Breakfast is an ordeal.
Warner has disappeared and heโs left a trail of chaos in his wake.
No one knows how he escaped, how he managed to get out of his room and find his way out of here and everyone is blaming Castle. Everyone is saying he was stupid to trust Warner, to give him a chance, to believe he might have changed.
Angryย is an insult to the level of aggression in here right now.
But Iโm not going to be the one to tell everyone that Warner was already out of his room last night. Iโm not going to be the one to tell them that he probably didnโt have to do much to find the exit. I wonโt explain to them that heโs not an idiot.
Iโm sure he figured it out easily enough. Iโm sure he found a way to get past the guards.
Now everyone is ready to fight, but for all the wrong reasons. They want to murder Warner: first for all heโs done; second for betraying their trust. More frightening still, everyone is worried that heโll give away all of our most sensitive information. I have no idea what Warner managed to discover about this place before he left, but nothing that happens now can possibly be good.
No one has even touched their breakfasts.
Weโre all dressed, armed, ready to face what could be an almost instant death, and Iโm feeling little more than entirely numb. I didnโt sleep at all last night, my heart and mind plagued and conflicted and I canโt feel my limbs, I canโt taste the food Iโm not eating and I canโt see straight, I canโt focus on the things Iโm supposed to be hearing. All I can think about are all the casualtiesย and Warnerโs lips on my neck, his hands on my body, the pain and passion inย his eyes and the many possible ways I could die today. I can only think aboutย Warner touching me, kissing me, torturing me with his heart andย Adam sitting beside me, not knowing what Iโve done.
It probably wonโt even matter after today.
Maybe Iโll be killed and maybe all the agony of these past 17 years will have been for naught. Maybe Iโll just fall right off the face of the Earth, gone forever, and all of my adolescent angst will have been a ridiculous afterthought, a laughable memory.
But maybe Iโll survive.
Maybe Iโll survive and Iโll have to face the consequences of my actions. Iโll have to stop lying to myself; Iโll have to actually make a decision.
I have to face the fact that Iโm battling feelings for someone who has no qualms about putting a bullet in another manโs head. I have to consider the possibility that I might really be turning into a monster. A horrible, selfish creature who cares only about herself.
Maybe Warner was right all along.
Maybe he and I really are perfect for each other.
Just about everyone has filed out of the dining hall. People are saying last- minute good-byes to the old and the young ones theyโre leaving behind.
James and Adam had a lengthy good-bye just this morning. Adam and I have to head out in about 10 minutes.
โWell damn. Who died?โ
I spin around at the sound of his voice. Kenji is up. Heโs in this room. Heโs standing next to our table and he looks like heโs about to fall right over but heโsย awake. Heโs alive.
Heโs breathing.
โHoly crap.โ Adam is gaping. โHolyย shit.โ
โGood to see you too, Kent.โ Kenji grins a crooked grin. He nods at me. โYou ready to kick some ass today?โ
I tackle him.
โWHOAโheyโthank you, yeahโthatโsโuhโโ He clears his throat.
Tries to shift away from me and I flinch, pull back. Iโm covered everywhere except for my face; Iโm wearing my gloves and my reinforced knuckles, and my suit is zipped up to my neck. Kenji never usually shies away from me.
โHey, uh, maybe you should hold off on touching me for a little while, yeah?โ Kenji tries to smile, tries to make it sound like heโs joking, but I feel the weight of his words, the tension and the sliver of fear heโs trying so hard to hide. โIโm not too steady on my feet just yet.โ
I feel the blood rush out of me, leaving me weak in the knees and needing to sit down.
โIt wasnโt her,โ Adam says. โYou know she didnโt even touch you.โ
โIย donโtย know that, actually,โ Kenji says. โAnd itโs not like Iโm blaming her
โIโm just saying maybe sheโs projecting and doesnโt know it, okay? Because last I checked, I donโt think we have any other explanations for what happened last night. It sure as hell wasnโt you,โ he says to Adam, โand shit, for all we know, Warner being able to touch Juliette could just be a fluke. We donโt know anything about him yet.โ A pause. He looks around. โRight?
Unless Warner pulled some kind of magical rabbit out of his ass while I was busy being dead last night?โ
Adam scowls. I donโt say a word.
โRight,โ Kenji says. โThatโs what I thought. So. I think itโs best if, unless absolutely necessary, I stay away.โ He turns to me. โRight? No offense, right? I mean, I did nearly just die. I think you could cut me some slack.โ
I can hardly hear my own voice when I say, โYeah, of course.โ I try to laugh. I try to figure out why Iโm not telling them about Warner. Why Iโm still protecting him.ย Probably because Iโm just as guilty as he is.
โSoย anyway,โ Kenji says. โWhen are we leaving?โ
โYouโre insane,โ Adam tells him. โYouโre not going anywhere.โ โBullshit Iโm not.โ
โYou can barely stand up on your own!โ Adam says.
