I CAN TELL BY THE SET of his shoulders that he’s angry. “Bash?” I say softly. Guilt and shame wash over me. They’re always there, lapping at my feet, trying to slow me down, but now they’re a rising tide threatening to drown me. “Wha—what do you . . .”
“Prince. Finnian. I know you’ve been spending time with him.” His voice is raw—as if he’s been screaming.
I wrap my arms around myself. “I . . .” Do I try to deny it, or would that make it worse? “Does it matter? He’s a friend.”
Sebastian’s eyes are red, his jaw set. How long has he been waiting in here in my empty bedroom, knowing the truth about where I was? “Are you in love with him?”
“What?” I gasp. “Why would you even ask me that?” But maybe the question hits too close to home because it makes me want to run away. From Sebastian. From those sea-green eyes that seem to see too much. From my own confused feelings. I love Sebastian. I might not ever be able to marry him, but I do love him. It kills me to think that he feels like he has to stand before me and ask me if I’m in love with another male. It kills me because even if I don’t love Finn, I do feel something. I feel more than I
should.
“He is my enemy, Abriella.”
“Well, you’re not his, so maybe you should rethink that,” I snap. Part of me knows that now isn’t the time for this, but I don’t want the secrets
anymore. I don’t want to feel like I’m betraying one prince for the other when they are both good males who want what’s best for their people.
“Is that what he’s been telling you? Is that how he convinced you to trust him? By pretending that we’re friends?”
“I didn’t say you were friends. I’m not that naïve. But he’s not the monster Mordeus is, and if you want what’s best for your people, you
should do everything you can to put Finn on the Throne of Shadows where he belongs.”
He flinches. Flinches.
“Sebastian.” He doesn’t look at me, and I move slowly as I cross the room to him. When I put my hand on his arm, he closes his eyes—relishing my touch or enduring it? I can’t tell. “Look at me. Please.”
“I can’t.” His jaw hardens. “You’ve been spending your time with my enemy while living under my roof and making me believe . . .” He shakes his head and keeps his gaze averted when he asks, “Are you even
considering my proposal, or are you just pretending to so you can feed him information to bring down my court?”
“No.” I shake my head. I may be awful, I may be guilty of deceiving Sebastian and betraying him, but I would never try to help Finn destroy the Seelie Court. “I wouldn’t. But that’s not what Finn wants.” My voice
shakes.
“Then what are you doing with him?”
He’s so wrecked, and it breaks my heart. You don’t know the worst of my betrayals, Sebastian. I don’t deserve you.
Because of my agreement with Mordeus, I can never tell Sebastian the full truth of what I’m doing with Finn—the how and the why of his help. Even if I could, I don’t know if I would. Sometimes I believe Sebastian would do anything to help me get Jas to safety, but other times . . . Nights
like Litha, when I saw him throw Jalek around in that cell, I realize there’s still so much I don’t know about this world and the role Sebastian plays here. There’s so much I still don’t understand about the dynamics between the courts and within them.
Sebastian spins to me, and anger and desperation flash in equal measure in those beautiful eyes. “Answer me.”
“He’s training me,” I blurt. “He’s helping me learn to use the powers that manifested when I came to Faerie.”
“Powers.” Some of the anguish leaves his face. “Tell me what you mean.”
I lick my lips, eager to explain in a way that will allow him to forgive me for spending my time with his enemy. “You know I’ve always been good in the dark, but when I came here, I could suddenly become the darkness and the shadows. I could disappear into them.”
He searches my face, his expression unreadable. “Do you know where these powers came from?”
I shake my head. “No. They’re just there, though I’m not very good at wielding them. Finn offered to help.”
“In exchange for what?”
I close my eyes. I can’t answer that question without forfeiting my bargain. “I don’t know,” I whisper, and as the lie slips past my lips, I realize there is no lie I won’t tell, no object I won’t steal to save my sister.
“Why didn’t you ask me?”
Because I didn’t want you knowing about my powers. I didn’t want you
knowing that I have abilities that let me sneak around your palace, that let me steal and spy and free prisoners. I bow my head. “I’m sorry.”
He strokes my cheek and nudges my chin up until I’m looking at him
again. “I am mad with jealousy. I’ve been losing my mind here thinking he might be stealing your heart. I tried to tell myself that all I really care about is the security of my kingdom, when in truth”—he bends over and touches his forehead to mine—“in truth, I’ve put you before my kingdom for a long time now.” He traces the line of my jaw with the rough pad of his thumb,
and I lean into that touch—the warmth and comfort of it. “Can I truly trust you, Abriella?”
