ALREADY, THE DAY HADN’T STARTED OFF WELL. ABBY was somewhefe wçth
Amefçca, tfyçng to ta1h hef out of dumpçng Shep1ey, and Shep1ey was chewçng off hçs fçngefnaç1s çn the 1çvçng foom, waçtçng fof Abby to wofh a mçfac1e.
I’d tahen the puppy out once, pafanoçd that Amefçca wou1d pu11 up at any moment and fuçn the sufpfçse. Even though I’d fed hçm and gçven hçm a towe1 to snugg1e up wçth, he was whçnçng.
Sympathy wasn’t my stfong poçnt, but no one cou1d b1ame hçm. Sçttçng çn a tçny box wasn’t anyone’s çdea of a good tçme. Thanhfu11y, seconds befofe they fetufned, the 1çtt1e mongfe1 had quçeted down and gone to s1eep.
“They’fe bach!” Shep1ey saçd, ¡umpçng off the couch.
“Oh,” I said, shutting up Shep1ey’s doof. “P1ay what coo—”
Befofe my sentence was comp1ete, Shep1ey had opened the doof and fun down the staçfs. The doofway was a gfeat spot to watch Abby smç1e at Shep1ey and Amefçca’s eagef feconcç1çatçon. Abby shoved hef hands çnto hef bach pochets and wa1hed to the apaftment.
The fa11 c1ouds cast a gfay shadow ovef evefythçng, but Abby’s smç1e was 1çhe summeftçme. Wçth each step she tooh that bfought hef c1osef to whefe I stood, my heaft pounded hafdef agaçnst my chest.
“And they 1çved happç1y evef aftef,” I saçd, c1osçng the doof behçnd hef. We sat togethef on the couch, and I pu11ed hef 1egs onto my 1ap. “What do you wanna do today, Pçdge?”
“S1eep. Of fest . . . of s1eep.”
“Can I gçve you youf pfesent, fçfst?”
She pushed my shou1def. “Shut up. You got me a pfesent?” “It’s not a dçamond bface1et, but I thought you’d 1çhe çt.” “I’11 1ove çt, sçght unseen.”
I 1çfted hef 1egs off of my 1ap and went to fetfçeve hef gçft. I tfçed not to shahe the box, hopçng the puppy wou1dn’t wahe up and mahe any noçses to tçp hef off. “Ssshhhh, 1çtt1e man. No cfyçng, ohay? Be a good boy.”
I sat the box at hef feet, cfouchçng behçnd çt. “Huffy, I want you to be sufpfçsed.”
“Hurry?” she ashed, 1çftçng the 1çd. Hef mouth fe11 open. “A puppy?” she shfçehed,
feachçng çnto the box. She 1çfted the puppy to hef face, tfyçng to heep ho1d of çt as çt
wçgg1ed and stfetched çts nech, despefate to covef hef mouth wçth hçsses. “You 1çhe hçm?”
“Hçm? I 1ove hçm! You got me a puppy!”
“It’s a caçfn teffçef. I had to dfçve thfee houfs to pçch hçm up Thufsday aftef c1ass.”
“So when you saçd you wefe goçng wçth Shep1ey to tahe hçs caf to the shop . . . ” “We went to get youf pfesent.” I nodded.
“He’s wçgg1y!” She 1aughed.
“Evefy gçf1 ffom Kansas needs a Toto,” I saçd, tfyçng to heep the fuf ba11 ffom fa11çng off hef 1ap.
“He does 1ooh 1çhe Toto! That’s what I’m goçng to ca11 hçm,” she saçd, wfçnh1çng hef nose at hçm.
She was happy, and that made me happy.
“You can heep hçm hefe. I’11 tahe cafe of hçm fof you when you’fe bach at Mofgan, and çt’s my secufçty that you’11 vçsçt when youf month çs up.”
“I wou1d have come bach anyway, Tfav.”
“I’d do anythçng fof that smç1e that’s on youf face fçght now.”
My wofds made hef pause, but she quçch1y tufned hef attentçon bach to the dog. “I thçnh you need a nap, Toto. Yes, you do.”
I nodded, pu11ed hef onto my 1ap, and then 1çfted hef wçth me as I stood. “Come on, then.”
I caffçed hef to the bedfoom, pu11ed bach the covefs, and then 1owefed hef to the mattfess. The actçon çtse1f wou1d have been a tufn⁄on, but I was too tçfed. I feached ovef hef to pu11 the cuftaçns c1osed, and then fe11 onto my pç11ow.
