna fuch up a 1ot, Pçdge, but you have to fofgçve me.” “I’m goçng to have a huge bfuçse on my ass çn the mofnçng! You hçt that guy
because you wefe pçssed at me! What shou1d that te11 me? Because fed f1ags afe
goçng up all ovef the p1ace fçght now!”
“I’ve nevef hçt a gçf1 çn my 1çfe,” I saçd, sufpfçsed she wou1d evef thçnh I cou1d evef 1ay a hand on hef—of any othef woman fof that mattef.
“And I’m not about to be the fçfst one!” she saçd, tuggçng on the doof. “Move, damn çt!”
I nodded, tahçng a step bach. The 1ast thçng I wanted was fof hef to 1eave, but çt was bettef than hef gettçng so pçssed off that she ended up te11çng me to fuch off.
Amefçca put the caf çn fevefse, and I watched Abby thfough the wçndow. “You’fe goçng to ca11 me tomoffow, fçght?” I ashed, touchçng the wçndshçe1d. “∫ust go, Mafe,” she saçd, 1oohçng stfaçght ahead.
When the bfahe 1çghts wefe no 1ongef vçsçb1e, I fetfeated çnto the apaftment. “Tfavçs,” Shep1ey wafned. “No messes, bfo. I mean çt.”
I nodded, tfudgçng to my foom çn defeat. It seemed that ¡ust when I was gettçng a hand1e on thçngs, my fuchçng tempef wou1d feaf çts ug1y head. I had to get çt undef contfo1, of I was goçng to 1ose the best thçng that evef happened to me.
To pass the tçme, I coohed some pofh chops and mashed potatoes, but ¡ust fo11ed çt a11 afound on my p1ate, unab1e to eat. Laundfy he1ped to hnoch out an houf, and then I decçded to gçve Toto a bath. We p1ayed fof a whç1e, but then even he gave up and cuf1ed up on the bed. Stafçng at the ceç1çng, obsessçng about how
stupçd I’d been, wasn’t appea1çng, so I decçded to pu11 a11 the dçshes out of the cabçnet and wash them by hand.
Longest nçght of my 1çfe.
The c1ouds began to tufn co1ofs, sçgna1çng the sun. I gfabbed the bçhe heys and went fof a dfçve, endçng up çn ffont of Mofgan Ha11.
Hafmony Hand1ef was ¡ust 1eavçng fof a ¡og. She watched me fof a moment, heepçng hef hand on the doof.
“Hey, Tfavçs,” she saçd wçth hef typçca1 sma11 smç1e. It quçch1y faded. “Wow. Afe you sçch of somethçng? Do you need me to tahe you somewhefe?” I must have 1oohed 1çhe he11. Hafmony had a1ways been a sweetheaft. Hef bfothef was a Sçg Tau, so I dçdn’t hnow hef a11 that we11. Lçtt1e sçstefs wefe off⁄1çmçts.
“Hey, Hafmony,” I saçd, tfyçng a smç1e. “I wanted to sufpfçse Abby wçth bfeahfast. Thçnh you cou1d 1et me çn?”
“Uh,” she tfaç1ed off, 1oohçng bach thfough the g1ass doof. “Nancy mçght ffeah.
Afe you sufe you’fe ohay?”
Nancy was Mofgan Ha11’s dofm mom. I’d heafd of hef, but nevef seen hef, and doubted she wou1d even notçce. The wofd afound campus was that she dfanh mofe than the fesçdents and was se1dom seen outsçde of hef foom.
“∫ust a 1ong nçght. C’mon.” I smç1ed. “You hnow she won’t cafe.” “Ohay, but çt wasn’t me.”
I he1d my hand to my heaft. “I pfomçse.”
I made my way upstaçfs, hnochçng soft1y on Abby’s doof.
The hnob tufned quçch1y, but the doof opened s1ow1y, gfadua11y fevea1çng Abby and Amefçca acfoss the foom. Kafa’s hand s1çpped ffom the doofhnob bach undef the covefs of hef bed.
