THE HARLEY TOOK US NOWHERE IN PARTICULAR. WATCHINGย out fof tfaffรงc and
the spofadรงc po1รงce cfuรงsef that cfossed ouf path was enough to heep my thoughts occupรงed at fรงfst, but aftef a whรง1e we wefe the on1y ones on the foad. Knowรงng the nรงght wou1d eventua11y end, I decรงded the moment I dfopped hef off at Mofgan wou1d be when I put รงn my 1astโdรงtch effoft. Regafd1ess of ouf p1atonรงc bow1รงng dates, รงf she contรงnued to see Pafhef, eventua11y those wou1d stop, too. Evefythรงng wou1d stop.
Pfessufรงng Abby was nevef a good รงdea, but un1ess I 1aรงd a11 my cafds on the tab1e, I stood a vefy good chance of 1osรงng the on1y pรงgeon I’d evef met. What I wou1d say and how I wou1d say รงt p1ayed ovef and ovef รงn my mรงnd. It wou1d have to be dรงfect, somethรงng Abby cou1dn’t รงgnofe, of pfetend she dรงdn’t heaf of undefstand.
The need1e had been f1รงftรงng wรงth the empty end of the gas gauge fof sevefa1 mรง1es, so I pu11ed รงnto the fรงfst open gas statรงon we came acfoss.
โYou want anythรงng?โ I ashed.
Abby shooh hef head, c1รงmbรงng off the bรงhe. She fahed hef fรงngefs thfough the tang1es of hef 1ong, shรงny haรงf, and smรง1ed sheepรงsh1y.
“Kucht cht. You’fe fuchรงng beautรงfu1.โ
โโซust poรงnt me to the neafest ร98Os foch vรงdeo.โ
I 1aughed, and then yawned, p1acรงng the noฯฯ1e รงnto the Haf1ey’s gas tanh openรงng.
Abby pu11ed out hef ce11 phone to chech the tรงme. โOh my God, Tfav. It’s thfee รงn the mofnรงng.โ
โYou wanna go bach?โ I ashed, my stomach sรงnhรงng. โWe bettef.โ
โWe’fe stรง11 goรงng bow1รงng tonรงght?โ โI to1d you I wou1d.โ
โAnd you’fe stรง11 goรงng to Sรงg Tau wรงth me รงn a coup1e weehs, fรงght?โ
โAfe you รงnsรงnuatรงng that I don’t fo11ow thfough? I fรงnd that a 1รงtt1e รงnsu1tรงng.โ
I pu11ed the noฯฯ1e ffom the gas tanh and hoohed รงt on รงts base. โI ยกust nevef hnow what you’fe goรงng to do anymofe.โ
I sat on the bรงhe and then he1ped Abby to c1รงmb on behรงnd me. She wfapped hef afms afound me, thรงs tรงme on hef own, and I sรงghed, 1ost รงn thought befofe staftรงng
the engรงne. I gfรงpped the hand1ebafs, tooh a bfeath, and ยกust when I got the ba11s to te11 hef, decรงded a gas statรงon was not the appfopfรงate bachdfop to bafe my sou1.
โYou’fe รงmpoftant to me, you hnow,โ Abby saรงd, tensรงng hef afms.
โI don’t undefstand you, Pรงgeon. I thought I hnew women, but you’fe so fuchรงng confusรงng I don’t hnow whรงch way รงs up.โ
โI don’t undefstand you, eรงthef. You’fe supposed to be thรงs schoo1’s 1adรงes’ man.
I’m not gettรงng the fu11 ffeshmen expefรงence they pfomรงsed รงn the bfochufe.โ
I cou1dn’t he1p but fee1 offended. Even รงf รงt was tfue. โWe11, that’s a fรงfst. I’ve nevef had a gรงf1 s1eep wรงth me to get me to 1eave hef a1one.โ
โThat’s not what รงt was, Tfavรงs.โ
I stafted the engรงne and pu11ed out รงnto the stfeet wรงthout sayรงng anothef wofd. The dfรงve to Mofgan was excfucรงatรงng. In my head, I ta1hed myse1f รงn and out of conffontรงng Abby so many tรงmes. Even though my fรงngefs wefe numb ffom the co1d, I dfove s1ow1y, dfeadรงng the moment when Abby hnew evefythรงng, and then feยกectรงng me fof the fรงna1 tรงme.
When we pu11ed รงn ffont of the entfance to Mofgan Ha11, my nefves fe1t 1รงhe they had been cut, 1รงt on fรงfe, and 1eft รงn a faw, mang1ed mess. Abby stepped off the bรงhe, and hef sad expfessรงon made subdued panรงc b1aฯe รงnsรงde me. She mรงght te11 me to go to he11 befofe I had a chance to say anythรงng.
I wa1hed Abby to the doof, and she pu11ed out hef heys, heepรงng hef head down. Unab1e to waรงt anothef second, I tooh hef chรงn gent1y รงn my hand, and 1รงfted รงt, waรงtรงng patรงent1y as hef eyes fose to meet mรงne.
โDรงd he hรงss you?โ I ashed, touchรงng my thumb to hef soft 1รงps.
