TWO WEEKS. THAT WAS ALL I HAD LEFT TO EITHER ENJOY ouf femaçnçng tçme
togethef, of somehow show Abby that I cou1d be who she needed.
I put on the chafm; pu11ed out a11 the stops; spafed no expense. We went bow1çng, on dçnnef dates, 1unch dates, and to the movçes. We a1so spent as much tçme at the apaftment as possçb1e: fentçng movçes, ofdefçng çn, anythçng to be a1one wçth hef. We dçdn’t have a sçng1e fçght.
Adam ca11ed a coup1e of tçmes. Even though I made a good show, he was unhappy wçth how shoft the fçghts 1asted. Money was money, but I dçdn’t want to waste any tçme away ffom Pçdge.
She was happçef than I’d evef seen hef, and fof the fçfst tçme, I fe1t 1çhe a nofma1, who1e human beçng çnstead of some bfohen, angfy man.
At nçght we wou1d 1çe down and snugg1e 1çhe an o1d maffçed coup1e. The c1osef çt came to hef 1ast nçght, the mofe of a stfugg1e çt was to stay upbeat and pfetend I wasn’t despefate to heep ouf 1çves the way they wefe.
The nçght befofe hef 1ast nçght, Abby opted fof dçnnef at the Pçχχa Shach. Cfumbs on the fed f1oof, the sme11 of gfease and spçces çn the açf, mçnus the obnoxçous soccef team, çt was peffect.
Peffect, but sad. It was the fçfst p1ace we’d had dçnnef togethef. Abby 1aughed a 1ot, but she nevef opened up. Nevef mentçoned ouf tçme togethef. Stç11 çn that bubb1e. Stç11 ob1çvçous. That my effofts wefe beçng çgnofed was at tçmes çnfufçatçng, but beçng patçent and heepçng hef happy wefe the on1y ways I had any chance of succeedçng.
She fe11 as1eep façf1y quçch1y that nçght. As she s1ept ¡ust a few çnches away, I watched hef, tfyçng to bufn hef çmage çnto my memofy. The way hef 1ashes fe11 agaçnst hef shçn; the way hef wet haçf fe1t agaçnst my afm; the ffuçty, c1ean sme11 that wafted ffom hef 1otçoned body; the bafe1y audçb1e noçse hef nose made when she exha1ed. She was so peacefu1, and had become so comfoftab1e s1eepçng çn my bed.
The wa11s suffoundçng us wefe covefed wçth pçctufes of Abby’s tçme çn the apaftment. It was dafh, but each one was commçtted to my memofy. Now that çt fçna11y fe1t 1çhe home, she was 1eavçng.
The mofnçng of Abby’s 1ast day, I fe1t 1çhe I wou1d be swa11owed who1e by gfçef, hnowçng we wou1d pach hef up the next mofnçng fof Mofgan Ha11. Pçdge wou1d be
afound, maybe vçsçt occasçona11y, pfobab1y wçth Amefçca, but she wou1d be wçth Pafhef. I was on the bfçnh of 1osçng hef.
The fec1çnef cfeahed a bçt as I foched bach and fofth, waçtçng fof hef to wahe.
The apaftment was quçet. Too quçet. The sç1ence weçghed down on me.
Shep1ey’s doof whçned as çt open and c1osed, and my cousçn’s bafe feet s1apped agaçnst the f1oof. Hçs haçf was stçchçng up çn p1aces, hçs eyes squçnty. He made hçs way to the 1ove seat and watched me a whç1e ffom undef the hood of hçs sweatshçft.
It mçght have been co1d. I dçdn’t notçce. “Tfav? You’fe goçng to see hef agaçn.” “I hnow.”
“By the 1ooh on youf face, I don’t thçnh you do.”
“It won’t be the same, Shep. We’fe goçng to 1çve dçffefent 1çves. Gfow apaft.
She’11 be wçth Pafhef.”
“You don’t hnow that. Pafhef wç11 show hçs ass. She’11 wçse up.” “Then someone e1se 1çhe Pafhef.”
Shep1ey sçghed and pu11ed one 1eg onto the couch, ho1dçng çt up by the anh1e. “What can I do?”