If he could, he wouldn’t be asking again. But nothing’s changed. I need Sebastian’s trust. I need him to take me to the summer palace, and I need him to continue allowing me to stay here so I can retrieve the third artifact. “Of course.”
“Really?” He sighs heavily. “Maybe you don’t understand what it’s like between Finn and me, what it’s like between our families, the centuries of animosity. I’ve been protecting you all this time, and meanwhile, you’ve been spending your time with him. I can’t pretend this isn’t a betrayal.”
“Bash, you can trust me. How can I prove that?” How can I make you believe this awful lie?
“You—we could—” Swallowing, he seems to consider his words, but then he shakes his head. “I won’t rush you into anything you’re not ready for.”
I slide both hands behind his neck and lift onto my toes to press my lips to his. If I ever questioned what I feel for Sebastian, this kiss is the answer. A simple brush of his lips and I want to wrap myself around him.
But again, Sebastian is the one who pulls away. His eyes are hazy with desire, but he takes a deep breath, steeling himself, then steps back.
I grab his hand. “Where are you going?”
His lips quirk into a crooked smile. “If I stay here, I’m going to kiss you again.”
I step closer. “That sounds nice.”
His eyes darken. “Don’t play games with me, Brie. I can’t handle it.”
I take another step and press my palm to his chest. “I’m not playing games.” And maybe at any other moment that would be a lie, but in this one, right now, it’s true. All I want is his kiss, his touch, his affection. I
want to soak in as much of him as I can before he learns the truth about me and pushes me away.
Slowly, he lowers his mouth to mine. “My heart is in your hands, Abriella,” he says, a breath before our lips meet.
I don’t know if it’s his words or the gentle way he parts my lips with his, but I let everything else go in that moment. My mind goes fuzzy and my body comes alive. Sebastian’s hands stroke down my arms and back up, and every pass of his callused fingers sends an electric pulse through me. It
would be so nice to hand everything over to him. He’s doing everything in his power to get Jas back, to protect me. I don’t want to deceive him
anymore or sneak around. I don’t want to carry this weight alone.
Soon. It’s a promise I’m making to myself. One I’m secretly, silently making to Sebastian. As soon as my bargain with Mordeus is complete and my sister is safe, I won’t keep any more secrets. I’ll find a way to be worthy of this love he offers me. If he’ll have me.
I plunge my fingers into his hair, and the leather tie that binds it comes loose. I stroke my tongue against his, and he groans into my mouth—the vibration of the sound sending lightning flicks of pleasure down my spine. The kiss goes rough, deeper, and claiming.
He kisses his way down my neck, kisses the swell of my breasts, dips his tongue beneath the fabric of my dress. My skin burns with the need for more, the need for him.
He backs me up until the back of my thighs hit the side of the bed. I lower down onto it, my hands at his hips guiding him to follow.
“I can’t think straight when it comes to you, Brie,” he says, his breath hot against my neck. “I have duties to my family and to my people, but one taste of you and I want to forget everything.”
I hold his face between both hands and guide him to look at me. His eyes are dark and foggy with pleasure, his lips parted as he searches my face.
“Then let’s forget. Just for these moments. Let’s pretend nothing else exists.”
His nostrils flare, and he lowers his mouth and sucks my bottom lip between his teeth. Groaning, he grabs the hem of my skirt, and I lift my hips to help him drag it up until it’s bunched around my waist. He settles between my legs and I can feel how much he wants me. I lose myself in the sweet weight of his body on mine, in the aching pleasure of his hand on my hip, his thumb brushing maddeningly over my skin.
He dips his head to suck at my breasts right through the fabric. I cry out and arch into him. My hands are everywhere—on his shoulders, then
against his powerful chest and down his sides, then to his belt. I can’t feel enough of him at once.
He draws back and meets my eyes again. “Tell me you’ll be mine,” he murmurs. “Tell me you’ll stay here with me.”
“I’m here with you now.” Sadness muddles with passion, and my words crack as I offer the only promise I can. “I’m yours tonight.”
He tears himself away, and suddenly he’s off me and sitting on the side of the bed, breathing hard, head hanging. “I’m sorry.”
I prop myself up on my elbows. “Why? What’s wrong?”
He swallows hard and stands. “That was too fast. We’re moving too fast.”