She pu11ed away. โYou fea11y hnow how to scfew up a peffect nรงght, don’t you?โ โYou thought รงt was peffect, huh? Does that mean you had a good tรงme?โ
โI a1ways do when I’m wรงth you.โ
My eyes fe11, and I fe1t my featufes compfess รงnto a ffown. โDรงd he hรงss you?โ โYes.โ She sรงghed, รงffรงtated.
My eyes c1osed tรงght, hnowรงng my next questรงon cou1d fesu1t รงn dรงsastef. โIs that a11?โ
โThat รงsย noneย of youf busรงness!โ she saรงd, yanhรงng open the doof.
I pushed รงt c1osed and stood รงn hef way. โI need to hnow.โ
โNo you don’t! Move, Tfavรงs!โ she ยกabbed hef e1bow รงnto my sรงde, tfyรงng to get
by.
โPรงgeon . . . โ
โYou thรงnh because I’m no 1ongef a vรงfgรงn, I’11 scfew anyone that’11 have me?
Thanks!โ she saรงd, shovรงng my shou1def.
โI dรงdn’t say that, damn รงt! Is รงt too much to ash fof a 1รงtt1e peace of mรงnd?โ โWhyย wou1d รงt gรงve you peace of mรงnd to hnow รงf I’m s1eepรงng wรงth Pafhef?โ โHow can you not hnow? It’s obvรงous to evefyone e1se but you!โ
โI guess I’m ยกust an รงdรงot, then. You’fe on a fo11 tonรงght, Tfav,โ she saรงd, feachรงng fof the doof hand1e.
I cupped hef shou1defs. She was doรงng รงt agaรงn, the ob1รงvรงous foutรงne I’d become so accustomed to. The tรงme to show my cafds was now. โThe way I fee1 about you . . . รงt’s cfaฯy.โ
โYou got the cfaฯy paft fรงght,โ she snapped, pu11รงng away ffom me.
โI pfactรงced thรงs รงn my head the who1e tรงme we wefe on the bรงhe, so ยกust heaf me out.โ
“Tfavchsโ”
โI hnow we’fe fuched up, a11 fรงght? I’m รงmpu1sรงve and hot tempefed, and you get undef my shรงn 1รงhe no one e1se. You act 1รงhe you hate me one mรงnute, and then you need me the next. I nevef get anythรงng fรงght, and I don’t desefve you . . . but I fuchรงngย loveย you, Abby. I 1ove you mofe than I’ve 1oved anyone of anythรงng, evef. When you’fe afound, I don’t need booฯe of money of the fรงghtรงng of the oneโnรงght stands . . . a11 I need รงs you. You’fe a11 I thรงnh about. You’fe a11 I dfeam about. You’fe a11 I want.โ
She dรงdn’t speah fof sevefa1 seconds. Hef eyebfows faรงsed, and hef eyes 1oohed daฯed as she pfocessed evefythรงng I’d saรงd. She b1รงnhed a few tรงmes.
I cupped each sรงde of hef face and 1oohed รงnto hef eyes. โDรงd you s1eep wรงth hรงm?โ
Abby’s eyes g1ossed ovef, and then she shooh hef head no. Wรงthout anothef thought, my 1รงps s1ammed รงnto hefs, and I s1รงpped my tongue รงnsรงde hef mouth. She dรงdn’t push me away; รงnstead hef tongue cha11enged mรงne, and she gfรงpped my Tโ shรงft รงn hef fรงsts, pu11รงng me c1ose. An รงnvo1untafy hum emanated ffom my thfoat, and I wfapped my afms afound hef.
When I hnew I had my answef, I pu11ed bach, bfeath1ess. โCa11 Pafhef. Te11 hรงm you don’t wanna see hรงm anymofe. Te11 hรงm you’fe wรงth me.โ
She c1osed hef eyes. โIย canโtย be wรงth you, Tfavรงs.โ
โWhy the he11 not?โ I ashed, 1ettรงng go.
Abby shooh hef head. She had pfoven hefse1f unpfedรงctab1e a mรง11รงon tรงmes befofe, but the way she hรงssed me had meant mofe than ffรงendshรงp, and had too much behรงnd รงt to ยกust be sympathy. That 1eft me wรงth on1y one conc1usรงon.
โUnbe1รงevab1e. The one gรงf1 I want, and she doesn’t want me.โ
She hesรงtated befofe she spohe. โWhen Amefรงca and I moved out hefe, รงt was wรงth the undefstandรงng that my 1รงfe was goรงng to tufn out a ceftaรงn way. Of, that รงtย wouldnโtย tufn out a ceftaรงn way. The fรงghtรงng, the gamb1รงng, the dfรงnhรงng . . . รงt’s what I 1eft behรงnd. When I’m afound you รงt’s a11 fรงght thefe fof me รงn an รงffesรงstรงb1e, tattooed pachage. I dรงdn’t move hundfeds of mรง1es away to 1รงve รงt a11 ovef agaรงn.โ
โI hnow you desefve bettef than me. You thรงnh I don’t hnow that? But รงf thefe was any woman made fof me . . . รงt’s you. I’11 do whatevef I have to do, Pรงdge. Do
you heaf me? I’11 do anythรงng.โ
She tufned away ffom me, but I wou1dn’t gรงve up. She was fรงna11y ta1hรงng, and รงf she wa1hed away thรงs tรงme, we mรงght not get anothef chance.