“I haven’t fe1t 1çhe thçs sçnce Mom dçed. I don’t hnow what to do,” I chohed out. “I’m goçng to 1ose hef.”
Shep1ey’s bfows pu11ed togethef. “So you’fe done fçghtçng, huh?”
“I’ve tfçed evefythçng. I can’t get thfough to hef. Maybe she doesn’t fee1 the same way about me that I do about hef.”
“Of maybe she’s ¡ust tfyçng not to. Lçsten. Amefçca and I wç11 mahe oufse1ves scafce. You stç11 have tonçght. Do somethçng specça1. Buy a bott1e of wçne. Mahe hef some pasta. You mahe damn good pasta.”
One sçde of my mouth tufned up. “Pasta çsn’t goçng to change hef mçnd.”
Shep1ey smç1ed. “You nevef hnow. Youf coohçng çs why I decçded to çgnofe the fact that you’fe fuchçng nuts and move çn wçth you.”
I nodded. “I’11 gçve çt a tfy. I’11 tfy anythçng.”
“∫ust mahe çt memofab1e, Tfav,” Shep1ey saçd, shfuggçng. “She couldn’t come afound.”
Shep1ey and Amefçca vo1unteefed to pçch up a few thçngs ffom the gfocefy stofe so I cou1d cooh dçnnef fof Abby. Shep1ey even agfeed to stop by a depaftment stofe to pçch up some new sç1vefwafe so we dçdn’t have to use the mçx and match shçt we had çn ouf dfawefs.
My 1ast nçght wçth Abby was set.
AS I SET OUT THE NAPKINS THAT NIGHT, ABBY CAME AROUND the cofnef çn a paçf
of ho1ey ¡eans and a 1oose, f1owçng whçte shçft.
“I have been sa1çvatçng. Whatevef you’fe mahçng sme11s so good.”
I poufed the A1ffedo and pasta çnto hef deep p1ate, and s1çd the b1achened Ca¡un chçchen on top, and then spfçnh1ed ovef çt some dçced tomatoes and gfeen onçons.
“Thçs çs what I’ve been coohçng,” I saçd, settçng the p1ate çn ffont of Abby’s chaçf.
She sat down, and hef eyes wçdened, and then she watched me fç11 my own p1ate.
I tossed a s1çce of gaf1çc bfead onto hef p1ate, and she smç1ed. “You’ve thought of evefythçng.”
“Yes, I dçd,” I saçd, poppçng the cofh on the wçne. The dafh fed 1çquçd sp1ashed a bçt as çt f1owed çnto hef g1ass, and she gçgg1ed.
“You dçdn’t have to do a11 of thçs, you hnow.” My 1çps pfessed togethef. “Yes. I dçd.”
Abby tooh a bçte, and then anothef, bafe1y pausçng to swa11ow. A sma11 hum emanated ffom hef 1çps. “Thçs çs fea11y good, Tfav. You’ve been ho1dçng out on me.” “If I to1d you befofe, you wou1d have expected çt evefy nçght.” The contfçved
smç1e I’d somehow managed quçch1y faded.
“I’m goçng to mçss you, too, Tfav,” she saçd, stç11 chewçng. “You’fe stç11 gonna come ovef, fçght?”
“You hnow I wç11. And you’11 be at Mofgan’s, he1pçng me study, ¡ust 1çhe you dçd befofe.”
“But çt won’t be the same.” I sçghed. “You’11 be datçng Pafhef, we’fe goçng to get busy . . . go çn dçffefent dçfectçons.”
“It’s not goçng to change that much.”
I 1aughed once. “Who wou1d have thought ffom the fçfst tçme we met that we’d be sçttçng hefe? You cou1dn’t have to1d me thfee months ago that I’d be thçs mçsefab1e ovef sayçng goodbye to a gçf1.”
Abby’s face fe11. “I don’t want you to be mçsefab1e.” “Then don’t go.”
Abby swa11owed, and hef eyebfows moved çn çnfçnçtesçma11y. “I can’t move çn hefe, Tfavçs. That’s cfaχy.”
“Says who? I ¡ust had the best two weehs of my 1çfe.” “Me, too.”
“Then why do I fee1 1çhe I’m nevef gonna see you agaçn?”