Are we? It didn’t feel too fast. In fact, it felt right. Easy. And I know if he hadn’t stopped, I would have let him keep going as long as he wanted.
Would that be so bad?
I push off the bed and straighten my dress before standing in front of him. “Hey.” I press a hand to his cheek, and he turns his head to press a kiss to my palm. “I didn’t mind. Come back to bed.”
He looks into my eyes for so long I’m sure he can see all my secrets. All my betrayals. “I want more than your kisses, Brie.”
I bite back a smile. “I’m positive if you climb back into that bed with me, I will offer you much, much more than my kisses.”
His nostrils flare, and his eyes go dark. “Gods above and below, you tempt me, woman.”
I sigh. “Not enough, if you’re going to walk out of here.”
He looks to the door, then back to me. “I don’t want to go, but I have a meeting.” I try not to let the disappointment show on my face, but it must because he says, “I’m sorry I’m always so busy. I’ll make it up to you.” He pinches my chin between his thumb and index finger. “How about we take that getaway to the summer palace you want so badly.”
My mind is fuzzy from his kisses, and it takes me a moment to remember why I want to go to the summer palace and what I need to do there.
“Really?”
“Really. I think you’re right. It would be good for us to get away and have time for just the two of us.” He sweeps a sweet kiss across my lips. “When I finally lie with you, I won’t be rushed.”
My stomach flips, then twists miserably. He wants time with just the two of us, wants to spend our time at the summer palace making love and
connecting, when I’ll need it to search for and steal a sacred item from his mother’s library.
Sebastian must see the torment on my face. He frowns. “If you’ve
changed your mind about the palace . . . or about . . . us being together—” “No,” I blurt. “Neither. I’m . . . impatient, but you have things to do. It’s
fine. Thank you.” For Jas, I will deceive him a little longer. For Jas, I will be less than the woman he thinks I am.
But soon I will be better. Soon.
He studies my face as if he’s trying to piece together what he sees there. “Maybe the wait will give you a chance to think about . . . us. To think
about the future.”
“Sebastian . . .” I bite my lip. Tell me you’ll be mine. I don’t want to tell him no. I don’t even want to tell him I don’t know. Because I know what I want to say, but it’s at odds with what I need to do. So I can’t say yes. Not yet.
Soon.
With a stifled wince he puts a finger to my lips. “You don’t need to say anything. I know you’re not ready.” He leaves my room, shutting the door behind him.
 |
Sebastian is going to take me to the summer palace, and until then there’s nothing I can do . . . nothing but train.
After Sebastian’s gone, I shift into the shadows and explore the palace like I’ve done so many times before. I pass Riaan and a few members of the royal guard arguing about something in low tones. I consider stopping, but I’m not interested in spying on Sebastian’s sentinels tonight, not when I my guilt is gnawing at my gut. But I do need to test my ability.
I never go to the east wing of the castle, where the royal family’s
chambers are. They’re always too brightly lit, but I need to push myself and try using my gifts in brighter areas. If I can darken the brightly lit corridor that leads to Sebastian’s rooms, I might find the courage to try something
even harder.
I smile as I pass a second guard and slink closer to his door. Then I smile even more when I remember that Sebastian knows about my powers now.
One less secret. Maybe I’ll leave him a little note to let him know I was there. Maybe I’ll suggest that I can meet him when he returns from his court business.
I hear voices inside and slip through the door without opening it. Or I’ll just surprise him now.
Just as I inch into the room, female laughter greets me, and a matching voice says, “Prince Ronan, you’re a devil.”
The sight before me slams into my chest. I gasp but can’t breathe.
There’s no room for my lungs to expand when they’re surrounded by the shrapnel of my shattered heart. Sebastian and a human girl are tangled up
together. His voice is low and husky as he murmurs something into her ear.
Her skirt is hitched around her waist, and one of her pale legs is wrapped around his hips. His mouth opens on her neck, and she moans in pleasure.
“No.” The word blurts out before I can stop myself, but they’re too focused on each other to hear. I back away and slam into the door I never opened.
I’ve lost my grip on my shadows, and it takes all my focus to turn to
shadow again and slip back into the corridor, all my control to hold on to my magic as I race back to my chambers. I barely make it to the guest hallway before I’m corporeal again, and when I get inside my room, I don’t bother shutting the door behind me before I sink to the floor, shaking.
It couldn’t be. He wouldn’t. That wasn’t Sebastian.
Maybe some shape-shifting faerie is pretending to be him to get to the girls—or maybe . . . maybe . . .
