Contrary to popular opinion, This Author is aware that she is viewed as something of a cynic.
But that, Dear Reader, could not be further from the truth. This Author likes nothing better than a happy ending. And if that makes her a romantic fool, so be it.
LADY WHISTLEDOWN’S SOCIETY PAPERS, 15 JUNE 1814
By the time Anthony reached the overturned carriage, Edwina had managed to crawl from the wreckage and was clawing at a mangled piece of wood, trying to open a hole on the other side of the carriage. The sleeve of her dress was torn, and the hem was ragged and dirty, but she seemed not to notice as she tugged frantically at the door. Newton was jumping and squirming at her feet, his barks sharp and frenzied.
“What happened?” Anthony asked, his voice curt and panicked as he leapt from his horse.
“I don’t know,” Edwina gasped, wiping at the streaky tears that ran down her face. “Mr. Bagwell’s not such an experienced driver, I think, and then Newton got loose, and then I don’t know what happened. One minute we were rolling along, and the next—”
“Where is Bagwell?”
She motioned to the other side of the carriage. “He was thrown. He hit his head. But he’ll be all right. But Kate…”
“What about Kate?” Anthony dropped to his knees as he tried to peer into the wreckage. The entire carriage had overturned, smashing the right side of the vehicle as it had rolled. “Where is she?”
Edwina swallowed convulsively, and her voice barely rose above a whisper as she said, “I think she’s trapped beneath the carriage.”
In that moment Anthony tasted death. It was bitter in his throat, metallic and hard. It scraped his flesh like a knife, choking and squeezing, pulling the air from his very lungs.
Anthony yanked viciously at the wreckage, trying to open a wider hole. It wasn’t as bad as it had looked during the crash, but that did little to calm his racing heart. “Kate!” he yelled, trying to sound calm and unworried. “Kate, can you hear me?”
The only sound he heard in reply, however, was the frantic whinny of the horses. Damn. He’d have to get them unharnessed and loose before they panicked and started trying to drag the debris. “Edwina?” Anthony called sharply, looking over his shoulder.
She hurried over, wringing her hands. “Yes?” “Do you know how to unharness the horses?” She nodded. “I’m not very fast, but I can do it.”
Anthony flicked his head toward the onlookers who were hurrying over. “See if you can find someone to help you.”
She nodded again and quickly got to work.
“Kate?” Anthony yelled again. He couldn’t see anyone; a dislodged bench was blocking the opening. “Can you hear me?”
Still no response.
“Try the other side,” came Edwina’s frantic voice. “The opening isn’t as crushed.”
Anthony jumped to his feet and ran around the back of the carriage to the other side. The door had already come off its hinges, leaving a hole just large enough for him to stuff his upper body into. “Kate?” he called out, trying not to notice the sharp sound of panic in his voice. Every breath from his lips seemed overloud, reverberating in the tight space, reminding him that he wasn’t hearing the same sounds from Kate.
And then, as he carefully moved a seat cushion that had turned sideways, he saw her. She was terrifyingly still, but her head didn’t appear to be stuck in an unnatural position, and he didn’t see any blood.
That had to be a good sign. He didn’t know much of medicine, but he held on to that thought like a miracle.
“You can’t die, Kate,” he said as his terrified fingers yanked away at the wreckage, desperate to open the hole until it was wide enough to pull her through. “Do you hear me? You can’t die!”
A jagged piece of wood sliced open the back of his hand, but Anthony didn’t notice the blood running over his skin as he pulled on another broken beam. “You had better be breathing,” he warned, his voice shaking and precariously close to a sob. “This wasn’t supposed to be you. It was never supposed to be you. It isn’t your time. Do you understand me?”
He tore away another broken piece of wood and reached through the newly widened hole to grasp her hand. His fingers found her pulse, which seemed steady enough to him, but it was still impossible to tell if she was bleeding, or had broken her back, or had hit her head, or had…
His heart shuddered. There were so many ways to die. If a bee could bring down a man in his prime, surely a carriage accident could steal the life of one small woman.
Anthony grabbed the last piece of wood that stood in his way and heaved, but it didn’t budge. “Don’t do this to me,” he muttered. “Not now. It isn’t her time. Do you hear me? It isn’t her time!” He felt something wet on his cheeks and dimly realized that it was tears. “It was supposed to be me,” he said, choking on the words. “It was always supposed to be me.”