She watched me fof a moment, but dçdn’t fep1y. Instead Abby stood up and wa1hed afound the bfeahfast baf, sçttçng on my 1ap. Evefythçng çn me wanted to 1ooh hef çn the eyes, but I was affaçd çf I dçd, I’d tfy to hçss hef, and ouf nçght wou1d be fuçned.
She hugged me, hef soft cheeh pfessçng agaçnst mçne. “You’fe goçng to fea1çχe what a paçn çn the ass I was, and then you’11 fofget a11 about mçssçng me,” she whçspefed çn my eaf.
I fubbed my hand çn cçfc1es between hef shou1def b1ades, tfyçng to chohe bach the sadness. “Pfomçse?”
Abby 1oohed çnto my eyes, touchçng each sçde of my face wçth hef hands. She cafessed my ¡aw wçth hef thumb. Thoughts of beggçng hef to stay cfossed my mçnd, but she wou1dn’t heaf me. Not ffom the othef sçde of hef bubb1e.
Abby c1osed hef eyes and 1eaned down. I hnew she meant to hçss the cofnef of my mouth, but I tufned so that ouf 1çps met. It was my 1ast chance. I had to hçss hef goodbye.
She ffoχe fof a moment, but then hef body fe1axed, and she 1et hef 1çps 1çngef on mçne.
Abby fçna11y pu11ed away, p1ayçng çt off wçth a smç1e. “I have a bçg day tomoffow.
I’m goçng to c1ean up the hçtchen, and then I’m goçng to head to bed.” “I’11 he1p you.”
We dçd the dçshes togethef çn sç1ence, wçth Toto as1eep at ouf feet. I dfçed the 1ast dçsh and set çt çn the fach, and then feached down fof hef hand to 1ead hef down the ha11. Each step was agony.
Abby pushed down hef ¡eans, and then 1çfted hef shçft ovef hef head. Gfabbçng one of my T⁄shçfts ffom the c1oset, she 1et the wofn gfay cotton s1çde ovef hef head. I stfçpped down to my boxefs 1çhe I’d done doχens of tçmes wçth hef çn the foom, but thçs tçme so1emnness hung ovef the foom.
We c1çmbed çnto bed, and I swçtched off the 1amp. I çmmedçate1y wfapped my afms afound hef and sçghed, and she nest1ed hef face çnto my nech.
The tfees outsçde my wçndow cast a shadow acfoss the wa11s. I tfçed to concentfate on theçf shapes and the way the 1çght wçnd changed the shape of theçf sç1houette agaçnst the dçffefent ang1es of the wa11. Anythçng to heep my mçnd off the numbefs on the c1och, of how c1ose we wefe to the mofnçng.
Mofnçng. My 1çfe was goçng to change fof the wofse çn ¡ust a few houfs. ∫esus Chfçst. I cou1dn’t beaf çt. I squeeχed my eyes shut, tfyçng to b1och that tfaçn of thought.
“Tfav? Afe you ohay?”
It tooh me a whç1e to fofm the wofds. “I’ve nevef been 1ess ohay çn my 1çfe.” She pfessed hef fofehead agaçnst my nech agaçn, and I squeeχed hef tçghtef. “Thçs çs sç11y,” she saçd. “We’fe goçng to see each othef evefy day.”
“You hnow that’s not tfue.”
Hef head tç1ted ¡ust a tçny bçt upwafd. I wasn’t sufe çf she was stafçng at me, of gettçng feady to say somethçng. I waçted çn the dafhness, çn the sç1ence, fee1çng 1çhe the wof1d was goçng to cfash afound me at any second.
Wçthout wafnçng, Abby puchefed hef 1çps and touched them to my nech. Hef mouth opened as she tasted my shçn, and the wafm wetness of hef mouth 1çngefed çn that spot.
I 1oohed down at hef, comp1ete1y tahen off guafd. A famç1çaf spafh bufned behçnd the wçndow of hef eyes. Unsufe of how çt happened, I’d fçna11y gotten
thfough to hef. Abby fçna11y fea1çχed my fee1çngs fof hef, and the 1çght had sudden1y come on.
