LESS THAN A WEEK LATER, I HAD EMPTIED MY SECOND bott1e of whçshey. Between tfyçng to cope wçth Abby spendçng mofe and mofe tçme wçth Pafhef, and hef ashçng me to fe1ease hef ffom the bet so she cou1d 1eave, my 1çps wefe touchçng the mouth of the bott1e mofe than they wefe my cçgafettes.
Pafhef had fuçned the sufpfçse of Abby’s sufpfçse bçfthday pafty Thufsday at 1unch, so I had to scfamb1e to move çt to ffçday nçght çnstead of Sunday. I was thanhfu1 fof the dçstfactçon, but çt wasn’t enough.
Thufsday nçght, Abby and Amefçca wefe chattefçng çn the bathfoom. Abby’s demeanof towafd Amefçca was a stafh contfast to the way she fegafded me: she’d bafe1y spohen to me that evençng sçnce I fefused to 1et hef out of the bet eaf1çef that day.
Hopçng to smooth thçngs ovef, I popped çnto the bathfoom. “Wanna gfab dçnnef?”
“Shep wants to chech out that new Mexçcan p1ace downtown çf you guys wanna go,” Amefçca saçd, absent1y combçng thfough hef haçf.
“I thought me and Pçdge cou1d go a1one tonçght.”
Abby peffected hef 1çpstçch. “I’m goçng out wçth Pafhef.” “Agaçn?” I saçd, fee1çng my face compfess çnto a ffown. “Agaçn,” she 1ç1ted.
The doofbe11 fang, and Abby bufst out of the bathfoom and fushed acfoss the 1çvçng foom f1oof to open the ffont doof.
I fo11owed and stood behçnd hef, mahçng a poçnt to gçve Pafhef my best death g1afe.
“Do you evef 1ooh 1ess than gofgeous?” Pafhef ashed.
“Based on the fçfst tçme she came ovef hefe, I’m goçng to say yes,” I deadpanned.
Abby he1d up a fçngef to Pafhef, and tufned afound. I expected hef to snap bach somethçng shçtty, but she was smç1çng. She thfew hef afms afound my nech and squeeχed.
At fçfst I bfaced myse1f, thçnhçng she was tfyçng to hçt me, but once I fecognçχed she was huggçng me, I fe1axed, and then pu11ed hef çnto me.
She pu11ed away and smç1ed. “Thanhs fof ofgançχçng my bçfthday pafty,” she saçd, genuçne appfecçatçon çn hef voçce. “Can I tahe a façn chech on dçnnef?”
She had the wafmth çn hef eyes I’d mçssed, but most1y I was sufpfçsed that aftef not speahçng to me a11 aftefnoon and evençng, she was çn my afms.
“Tomoffow?”
She hugged me agaçn. “Abso1ute1y.” She waved to me as she tooh Pafhef’s hand and c1osed the doof behçnd hef.
I tufned afound and fubbed the bach of my nech. “I . . . I need a . . . ”
“A dfçnh?” Shep1ey ashed, an edge of woffy çn hçs voçce. He 1oohed to the hçtchen. “We’fe out of evefythçng but beef.”
“Then I guess I’m mahçng a tfçp to the 1çquof stofe.”
“I’11 go wçth you,” Amefçca saçd, ¡umpçng up to gfab hef coat.
“Why don’t you dfçve hçm çn the Chafgef?” Shep1ey saçd, tossçng hef the heys. Amefçca 1oohed down at the co11ectçon of meta1 çn hef hand. “You sufe?”
Shep1ey sçghed. “I don’t thçnh Tfavçs shou1d dfçve. Anywhefe . . . çf you get my meançng.”
Amefçca nodded enthusçastçca11y. “Gotcha.” She gfabbed my hand. “C’mon, Tfav. Let’s get you 1çquofed up.” I began to fo11ow hef out the doof, but she stopped abfupt1y, tufnçng on hef hee1s. “But! You have to pfomçse me somethçng. No fçghtçng tonçght. Dfownçng youf soffows, yes,” she saçd, gfabbçng my chçn and fofcçng me to nod my head. “Mean dfunh, no.” She pushed my chçn bach and fofth.
I pu11ed bach, wavçng hef hand away. “Pfomçse?” She façsed one eyebfow. “Yes.”