And then, just as he was preparing to give that last piece of wood another desperate yank, Kate’s fingers tightened like a claw around his wrist. His eyes flew to her face, just in time to see her eyes open wide and clear, with nary a blink.
“What the devil,” she asked, sounding quite lucid and utterly awake, “are you talking about?”
Relief flooded his chest so quickly it was almost painful. “Are you all right?” he asked, his voice wobbling on every syllable.
She grimaced, then said, “I’ll be fine.”
Anthony paused for the barest of seconds as he considered her choice of words. “But are you fine right now?”
She let out a little cough, and he fancied he could hear her wince with pain. “I did something to my leg,” she admitted. “But I don’t think I’m bleeding.”
“Are you faint? Dizzy? Weak?”
She shook her head. “Just in pain. What are you doing here?” He smiled through his tears. “I came to find you.”
“You did?” she whispered.
He nodded. “I came to—That is to say, I realized…” He swallowed convulsively. He’d never dreamed that the day would come when he’d say these words to a woman, and they’d grown so big in his heart he could barely squeeze them out. “I love you, Kate,” he said chokingly. “It took me a while to figure it out, but I do, and I had to tell you. Today.”
Her lips wobbled into a shaky smile as she motioned to the rest of her body with her chin. “You’ve bloody good timing.”
Amazingly, he found himself grinning in return. “Almost makes you glad I waited so long, eh? If I’d told you last week, I wouldn’t have followed you out to the park today.”
She stuck out her tongue, which, considering the circumstances, made him love her even more. “Just get me out,” she said.
“Then you’ll tell me you love me?” he teased. She smiled, wistful and warm, and nodded.
It was, of course, as good as a declaration, and even though he was crawling through the wreckage of an overturned carriage, even though Kate was stuck in
the cursed carriage, with what might very well be a broken leg, he was suddenly consumed with an overwhelming sense of contentment and peace.
And he realized he hadn’t felt that way for nearly twelve years, not since that fateful afternoon when he’d walked into his parents’ bedroom and seen his father laid out on the bed, cold and still.
“I’m going to pull you through now,” he said, sliding his arms beneath her back. “It’ll hurt your leg, I’m afraid, but it can’t be avoided.”
“My leg already hurts,” she said, smiling bravely. “I just want to get out.”
Anthony gave her a single, serious nod, then curved his hands around her side and began to pull. “How is that?” he asked, his heart stopping every time he saw her wince with pain.
“Fine,” she gasped, but he could tell she was merely putting up a brave front. “I’m going to have to turn you,” he said, eyeing a broken and jagged piece
of wood that stuck down from above. It was going to be difficult to maneuver
her around it. He couldn’t care less if he tore her clothing—hell, he’d buy her a hundred new dresses if she’d only promise never again to step into a carriage if it was being driven by anyone other than himself. But he couldn’t bear the thought of scratching even an inch of her skin. She’d been through enough already. She didn’t need more.
“I need to pull you out headfirst,” he told her. “Do you think you can wiggle yourself around? Just enough so I can grasp under your arms.”
She nodded, gritting her teeth as she painstakingly turned herself inch by inch, lifting herself up on her hands as she scooted her hips around clockwise.
“There you are,” Anthony said encouragingly. “Now I’m going to—” “Just do it,” Kate ground out. “You don’t need to explain.”
“Very well,” he replied, inching backward until his knees found purchase on the grass. On a mental count of three, he gritted his teeth and began to pull her out.
And stopped a second later, as Kate let out an earsplitting scream. If he
hadn’t been so convinced that he’d die within the next nine years, he would have sworn she’d just taken ten off his life.
“Are you all right?” he asked urgently.
“I’m fine,” she insisted. But she was breathing hard, puffing through pursed lips, and her face was tense with pain.
“What happened?” came a voice from just outside the carriage. It was Edwina, done with the horses and sounding frantic. “I heard Kate scream.”
“Edwina?” Kate asked, twisting her neck as she tried to see out. “Are you all right?” She yanked on Anthony’s sleeve. “Is Edwina all right? Is she hurt? Does she need a doctor?”
“Edwina’s fine,” he replied. “You need a doctor.” “And Mr. Bagwell?”