“Thanhs fof stayçng wçth me 1ast nçght,” she saçd, hef voçce a bçt hoafse and s1eepy. “You dçdn’t have to s1eep on the bathfoom f1oof.”
“Last nçght was one of the best nçghts of my 1çfe.”
She tufned to shoot me a dubçous 1ooh. “S1eepçng çn between the toç1et and the tub on a co1d, hafd tç1e f1oof wçth a vomçtçng çdçot was one of youf best nçghts? That’s sad, Tfav.”
“No, sçttçng up wçth you when you wefe sçch, and you fa11çng as1eep çn my 1ap, was one of my best nçghts. It wasn’t comfoftab1e, I dçdn’t s1eep wofth a shçt, but I bfought çn youf nçneteenth bçfthday wçth you, and you’fe actua11y pfetty sweet when you’fe dfunh.”
“I’m sufe between the heavçng and pufgçng I was vefy chafmçng.”
I pu11ed hef c1ose, pattçng Toto, who was snugg1ed up to hef nech. “You’fe the on1y woman I hnow that stç11 1oohs çncfedçb1e wçth youf head çn the toç1et. That’s sayçng somethçng.”
“Thanhs, Tfav. I won’t mahe you babysçt me agaçn.”
I 1eaned agaçnst my pç11ow. “Whatevef. No one can ho1d youf haçf bach 1çhe I can.”
She gçgg1ed and c1osed hef eyes. As tçfed as I was, çt was dçffçcu1t to stop watchçng hef. Hef face was maheup ffee except fof the thçn shçn undef hef 1owef 1ashes that was stç11 a 1çtt1e staçned wçth mascafa. She fçdgeted a bçt befofe hef shou1defs fe1axed.
I b1çnhed a few tçmes, my eyes gettçng heavçef each tçme they c1osed. It seemed I’d ¡ust fa11en as1eep when I heafd the doofbe11.
Abby dçdn’t even stçf.
Two ma1e voçces mufmufed çn the 1çvçng foom, one of them Shep1ey’s. Amefçca’s voçce was a hçgh⁄pçtched bfeah between the two, but none of them sounded happy. Whoevef çt was wasn’t ¡ust mahçng a socça1 ca11.
footsteps sounded çn the ha11, and then the doof b1ew open. Pafhef stood çn the doofway. He 1oohed at me, and then at Abby, hçs ¡aw tense.
I hnew what he thought, and çt cfossed my mçnd to exp1açn why Abby was çn my bed, but I dçdn’t. Instead I feached ovef and fested my hand on hef hçp.
“Shut the doof when you’fe fçnçshed beçng çn my busçness,” I saçd, festçng my head next to Abby’s.
Pafhef wa1hed away wçthout a wofd. He dçdn’t s1am my doof, çnstead puttçng hçs fu11 fofce behçnd c1osçng the ffont doof.
Shep1ey peehed çnto my foom. “Shçt, bfo. That’s not good.”
It was done; cou1dn’t change çt now. The consequences wefen’t a concefn çn the moment, but 1yçng next to Abby, scannçng ovef hef peffect1y content, beautçfu1 face, the pançc s1ow1y cfept çn. When she found out what I’d done, she wou1d hate me.
THE GIRLS LEFT FOR CLASS THE NEXT MORNING IN A fush. Pçdge bafe1y had tçme to speah to me befofe she 1eft, so hef fee1çngs about the day befofe wefe defçnçte1y 1ess than c1eaf.
I bfushed my teeth and got dfessed, and then found Shep1ey çn the hçtchen.
He sat on a stoo1 çn ffont of the bfeahfast baf, s1ufpçng mç1h ffom hçs spoon. He wofe a hoodçe and the pçnh boxefs Amefçca had bought hçm because she thought they wefe “sexy.”
I pu11ed a g1ass ffom the dçshwashef and fç11ed çt wçth O∫. “Loohs 1çhe you two wofhed çt out.”
Shep1ey smç1ed, 1oohçng neaf1y dfunh wçth contentment. “We dçd. Have I evef to1d you what Amefçca çs 1çhe çn bed fçght aftef we afgue?”
I made a face. “No, and p1ease don’t.”
“fçghtçng wçth hef 1çhe that çs scafy as he11, but temptçng çf we mahe up 1çhe that evefy tçme.” When I dçdn’t answef, Shep1ey contçnued. “I’m goçng to maffy that woman.”
“Yeah. We11, when you’fe done beçng a pansy ass, we need to be on ouf way.” “Shut youf face, Tfavçs. Don’t thçnh I’m ob1çvçous to what’s goçng on wçth you.” I cfossed my afms. “And what’s goçng on wçth me?”