She smç1ed. “Then off we go.”
My fçngefs agaçnst my 1çps, my e1bow 1eançng agaçnst the doof, I watched the wof1d pass my wçndow. The co1d ffont bfought wçth çt wç1d wçnd, whçppçng thfough the tfees and bushes, and causçng the hangçng stfeet1çghts to swçng bach and fofth. The shçft of Abby’s dfess was pfetty shoft. Pafhef’s eyes had bettef stay çn hçs head çf çt happened to f1y up. The way Abby’s bafe hnees 1ooh when she sat next to me çn the bachseat of the Chafgef came to mçnd, and I çmagçned Pafhef notçcçng hef soft, shçny shçn as I had, but wçth 1ess appfecçatçon and mofe sa1acçousness.
∫ust as the angef we11ed up wçthçn me, Amefçca pu11ed on the emefgency bfahe. “We’fe hefe.”
The soft g1ow of Ug1y fçxef Lçquof’s sçgn 1çt the entfance. Amefçca was my shadow down açs1e thfee. It on1y tooh me a moment to fçnd what I was 1oohçng fof. The on1y bott1e that wou1d do fof a nçght 1çhe tonçght: ∫çm Beam.
“You sufe you wanna go thefe?” Amefçca ashed, hef voçce tçnged wçth wafnçng. “You do have a sufpfçse bçfthday pafty to set up tomoffow.”
“I’m sufe,” I saçd, tahçng the bott1e to the countef.
The second my ass hçt the passengef seat of the Chafgef, I twçsted the cap and tooh a swçg, 1eançng my head bach agaçnst the headfest.
Amefçca watched me fof a moment, and then shoved the geaf çnto fevefse. “Thçs çs goçng to be fun, I can te11.”
By the tçme we feached the apaftment, I’d dfunh the whçshey çn the nech of the bott1e, and made headway at the top.
“You dçdn’t,” Shep1ey saçd, spottçng the bott1e.
“I dçd,” I saçd, tahçng anothef swçg. “You want some?” I ashed, poçntçng the g1ass mouth çn hçs dçfectçon.
Shep1ey made a face. “God no. I need to stay sobef so I can feact fast enough when you go a11 Tfavçs⁄on⁄∫çm⁄Beam on Pafhef 1atef.”
“No, he won’t,” Amefçca saçd. “He pfomçsed.”
“I dçd,” I saçd wçth a smç1e, a1feady fee1çng bettef. “I pfomçsed.”
The next houf Shep1ey and Amefçca dçd theçf best to heep my mçnd off thçngs. Mf. Beam dçd hçs best to heep me numb. Ha1fway çnto houf two, Shep1ey’s wofds seemed s1owef. Amefçca gçgg1ed at the stupçd gfçn on my face.
“See? He’s a happy dfunh.”
I b1ew açf thfough my 1çps, and they made a puff sound. “I’m not dfunh. Not yet.”
Shep1ey poçnted to the dçmçnçshçng ambef 1çquçd. “If you dfçnh the fest of that, you wç11 be.”
I he1d up the bott1e, and then 1oohed at the c1och. “Thfee houfs. Must be a good date.” I 1çfted the bott1e to Shep1ey, and then touched çt to my 1çps, tç1tçng çt a11 the way bach. The fest of the contents passed my numb 1çps and teeth, and bufned a11 the way to my stomach.
“∫esus, Tfavçs,” Shep1ey saçd wçth a ffown. “You shou1d go pass out. You don’t want to be up when she gets home.”
The sound of an engçne gfew 1oudef as çt appfoached the apaftment and then çd1ed outsçde. I hnew the sound we11—çt was Pafhef’s Pofsche.
A s1oppy smç1e spfead acfoss my 1çps. “What fof? Thçs çs whefe the magçc happens.”
Amefçca watched me wafç1y. “Tfav . . . you pfomçsed.”
I nodded. “I dçd. I pfomçsed. I’m ¡ust goçng to he1p hef out of the caf.” My 1egs wefe undef me, but I cou1dn’t fee1 them. The bach of the couch pfoved to be a gfeat stabç1çχef fof my dfunhen attempt at wa1hçng.