“How’s Bagwell?” Anthony asked Edwina, his voice curt as he concentrated on maneuvering Kate around the debris.
“A bump on his head, but he’s back on his feet.”
“It’s nothing. Can I help?” came a worried male voice.
Anthony had a feeling that the accident had been as much Newton’s fault as Bagwell’s, but still, the young man had been in control of the reins, and Anthony wasn’t inclined to feel charitable toward him just now. “I’ll let you know,” he said curtly, before turning back to Kate and saying, “Bagwell’s fine.”
“I can’t believe I forgot to ask after them.”
“I’m sure your lapse will be pardoned, given the circumstances,” Anthony said, edging farther back until he was nearly entirely out of the carriage. Kate was now positioned at the opening, and it would take only one more—rather long and almost certainly painful—tug to get her out.
“Edwina? Edwina?” Kate was calling out. “Are you sure you’re not injured?”
Edwina jammed her face into the opening. “I’m fine,” she said reassuringly. “Mr. Bagwell was thrown clear, and I was able to—”
Anthony elbowed her out of the way. “Grit your teeth, Kate,” he ordered. “What? I—Aaaaaaaargh!”
With one single tug, he freed her completely from the wreckage, both of them landing on the ground, both of them breathing hard. But where Anthony’s hyperventilation was from exertion, Kate’s was obviously from intense pain.
“Good God!” Edwina nearly yelled. “Look at her leg!”
Anthony glanced over at Kate and felt his stomach drop down clear to his toes. Her lower leg was crooked and bent, and more than obviously broken. He swallowed convulsively, trying not to let his concern show. Legs could be set, but he’d also heard of men who’d lost limbs due to infection and bad medical care.
“What’s wrong with my leg?” Kate asked. “It hurts, but—Oh, my God!” “Best not to look,” Anthony said, trying to tip her chin in the other direction.
Her breathing, which was already rapid from trying to control the pain, grew erratic and panicked. “Oh, my God,” she gasped. “It hurts. Didn’t realize how much it hurt until I saw—”
“Don’t look,” Anthony ordered. “Oh, my God. Oh, my God.”
“Kate?” Edwina asked in a concerned voice, leaning in. “Are you all right?” “Look at my leg!” Kate nearly shrieked. “Does it look all right?”
“I was actually speaking of your face. You look a bit green.”
But Kate couldn’t reply. She was hyperventilating too hard. And then, with Anthony, Edwina, Mr. Bagwell, and Newton all staring down at her, her eyes rolled back in her head, and she fainted.
Three hours later, Kate was installed in her bed, certainly not comfortable but at least in a bit less pain thanks to the laudanum Anthony had forced down her throat the minute they’d gotten home. Her leg had been expertly set by the three surgeons Anthony had summoned (not, as all three surgeons had pointed out, that more than one was needed to set a bone, but Anthony had crossed his arms implacably and stared them all down until they’d shut up), and a physician had stopped by to leave several prescriptions that he swore would hasten the bone-knitting process.
Anthony had fussed over her like a mother hen, second-guessing every move from every doctor until one of them had actually had the audacity to ask him when he’d received his license from the Royal College of Physicians.
Anthony had not been amused.
But after much haranguing, Kate’s leg was set and splinted, and she was told to look forward to at least a month of confinement in bed.
“Look forward?” she groaned to Anthony once the last of the surgeons had gone. “How can I look forward to that?”
“You’ll be able to catch up on your reading,” he suggested.
She let out an impatient exhale through her nose; it was hard to breathe through her mouth while clenching her teeth. “I wasn’t aware I was behind on my reading.”
If he’d been tempted to laugh, he did a good job of hiding it. “Perhaps you could take up needlework,” he suggested.
She just glared at him. As if the prospect of needlework were going to make her feel better.
He sat gingerly on the edge of her bed and patted the back of her hand. “I’ll keep you company,” he said with an encouraging smile. “I’d already decided to cut back on the time I spent at my club.”
Kate sighed. She was tired and cranky and in pain, and she was taking it out on her husband, which really wasn’t fair. She turned her hand over so that their palms met and then entwined her fingers through his. “I love you, you know,” she said softly.
He squeezed her hands and nodded, the warmth of his eyes on hers saying more than words ever could.
“You told me not to,” Kate said. “I was an ass.”