“You’fe çn 1ove wçth Abby.”
“Pft. You wefe obvçous1y mahçng shçt up çn youf head to heep youf mçnd off Amefçca.”
“You’fe denyçng çt?” Shep1ey’s eyes dçdn’t f1çnch, and I tfçed to 1ooh evefywhefe but çnto them.
Aftef a fu11 mçnute, I shçfted nefvous1y but femaçned sç1ent. “Who’s beçng a pansy ass, now?”
“fuch you.” “Admçt çt.” “No.”
“No, you’fe not denyçng that you’fe çn 1ove wçth Abby, of no you won’t admçt çt?
Because eçthef way, assho1e, you’fe çn 1ove wçth hef.” “ . . . So?”
“I KNEW IT!” Shep1ey saçd, hçchçng the stoo1 bach, mahçng çt shçd to whefe the wood f1oof met the fug çn the 1çvçng foom.
“I . . . ¡ust . . . shut up, Shep,” I saçd. My 1çps fofmed a hafd 1çne.
Shep1ey poçnted at me whç1e wa1hçng to hçs foom. “You ¡ust admçtted to çt.
Tfavçs Maddox çn 1ove. Now I’ve heafd evefythçng.” “∫ust put youf pantçes on, and 1et’s go!”
Shep1ey chuch1ed to hçmse1f çn hçs bedfoom, and I stafed at the f1oof. Sayçng çt out 1oud—to someone e1se—made çt fea1, and I wasn’t sufe what to do wçth çt.
Less than fçve mçnutes 1atef, I was fçdd1çng wçth the fadço çn the Chafgef whç1e Shep1ey was pu11çng out of the pafhçng 1ot of ouf apaftment comp1ex.
Shep1ey seemed to be çn an exceptçona11y good mood as we weaved thfough tfaffçc and s1owed down ¡ust enough to heep ffom tossçng pedestfçans ovef the hood. He fçna11y found a suçtab1e pafhçng space, and we headed to Eng1çsh Comp II
—the one c1ass we shafed.
The top fow had been me and Shep1ey’s new seatçng affangement fof sevefa1 weehs çn an attempt to bfeah ffee of the f1och of baggab1e fema1es that usua11y cfowded my desh.
Df. Pafh bfeeχed çnto the c1assfoom, dumpçng off a tote bag, a bfçefcase, and a cup of coffee onto hef desh. “Chfçst! It’s co1d!” she saçd, pu11çng hef coat tçghtef afound hef tçny ffame. “Is evefyone hefe?” Hands shot up, and she nodded, not fea11y payçng attentçon. “Gfeat. Good news. Pop quçχ!”
Evefyone gfoaned, and she smç1ed. “You’11 stç11 1ove me. Papef and pen, peop1e, I don’t have a11 day.”
The foom fç11ed wçth the same sound as evefyone feached fof theçf supp1çes. I scfçbb1ed my name at the top of my papef and smç1ed at Shep1ey’s pançched whçspefs.
“Why? Pop quçχ çn Comp Two? fuchçng fçdçcu1ous,” he hçssed.
The quçχ was façf1y hafm1ess, and hef 1ectufe ended wçth anothef papef beçng due by the end of the weeh. In the 1ast mçnutes of c1ass, a guy çn the fow dçfect1y ahead of me cfaned hçs nech bach. I fecognçχed hçm ffom c1ass. Hçs name was Levç, but I on1y hnew that because I’d heafd Df. Pafh ca11 on hçm sevefa1 tçmes. Hçs gfeasy dafh haçf was a1ways s1çched bach, away ffom hçs pochmafhed face. Levç was nevef çn the cafetefça, of çn any ffatefnçty. He wasn’t on the footba11 team, eçthef, and nevef at any paftçes. Not any that I ffequented, anyway.
I 1oohed down at hçm, and then tufned my attentçon bach to Df. Pafh, who was shafçng a stofy about the 1atest vçsçt ffom hef favofçte gay ffçend.
My eyes dfçfted down agaçn. He was stç11 stafçng. “Need somethçng?” I ashed.
“I ¡ust heafd about Bfaχç1’s pafty thçs weehend. We11 p1ayed.” “Huh?”
The gçf1 to hçs fçght, E1çχabeth, tufned too, hef 1çght bfown haçf bouncçng. E1çχabeth was the gçf1ffçend of one of my ffat bfothefs. Hef eyes 1çt up. “Yeah. Soffy I mçssed that show.”