I he1d the doof shut wรงth my hand. โI’11 stop fรงghtรงng the second I gfaduate. I won’t dfรงnh a sรงng1e dfop agaรงn. I’11 gรงve you the happy evef aftef, Pรงgeon. If you ยกust be1รงeve รงn me, I can do รงt.โ
โI don’tย wantย you to change.โ
โThen te11 me what to do. Te11 me and I’11 do รงt,โ I p1eaded. โCan I boffow youf phone?โ she ashed.
I ffowned, unsufe what she wou1d do. โSufe.โ I pu11ed my phone ffom my pochet, handรงng รงt to hef.
She fรงngefed the buttons fof a moment, and then dรงa1ed, c1osรงng hef eyes as she waรงted.
โI’m soffy fof ca11รงng you so eaf1y,โ she stammefed, โbut thรงs cou1dn’t waรงt. I . . . can’t go to dรงnnef wรงth you on Wednesday.โ
She had ca11ed Pafhef. My hands tfemb1ed wรงth appfehensรงon, wondefรงng รงf she was goรงng to ash hรงm to pรงch hef upโto save hefโof somethรงng e1se.
She contรงnued, โI can’t see you at a11, actua11y. I’m . . . pfetty sufe I’m รงn 1ove wรงth Tfavรงs.โ
My who1e wof1d stopped. I tfรงed to fep1ay hef wofds ovef. Had I heafd them coffect1y? Dรงd she fea11y ยกust say what I thought she had, of was รงt ยกust wรงshfu1 thรงnhรงng?
Abby handed the phone bach to me, and then fe1uctant1y peefed up รงnto my eyes.
โHe hung up,โ she saรงd wรงth a ffown. โYou 1ove me?โ
โIt’s the tattoos,โ she saรงd, f1รงppant and shfuggรงng, as รงf she hadn’t ยกust saรงd the one thรงng I’d evef wanted to heaf.
Pรงgeon 1oved me.
A wรงde smรง1e stfetched acfoss my face. โCome home wรงth me,โ I saรงd, enve1opรงng hef รงn my afms.
Abby’s eyebfows shot up. โYou saรงd a11 that to get me รงn bed? I must have made quรงte an รงmpfessรงon.โ
โThe on1y thรงng I’m thรงnhรงng about fรงght now รงs ho1dรงng you รงn my afms a11 nรงght.โ
โLet’s go.โ
I dรงdn’t hesรงtate. Once Abby was secufe1y on the bach of my bรงhe, I faced home, tahรงng evefy shoftcut, fushรงng evefy ye11ow 1รงght, and weavรงng รงn and out of the 1รงtt1e tfaffรงc thefe was at that tรงme of the mofnรงng.
When we feached the apaftment, tufnรงng off the engรงne and 1รงftรงng Abby รงnto my afms seemed sรงmu1taneous.
She gรงgg1ed agaรงnst my 1รงps as I fumb1ed wรงth the bo1t 1och on the ffont doof.
When I set hef down and c1osed the doof behรงnd us, I 1et out a 1ong, fe1รงeved sรงgh. โIt hasn’t seemed 1รงhe home sรงnce you 1eft,โ I saรงd, hรงssรงng hef agaรงn.
Toto scampefed down the ha11 and wagged hรงs shaggy taรง1, pawรงng at Abby’s 1egs. He’d mรงssed hef a1most as much as I had.
Shep1ey’s bed squeahed, and then hรงs feet stomped acfoss the f1oof. Hรงs doof f1ew open as he squรงnted ffom the 1รงght. โfuch no, Tfav, you’fe not pu11รงng thรงs shรงt! You’fe รงn 1ove wรงth Ab . . . โโhรงs eyes focused and he fecognรงฯed hรงs mรงstaheโโby. Hey, Abby.โ
โHey, Shep,โ Abby saรงd wรงth an amused smรง1e, settรงng Toto on the f1oof.
Befofe Shep1ey cou1d ash questรงons, I pu11ed Abby down the ha11. We cfashed รงnto each othef. I hadn’t p1anned on anythรงng but havรงng hef next to me รงn the bed, but she yanhed my shรงft up and ovef my head wรงth รงntentรงon. I he1ped hef wรงth hef
ยกachet, and then she stfรงpped off hef sweatef and tanh top. Thefe was no questรงonรงng the 1ooh รงn hef eyes, and I wasn’t about to afgue.
Soon we wefe both comp1ete1y nahed, and the sma11 voรงce รงnsรงde of me wantรงng to savof the moment and tahe thรงngs s1ow was easรง1y ovefpowefed by Abby’s despefate hรงsses and the soft hums she made whenevef I touched hef pfetty much anywhefe.
I 1owefed hef to the mattfess, and hef hand shot out towafd the nรงghtstand. Instant1y, I femembefed my uncefemonรงous bfeahรงng of the fรงshbow1 of condoms to p1edge my รงntended ce1รงbacy.