She didn’t argue; a quirk of his lips told her that he noticed her lack of contradiction. After a moment of silence, she said, “You were saying some odd things in the park.”
Anthony’s hand remained in hers, but his body pulled back slightly. “I don’t know what you mean,” he replied.
“I think you do,” she said softly.
Anthony closed his eyes for a moment, then stood, his fingers trailing through her grasp until finally they were no longer touching at all. For so many years he’d been careful to keep his odd convictions to himself. It seemed best. Either people would believe him and then worry or they wouldn’t and then think him insane.
Neither option was particularly appealing.
But now, in the heat of one terrified moment, he’d blurted it out to his wife. He couldn’t even remember exactly what he’d said. But it had been enough to make her curious. And Kate wasn’t the sort to let go of a curiosity. He could practice all the avoidance he wanted, but eventually she’d get it out of him. A more stubborn woman had never been born.
He walked to the window and leaned against the sill, gazing blankly in front of him as if he could actually see the streetscape through the heavy burgundy drapes that had long since been pulled shut. “There is something you should know about me,” he whispered.
She didn’t say anything, but he knew she’d heard. Maybe it was the sound of her changing her position in bed, maybe it was the sheer electricity in the air.
But somehow he knew.
He turned around. It would have been easier to speak his words to the curtains, but she deserved better from him. She was sitting up in bed, her leg
propped up on pillows, her eyes wide and filled with a heartbreaking mix of curiosity and concern.
“I don’t know how to tell you this without sounding ridiculous,” he said. “Sometimes the easiest way is just to say it,” she murmured. She patted an
empty spot on the bed. “Do you want to sit beside me?”
He shook his head. Proximity would only make it that much more difficult. “Something happened to me when my father died,” he said.
“You were very close to him, weren’t you?”
He nodded. “Closer than I’d ever been to anyone, until I met you.” Her eyes glistened. “What happened?”
“It was very unexpected,” he said. His voice was flat, as if he were recounting an obscure news item and not the single most disturbing event of his life. “A bee, I told you.”
She nodded.
“Who would have thought a bee could kill a man?” Anthony said with a caustic laugh. “It would have been funny if it weren’t so tragic.”
She didn’t say anything, just looked at him with a sympathy that made his heart break.
“I stayed with him throughout the night,” he continued, turning slightly so that he would not have to look into her eyes. “He was dead, of course, but I needed a little more time. I just sat beside him and watched his face.” Another short burst of angry laughter escaped his lips. “God, what a fool I was. I think I half expected him to open his eyes at any moment.”
“I don’t think that’s foolish,” Kate said softly. “I’ve seen death, too. It’s hard to believe that someone is gone when he looks so normal and at peace.”
“I don’t know when it happened,” Anthony said, “but by morning I was sure.”
“That he was dead?” she asked.
“No,” he said roughly, “that I would be, too.”
He waited for her to comment, he waited for her to cry, to do anything, but she just sat there staring at him with no perceptible change of expression, until finally he had to say, “I’m not as great a man as my father was.”
“He might choose to disagree,” she said quietly.
“Well, he’s not here to do that, is he?” Anthony snapped. Again, she said nothing. Again, he felt like a heel.
He cursed under his breath and pressed his fingers against his temples. His head was starting to throb. He was starting to feel dizzy, and he realized that he couldn’t remember the last time he’d eaten. “It’s my judgment to make,” he said in a low voice. “You didn’t know him.”
He sagged against a wall with a long, weary exhale, and said, “Just let me tell you. Don’t talk, don’t interrupt, don’t judge. It’s hard enough to get it out as it is. Can you do that for me?”
She nodded.
Anthony took a shaky breath. “My father was the greatest man I’ve ever known. Not a day goes by when I don’t realize that I’m not living up to his standards. I knew that he was everything to which I could aspire. I might not ever match his greatness, but if I could come close I’d be satisfied. That’s all I ever wanted. Just to come close.”
He looked at Kate. He wasn’t sure why. Maybe for reassurance, maybe for sympathy. Maybe just to see her face.
“If there was one thing I knew,” he whispered, somehow finding the courage to keep his eyes focused on hers, “it was that I would never surpass him. Not even in years.”
“What are you trying to tell me?” she whispered.
He shrugged helplessly. “I know it makes no sense. I know I can offer no
rational explanation. But since that night when I sat with my father’s dead body, I knew I couldn’t possibly live any longer than he had.”