And heโs right. Kenji is clearly leaning on the table for support. โIโd rather die out there than sit in here like some kind of idiot.โ โKenjiโโ
โHey,โ Kenji says, cutting me off. โSo I heard through the very loud grapevine that Warner got his ass the hell out of here last night. Whatโs that about?โ
Adam makes a strange sound. Itโs not quite a laugh. โYeah,โ he says. โWho even knows. I never thought it was a good idea to keep him hostage here. It was an even stupider idea to trust him.โ
โSo first you insult my idea, and then you insult Castleโs, huh?โ Kenjiโs eyebrow is cocked.
โThey were bad calls,โ Adam says. โBad ideas. Now we have to pay for it.โ โWell how was I supposed to know Anderson would be so willing to let his
own son rot in hell?โ
Adam flinches and Kenji backpedals.
โOh, heyโIโm sorry, manโI didnโt mean to say it like thatโโ
โForget it.โ Adam cuts him off. His face is suddenly hard, suddenly cold, closed off. โMaybe you should get back to the medical wing. Weโre leaving soon.โ
โIโm not going anywhere butย out of here.โ โKenji, pleaseโโ
โNope.โ
โYouโre being unreasonable. This isnโt a joke,โ I tell him. โPeople are going to die today.โ
But he laughs at me. Looks at me like Iโve said something obliquely entertaining. โIโm sorry, are you trying to teachย meย about the realities of war?โ He shakes his head. โAre you forgetting that I was a soldier in Warnerโs army? Do you have any idea how much crazy shit weโve seen?โ He gestures between himself and Adam. โI know exactly what to expect today. Warner wasย insane.ย If Anderson is even twice as bad as his son, then we are diving right into a bloodbath. I canโt leave you guys hanging like that.โ
But Iโm caught on one sentence. One word. I just want to ask. โWas he really that bad . . . ?โ
โWho?โ Kenji is staring at me. โWarner. Was he really that ruthless?โ
Kenji laughs out loud. Laughs louder. Doubles over. Heโs practically wheezing when he says, โRuthless? Juliette, the guy is sick. Heโs an animal. I donโt think he even knows what it means to be human. If thereโs a hell out there, Iโm guessing it was designed especially for him.โ
Itโs so hard to pull this sword out of my stomach. A rush of footsteps.
I turn around.
Everyone is supposed to exit the tunnels in a single-file line in an attempt to maintain order as we leave this underground world. Kenji and Adam and I are the only fighters who havenโt joined the group yet.
We all get to our feet.
โHeyโso, does Castle know what youโre doing?โ Adam is looking at Kenji. โI donโt think heโd be okay with you going out there today.โ
โCastle wants me to be happy,โ Kenji says matter-of-factly. โAnd I wonโt be happy if I stay here. Iโve got work to do. People to save. Ladies to impress. Heโd respect that.โ
โWhat about everyone else?โ I ask him. โEveryone was so worried about youโhave you even seen them yet? To at least tell them youโre okay?โ
โNah,โ Kenji says. โTheyโd probably shit a brick if they knew I was going up. I thought itโd be safer to keep it quiet. I donโt want to freak anyone out.
And Sonya and Saraโpoor kidsโtheyโre passed the hell out. Itโs my fault theyโre so exhausted, and theyโre still talking about heading out today. They want to fight even though theyโre going to have a lot of work to do once weโre done with Andersonโs army. Iโve been trying to convince them to stay here but they can be so damn stubborn. They need to save their strength,โ he says, โand theyโve already wasted too much of it on me.โ
โItโs not aย wasteโ,โ I try to tell him.
โAnywayyy,โ Kenji says. โCan we please get going? I know youโre all about hunting down Anderson,โ he says to Adam, โbut personally? I would love to catch Warner. Put a bullet through that worthless piece of crap and be done with it.โ
Something punches me in the gut so hard Iโm afraid Iโm actually going to be sick. Iโm seeing spots, struggling to keep myself standing, fighting to ignore the image of Warner dead, his body crumpled in red.
โHeyโyou okay?โ Adam pulls me to the side. Takes a good look at my face.
โIโm okay,โ I lie to him. Nod too many times. Shake my head once or twice. โI just didnโt get enough sleep last night, but Iโll be fine.โ
He hesitates. โAre you sure?โ
โIโm positive,โ I lie again. I pause. Grab his shirt. โHeyโ just be careful out there, okay?โ
He exhales a heavy breath. Nods once. โYeah. You too.โ
โLetโs go letโs go letโs go!โ Kenji interrupts us. โToday is our day to die, ladies.โ
Adam shoves him. A little.
โOh, so now youโre abusing the crippled kid, huh?โ Kenji takes a moment to steady himself before punching Adam in the arm. โSave your angst for the battlefield, bro. Youโre going to need it.โ
A shrill whistle sounds in the distance. Itโs time to go.