โI need a drink. But not the kind anyone would expect me to go for.โ
I toss my keys onto my kitchen counter and bypass the beer thatโs been sitting in my fridge for months only to turn on my electric kettle instead. I started drinking a lot of chamomile tea after surgery to help me sleep, and somehow, Iโve become addicted. Throw some honey in that shit and feel the warmth as it heats you from the inside out. Itโs good on a lonely night or when I feel the weight of the world pressing in on me.
After the water boils, I submerge the tea bag to let it steep, and while I wait, I look around my big empty house. Itโs enormous. Somehow growing in vastness by the day. I bought it a few years ago so I could throw big parties and have more than enough room. And yeah, it was perfect for that. But when itโs empty, itโs really freaking empty. The thing is, I donโt miss the parties at all. This silence, however, is starting to wear on me.
Pulling out my phone, I dial my mom, which is how I know Iโm really in a low spot.
โDerek! This is a pleasant surprise. Everything okay?โ Her soft voice is colored with concern. In times like this, I have to block out memories of our loud fights in the kitchen when she would tell me how disappointed she was about my grades after looking at my report card.ย Why canโt you just apply yourself like Ginny?ย Where was this concern for me back then when I was telling her school wasnโt as easy for me as it was for my sisterโand sheโd roll her eyes. Maybe thatโs why I havenโt told my parents yet about my
recent diagnosis. Thereโs still a wound that hasnโt healed, and Iโm not ready for my parents to comment on it in any way.
I hop up on the counter, take a drink of my tea, and lie to my mom. โYeah. Everythingโs good.โ
On the way home, I turned on a sports talk radio show and wouldnโt you know it, those two shitheads Glenn and Brenn or Jim and JamโฆI donโt care other than they were spouting off once again about how a guy my age might not be able to come back from the injury I sustained.ย Compound fracture to the ankle is a career death sentence.
It doesnโt help that our teamโs medical personnel have been keeping the media informed of my recovery only in the most basic of regards: โWeโre optimistic he will have a full recovery and be ready by the time the season starts. Weโll evaluate him further when he returns to the facilities.โ
But theyโre not exactly saying anything to help put these guysโ faith in me again. They predict Iโll play game one like a rusty old wheel.ย Itโs sad to see greats like Pender fall, but in the end, itโs gotta happen to make room for the new generation like Abbot.ย I havenโt even had the chance to play yet and theyโve already got me with one foot out the damn door.ย Myย door. The Sharks areย myย team full ofย myย brothers and they are trying to hand my position over to Abbot on a silver platter.
Itโs not Abbotโs fault, though. Heโs a good guy and a great athlete.
The problem is, I used to let negative talk fuel my fire. Right out of surgery, I did everything I could to rehab correctly and efficiently. I thought my fans were on my side, and that helped. But over the months since then, Iโve seen how quickly an entire fan base can turn and grow hearts in their eyes for another player.
Abbot isnโt out to get me or anything, but he sure isnโt hiding away either. On his social media, the kidโs been posting daily workout videos showing how heโs staying in shape in the offseason and doing live sessions so his fans can train with him. Lots of other shit like that too.
I always knew my days on the field were numbered, but now itโs getting real. I imagined that Iโd be married with maybe a kid or two when
retirement came for me. Iโd be ready for the next chapter. Right nowโIโm not even close to ready. Iโm terrified.
โYou sure youโre okay? You sound off,โ my mom says, pulling me out of my miserable thoughts.
I clear my throat and smile like she can see it through the line. โYep. All good. Just wanted to see whatโs up with you and Dad.โ And to hear my momโs voice because thereโs lots of books out there to help you cope with over-the-top toxic parents, but few that help you navigate a complicated relationship with parents you very much love but still carry some childhood hurt from.
โNothing much going on here!โ my dad chimes in. Apparently, theyโre old enough now to have entered the stealth speakerphone era. โWe had lunch with your sister yesterday. Sheโs thriving at the new hospital.โ
โIโd expect nothing less from Ginny.โ My sister really is great. I donโt have anything against herโand we stay in contact for the most part. I just hate that her name is often a reminder of my shortcomings. Lately, Iโve been wondering if I get cut from the team, if my parents will look at me again like they used to.ย Disappointment. Frustration.ย Or have I finally proved myself enough to them that weโll continue on like normal.
This call is doing the opposite of what I hoped it would do. So we talk for a few more minutes about nothing in particular and I hang up and set my phone down.
The house is so silent that the click of my phone case against the marble counter echoes like a penny dropped down a well. I already worked out todayโbut Iโm considering going out to my home gym and doing some extra rehab exercises. Mainly because thereโs nothing to do and I donโt feel like seeing friends. But instead of going right to the gym, I lie back on the counter and stare up at the ceiling and let my thoughts travel to the one place I shouldnโt.
Nora Mackenzie.
I smile, realizing I know the perfect way to fill my time and the silence.