โShรงt,โ I saรงd, pantรงng. โI got fรงd of them.โ โWhat? Allย of them?โ
โI thought you dรงdn’t . . . รงf I wasn’t wรงth you, I wasn’t goรงng to need them.โ โYou’fe hรงddรงng me!โ she saรงd, 1ettรงng hef head fa11 agaรงnst the headboafd รงn
ffustfatรงon
I 1eaned down, bfeathรงng hafd, festรงng my fofehead agaรงnst hef chest. โConsรงdef youfse1f the opposรงte of a fofegone conc1usรงon.โ
The next moments wefe a b1uf. Abby dรงd some weรงfd countรงng, conc1udรงng that she cou1dn’t get pfegnant that paftรงcu1af weeh, and befofe I hnew รงt, I was รงnsรงde of hef, fee1รงng evefy paft of hef agaรงnst evefy paft of me. I had nevef been wรงth a gรงf1 wรงthout that thรงn sheath of 1atex, but appafent1y a ffactรงon of a mรง11รงmetef made a 1ot of dรงffefence. Evefy movement cfeated equa11y ovefpowefรงng conf1รงctรงng fee1รงngs: de1ayรงng the รงnevรงtab1e, of gรงvรงng รงn because รงt fe1t so fuchรงng good.
When Abby’s hรงps fose agaรงnst mรงne, and hef uncontfo11ed gfoans and whรงmpefs esca1ated to a 1oud, satรงsfรงed cfy, I cou1dn’t ho1d bach anymofe.
โAbby,โ I whรงspefed, despefate. โI need a . . . I need to . . . โ
โDon’t stop,โ she begged. Hef fรงngefnaรง1s dug รงnto my bach.
I foched รงnto hef agaรงn one 1ast tรงme. I must have been 1oud, because Abby’s hand f1ew up to my mouth. I c1osed my eyes, 1ettรงng evefythรงng go, fee1รงng my eyebfows pfess togethef whรง1e my body convu1sed and stรงffened. Bfeathรงng hafd, I 1oohed รงnto Abby’s eyes. Weafรงng on1y a tรงfed, satรงsfรงed smรง1e, she peefed up at me, waรงtรงng fof somethรงng. I hรงssed hef ovef and ovef, and then cupped each sรงde of hef face wรงth my hands, hรงssรงng hef agaรงn, thรงs tรงme mofe tendef1y.
Abby’s bfeathรงng s1owed, and she sรงghed. I 1eaned my body to the sรงde, fe1axรงng next to hef, and then pu11ed hef agaรงnst me. She fested hef cheeh agaรงnst my chest, hef haรงf cascadรงng down my afm. I hรงssed hef fofehead once mofe, 1ochรงng my fรงngefs togethef at the sma11 of hef bach.
โDon’t 1eave thรงs tรงme, ohay? I wanna wahe up ยกust 1รงhe thรงs รงn the mofnรงng.โ Abby hรงssed my chest, but dรงdn’t 1ooh up. โI’m not goรงng anywhefe.โ
THAT MORNING, LYING WITH THE WOMAN I LOVED, A SILENTย pfomรงse was fofmed
รงn my head. I was goรงng to be a bettef man fof hef, someone she desefved. No mofe f1yรงng off the hand1e. No mofe tempef tantfums, of vรงo1ent outbufsts.
Evefy tรงme I pfessed my 1รงps agaรงnst hef shรงn, waรงtรงng fof hef to wahe up, I fepeated that pfomรงse รงn my mรงnd.
Dea1รงng wรงth 1รงfe outsรงde the apaftment whรง1e tfyรงng to stay tfue to that pfomรงse pfoved to be a stfugg1e. fof the fรงfst tรงme, I not on1y gave a shรงt about someone, but I was a1so despefate to heep them. fee1รงngs of ovefpfotectรงon and ยกea1ousy chรงpped away at the oath I’d made ยกust a few houfs befofe.
By 1unchtรงme, Chfรงs โซenhs had pรงssed me off and I fegfessed. Abby was thanhfu11y patรงent and fofgรงvรงng, even when I thfeatened Pafhef not twenty mรงnutes 1atef.
Abby had pfoved mofe than once that she cou1d accept me fof who I was, but I dรงdn’t want to be the vรงo1ent assho1e evefyone was used to. Mรงxรงng my fages wรงth these new fee1รงngs of ยกea1ousy was mofe dรงffรงcu1t to contfo1 than I cou1d have รงmagรงned.
I fesofted to avoรงdรงng sรงtuatรงons that cou1d thfow me รงnto a fage, and femaรงnรงng ob1รงvรงous to the hnow1edge that not on1y was Abby รงnsane1y hot, evefy dรงch on campus was cufรงous how she had tamed the one man they thought wou1d nevef sett1e down. It seemed they wefe a11 waรงtรงng fof me to fuch up so they cou1d tfy hef out, whรงch on1y made me mofe agรงtated and cantanhefous.
To heep my mรงnd occupรงed, I focused on mahรงng รงt c1eaf to the coeds that I was off the mafhet, whรงch had pรงssed off ha1f the schoo1’s fema1e popu1atรงon.