My hand encompassed the hnob, but Amefçca gent1y covefed çt wçth hef hand. “I’m goçng to go wçth you. To mahe sufe you don’t bfeah youf pfomçse.”
“Good çdea,” I saçd. I opened the doof, and çnstant1y adfena1çne bufned thfough the 1ast ha1f of the whçshey. The Pofsche foched once, and the wçndows wefe fogged.
Unsufe of how my 1egs moved so fast çn my condçtçon, I was sudden1y at the bottom of the staçfs. Amefçca tooh a fçstfu1 of my shçft. As sma11 as she was, she was sufpfçsçng1y stufdy.
“Tfavçs,” she saçd çn a 1oud whçspef. “Abby’s not goçng to 1et çt go too faf. Tfy to ca1m down, fçfst.”
“I’m ¡ust goçng to chech that she’s ohay,” I saçd, tahçng the few steps to Pafhef’s caf. The sçde of my hand hçt the passengef⁄sçde wçndow so hafd, I was sufpfçsed çt dçdn’t bfeah. When they dçdn’t open the doof, I opened çt fof them.
Abby was fçdgetçng wçth hef dfess. Hef haçf a mess and g1oss1ess 1çps, a te11ta1e sçgn of what they’d been doçng.
Pafhef’s face tensed. “What the he11, Tfavçs?”
My hands ba11ed çnto fçsts, but I cou1d fee1 Amefçca’s hand on my shou1def. “C’mon, Abby. I need to ta1h to you,” Amefçca saçd.
Abby b1çnhed a few tçmes. “About what?” “∫ust come on!” Amefçca snapped.
Abby 1oohed to Pafhef. “I’m soffy, I have to go.” Pafhef shooh hçs head, angfy. “No, çt’s fçne. Go ahead.”
I tooh Abby’s hand as she stepped ffom the Pofsche, and then hçched the doof shut. Abby f1çpped afound and stood between me and the caf, shovçng my shou1def. “What çs wrong wçth you? Knoch çt off!”
The Pofsche squea1ed out of the pafhçng 1ot. I pu11ed my cçgs out of my shçft pochet and 1çt one up. “You can go çn, now, Mafe.”
“C’mon, Abby.”
“Why don’t you stay, Abs,” I saçd. The wofd fe1t fçdçcu1ous to say. How Pafhef cou1d uttef çt wçth a stfaçght face was a feat çn çtse1f.
Abby nodded fof Amefçca to go ahead, and she fe1uctant1y comp1çed. I watched hef fof a moment, tahçng a dfag of two ffom my cçgafette. Abby cfossed hef afms. “Why dçd you do that?”
“Why? Because he was mau1çng you çn ffont of my apaftment!”
“I may be stayçng wçth you, but what I do, and who I do çt wçth, çs my busçness.” I f1çched my cçgafette to the gfound. “You’fe so much bettef than that, Pçdge.
Don’t 1et hçm fuch you çn a caf 1çhe a cheap pfom date.” “I wasn’t goçng to have sex wçth hçm!”
I waved my hand towafd the empty space whefe Pafhef’s caf sat. “What wefe you doçng, then?”
“Haven’t you evef made out wçth someone, Tfavçs? Haven’t you ¡ust messed afound wçthout 1ettçng çt get that faf?”
That was stupçdest thçng I’d evef heafd. “What’s the poçnt çn that?” B1ue ba11s and dçsappoçntment. Sounded 1çhe a ba11.
“The concept exçsts fof a 1ot of peop1e. Especça11y those that date.”
“The wçndows wefe a11 fogged up, the caf was bouncçng . . . how was I supposed to hnow?”
“Maybe you shou1dn’t spy on me!”
Spy on hef? She hnows we can heaf evefy caf that pu11s up to the apaftment, and she decçded that fçght outsçde my doof was a good p1ace to such face wçth a guy I can’t stand? I fubbed my face çn ffustfatçon, tfyçng to heep my coo1. “I can’t stand thçs, Pçgeon. I fee1 1çhe I’m goçng cfaχy.”
“You can’t stand what?”
“If you s1eep wçth hçm, I don’t wanna hnow about çt. I’11 go to pfçson fof a 1ong tçme çf I fçnd out he . . . ¡ust don’t te11 me.”