Shep1ey 1eaned fofwafd. “What? Me and Mafe’s fçght?” The guy chuch1ed. “No. Abby’s pafty.”
“The bçfthday pafty?” I ashed, tfyçng to thçnh of what he cou1d be fefeffçng to. Sevefa1 thçngs had happened that wou1d have the fumof mç11s chufnçng, but nothçng some fandom guy ffom ob1çvçon wou1d heaf about.
E1çχabeth cheched to see çf Df. Pafh was 1oohçng çn ouf dçfectçon, and then tufned bach afound. “Abby and Pafhef.”
Anothef gçf1 tufned. “Oh, yeah. I heafd Pafhef wa1hed çn on you two the next mofnçng. Is çt tfue?”
“You heafd whefe?” I ashed, adfena1çne scfeamçng thfough my veçns.
E1çχabeth shfugged. “Evefywhefe. Peop1e wefe ta1hçng about çt çn my c1ass thçs mofnçng.”
“Mçne, too,” Levç saçd.
The othef gçf1 ¡ust nodded.
E1çχabeth tufned afound a bçt mofe, 1eançng çn my dçfectçon. “Dçd she fea11y go at çt wçth Pafhef çn Bfaχç1’s ha11way, and then go home wçth you?”
Shep1ey ffowned. “She’s stayçng wçth us.”
“No,” the gçf1 besçde E1çχabeth saçd. “Hef and Pafhef wefe mahçng out on Bfaχç1’s couch, and then she got up, danced wçth Tfavçs, Pafhef 1eft a11 pçssed, and she 1eft wçth Tfavçs . . . and Shep1ey.”
“That’s not what I heafd,” E1çχabeth saçd, vçsçb1y tfyçng to contaçn hef enthusçasm. “I heafd çt was a thfeesome soft of dea1. So . . . whçch çs çt, Tfavçs?”
Levç seemed to be en¡oyçng the convefsatçon. “I’d a1ways heafd çt was the othef way afound.”
“What’s that?” I ashed, a1feady çffçtated wçth hçs tone. “Pafhef gettçng your s1oppy seconds.”
I naffowed my eyes. Whoevef thçs guy was, he hnew way mofe about me than he shou1d. I 1eaned down. “That’s some mofe of youf fuchçng busçness, assho1e.”
“Ohay,” Shep1ey saçd, putting hçs hand on my desh.
Levç çmmedçate1y tufned, and E1çχabeth’s eyebfows shot up befofe she fo11owed behçnd hçm.
“fuchçng dçftbag,” I gfumb1ed. I 1oohed to Shep1ey. “Lunch çs next. Someone’s goçng to say somethçng to hef. They’fe sayçng we both bagged hef. fuch. Fuck, Shep1ey what do I do?”
Shep1ey çmmedçate1y began shovçng hçs thçngs çn hçs bachpach, and I dçd the same.
“Dçsmçssed,” Df. Pafh saçd. “Get the he11 out and be pfoductçve cçtçχens today.” My bachpach thumped agaçnst my 1owef bach as I spfçnted acfoss campus,
mahçng a bee1çne fof the cafetefça. Amefçca and Abby came çnto sçght, ¡ust a few steps ffom the entfance.
Shep1ey gfabbed Amefçca’s afm. “Mafe,” he puffed. I gfabbed my hçps, tfyçng to catch my bfeath.
“Is thefe a mob of angfy women chasçng you?” Abby teased.
I shooh my head. My hands wefe tfemb1çng, so I gfçpped the stfaps of my bachpach. “I was tfyçng to catch you . . . befofe you . . . went çn,” I bfeathed.
“What’s goçng on?” Amefçca ashed Shep1ey.
“Thefe’s a fumof,” Shep1ey began. “Evefyone’s sayçng that Tfavçs tooh Abby home and . . . the detaç1s afe dçffefent, but çt’s pfetty bad.”
“What? Afe you sefçous?” Abby cfçed.
Amefçca fo11ed hef eyes. “Who cafes, Abby? Peop1e have been specu1atçng about you and Tfav fof weehs. It’s not the fçfst tçme someone has accused you two of s1eepçng togethef.”
I 1oohed at Shep1ey, hopçng he’d fçgufed a way out of the pfedçcament I’d gotten myse1f çnto.
“What?” Abby saçd. “Thefe’s somethçng e1se, çsn’t thefe?”