Maybe Sebastian doesn’t think I’m going to agree to marry him, and he’s doing exactly as he told me he would. Maybe he’s trying to find a bride.
Trying to do his duty to his kingdom.
But somehow . . . somehow it never occurred to me that when he’s not
with me, wooing and kissing me, he’s with one of them. Is he sleeping with the other girls? Was I so incredibly naïve to think he wouldn’t? I knew he’d be preparing for the possibility of another bride, but this ache I feel isn’t because he was kissing her, but because he looked like he didn’t want to
stop. What I witnessed wasn’t some duty of the crown, but passion and pleasure—the very thing I was offering him when he left me for a
“meeting.”
My heart feels like it’s been eviscerated, and I can’t decide if I want to
cry or storm back into his room and scream at him. All I know is that I can’t do nothing. I cannot just sit here and be a sad little girl until he comes back to explain why he lied and why he ran from my bed to meet with another
woman.
It hurts. I press a balled fist to my chest, wishing I could tear out the organ inside, desperate for a way to be done with this pain. I don’t want to be a girl who falls apart over a male, but I don’t know how to feel okay with what I just saw. I draw in one gulping breath after another. I won’t let Sebastian turn me into a sniveling idiot. I thought he wanted me. I was such a fool, thinking I was special.
Once I found out who he really was, I didn’t expect to ever want him for myself. I didn’t realize that the idea of him with someone else would hurt so much. By the time I realized my feelings hadn’t disappeared with the knowledge of his deception, I took his word when he told me I was the one he wanted. I never doubted it for a moment.
I should talk to him. At the very least, I should tell him how I feel, but I can’t afford to fight with him. I can’t afford to have him cancel our trip to Serenity Palace or suspect why I’m staying and pretending everything’s okay. Sebastian knows me. He’d never believe that I’d see him with another woman and look the other way.
I push off the floor, determined to pull myself together. I’m here for one purpose, and that’s to save my sister. Maybe I was beginning to think that
more could come of it, that Sebastian and I might someday—
It doesn’t matter. If Sebastian wants to walk away when things are hot and heavy with me just so he can go kiss other girls, it’s his loss. We’re headed to Serenity Palace and that’s all that matters. In the meantime, I won’t be the girl who stays in her room and cries about a boy.
All I need is a little dancing and faerie wine. I’ll give myself one night to shake it off. To lose myself. And tomorrow I’ll be ready to refocus on my task. It’s better this way. Better that I know where I stand. Better that I’m not distracted by Sebastian and an impossible future.
When I step into the ballroom with its raucous music and crowd of dancing bodies, I see Riaan and force a smile for Sebastian’s golden-haired friend. “Good evening.”
“Abriella.” He beams. “So good to see you. Where’s Sebastian?”
“With another woman.” The words are out before I can stop them, but I cover them with a smile, as if they aren’t a blade currently twisting in the
center of my chest. Every time I blink, I see Sebastian’s hand sliding up that girl’s skirt. It’s like being hit in the same place over and over again. An open wound that grows deeper and more tattered with every strike.
His smile falls away. “I’m sure he’d rather be with you.”
“Not at all.” I scan the party, avoiding those piercing, knowing eyes. “He left me to be with her. But it’s fine. At least I know where I stand.”
“You don’t, though.” He shakes his head. “He would give you anything. Abriella, look at me.” When I do, he stoops a bit so we’re eye to eye. “My prince wants you desperately. If he’s with another woman right now, it’s because he was so hurt to discover that you’ve been spending time with Finnian.”
I balk. Riaan knows too? Have I kept no secrets?
“He tells me everything,” he says. “If you care for him, if you don’t want to lose what you two have, you have to regain his trust.”
“I want to,” I say, but it’s not a want. My heart doesn’t give a damn about Sebastian’s trust right now, but my mission . . . I need his trust. “But when I asked Sebastian how, he said he didn’t want to push me into anything I
wasn’t ready for.”
“There is only one ultimate show of trust between a human and a faerie.” “The bond,” I whisper. That’s what Sebastian had meant. He wants me to
share a life-bond with him. But I can’t. Not until I retrieve Mordeus’s
artifacts. Not when the bond would mean Sebastian’s knowing—even in a vague sense—where I am and what I’m doing. But after Jas is safe, when I can finally tell Sebastian the truth, would I be willing to bond with him to prove I can be trusted? Yet it’s not just an issue of him trusting me. After what I saw tonight, I’m not sure I trust Sebastian enough.