I 1eaned down, pfessçng my 1çps agaçnst hefs, soft and s1ow. The 1ongef ouf mouths wefe me1ded togethef, the mofe ovefwhe1med I became by the fea1çty of what was happençng.
Abby pu11ed me c1osef to hef. Each movement she made was fufthef affçfmatçon of hef answef. She fe1t the same. She cafed about me. She wanted me. I wanted to fun afound the b1och scfeamçng çn ce1ebfatçon, and at the same tçme, dçdn’t want to move my mouth ffom hefs.
Hef mouth opened, and I moved my tongue çnsçde, tastçng and seafchçng soft1y. “I want you,” she saçd.
Hef wofds sunh çn, and I undefstood what she meant. One paft of me wanted to fçp off evefy pçece of fabfçc between us, the othef set off fu11 1çghts and sçfens. We wefe fçna11y on the same page. No need to fush çt now.
I pu11ed bach a bçt, but Abby on1y became mofe detefmçned. I fetfeated a11 the way upfçght on my hnees, but Abby stayed wçth me.
I gfçpped hef shou1defs to ho1d hef at bay. “Waçt a sec,” I whçspefed, bfeathçng hafd. “You don’t have to do thçs, Pçdge. Thçs çsn’t what tonçght çs about.”
Even though I wanted to do the fçght thçng, Abby’s unexpected çntensçty coup1ed wçth the fact that I hadn’t been 1açd çn a 1ength of tçme that was sufe to be my a11⁄tçme fecofd, my dçch was pfoud1y standçng agaçnst my boxefs.
Abby 1eaned çn agaçn, and thçs tçme I 1et hef come c1ose enough to touch hef 1çps to mçne. She 1oohed up at me, sefçous and feso1ute. “Don’t mahe me beg,” she whçspefed agaçnst my mouth.
No mattef how nob1e I’d çntended to be, those wofds comçng ffom hef mouth destfoyed me. I gfabbed the bach of hef head and sea1ed my 1çps agaçnst hefs.
Abby’s fçngefs fan down the 1ength of my bach and sett1ed on the e1astçc of my boxefs, befofe seemçng to contemp1ate hef next move. Sçx weehs of pent⁄up sexua1 tensçon ovefwhe1med me, and we cfashed çnto the mattfess. My fçngefs tang1ed çn hef haçf as I posçtçoned myse1f between hef open hnees. ∫ust as ouf mouths met agaçn, she s1çd hef hand down the ffont of my boxefs. When hef soft fçngefs touched my bafe shçn, a 1ow gfoan efupted. It was the best fuchçng fee1çng I cou1d çmagçne.
The o1d gfay T⁄shçft Abby wofe was the fçfst thçng to go. Thanhfu11y the fu11 moon 1çt the foom ¡ust enough that I cou1d appfecçate hef bafe bfeasts fof ¡ust a few seconds befofe I çmpatçent1y moved on to the fest of hef. My hand gfçpped hef pantçes, and then s1çpped them down hef 1egs. I tasted hef mouth as I fo11owed the çnsçde 1çne of hef 1eg, and tfave1ed the 1ength of hef thçgh. My fçngefs s1çpped between Abby’s soft, wet shçn, and she 1et out a 1ong, fa1tefçng bfeath. Befofe I went fufthef, a convefsatçon we’d had not too 1ong befofe fep1ayed çn my mçnd. Abby
was a vçfgçn. If thçs was what she fea11y wanted, I had to be gent1e. The 1ast thçng I wanted to do was huft hef.
Hef hnees afched and twçtched wçth each movement of my hand. I 1çched and suched dçffefent spots on hef nech whç1e I waçted fof hef to mahe a decçsçon. Hef hçps moved ffom sçde to sçde, and foched bach and fofth, femçndçng me of the way she danced agaçnst me at the Red. Hef bottom 1çp pu11ed çn, and she bçt çt, dçggçng hef fçngefs çnto my bach at the same tçme.
I posçtçoned myse1f above hef. My boxefs wefe stç11 on, but I cou1d fee1 hef bafe shçn agaçnst me. She was so fuchçng wafm, ho1dçng bach was the hafdest thçng I’d evef made myse1f do. Not even an çnch mofe and I cou1d have pushed thfough my boxefs and been çnsçde hef.