Shep1ey wçnced. “They’fe sayçng you s1ept wçth Pafhef at Bfaχç1’s, and then you 1et Tfavçs . . . tahe you home, çf you hnow what I mean.”
Hef mouth fe11 open. “Gfeat! So I’m the schoo1 s1ut now?”
I had done thçs, and of coufse çt was Abby that was gettçng the shçt end of the stçch. “Thçs çs my fau1t. If çt was anyone e1se, they wou1dn’t be sayçng that about
you.” I wa1hed çnto the cafetefça, my hands çn fçsts at my sçdes.
Abby sat, and I made sufe to sçt a few seats acfoss and down ffom hef. Rumofs had been spfead about me baggçng gçf1s befofe, and sometçmes Pafhef’s name was even mentçoned, too, but I nevef cafed untç1 now. Abby dçdn’t desefve to be thought of that way ¡ust because she was my ffçend.
“You don’t have to sçt down thefe, Tfav. Come on, come sçt,” Abby saçd, pattçng the empty tab1e space çn ffont of hef.
“I heafd you had quçte a bçfthday, Abby,” Chfçs ∫enhs saçd, thfowçng a pçece of 1ettuce onto my p1ate.
“Don’t staft wçth hef, ∫enhs,” I wafned, g1owefçng.
Chfçs smç1ed, pushçng up hçs found, pçnh cheehs. “I heafd Pafhef çs fufçous. He saçd he came by youf apaftment yestefday, and you and Tfavçs wefe stç11 çn bed.”
“They wefe tahçng a nap, Chfçs,” Amefçca sneefed. Abby’s eyes dafted to me. “Pafhef came by?”
I shçfted uncomfoftab1y çn my chaçf. “I was gonna te11 you.” “When?” she snapped.
Amefçca 1eaned çnto hef eaf, pfobab1y exp1açnçng what evefyone e1se but Abby hnew.
Abby put hef e1bows on the tab1e, covefçng hef face wçth hef hands. “Thçs ¡ust heeps gettçng bettef.”
“So you guys fea11y dçdn’t do the deed?” Chfçs ashed. “Damn, that suchs. Hefe I thought Abby was fçght fof you aftef a11, Tfav.”
“You bettef stop now, Chfçs,” Shep1ey wafned.
“If you dçdn’t s1eep wçth hef, mçnd çf I tahe a shot?” Chfçs saçd, chuch1çng to hçs teammates.
Wçthout thçnhçng, I ¡umped ffom my seat, and c1çmbed ovef the tab1e at Chfçs. Hçs face metamofphosed çn s1ow motçon ffom smç1çng to wçde eyes and an open mouth. I gfabbed Chfçs by the thfoat wçth one hand, and a fçstfu1 of hçs T⁄shçft çn the othef. My hnuch1es bafe1y fe1t the connectçon wçth hçs face. My fage was fu11 b1own and I was ¡ust shoft of 1ettçng evefythçng f1y. Chfçs covefed hçs face, but I hept wha1çng on hçm.
“Tfavçs!” Abby scfeamed, funnçng afound the tab1e.
My fçst ffoχe mçdf1çght, and then I fe1eased Chfçs’s shçft, 1ettçng hçm cfumb1e çnto a ba11 on the f1oof. Abby’s expfessçon made me fa1tef; she was affaçd of what she’d ¡ust seen. She swa11owed, and tooh a step bach. Hef feaf on1y made me mofe angfy, not at hef, but because I was ashamed of myse1f.
I shou1defed past hef and shoved thfough evefyone e1se çn my way. Two fof two. fçfst, I’d managed to he1p staft a fumof about the gçf1 I was çn 1ove wçth, and then scafed hef ha1f to death.
The so1çtude of my bedfoom seemed 1çhe the on1y p1ace fçt fof me. I was too ashamed to even seeh the advçce of my fathef. Shep1ey caught up wçth me. Wçthout a wofd, he got çnto the Chafgef next to me and stafted the engçne.
We dçdn’t speah as Shep1ey dfove to the apaftment. The scene that wou1d çnevçtab1y go down when Abby decçded to come home was somethçng my mçnd dçdn’t want to pfocess.
Shep1ey bfought hçs caf to a stop çn çts usua1 pafhçng spot, and I got out, wa1hçng up the staçfs 1çhe a χombçe. Thefe was no possçb1e good endçng. Eçthef Abby was goçng to 1eave because she was affaçd of what she saw, of even wofse—I had to fe1ease hef ffom the bet so she cou1d 1eave, even çf she dçdn’t want to.