“I see,” she said quietly.
“Do you?” And then, as if a dam had burst, the words poured forth. It all gushed out of him—why he’d been so dead set against marrying for love, the jealousy he’d felt when he’d realized that she’d managed to fight her demons and win.
He watched as she brought one of her hands to her mouth and bit the end of her thumb. He’d seen her do that before, he realized—whenever she was disturbed or deep in thought.
“How old was your father when he died?” she asked. “Thirty-eight.”
“How old are you now?”
He looked at her curiously; she knew his age. But he said it anyway. “Twenty-nine.”
“So by your estimation, we have nine years left.” “At most.”
“And you truly believe this.” He nodded.
She pursed her lips and let out a long breath through her nose. Finally, after what felt like an endless silence, she looked back up at him with clear, direct eyes, and said, “Well, you’re wrong.”
Oddly enough, the straightforward tone of her voice was rather reassuring. Anthony even felt one corner of his mouth lift up in the palest of smiles. “You think I’m unaware of how ludicrous it all sounds?”
“I don’t think it sounds ludicrous at all. It sounds like a perfectly normal reaction, actually, especially considering how much you adored your father.”
She lifted her shoulders in a rather self-aware shrug as her head tipped to the side. “But it’s still wrong.”
Anthony didn’t say anything.
“Your father’s death was an accident,” Kate said. “An accident. A terrible, horrible twist of fate that no one could have predicted.”
Anthony shrugged fatalistically. “I’ll probably go the same way.” “Oh, for the love of—” Kate managed to bite her tongue a split second
before she blasphemed. “Anthony, I could die tomorrow as well. I could have
died today when that carriage rolled on top of me.” He paled. “Don’t ever remind me of that.”
“My mother died when she was my age,” Kate reminded him harshly. “Did you ever think of that? By your laws, I should be dead by my next birthday.”
“Don’t be—”
“Silly?” she finished for him. Silence reigned for a full minute.
Finally, Anthony said, his voice barely above a whisper, “I don’t know if I can get past this.”
“You don’t have to get past it,” Kate said. She caught her lower lip, which had begun to tremble, between her teeth, and then laid her hand on an empty spot on the bed. “Could you come over here so I can hold your hand?”
Anthony responded instantly; the warmth of her touch flooded him, seeping through his body until it caressed his very soul. And in that moment he realized that this was about more than love. This woman made him a better person. He’d been good and strong and kind before, but with her at his side, he was something more.
And together they could do anything.
It almost made him think that forty might not be such an impossible dream.
“You don’t have to get past it,” she said again, her words blowing softly between them. “To be honest, I don’t see how you could get completely past it until you turn thirty-nine. But what you can do”—she gave his hand a squeeze, and Anthony somehow felt even stronger than he had just moments before—“is refuse to allow it to rule your life.”
“I realized that this morning,” he whispered, “when I knew I had to tell you I loved you. But somehow now—now I know it.”
She nodded, and he saw that her eyes were filling with tears. “You have to live each hour as if it’s your last,” she said, “and each day as if you were immortal. When my father grew ill, he had so many regrets. There were so many things he wished he’d done, he told me. He’d always assumed he had more time. That’s something I’ve always carried with me. Why on earth do you think I decided to attempt the flute at such an advanced age? Everyone told me I was too old, that to be truly good at it I had to have started as a child. But that’s not the point, really. I don’t need to be truly good. I just need to enjoy it for myself. And I need to know I tried.”
Anthony smiled. She was a terrible flutist. Even Newton couldn’t bear to listen.
“But the opposite is true as well,” Kate added softly. “You can’t shun new challenges or hide yourself from love just because you think you might not be here to carry your dreams to completion. In the end, you’ll have just as many regrets as did my father.”
“I didn’t want to love you,” Anthony whispered. “It was the one thing I feared above all. I’d grown rather used to my rather odd little outlook on life. Almost comfortable, actually. But love—” His voice caught; the choking sound seemed unmanly, it made him vulnerable. But he didn’t care, because this was Kate.
And it didn’t matter if she saw his deepest fears, because he knew she’d love him no matter what. It was a sublimely freeing feeling.
