โFifteen quick steps and Iโm out in the hallway. What is happening? I repeat,โ
what is happening?
I double over by the ice machines and clutch my stomach. Iโm grasping for breath like a claw in a toy machineโcanโt quite get it.
Derek wants to woo me? Do I want him to?
My head is spinning. Iโm terrified, and yet the smile on my face is drawn in permanent marker. I should find a way to wipe it right off, though, because no good can come from this. First of all, weโre married and need to get a divorce. How would we throw dating into the mix? Do we just stay married? Do we divorce so we can date? Second, Iโm his agent and I want to continue being his agent. Third, I want him to take all my clothes off and
โ
Shoot.ย Thatโs not supposed to be a point. And Iโm not really the casual take-my-clothes-off-just-for-the-hell-of-it person. No matter how much I wish otherwise. When my clothes come off, my little monogamous backpack of feelings clips on. I canโt help it. Itโs the law of my body governed by a cute little prudish policewoman that I really wish would go away sometimes.
And therefore I need to call my mom. My best friend. She always knows what to do.
I swipe through my phone as quickly as possible to find my momโs name. Two rings later, she answers. โHi, honey! Howโs your fake honeymoon going? Oh, by the way, I got on Instant Gram this morning to see if you sent me any new cute animal reels and my gosh, honey, your face was everywhere! Well, yours and Derekโs faces and mostly pressed together making out on the beach. But still. Did you know that youโve gone vital?โ
Calling Pam is always the right decision. โMom, first, itโs called Instagram. And itโs not going vital, itโs going viral.โ
Thereโs music in the background, as well as someone talking loudly. โLike a virus? Ew, why would we call it that?โ
โBecause it spreads quickly, I guess.โ
โI likeย vitalย better.โ Someone shushes my mom.
โAgreedโletโs change it. But no, I havenโt gotten on social media at all, and now Iโm glad I havenโt.โ The music on her end is booming. โMom, where are you?โ
โIโm in the movies. But itโs just the trailers playing right now.โ She pulls the phone away from her ear a little to talk to someone around her. โOhโ for pity sakes, itโs just the trailers! No one cares about these movies anyway and this is my daughter on the phone. Do you have a daughter? Well, you would know how important it is to not miss this call if you did! Okay, okay, Iโm leaving!โ
Thereโs a muffled sound like fabric scraping the phone and then, โNora, you still there? Iโm in the lobby now.โ
โIโm here.โ The wall is solid at my back. I slide down it and sink down to the floorโtucking my knees up into my sweatshirt. โWhat movie are you seeing?โ
โThat action flick where the guy takes off his shirt.โ
โOh yeahโthe guy with all the abs?โ I set my chin on my knees. โYes. And good hair too.โ
โRight. I know exactly the one youโre talking about.โ We both chuckle. โI wish I was there watching it with you.โ
โWhy, pretzel?โ she says, playfully using the ridiculous nickname. โAre you not having a good time on your fake honeymoon with your ex-
boyfriend?โ
โThatโs the problem.โ I whine like I would never whine to anyone else but my mom. Iโm safe to be absolutely obnoxious with her. โItโs getting complicated because Iโm having too much fun. And just nowโฆโ
I launch into a lengthy explanation of every single detail of the last twenty-four hours. Even the parts a daughter would normally leave out from telling her mom, I tell mine because Iโm not kidding when I say my mom has become my best friend. Partly out of necessity because either I tunnel-vision on work too much or Iโm simply too much for people, and both options leave me pretty lonely at the end of the day. But also because my mom has always given me room to make mistakes and tell the truth without fear sheโd use it against me. Weโre genuine friends, and her opinion is the shiniest gold in my eyes. Which is why itโs a little unnerving that sheโs completely quiet during my story.
Itโs unlike Pam to be silent. By now there should be a hundred different gasps, andย he didnโt!ย comments.
After Iโve finished, my mom asks me one question and one question only. โNoraโฆis your silverware drawer stocked?โ
My mouth falls open, but it takes me a second to form any words. โIs myโฆ? What? Mom, I just told you my ex-boyfriend-slash-fake-husband- slash-client wants to woo me and all you can ask is if my silverware drawer is stocked? Youโre giving off one-fry-short-of-a-Happy-Meal vibes right now.โ
โWell, honey, Iโve seen the state your spoons are in,โ she says emphatically, like that explanation is reason enough. โThose things have gone down the garbage disposal more times than any spoon should, and Iโve personally thrown a few of them awayโso Iโm worried that there wonโt be enough utensils for two people.โ
Movement by the ice machine catches my eye and I spot a woman approaching the reusable water bottle filler station. She has five water bottles in her arms and canโt figure out how to get the tap to turn on.
โI have two spoons and three forks and one knife,โ I tell my mom while watching the woman wave at the dispenser like itโs motion activated and
requires an interpretive dance to work. Solid logic, honestly. Everything seems to be motion activated these days. I often wonder how many hours of my life Iโve lost while waving at hand-drying machines until they turn on.