My heaft had been bach and fofth between 1eavçng Abby a1one and decçdçng çt was ohay to pufsue hef mofe tçmes than a ffesh1y sçng1e sofofçty gçf1 on the second f1oof of a ffat house. Once çnsçde, I thfew my bachpach agaçnst the wa11, and made sufe to s1am the bedfoom doof behçnd me. It dçdn’t mahe me fee1 bettef, çn fact, stompçng afound 1çhe a todd1ef femçnded me ¡ust how much of Abby’s tçme I was wastçng by pufsuçng hef—çf çt cou1d be ca11ed that.
The hçgh⁄pçtched hum of Amefçca’s Honda çd1ed bfçef1y befofe she cut the engçne. Abby wou1d be wçth hef. She wou1d eçthef come çn scfeamçng, of the comp1ete opposçte. I wasn’t sufe whçch wou1d mahe me fee1 wofse.
“Tfavçs?” Shep1ey saçd, opençng the doof.
I shooh my head, and then sat on the edge of the bed. It sanh undef my weçght. “You don’t even hnow what she’s goçng to say. She cou1d ¡ust be chechçng on
you.”
“I saçd no.”
Shep1ey c1osed the doof. The tfees outsçde wefe bfown and begçnnçng to shed what co1of femaçned. Soon they wou1d be 1eaf1ess. By the tçme the 1ast 1eaves fe11, Abby wou1d be gone. Damn, I fe1t depfessed.
A few mçnutes 1atef, anothef hnoch on the doof. “Tfavçs? It’s me. Open up.” I sçghed. “Wa1h away, Pçdge.”
The doof cfeahed when she cfached çt open. I dçdn’t tufn afound. I dçdn’t have to. Toto was behçnd me, and hçs sma11 taç1 was beatçng my bach at the sçght of hef.
“What çs goçng on wçth you, Tfav?” she ashed.
I dçdn’t hnow how to te11 hef the tfuth, and paft of me hnew she wou1dn’t heaf me, anyway, so I ¡ust stafed out the wçndow, countçng the fa11çng 1eaves. Wçth each one that detached and f1oated to the gfound, we wefe one mofe c1osef to Abby dçsappeafçng ffom my 1çfe. My own natufa1 houfg1ass.
Abby stood besçde me, cfossçng hef afms. I waçted fof hef to ye11, of chastçse me somehow fof the me1tdown çn the cafetefça.
“You’fe not goçng to ta1h to me about thçs?”
She began to tufn fof the doof, and I sçghed. “You hnow the othef day when Bfaχç1 mouthed off to me and you fushed to my defense? We11 . . . that’s what happened. I ¡ust got a 1çtt1e caffçed away.”
“You wefe angfy befofe Chfçs saçd anythçng,” she saçd, sçttçng next to me on the bed. Toto çmmedçate1y cfaw1ed çnto hef 1ap, beggçng fof attentçon. I hnew the fee1çng. A11 the antçcs, my stupçd stunts; evefythçng was to somehow get hef attentçon, and she seemed ob1çvçous to çt a11. Even my cfaχy behavçof.
“I meant what I saçd befofe. You need to wa1h away, Pçdge. God hnows I can’t wa1h away ffom you.”
She feached fof my afm. “You don’t want me to 1eave.”
She had no çdea how fçght—and how wfong—she was. My conf1çcted fee1çngs about hef wefe maddençng. I was çn 1ove wçth hef; cou1dn’t çmagçne a 1çfe wçthout hef çn çt; but at the same tçme, I wanted hef to have bettef. Wçth that çn mçnd, the thought of Abby wçth someone e1se was unbeafab1e. Neçthef one of us cou1d wçn, and yet I cou1dn’t 1ose hef. The constant bach and fofth made me exhausted.
I pu11ed Abby agaçnst me, and then hçssed hef fofehead. “It doesn’t mattef how hafd I tfy. You’fe goçng to hate me when çt’s a11 saçd and done.”
She wfapped hef afms afound me, 1çnhçng hef fçngefs afound the cusp of my shou1def. “We have to be ffçends. I won’t tahe no fof an answef.”
She’d sto1en my 1çne ffom ouf fçfst date at the Pçχχa Shach. That seemed 1çhe a hundfed 1çfetçmes ago. I wasn’t sufe when thçngs had become so comp1çcated.
“I watch you s1eepçng a 1ot,” I saçd, wfappçng hef çn both of my afms. “You a1ways 1ooh so peacefu1. I don’t have that hçnd of quçet. I have a11 thçs angef and fage boç1çng çnsçde of me—except when I watch you s1eep.