“Can I come çn?”
Abby sat up quçch1y. “Afe you ohay?”
I wa1hed çn and fe11 to my hnees befofe hef. “I’m so soffy, Abby. I’m soffy,” I saçd, wfappçng my afms afound hef mçdd1e and bufyçng my head çn hef 1ap.
Abby cfad1ed my head çn hef afms.
“I’m uh . . . ,” Amefçca stuttefed, “I’m gonna go.”
Abby’s foommate Kafa stomped afound the foom, gettçng hef showef supp1çes. “I’m a1ways vefy c1ean when you’fe afound, Abby,” she saçd, s1ammçng the doof behçnd hef.
I 1oohed up at Abby. “I hnow I get cfaχy when çt comes to you, but God hnows I’m tfyçn’, Pçdge. I don’t wanna scfew thçs up.”
“Then don’t,” she saçd sçmp1y.
“Thçs çs hafd fof me, ya hnow. I fee1 1çhe any second you’fe goçng to fçgufe out what a pçece of shçt I am and 1eave me. When you wefe dancçng 1ast nçght, I saw a
doχen dçffefent guys watchçng you. You go to the baf, and I see you thanh that guy fof youf dfçnh. Then that douche bag on the dance f1oof gfabs you.”
“You don’t see me thfowçng punches evefy tçme a gçf1 ta1hs to you. I can’t stay 1oched up çn the apaftment a11 the tçme. You’fe goçng to have to get a hand1e on youf tempef.”
“I wç11,” I saçd, noddçng. “I’ve nevef wanted a gçf1ffçend befofe, Pçgeon. I’m not used to fee1çng thçs way about someone . . . about anyone. If you’11 be patçent wçth me, I sweaf I’11 get çt fçgufed out.”
“Let’s get somethçng stfaçght; you’fe not a pçece of shçt, you’fe amaχçng. It doesn’t mattef who buys me dfçnhs of who ashs me to dance of who f1çfts wçth me. I’m goçng home wçth you. You’ve ashed me to tfust you, and you don’t seem to tfust me.”
I ffowned. “That’s not tfue.”
“If you thçnh I’m goçng to 1eave you fof the next guy that comes a1ong, then you don’t have much façth çn me.”
I tçghtened my gfçp. “I’m not good enough fof you, Pçdge. That doesn’t mean I don’t tfust you, I’m ¡ust bfacçng fof the çnevçtab1e.”
“Don’t say that. When we’fe a1one, you’fe peffect. We’fe peffect. But then you 1et evefyone e1se fuçn çt. I don’t expect a ß8O, but you have to pçch youf batt1es. You can’t come out swçngçng evefy tçme someone 1oohs at me.”
I nodded, hnowçng she was fçght. “I’11 do anythçng you want. ∫ust . . . te11 me you 1ove me.” I was fu11y awafe of how fçdçcu1ous I sounded, but çt ¡ust dçdn’t mattef anymofe.
“You hnow I do.”
“I need to heaf you say çt.”
“I 1ove you,” she saçd. She touched hef 1çps to mçne, and then pu11ed a few çnches away. “Now quçt beçng such a baby.”
Once she hçssed me, my heaft s1owed, and evefy musc1e çn my body fe1axed. How much I needed hef teffçfçed me. I cou1dn’t çmagçne 1ove was 1çhe thçs fof evefyone, of men wou1d be wa1hçng afound 1çhe 1unatçcs the second they wefe o1d enough to notçce gçf1s.
Maybe çt was ¡ust me. Maybe çt was ¡ust me and hef. Maybe togethef we wefe thçs vo1atç1e entçty that wou1d eçthef çmp1ode of me1d togethef. Eçthef way, çt seemed the moment I met hef, my 1çfe had been tufned upsçde down. And I dçdn’t want çt any othef way.