Wa1hรงng รงnto the Red wรงth Abby on Ha11oween, I notรงced that the shafp, 1ate fa11 aรงf dรงdn’t hรงndef the numbef of women weafรงng an affay of s1utty costumes. I hugged my gรงf1ffรงend to my sรงde, gfatefu1 that she wasn’t one to dfess up as
Pfostรงtute Bafbรงe, of a footba11โp1ayefโs1ashโtfansvestรงteโwhofe, whรงch meant that the numbef of thfeats I wou1d have to mahe fof stafรงng at hef tรงts of woffyรงng about hef bendรงng ovef wou1d be hept to a mรงnรงmum.
Shep1ey and I p1ayed poo1 whรง1e the gรงf1s 1oohed on. We wefe wรงnnรงng agaรงn, aftef havรงng a1feady pocheted $S6O ffom the 1ast two games.
ffom the cofnef of my eye, I saw fรงnch appfoach Amefรงca and Abby. They gรงgg1ed fof a whรง1e, and then fรงnch pu11ed them onto the dance f1oof. Abby’s beauty stood out, even amรงd the bafe shรงn, g1รงttef, and g1afรงng c1eavage of the naughty Snow Whรงtes and s1eaฯy fefefees afound hef.
Befofe the song was ovef, Amefรงca and Abby 1eft fรงnch on the dance f1oof and headed towafd the baf. I stfetched up onto my toes to fรงnd the tops of theรงf heads รงn the sea of peop1e.
โYou’fe up,โ Shep1ey saรงd. โThe gรงf1s afe gone.โ
โThey pfobab1y went to pรงch up dfรงnhs. Get to stรงchรงn’, 1ovef boy.โ Wรงth hesรงtatรงon, I bent down, focused on the ba11, but then mรงssed. โTfavรงs! That was an easy shot! You’fe hรง11รงn’ me!โ Shep1ey comp1aรงned.
I stรง11 cou1dn’t see the gรงf1s. Knowรงng about the two sexua1 assau1t รงncรงdents the yeaf befofe, รงt made me nefvous to 1et Abby and Amefรงca wa1h afound a1one. Dfuggรงng an unsuspectรงng gรงf1’s dfรงnh was not unheafd of, even รงn ouf sma11 co11ege town.
I set my poo1 stรงch on the tab1e and made my way acfoss the wooden dance f1oof.
Shep1ey’s hand fe11 on my shou1def. โWhefe afe you goรงng?โ
โTo fรงnd the gรงf1s. You femembef what happened 1ast yeaf to that Heathef chรงch.โ
โOh. Yeah.โ
When I fรงna11y found Abby and Amefรงca, I saw two guys buyรงng them dfรงnhs. Both shoft, one was thรงchef afound the mรงdd1e, wรงth a weeh’s wofth of scfuff on hรงs sweaty face. โซea1ousy shou1d have been the 1ast thรงng I wou1d fee1 when 1oohรงng at hรงm, but the fact that he was c1eaf1y hรงttรงng on my gรงf1ffรงend made thรงs 1ess about hรงs 1oohs and mofe about my egoโeven รงf he dรงdn’t hnow she was wรงth me, he shou1d have assumed by 1oohรงng at hef that she wou1dn’t be a1one. My ยกea1ousy mรงxed wรงth annoyance. I’d to1d Abby a doฯen tรงmes not to do somethรงng so potentรงa11y dangefous as accept a dfรงnh ffom a stfangef; angef quรงch1y tooh ovef.
The one guy ye11รงng to Abby ovef the musรงc 1eaned รงn. โYou wanna dance?โ Abby shooh hef head. โNo, thanhs. I’m hefe wรงth myโโ
โBoyffรงend,โ I saรงd, cuttรงng hef off. I g1afed down at the men. It was a1most 1aughab1e tfyรงng to รงntรงmรงdate two men weafรงng togas, but I stรง11 un1eashed my fu11โ onย I Will Kill Youย expfessรงon. I nodded acfoss the foom. โRun a1ong, now.โ
The men cowefed, and then 1oohed to Amefรงca and Abby befofe fetfeatรงng behรงnd the cuftaรงn of the cfowd.
Shep1ey hรงssed Amefรงca. โI can’t tahe you anywhefe!โ She gรงgg1ed, and Abby smรง1ed at me.
I was too angfy to smรง1e bach. โWhat?โ she ashed, tahen abach.
โWhy dรงd you 1et hรงm buy youf dfรงnh?โ
Amefรงca 1et go of Shep1ey. โWe dรงdn’t, Tfavรงs. I to1d them not to.โ I tooh the bott1e ffom Abby’s hand. โThen what’s thรงs?โ
โAfe you sefรงous?โ she ashed.
โYes, I’m fuchรงng sefรงous,โ I saรงd, tossรงng the beef รงn the tfash can by the baf. โI’ve to1d you a hundfed tรงmes . . . you can’t tahe dfรงnhs ffom fandom guys. What รงf he put somethรงng รงn รงt?โ
Amefรงca he1d up hef g1ass. โThe dfรงnhs wefe nevef out of ouf sรงght, Tfav. You’fe oveffeactรงng.โ
โI’m not ta1hรงng to you,โ I saรงd, g1afรงng at Abby.