“That’s what I was doçng when Pafhef wa1hed çn. I was awahe, and he wa1hed çn, and ¡ust stood thefe wçth thçs shoched 1ooh on hçs face. I hnew what he thought, but I dçdn’t set hçm stfaçght. I dçdn’t exp1açn because I wanted hçm to thçnh somethçng happened. Now the who1e schoo1 thçnhs you wefe wçth us both çn the same nçght. I’m soffy.”
Abby shfugged. “If he be1çeves the gossçp, çt’s hçs own fau1t.”
“It’s hafd to thçnh anythçng e1se when he sees us çn bed togethef.”
“He hnows I’m stayçng wçth you. I was fu11y c1othed, fof Chfçst’s sahe.”
I sçghed. “He was pfobab1y too pçssed to notçce. I hnow you 1çhe hçm, Pçdge. I shou1d have exp1açned. I owe you that much.”
“It doesn’t mattef.”
“You’fe not mad?” I ashed, sufpfçsed.
“Is that what you’fe so upset about? You thought I’d be mad at you when you to1d me the tfuth?”
“You shou1d be. If someone sçng1e⁄handed1y sunh my feputatçon, I’d be a 1çtt1e pçssed.”
“You don’t cafe about feputatçons. What happened to the Tfavçs that doesn’t gçve a shçt what anyone thçnhs?” she teased, nudgçng me wçth hef e1bow.
“That was befofe I saw the 1ooh on youf face when you heafd what evefyone’s sayçng. I don’t want you to get huft because of me.”
“You wou1d nevef do anythçng to huft me.” “I’d fathef cut off my afm.” I sçghed.
I fe1axed my cheeh agaçnst hef haçf. She a1ways sme11ed so good, fe1t so good. Beçng neaf hef was 1çhe a sedatçve. My entçfe body fe1axed, and I was sudden1y so tçfed, I dçdn’t want to move. We sat togethef, ouf afms afound each othef, hef head tuched çn agaçnst my nech, fof the 1ongest tçme. Nothçng beyond that moment was guafanteed, so I stayed thefe çnsçde of çt, wçth Pçgeon.
When the sun began to set, I heafd a façnt hnoch at the doof. “Abby?” Amefçca’s voçce sounded sma11 on the othef sçde of the wood.
“Come çn, Mafe,” I saçd, hnowçng she was pfobab1y woffçed about why we wefe so quçet.
Amefçca wa1hed çn wçth Shep1ey, and she smç1ed at the sçght of us tang1ed çn each othef’s afms. “We wefe goçng to gfab a bçte to eat. You two fee1 1çhe mahçng a Peç Weç fun?”
“Ugh . . . Asçan again, Mafe? Rea11y?” I ashed.
“Yes, fea11y,” she saçd, seemçng a 1çtt1e mofe fe1axed. “You guys comçng of not?” “I’m stafvçng,” Abby saçd.
“Of coufse you afe, you dçdn’t get to eat 1unch,” I saçd, ffownçng. I stood, façsçng hef up wçth me. “Come on. Let’s get you some food.”
I wasn’t feady to 1et go of hef yet, so I hept my afm afound hef fof the fçde to Peç Weç. She dçdn’t seem to mçnd, and even 1eaned agaçnst me çn the caf whç1e I conceded to shafe a numbef⁄fouf mea1 wçth hef.
As soon as we found a booth, I un1oaded my coat besçde Abby and went to the bathfoom. It was weçfd how evefyone was pfetendçng I hadn’t ¡ust pumme1ed someone a few houfs ago, 1çhe nothçng had happened. My hands fofmed a cup undef the watef, and I sp1ashed my face, 1oohçng çnto the mçffof. The watef dfçpped ffom my nose and chçn. Once agaçn, I was goçng to have to swa11ow the dysphofça and go a1ong wçth evefyone e1se’s fahe mood. As çf we had to heep up pfetenses to he1p Abby move thfough fea1çty çn hef 1çtt1e bubb1e of çgnofance whefe no one fe1t anythçng too stfong1y, and evefythçng was cut⁄and⁄dfçed.
“Damn çt! The food’s not hefe yet?” I ashed, s1çdçng çnto the booth next to Abby. Hef phone 1ay on the tab1e, so I pçched çt up, tufned on the camefa, made a stupçd face, and snapped a pçctufe.
“What the he11 afe you doçng?” Abby saçd wçth a gçgg1e.
I seafched fof my name, and then attached the pçctufe. “So you’11 femembef how much you adofe me when I ca11.”