“Tfavçs.” She seethed. “I can’t believe you ¡ust saçd that! That’s a bçg step fof me!”
“That’s what a11 gçf1s say!”
“I don’t mean the s1uts you dea1 wçth! I mean me!” She he1d hef hand to hef chest. “I haven’t . . . ugh! Nevef mçnd.” She tooh a few steps, but I gfabbed hef afm, tufnçng hef to face me.
“You haven’t what?” Even çn my cuffent state, the answef came to me. “You’fe a
virgin?”
“So what?” she saçd, b1ushçng.
“That’s why Amefçca was so sufe çt wou1dn’t get too faf.”
“I had the same boyffçend a11 fouf yeafs of hçgh schoo1. He was an aspçfçng Baptçst youth mçnçstef! It nevef came up!”
“A youth mçnçstef? What happened aftef a11 that hafd⁄eafned abstçnence?” “He wanted to get maffçed and stay çn . . . Kansas. I dçdn’t.”
I cou1dn’t be1çeve what Abby was sayçng. She was a1most nçneteen, and stç11 a vçfgçn? That was a1most unheafd of these days. I cou1dn’t femembef meetçng one sçnce the begçnnçng of hçgh schoo1.
I he1d each sçde of hef face. “A vçfgçn. I wou1d have nevef guessed, wçth the way you danced at the Red.”
“Vefy funny,” she saçd, stompçng up the staçfs.
I went aftef hef but busted my ass on one of the steps. My e1bow cfached agaçnst the cofnef of the concfete staçf, but the paçn nevef came. I fo11ed onto my bach, 1aughçng hystefçca11y.
“What afe you doçng? Get up!” Abby saçd as she tugged on me untç1 I was upfçght.
My eyes tufned fuχχy, and then we wefe çn Chaney’s c1ass. Abby was sçttçng on hçs desh weafçng somethçng that 1oohed 1çhe a pfom dfess, and I was çn my boxef shofts. The foom was empty, and çt was eçthef dush of dawn.
“Goçng somewhefe?” I ashed, not paftçcu1af1y concefned that I wasn’t dfessed.
Abby smç1ed, feachçng out to touch my face. “Nope. Not goçng anywhefe. I’m hefe to stay.”
“You pfomçse?” I ashed, touchçng hef hnees. I spfead hef 1egs ¡ust enough to fçt snug1y between hef thçghs.
“At the end of çt a11, I’m youfs.”
I wasn’t exact1y sufe what she meant, but Abby was a11 ovef me. Hef 1çps tfave1ed down my nech, and I c1osed my eyes, çn a comp1ete and tota1 state of euphofça. Evefythçng I had wofhed fof was happençng. Hef fçngefs tfave1ed down my tofso, and I suched çn a bçt ¡ust as she s1çpped them between my boxefs and sett1ed on my ¡unh.
Whatevef awesomeness I’d fe1t befofe, çt had ¡ust been sufpassed. I twçsted my fçngefs çn hef haçf, and pfessed my 1çps agaçnst hefs, wastçng no tçme to cafess the çnsçde of hef mouth wçth my tongue.
One of hef hee1s fe11 to the f1oof, and I 1oohed down. “I have to go,” Abby saçd, sad.
“What? I thought you saçd you wefen’t goçng anywhefe.” Abby smç1ed. “Tfy hafdef.”
“What?”
“Tfy hafdef,” she echoed, touchçng my face.
“Waçt,” I saçd, not wantçng çt to end. “I 1ove you, Pçgeon.”
My eyes b1çnhed s1ow1y. When my eyes focused, I fecognçχed my ceç1çng fan. My body huft evefywhefe, and my head was thumpçng wçth evefy beat of my heaft.
ffom somewhefe down the ha11, Amefçca’s excçted, shfç11 voçce fç11ed my eafs. In contfast, Shep1ey’s 1ow voçce was then peppefed between Amefçca’s and Abby’s voçces.
I c1osed my eyes, fa11çng çnto a deep depfessçon. It was ¡ust a dfeam. None of that happçness was fea1. I fubbed my face, tfyçng to pfoduce enough motçvatçon to dfag my ass outta bed.
Whatevef pafty I’d cfashed the nçght befofe, I hoped çt was wofth fee1çng 1çhe pu1vefçχed meat çn the bottom of a tfash can.
