I waited until the door shut behind him before I collapsed.
Sobs wracked my body as I sank onto the floor and finally let the full flood of my tears flow.
I love you. So fucking much.
The words echoed in my head like a taunt, as did the image of Christianโs face before he left.
The agony in his eyes. The torment in his voice. The brokenness that I felt as surely as if it were my own because itย was.
My heart had splintered into a thousand jagged pieces, and they cut and cut until I couldnโt stop bleeding.
It was very possible I might die right there, with my knees drawn to my chest and my trust in shambles.
I believed he was sorry, and I believed he loved me in whatever way he knew how.
But they didnโt change the fact that our relationship had been built on a lie. Heย knewย how much the stalker had traumatized me. How much I hated the invasion of privacy and loss of control over my own life.
Christian did what he did before the stalker showed up, but heโd sat on those files for years and never told me.
Heโd held all the cards while I held only the scraps he gave me.
Our power imbalance wasnโt about money or security; it was about trust. Iโd always given more than I received from him.
The thought of him sitting at his desk and poking through the most intimate parts of my life with a mere press of a button sent another shiver down my spine.
I pulled my legs tighter to my chest and buried my face in my knees.
Iโm so, so stupid.
Iโd seen all the warning signs and ignored them because Iโd been too caught up in the excitement of falling in love for the first time.
I will always be here if you need me.
I shouldโve been happy Christian was gone. Instead, my heart hollowed in my chest while a barrage of memories played in my head.
Get in the car, Stella.
Iโve never wanted anyone more, and Iโve never hated myself more for it.
Because love is ordinary. Mundane. And you, Stellaโฆ youโre extraordinary.
I believe in everything when it comes to you.
One week ago, weโd been in Italy, and weโd been happy.
Part of me wished Iโd never stumbled across that secret compartment or looked through those files. Then weโd still be happy, and I wouldnโt be sitting in the ruins of what we used to be.
Christian was the only safe space I had, and now he was gone.
My gasping sobs filled the cocoon of my arms and legs. Iโd been crying so hard and for so long that my ribs hurt and I couldnโt draw enough oxygen into my lungs.
I couldnโt breathe. I couldnโtโI neededโฆ โStella?โ
I heard Avaโs voice followed by a knock, but the sounds were muted, like they were traveling to me underwater.
I was drowning in grief, and I didnโt know how to pull myself out.
โItโs okay.โ Avaโs voice was closer. She mustโve entered when I didnโt answer. โOh, sweetie, itโll be all right. I promise.โ
She wrapped her arms around me and rubbed soothing circles on my back while I leaned my head against her chest and cried until I ran out of tears.
Part of me had anticipated this crash from the beginning. My relationship with Christian had been too perfect, and nothing that good could last forever.
What I hadnโt anticipated was how much the crash would break me.
But the most terrifying part wasnโt my broken heart. It was the possibility that I might never be able to glue the pieces back together again.