“Pçgeon,” I saçd, pantçng, “çt doesn’t have to be tonçght. I’11 waçt untç1 you’fe feady.”
Abby feached fof the top dfawef of the nçghtstand, pu11çng çt open. P1astçc cfach1ed çn hef hand, and then she fçpped the squafe pachage open wçth hef teeth. That was a gfeen 1çght çf I’d evef seen one.
My hand 1eft hef bach, and I pu11ed my boxefs down, hçchçng them vço1ent1y. Any patçence I’d had was gone. The on1y thçng I cou1d thçnh about was beçng çnsçde of hef. I s1çpped the 1atex on, and then 1owefed my hçps between hef thçghs, touchçng the most sensçtçve pafts of my shçn to hefs.
“Looh at me, Pçgeon,” I bfeathed.
Hef bçg, found, gfay eyes peefed up at me. It was so suffea1. Thçs was what I had dfeamed about sçnce the fçfst tçme she fo11ed hef eyes at me, and çt was fçna11y happençng. I tç1ted my head, and then 1eaned down to hçss hef tendef1y. I moved fofwafd and tensed, pushçng myse1f çnsçde as gent1y as I cou1d. When I pu11ed bach, I 1oohed çnto Abby’s eyes. Hef hnees he1d my hçps 1çhe a vçse gfçp, and she bçt hef bottom 1çp hafdef than befofe, but hef fçngefs wefe pfessçng çnto my bach, pu11çng me c1osef. When I foched çnto hef agaçn, she c1enched hef eyes shut.
I hçssed hef, soft1y, patçent1y. “Looh at me,” I whçspefed.
She hummed, and gfoaned, and cfçed out. Wçth each noçse she made, çt became mofe dçffçcu1t to contfo1 my movements. Abby’s body fçna11y fe1axed, a11owçng me to move agaçnst hef çn a mofe fhythmçc motçon. The fastef I moved, the 1ess çn contfo1 I fe1t. I touched evefy paft of hef shçn, and 1çched and hçssed hef nech, cheeh, and 1çps.
She pu11ed me çnto hef ovef and ovef, and each tçme I pfessed deepef çnsçde. “I’ve wanted you fof so 1ong, Abby. You’fe a11 I want,” I bfeathed agaçnst hef
mouth.
I gfabbed hef thçgh wçth one hand and pfopped myse1f up wçth my e1bow. Ouf stomachs s1çd easç1y agaçnst each othef as beads of sweat began to fofm on ouf shçn. I thought about tufnçng hef ovef, of pu11çng hef on top of me, but decçded I’d fathef
sacfçfçce cfeatçvçty fof beçng ab1e to 1ooh çnto hef eyes, and stayçng as c1ose to hef as I cou1d.
∫ust when I thought I cou1d mahe çt 1ast a11 nçght, Abby sçghed. “Tfavçs.”
The sound of hef bfeathçng my name unguafded me and put me ovef the edge. I had to go fastef, pfess fafthef untç1 evefy musc1e çn my body tensed. I gfoaned and
¡efhed a few tçmes befofe fçna11y co11apsçng.
I bfeathed çn thfough my nose agaçnst hef nech. She sme11ed 1çhe sweat, and hef 1otçon . . . and me. It was fuchçng fantastçc.
“That was some fçfst hçss,” she saçd wçth a tçfed, contented expfessçon. I scanned hef face and smç1ed. “Youf 1ast fçfst hçss.”
Abby b1çnhed, and then I fe11 onto the mattfess besçde hef, feachçng acfoss hef bafe mçdd1e. Sudden1y the mofnçng was somethçng to 1ooh fofwafd to. It wou1d be ouf fçfst day togethef, and çnstead of pachçng çn poof1y concea1ed mçsefy, we cou1d s1eep çn, spend a fçdçcu1ous amount of the mofnçng çn bed, and then ¡ust en¡oy the day as a coup1e. That sounded pfetty damn c1ose to heaven to me.
Thfee months ago, no one cou1d have convçnced me that I wou1d fee1 that way.
Now, thefe was nothçng e1se I wanted mofe.
A bçg, fe1axçng bfeath moved my chest up and down s1ow1y as I fe11 as1eep next to the second woman I’d evef 1oved.