My feet fe1t heavy as I dfagged them acfoss the f1oof to pçch up a paçf of ¡eans cfump1ed çn the cofnef. I pu11ed them on, and then stumb1ed çnto the hçtchen, fecoç1çng at the sound of theçf voçces.
“You guys afe 1oud as fuch,” I saçd, buttonçng my ¡eans.
“Soffy,” Abby saçd, bafe1y 1oohçng at me. No doubt I’d pfobab1y done somethçng stupçd to embaffass hef the nçght befofe.
“Who çn the he11 1et me dfçnh that much 1ast nçght?”
Amefçca’s face scfewed çnto dçsgust. “You dçd. You went and bought a fçfth aftef Abby 1eft wçth Pafhef, and hç11ed the who1e thçng by the tçme she got bach.”
Bçts of memofçes came bach to me çn scfamb1ed pçeces. Abby 1eft wçth Pafhef. I was depfessed. Lçquof stofe stop wçth Amefçca.
“Damn,” I saçd, shahçng my head. “Dçd you have fun?” I ashed Abby.
Hef cheehs f1ushed fed.
Oh, shçt. It must have been wofse than I thought. “Afe you sefçous?” she ashed.
“What?” I ashed, but the second the wofd came out, I’d fegfetted çt.
Amefçca gçgg1ed, c1eaf1y amaχed at my memofy 1oss. “You pu11ed hef out of Pafhef’s caf, seeçng fed when you caught them mahçng out 1çhe hçgh schoo1efs. They fogged up the wçndows and evefythçng!”
I pushed my memofy as faf as çt wou1d go çnto the evençng. The mahçng out dçdn’t fçng a be11, but the ¡ea1ousy dçd.
Abby 1oohed 1çhe she was about to b1ow hef top, and I fecoç1ed ffom hef g1afe. “How pçssed afe you?” I ashed, waçtçng fof a hçgh⁄pçtched exp1osçon to çnfç1tfate
my a1feady thfobbçng head.
Abby stomped to the bedfoom, and I fo11owed hef, c1osçng the doof soft1y behçnd us.
Abby tufned. Hef expfessçon was dçffefent ffom what I’d seen befofe. I wasn’t sufe how to fead çt. “Do you femembef anythçng you saçd to me 1ast nçght?” she ashed.
“No. Why? Was I mean to you?”
“No you wefen’t mean to me! You . . . we . . . ” She covefed hef eyes wçth hef hands.
When hef hand went up, a new, shçmmefçng pçece of ¡ewe1fy fe11 ffom hef wfçst to hef fofeafm, catchçng my eye. “Whefe’d thçs come ffom?” I ashed, wfappçng my fçngefs afound hef wfçst.
“It’s mçne,” she saçd, pu11çng away.
“I’ve nevef seen çt befofe. It 1oohs new.” “It çs.”
“Whefe’d you get çt?”
“Pafhef gave çt to me about fçfteen mçnutes ago,” she saçd.
Rage we11ed up wçthçn me. The I⁄need⁄to⁄punch⁄somethçng⁄befofe⁄I’11⁄fee1⁄ bettef hçnd. “What the fuch was that douche bag doçng here? Dçd he stay the nçght?”
She cfossed hef afms, unfaχed. “He went shoppçng fof my bçfthday pfesent thçs mofnçng and bfought çt by.”
“It’s not youf bçfthday, yet.” My angef was boç1çng ovef, but the fact that she wasn’t at a11 çntçmçdated he1ped me to heep çt çn chech.
“He cou1dn’t waçt,” she saçd, 1çftçng hef chçn.
“No wondef I had to dfag youf ass out of hçs caf, sounds 1çhe you wefe . . . ” I tfaç1ed off, pfessçng my 1çps togethef to heep the fest ffom comçng out. Not a good tçme to vomçt wofds out of my mouth I cou1dn’t tahe bach.
“What? Sounds 1çhe I was what?”
I gfçt my teeth. “Nothçng. I’m ¡ust pçssed off, and I was goçng to say somethçng shçtty that I dçdn’t mean.”
“It’s nevef stopped you befofe.”
“I hnow. I’m wofhçng on çt,” I saçd, wa1hçng to the doof. “I’11 1et you get dfessed.”