“Don’t be afraid of it,” Riaan says, giving me a soft smile. “It’s a kind of intimacy you simply can’t imagine. A connection deeper than any other I’ve ever known. Just . . . consider it.” He straightens as someone calls for him from the other side of the room. He waves before returning his attention to me. “Now, tell me what I can do for you so you can enjoy this fine party.”
I wave him off. “Go. I’m fine.”
He studies me for a beat. “You’re sure?”
“I’m going to dance,” I say, forcing a smile.
“Thatta girl.” He bops me on the nose and turns away to find his friends.
There are parties in the Seelie Court nightly. It seems like most of the palace residents spend their evenings dancing and drinking, but with the
exception of Litha, I’ve never cared to attend. I’ve always made excuses. If my presence was required, I made a polite appearance and then slipped out moments later. But tonight I don’t refuse the faerie wine that’s offered to me. I snatch it from the waiter’s hand and down it in two gulps before grabbing another.
I want the untethering I felt when I danced on my first night here. I want the comforting warmth I felt when I drank Mordeus’s wine. I want to forget this worry and heartache. I welcome the drink to steal my hours so I don’t have to endure this feeling of being crushed beneath the weight of disappointment—in Sebastian and in myself.
By the time the second glass touches my lips, I’m already dancing. My limbs feel lighter, and my head clears of the constant worry. In this moment, I am free. I am the birds swooping through the night sky. The kite cut loose and floating on the breeze, just above the waves.
I’m vaguely aware of cheers, smiles, and laughter of the people around me, but mostly I’m somewhere else. I’m at once here and nowhere. I’m free.
I don’t know how long I’ve been dancing when I find Riaan at my side again. His smile is broad. “How do you feel, Abriella?”
Letting my head loll to the side, I grin. “Beautiful.”
He lowers his mouth to my ear and whispers, “Don’t deny yourself the male you want. Don’t be afraid of this life.”
I stretch my arms above my head and let my hips undulate to the beat. “I’m not afraid of anything tonight.”
“Good.” He takes me by the waist and turns me toward the ballroom doors. “He sent the girl home. He’s alone in his chambers. Maybe you can both have what you want tonight.”
I squirm out of his hold and turn back to him. “You mean the bond?”
His eyes flick over me suggestively, and the corner of his mouth hitches up in a crooked smile. “Among other things.”
“But I can’t,” I whine. My words are slurred. I think I’m still dancing. I don’t know how to stop. Don’t want to. “I can’t even tell you why, or I’ll lose my sister forever.”
Something flickers across his features, and those eyes turn too serious for a beat. “Sebastian will always find a way to give you what you want.”
“I want to dance.” I grab another glass of wine from a passing waiter. “Then dance.” Riaan taps his glass against mine. “It is my pleasure to
serve my future queen.”
Those words bring back memories of Sebastian and the girl tangled up in the shadows in his room. I don’t want those thoughts. I don’t want the bad feelings that come with that memory, so I throw back the third glass, drinking it so fast I cough.
The music changes . . . or maybe that’s me, and my weightless body
suddenly feels very different. I’m hyperaware of my limbs moving through the air, my hips swaying to the beat. Why have I never noticed how nice it is to have a body? To have arms and hands? To feel the air on my skin?
I want more of that.
I reach back to unlace my bodice, but someone stops me.
“Abriella, stop,” Emmaline says, taking me by the shoulders.
I blink at my handmaid a few times, but she flickers in and out of focus, and when I squint, she isn’t one of the twins, she’s Pretha. “Preeetha,” I
crow, dragging out the first syllable. I stroke my hand down her smooth face, trying to see the beautiful faerie’s true form. “You’re so beautiful. Why do you always shift to be someone you’re not?”
“We’re leaving,” she says. “Stop it.” She smacks my hands away from the laces on my bodice.
“We should take off our clothes and feel the air on our skin,” I whisper conspiratorially. “It’s lovely having skin that feels so much. I just want to feel with my skin and not with my stupid heart.”
“You’ve been drugged,” she says. “You don’t know what you want.”
“You’re right about that.” I let her guide me out of the ballroom, mostly because it’s easier to follow than to fight her. Why would I want to fight
and ruin this wonderful feeling?
We’ve always left the palace in a carriage, but today she takes me through a new door in the hall. “Where’d this come from?” I ask, but she’s already pulling me inside, and we’re suddenly in the quiet sitting room of a warm home.