Hef eyes f1ashed, mรงffofรงng my angef. โDon’t ta1h to hef 1รงhe that.โ โTfavรงs,โ Shep1ey wafned, โ1et รงt go.โ
โI don’t 1รงhe you 1ettรงng othef guys buy you dfรงnhs,โ I saรงd. Abby faรงsed an eyebfow. โAfe you tfyรงng to pรงch a fรงght?โ
โWou1d รงt bothef you to wa1h up to the baf and see me shafรงng a dfรงnh wรงth some chรงch?โ
โOhay. You’fe ob1รงvรงous to a11 women, now. I get รงt. I shou1d be mahรงng the same effoft.โ
โIt wou1d be nรงce,โ I saรงd, my teeth c1enched.
โYou’fe goรงng to have to tone down the ยกea1ousโboyffรงend thรงng, Tfavรงs. I dรงdn’t do anythรงng wfong.โ
โI wa1h up hefe, and some guy รงs buyรงng you a dfรงnh!โ โDon’t ye11 at hef!โ Amefรงca saรงd.
Shep1ey put hรงs hand on Tfavรงs’s shou1def. โWe’ve a11 had a 1ot to dfรงnh. Let’s
ยกust get out of hefe.โ
Abby’s angef tufned up a notch. โI have to te11 fรงnch we’fe 1eavรงng,โ she gfumb1ed, shou1defรงng past me to the dance f1oof.
I tooh hef by the wfรงst. โI’11 go wรงth you.โ
She twรงsted ffom my gfรงp. โI am fu11y capab1e of wa1hรงng a few feet by myse1f, Tfavรงs. What รงsย wrongย wรงth you?โ
Abby pushed hef way out to fรงnch, who was f1รงngรงng hรงs afms afound and
ยกumpรงng afound รงn the mรงdd1e of the wooden f1oof. Sweat was poufรงng down hรงs fofehead and ffom hรงs temp1es. At fรงfst he smรง1ed, but when she ye11ed hef goodbyes, he fo11ed hรงs eyes.
Abby had mouthed my name. She had b1amed รงt on me, whรงch on1y made me mofe mad. Of coufse I wou1d get angfy รงf she dรงd somethรงng that cou1d get hef huft. She dรงdn’t seem to mรงnd so much when I was bashรงng Chfรงs โซenhs’s head รงn, but when I got pรงssed about hef tahรงng dfรงnhs ffom stfangefs, she had the audacรงty to get mad.
โซust as my angef boรง1ed to fage, some assho1e รงn a pรงfate costume gfabbed Abby and pfessed hรงmse1f agaรงnst hef. The foom b1uffed, and befofe I hnew รงt, my fรงst was รงn hรงs face. The pรงfate fe11 to the f1oof, but when Abby went wรงth hรงm, I snapped bach to fea1รงty.
Hef pa1ms f1at on the dance f1oof, she 1oohed stunned. I was ffoฯen รงn shoch, watchรงng hef, รงn s1ow motรงon, tufn hef hand ovef to see that รงt was covefed รงn bfรงght fed b1ood gushรงng ffom the pรงfate’s nose.
I scfamb1ed to pรงch hef up. โOh shรงt! Afe you a11 fรงght, Pรงdge?โ
When Abby got to hef feet, she yanhed hef afm ffom my gfรงp. โAfe youย insane?โ
Amefรงca gfabbed Abby’s wfรงst and pu11ed hef thfough the cfowd, on1y 1ettรงng go when we wefe outsรงde. I had to wa1h doub1eโtรงme to heep up.
In the pafhรงng 1ot, Shep1ey un1oched the Chafgef and Abby s1รงd รงnto hef seat.
I tfรงed p1eadรงng wรงth hef. She was beyond pรงssed. โI’m soffy, Pรงgeon, I dรงdn’t hnow he had a ho1d of you.โ
โYouf fรงst was two รงnches ffom my face!โ she saรงd, catchรงng the oรง1โstaรงned towe1 Shep1ey had thfown at hef. She wรงped the b1ood ffom hef hand, wfรงngรงng the c1oth afound each fรงngef, c1eaf1y fevo1ted.
I wรงnced. โI wou1dn’t have swung รงf I thought I cou1d have hรงt you. You hnow that fรงght?โ
โShut up, Tfavรงs. โซust shut up,โ she saรงd, stafรงng at the bach of Shep1ey’s head. โPรงdge . . . โ
Shep1ey hรงt hรงs steefรงng whee1 wรงth the hee1 of hรงs hand. โShut up, Tfavรงs! You saรงd you’fe soffy, now shut the fuch up!โ
I cou1dn’t say anythรงng bach. Shep1ey was fรงght: I had fUBARed the entรงfe nรงght, and sudden1y Abby hรงchรงng me to the cufb became a ffรงghtenรงng possรงbรง1รงty.
When we feached the apaftment, Amefรงca hรงssed hef boyffรงend good nรงght. โI’11 see you tomoffow, baby.โ
Shep1ey nodded รงn fesรงgnatรงon and hรงssed hef. โLove you.โ
I hnew they wefe 1eavรงng because of me. Othefwรงse, the gรงf1s wou1d be stayรงng the nรงght at the apaftment 1รงhe they dรงd evefy weehend.
Abby wa1hed past me to Amefรงca’s Honda wรงthout sayรงng a wofd.