“I’ve seen true love,” he continued. “I wasn’t the cynical jade society made me out to be. I knew love existed. My mother—my father—” He stopped, sucking in a ragged breath. This was the hardest thing he’d ever done. And yet
he knew the words had to be said. He knew, no matter how difficult it was to get them out, that in the end, his heart would soar.
“I was so sure that it was the one thing that could make this…this…I don’t really know what to call it—this knowledge of my own mortality…” He raked his hand through his hair, fighting for words. “Love was the only thing that was going to make that unbearable. How could I love someone, truly and deeply, knowing that it was doomed?”
“But it’s not doomed,” Kate said, squeezing his hand.
“I know. I fell in love with you, and then I knew. Even if I am right, even if I’m fated to live only as long as my father did before me, I’m not doomed.” He leaned forward and brushed a feather-light kiss on her lips. “I have you,” he whispered, “and I’m not going to waste a single moment we have together.”
Kate’s lips spread into a smile. “What does that mean?”
“It means that love isn’t about being afraid that it will all be snatched away.
Love’s about finding the one person who makes your heart complete, who makes you a better person than you ever dreamed you could be. It’s about looking in the eyes of your wife and knowing, all the way to your bones, that she’s simply the best person you’ve ever known.”
“Oh, Anthony,” Kate whispered, tears streaming down her cheeks. “That’s how I feel about you.”
“When I thought you’d died—”
“Don’t say it,” she choked out. “You don’t have to relive that.”
“No,” he said. “I do. I have to tell you. It was the first time—even after all these years of expecting my own death—that I truly knew what it meant to die. Because with you gone…there was nothing left for me to live for. I don’t know how my mother did it.”
“She had her children,” Kate said. “She couldn’t leave you.”
“I know,” he whispered, “but the pain she must have endured…”
“I think the human heart must be stronger than we could ever imagine.”
Anthony stared at her for a long moment, his eyes locking with hers until he felt they must be one person. Then, with a shaking hand, he cupped the back of her head and leaned down to kiss her. His lips worshiped hers, offering her every ounce of love and devotion and reverence and prayer that he felt in his soul.
“I love you, Kate,” he whispered, his lips brushing the words against her mouth. “I love you so much.”
She nodded, unable to make a sound. “And right now I wish…I wish…”
And then the strangest thing happened. Laughter bubbled up inside of him. He was overtaken by the pure joy of the moment, and it was all he could do not to pick her up and twirl her grandly through the air.
“Anthony?” she asked, sounding equal parts confused and amused.
“Do you know what else love means?” he murmured, planting his hands on either side of her body and letting his nose rest against hers.
She shook her head. “I couldn’t possibly even hazard a guess.”
“It means,” he grumbled, “that I’m finding this broken leg of yours a damned nuisance.”
“Not half so much as I, my lord,” she said, casting a rueful glance at her splinted leg.
Anthony frowned. “No vigorous exercise for two months, eh?” “At least.”
He grinned, and in that moment he looked every inch the rake she’d once accused him of being. “Clearly,” he murmured, “I shall have to be very, very gentle.”
“Tonight?” she croaked.
He shook his head. “Even I haven’t the talent to express myself with that
light a touch.”
Kate giggled. She couldn’t help herself. She loved this man and he loved her and whether he knew it or not, they were going to grow very, very old together. It was enough to make a girl—even a girl with a broken leg—positively giddy.
“Are you laughing at me?” he queried, one of his brows arching arrogantly as he slid his body into place next to her.
“I wouldn’t dream of it.”
“Good. Because I have some very important things to tell you.” “Really?”
He nodded gravely. “I may not be able to show you how much I love you this eve, but I can tell you.”
“I should never tire of hearing it,” she murmured.
“Good. Because when I’m done telling you, I’m going to tell you how I’d like to show you.”
“Anthony!” she squeaked.
“I think I’d start with your earlobe,” he mused. “Yes, definitely the earlobe.
I’d kiss it, and then nibble it, and then…”
Kate gasped. And then she squirmed. And then she fell in love with him all over again.
And as he whispered sweet nothings in her ear, she had the strangest sensation, almost as if she could see her entire future laid out before her. Each day was richer and fuller than the last, and every day she was falling, falling, falling…
Was it possible to fall in love with the same man over and over again, every single day?
Kate sighed as she settled into the pillows, letting his wicked words wash
over her.
By God, she was going to try.