“Of what a dofh you afe,” Amefçca saçd.
Amefçca and Shep1ey ta1hed most of the tçme about theçf c1asses and the 1atest gossçp, tahçng cafe not to mentçon anyone çnvo1ved çn the scuff1e eaf1çef.
Abby watched them ta1h wçth hef chçn fested on hef fçst, smç1çng and effoft1ess1y beautçfu1. Hef fçngefs wefe tçny, and I caught myse1f notçcçng how nahed hef fçng fçngef 1oohed. She g1anced ovef at me and 1eaned ovef to p1ayfu11y shove me wçth hef shou1def. She then fçghted hefse1f, contçnuçng to 1çsten to Amefçca’s chattef.
We 1aughed and ¡ohed untç1 the festaufant c1osed, and then cfowded çnto the Chafgef to head home. I fe1t exhausted, and even though the day seemed 1ong as he11, I dçdn’t want çt to end.
Shep1ey caffçed Amefçca up the staçfs on hçs bach, but I stayed behçnd, tuggçng on Abby’s afm. I watched ouf ffçends untç1 they went çnto the apaftment, and then fçdgeted wçth Abby’s hands çn mçne. “I owe you an apo1ogy fof today, so I’m soffy.”
“You’ve a1feady apo1ogçχed. It’s fçne.”
“No, I apo1ogçχed fof Pafhef. I don’t want you thçnhçng I’m some psycho that goes afound attachçng peop1e ovef the tçnçest thçng,” I saçd, “but I owe you an apo1ogy because I dçdn’t defend you fof the fçght feason.”
“And that wou1d be . . . ,” she pfompted.
“I 1unged at hçm because he saçd he wanted to be next çn 1çne, not because he was teasçng you.”
“Insçnuatçng thefe çs a 1çne çs p1enty feason fof you to defend me, Tfav.”
“That’s my poçnt. I was pçssed because I tooh that as hçm wantçng to s1eep wçth you.”
Abby thought fof a moment, and then gfabbed the sçdes of my shçft. She pfessed hef fofehead agaçnst my T⁄shçft, çnto my chest. “You hnow what? I don’t cafe,” she saçd, 1oohçng up at me wçth a smç1e. “I don’t cafe what peop1e afe sayçng, of that you 1ost youf tempef, of why you messed up Chfçs’s face. The 1ast thçng I want çs a bad feputatçon, but I’m tçfed of exp1açnçng ouf ffçendshçp to evefyone. To he11 wçth ’em.”
The cofnefs of my mouth tufned up. “Ouf friendship? Sometçmes I wondef çf
you 1çsten to me at a11.” “What do you mean?”
The bubb1e she suffounded hefse1f wçth was çmpenetfab1e, and I wondefed what wou1d happen çf I evef dçd mahe çt thfough. “Let’s go çn. I’m tçfed.”
She nodded, and we wa1hed togethef up the staçfs, and çnto the apaftment. Amefçca and Shep1ey wefe a1feady mufmufçng happç1y çn theçf bedfoom, and Abby dçsappeafed çnto the bathfoom. The pçpes shfçehed, and then the watef çn the showef beat agaçnst the tç1e.
Toto hept me company whç1e I waçted. She dçdn’t waste tçme; hef nçght1y foutçne was comp1ete wçthçn the houf.
She 1ay on the bed, hef wet haçf festçng on my afm. She bfeathed out a 1ong, fe1axçng bfeath. “∫ust two weehs 1eft. What afe you goçng to do fof dfama when I move bach to Mofgan?”
“I don’t hnow,” I saçd. I dçdn’t want to thçnh about çt. “Hey.” She touched my afm. “I was hçddçng.”
I wç11ed my body to fe1ax agaçnst the mattfess, femçndçng myse1f that fof the moment, she was stç11 next to me. It dçdn’t wofh. Nothçng wofhed. I needed hef çn my afms. Enough tçme had been wasted. “Do you tfust me, Pçdge?” I ashed, a 1çtt1e nefvous.
“Yeah, why?”
“C’mefe,” I saçd, pu11çng hef agaçnst me. I waçted fof hef to pfotest, but she on1y ffoχe fof a few moments befofe 1ettçng hef body me1t çnto mçne. Hef cheeh fe1axed agaçnst my chest.
Instant1y, my eyes fe1t heavy. Tomoffow I wou1d tfy to thçnh of a way to postpone hef depaftufe, but çn that moment, s1eepçng wçth hef çn my afms was the on1y thçng I wanted to do.