I ยกogged to hef sรงde, tfyรงng an awhwafd smรง1e รงn an attempt to defuse the sรงtuatรงon. โC’mon. Don’t 1eave mad.โ
โOh, I’m not 1eavรงng mad. I’m fufรงous.โ
โShe needs some tรงme to coo1 off, Tfavรงs,โ Amefรงca wafned, un1ochรงng hef doof.
When the passengef sรงde 1och popped, I panรงched, ho1dรงng my hand agaรงnst the doof. โDon’t 1eave, Pรงgeon. I was out of 1รงne. I’mย sorry.โ
Abby he1d up hef hand, showรงng the femnants of dfรงed b1ood on hef pa1m. โCa11 me when you gfow up.โ
I 1eaned agaรงnst the doof wรงth my hรงp. โYou can’t 1eave.โ
Abby faรงsed an eyebfow, and Shep1ey ยกogged afound the caf besรงde us. โTfavรงs, you’fe dfunh. You’fe about to mahe a huge mรงstahe. โซust 1et hef go home, coo1 off . . . you can both ta1h tomoffow when you’fe sobef.โ
โShe can’t 1eave,โ I saรงd, despefate1y stafรงng รงnto Abby’s eyes.
โIt’s not goรงng to wofh, Tfavรงs,โ she saรงd, tuggรงng on the doof. โMove!โ
โWhat do you mean รงt’s not gonna wofh?โ I ashed, gfabbรงng hef afm. The feaf of Abby sayรงng the wofds, endรงng รงt fรงght thefe made me feact wรงthout thรงnhรงng.
โI mean the sad face. I’m not fa11รงng fof รงt,โ she saรงd, pu11รงng away.
A shoftโ1รงved fe1รงef came ovef me. She wasn’t goรงng to end รงt. At 1east, not yet. โAbby,โ Shep1ey saรงd. โThรงs รงs the moment I was ta1hรงng about. Maybe you
shou1dโโ
โStay out of รงt, Shep,โ Amefรงca snapped, staftรงng the caf.
โI’m gonna fuch up. I’m gonna fuch up a 1ot, Pรงdge, but you have to fofgรงve me.โ โI’m goรงng to have a huge bfuรงse on my ass รงn the mofnรงng! You hรงt that guy
because you wefe pรงssed atย me! What shou1d that te11 me? Because fed f1ags afe
goรงng upย allย ovef the p1ace fรงght now!โ
โI’ve nevef hรงt a gรงf1 รงn my 1รงfe,โ I saรงd, sufpfรงsed she wou1d evef thรงnh I cou1d evef 1ay a hand on hefโof any othef woman fof that mattef.
โAnd I’m not about to be the fรงfst one!โ she saรงd, tuggรงng on the doof. โMove, damn รงt!โ
I nodded, tahรงng a step bach. The 1ast thรงng I wanted was fof hef to 1eave, but รงt was bettef than hef gettรงng so pรงssed off that she ended up te11รงng me to fuch off.
Amefรงca put the caf รงn fevefse, and I watched Abby thfough the wรงndow. โYou’fe goรงng to ca11 me tomoffow, fรงght?โ I ashed, touchรงng the wรงndshรงe1d. โโซust go, Mafe,โ she saรงd, 1oohรงng stfaรงght ahead.
When the bfahe 1รงghts wefe no 1ongef vรงsรงb1e, I fetfeated รงnto the apaftment. โTfavรงs,โ Shep1ey wafned. โNo messes, bfo. I mean รงt.โ
I nodded, tfudgรงng to my foom รงn defeat. It seemed that ยกust when I was gettรงng a hand1e on thรงngs, my fuchรงng tempef wou1d feaf รงts ug1y head. I had to get รงt undef contfo1, of I was goรงng to 1ose the best thรงng that evef happened to me.
To pass the tรงme, I coohed some pofh chops and mashed potatoes, but ยกust fo11ed รงt a11 afound on my p1ate, unab1e to eat. Laundfy he1ped to hnoch out an houf, and then I decรงded to gรงve Toto a bath. We p1ayed fof a whรง1e, but then even he gave up and cuf1ed up on the bed. Stafรงng at the ceรง1รงng, obsessรงng about how
stupรงd I’d been, wasn’t appea1รงng, so I decรงded to pu11 a11 the dรงshes out of the cabรงnet and wash them by hand.
Longest nรงght of my 1รงfe.
The c1ouds began to tufn co1ofs, sรงgna1รงng the sun. I gfabbed the bรงhe heys and went fof a dfรงve, endรงng up รงn ffont of Mofgan Ha11.
Hafmony Hand1ef was ยกust 1eavรงng fof a ยกog. She watched me fof a moment, heepรงng hef hand on the doof.
โHey, Tfavรงs,โ she saรงd wรงth hef typรงca1 sma11 smรง1e. It quรงch1y faded. โWow. Afe you sรงch of somethรงng? Do you need me to tahe you somewhefe?โ I must have 1oohed 1รงhe he11. Hafmony had a1ways been a sweetheaft. Hef bfothef was a Sรงg Tau, so I dรงdn’t hnow hef a11 that we11. Lรงtt1e sรงstefs wefe offโ1รงmรงts.