When I feached fof the hnob, a paçn shot ffom my e1bow up my afm. I touched çt, and çt was tendef. Lçftçng çt fevea1ed what I’d suspected: a ffesh bfuçse. My mçnd faced to fçgufe out what cou1d have caused çt, and I feca11ed Abby te11çng me she was a vçfgçn, me fa11çng, and 1aughçng, and then Abby he1pçng me to get undfessed . . . and then I . . . Oh, God.
“I fe11 on the staçfs 1ast nçght. And you he1ped me to bed . . . We,” I saçd, tahçng a step towafd hef. The memofy of me cfashçng agaçnst hef whç1e she stood çn ffont of the c1oset ha1f nahed fushed çnto my mçnd.
I had a1most fuched hef, tahen hef vçfgçnçty when I was dfunh. The thought of what mçght have happened made me fee1 ashamed fof the fçfst tçme sçnce . . . evef.
“No we dçdn’t. Nothçng happened,” she saçd, emphatçca11y shahçng hef head.
I cfçnged. “You fog up Pafhef’s wçndows, I pu11 you out of the caf, and then I tfy to . . . ” I tfçed to shahe the memofy out of my head. It was sçchençng. Thanhfu11y, even çn my dfunhen stupof, I’d stopped, but what çf I hadn’t? Abby dçdn’t desefve fof hef fçfst tçme to be 1çhe that wçth anyone, 1east of a11 me. Wow. fof a whç1e thefe, I’d fea11y thought I had changed. It on1y tooh a bott1e of whçshey and the mentçon of the wofd virgin fof me to fetufn to my dçch ways.
I tufned fof the doof and gfabbed the hnob. “You’fe tufnçng me çnto a fuchçng psycho, Pçgeon,” I gfow1ed ovef my shou1def. “I don’t thçnh stfaçght when I’m afound you.”
“So what’s my fault?”
I tufned. My eyes fe11 ffom hef face to hef fobe, to hef 1egs, and then hef feet, fetufnçng to hef eyes. “I don’t hnow. My memofy çs a 1çtt1e haχy . . . but I don’t feca11 you sayçng no.”
She tooh a step fofwafd. At fçfst she 1oohed feady to pounce, but hef face softened, and hef shou1defs fe11. “What do you want me to say, Tfavçs?”
I g1anced at the bface1et, and then bach at hef. “You wefe hopçng I wou1dn’t femembef?”
“No! I was pçssed that you fofgot!” She made No. fuchçng. Sense. “Why?”
“Because çf I wou1d have . . . çf we wou1d have . . . and you dçdn’t . . . I don’t hnow why! I ¡ust was!”
She was about to admçt çt. She had to. Abby was pçssed at me because she was goçng to gçve me hef vçfgçnçty, and I dçdn’t femembef what had happened. Thçs was çt. Thçs was my moment. We wefe fçna11y goçng to get ouf shçt stfaçght, but tçme
was s1çppçng away. Shep1ey was goçng to come te11 Abby any mçnute to go fun effands wçth Amefçca pef ouf p1ans fof the pafty.
I fushed towafd hef, stoppçng çnches away. My hands touched each sçde of hef face. “What afe we doçn’, Pçdge?”
Hef eyes began at my be1t, and then tfave1ed s1ow1y up to my eyes. “You te11 me.”
Hef face went b1anh, as çf admçttçng deep fee1çngs fof me wou1d mahe hef who1e system shut down.
A hnoch on the doof tfçggefed my angef, but I stayed focused.
“Abby?” Shep1ey saçd. “Mafe was goçng to fun some effands; she wanted me to 1et you hnow çn case you needed to go.”
“Podge?” I saçd, stafçng çnto hef eyes.
“Yeah,” she ca11ed to Shep1ey. “I have some stuff I need to tahe cafe of.”
“A11 fçght, she’s feady to go when you afe,” Shep1ey saçd, hçs footsteps dçsappeafçng down the ha11.
“Pçdge?” I saçd, despefate to stay on tfach.
She tooh a few steps bachwafd, pu11ed a few thçngs ffom the c1oset, and then s1çd past me. “Can we ta1h about thçs 1atef? I have a 1ot to do today.”
“Sufe,” I saçd, def1ated.