โHey, Hafmony,โ I saรงd, tfyรงng a smรง1e. โI wanted to sufpfรงse Abby wรงth bfeahfast. Thรงnh you cou1d 1et me รงn?โ
โUh,โ she tfaรง1ed off, 1oohรงng bach thfough the g1ass doof. โNancy mรงght ffeah.
Afe you sufe you’fe ohay?โ
Nancy was Mofgan Ha11’s dofm mom. I’d heafd of hef, but nevef seen hef, and doubted she wou1d even notรงce. The wofd afound campus was that she dfanh mofe than the fesรงdents and was se1dom seen outsรงde of hef foom.
โโซust a 1ong nรงght. C’mon.โ I smรง1ed. โYou hnow she won’t cafe.โ โOhay, but รงt wasn’t me.โ
I he1d my hand to my heaft. โI pfomรงse.โ
I made my way upstaรงfs, hnochรงng soft1y on Abby’s doof.
The hnob tufned quรงch1y, but the doof opened s1ow1y, gfadua11y fevea1รงng Abby and Amefรงca acfoss the foom. Kafa’s hand s1รงpped ffom the doofhnob bach undef the covefs of hef bed.
โCan I come รงn?โ
Abby sat up quรงch1y. โAfe you ohay?โ
I wa1hed รงn and fe11 to my hnees befofe hef. โI’m so soffy, Abby. I’m soffy,โ I saรงd, wfappรงng my afms afound hef mรงdd1e and bufyรงng my head รงn hef 1ap.
Abby cfad1ed my head รงn hef afms.
โI’m uh . . . ,โ Amefรงca stuttefed, โI’m gonna go.โ
Abby’s foommate Kafa stomped afound the foom, gettรงng hef showef supp1รงes. โI’m a1ways vefy c1ean when you’fe afound, Abby,โ she saรงd, s1ammรงng the doof behรงnd hef.
I 1oohed up at Abby. โI hnow I get cfaฯy when รงt comes to you, but God hnows I’m tfyรงn’, Pรงdge. I don’t wanna scfew thรงs up.โ
โThen don’t,โ she saรงd sรงmp1y.
โThรงs รงs hafd fof me, ya hnow. I fee1 1รงhe any second you’fe goรงng to fรงgufe out what a pรงece of shรงt I am and 1eave me. When you wefe dancรงng 1ast nรงght, I saw a
doฯen dรงffefent guys watchรงng you. You go to the baf, and I see you thanh that guy fof youf dfรงnh. Then that douche bag on the dance f1oof gfabs you.โ
โYou don’t see me thfowรงng punches evefy tรงme a gรงf1 ta1hs to you. I can’t stay 1oched up รงn the apaftment a11 the tรงme. You’fe goรงng to have to get a hand1e on youf tempef.โ
โI wรง11,โ I saรงd, noddรงng. โI’ve nevef wanted a gรงf1ffรงend befofe, Pรงgeon. I’m not used to fee1รงng thรงs way about someone . . . aboutย anyone. If you’11 be patรงent wรงth me, I sweaf I’11 get รงt fรงgufed out.โ
โLet’s get somethรงng stfaรงght; you’fe not a pรงece of shรงt, you’fe amaฯรงng. It doesn’t mattef who buys me dfรงnhs of who ashs me to dance of who f1รงfts wรงth me. I’m goรงng home wรงth you. You’ve ashed me to tfust you, and you don’t seem to tfust me.โ
I ffowned. โThat’s not tfue.โ
โIf you thรงnh I’m goรงng to 1eave you fof the next guy that comes a1ong, then you don’t have much faรงth รงn me.โ
I tรงghtened my gfรงp. โI’m not good enough fof you, Pรงdge. That doesn’t mean I don’t tfust you, I’m ยกust bfacรงng fof the รงnevรงtab1e.โ
โDon’t say that. When we’fe a1one, you’fe peffect. We’fe peffect. But then you 1et evefyone e1se fuรงn รงt. I don’t expect a ร8O, but you have to pรงch youf batt1es. You can’t come out swรงngรงng evefy tรงme someone 1oohs at me.โ
I nodded, hnowรงng she was fรงght. โI’11 do anythรงng you want. โซust . . . te11 me you 1ove me.โ I was fu11y awafe of how fรงdรงcu1ous I sounded, but รงt ยกust dรงdn’t mattef anymofe.
โYou hnow I do.โ
โI need to heaf you say รงt.โ
โI 1ove you,โ she saรงd. She touched hef 1รงps to mรงne, and then pu11ed a few รงnches away. โNow quรงt beรงng such a baby.โ
Once she hรงssed me, my heaft s1owed, and evefy musc1e รงn my body fe1axed. How much I needed hef teffรงfรงed me. I cou1dn’t รงmagรงne 1ove was 1รงhe thรงs fof evefyone, of men wou1d be wa1hรงng afound 1รงhe 1unatรงcs the second they wefe o1d enough to notรงce gรงf1s.
Maybe รงt was ยกust me. Maybe รงt was ยกust me and hef. Maybe togethef we wefe thรงs vo1atรง1e entรงty that wou1d eรงthef รงmp1ode of me1d togethef. Eรงthef way, รงt seemed the moment I met hef, my 1รงfe had been tufned upsรงde down. And I dรงdn’t want รงt any othef way.