My mom hums knowingly. โThought so. Iโll stop by the store tomorrow and restock them for you.โ
I laugh like sheโs finally cracked. โMom! Why are you going to restock my silverware drawer?โ
Pushing off the floor, I walk over to the woman and gesture for her to let me have her water bottle. She eyes me up and down speculatively because in my ratty old sweatshirt, and seemingly nonexistent short-shorts underneath it, I must look like a failed influencer who just lost all her money on a shampoo pyramid scheme and is trying to secretly live within the resort.
The lady reluctantly hands over her empty water bottle and I hold it under the fountain, pressing the little pedal on the floor to release the stream of water. The lady gasps and smiles wide. I feel like a top-tier magician. How glorious. Maybe a change of professions is in order.
My mom continues while I work to fill this ladyโs water bottles one after the other. โBecause, Nora, my only daughter just got married. And I want her new husband to be able to eat cereal with her in the morning without cutting his mouth.โ
โBut Momโright now itโs fake. F. A. K. E. You understand that, right?โ I say, and then remember the woman beside me and hope she has no idea who I am. I smile awkwardly at her as she hands me another bottle. Iโm no longer a magician to herโshe thinks I work here. โWe havenโt even talked about what will happen when we go back home. All he said is heโs going to woo me on this vacation.โ
The lady beside me waggles her eyebrows and nudges my shoulder. โThat sounds fun,โ she whispers. I nod several times because it really has the potential to be a good time.
โDarling, I love you with every fiber of my being, but Iโm angry at you for thinking any of this is fake. Or even has been fake since the beginning. And since I happen to know with all my motherly wisdom that itโs not fake
and that that boy will be sleeping over at your house before you know it, I want to restock your silverware drawer. Donโt worry, I have a key to your apartment.โ
โI do worry, Mom! I worry about the state of your comprehension skills right now. Youโre not listening. This could go badly a thousand different ways. And besides, where is my fiercely feminist mother who usually tells me to consider my career first?โ
โNow I worry about your comprehension skills. Have you not been listening to me all these years? Feminism, my love, is about uplifting women and fighting for our rights to equality and choice. If your choice is to follow your career, I will fight for that until my dying breath. If your choice is to be married and become a mother, or even a combination of both, I will fight for that until my dying breath too. Itโs not about what that choice is, itโs about your freedom to make it. All Iโve ever wantedโand continue to want for youโis a partner who is going to uplift you as much as I know you will uplift himโand to cut loose anyone else who would dare do otherwise.โ
The lady beside me must be able to hear my momโs voice through the phone because she gives me moony eyes as she covers her heart with her hand. She shoos me away from the fountain to finish up her remaining water bottle herself and signals for me to go talk to my mom.ย Take the day off from your water bottle job,ย her eyes say. And this is what I love about women. Movies prefer to portray us as cattyโbut I know better because of moments like this. And moments where complete strangers have banded together in the bathroom to find me a tampon when I started my period unprepared.
โAnd Nora, my little butternut squash, you donโt make rash decisions. Everything you do has a motive and reason behind it. Even when youโre drunk. Honey, remember last year when we accidentally drank a little too much at that wine tasting and then you ordered your pink couch online. You laughed it off later as a frivolous drunken mistake, but you forget that I follow your Pinterest boards and I happen to know you had been pinning pink couches for a month before that. Youย wantedย that couch.โ
I did want that couch. I wanted it more than anything.
My bare feet pad back down the hallway toward our suite before I even realize what Iโm doing. โWhat are you saying, Pam? That Derek is my pink couch? You think Iโve been nursing a broken heart all these years and pining for him? Iโm the one who broke up with him because I wanted to pursue my career, if you will remember.โ
โI think you already know the answers to those questions and donโt need me to point them out.โ
Sheโs right. I have been nursing a broken heart, Iโm just embarrassed to admit it to my strong mom. And it doesnโt matter that I ended it with himโ my heart was still broken. The only difference is that Iโm the one who shattered it myself.
โNora, you are so excellent at thinking with your head. Iโve always admired your ability to look at life ten steps ahead and maneuver yourself in the safest most efficient route.โ
โThank you. You should see me play checkers.โ
My mom doesnโt stop for my quip. โItโs worked for you because you really needed that stability and self-preservation from the way your dad has always come and gone from your life. But now, my darling goddessโฆ youโre standing on your own two feet. You know who you are and what you want out of this life, and I think it might be time to think with your heart a little bit and give your brain a rest. And if your heart wants Derekโฆwell then, my sugar plum fairy, as of tomorrow, youโll have enough silverware to accommodate him.โ
Iโm silent for a minute, digesting everything she said in little bite-sized lumps. And when I canโt think of any adequate or profound ways to tell her I love her more than the ocean or rainbows or Sprite from McDonaldโs after a stomach bug, I settle for a fact. โYou know Derek has a mansion, right? Full of spoons.โ
โBut does his mansion have a beautiful woman and a pink couch?โ
The door to our suite looms in front of me, and I eye it as if itโs a fire- breathing dragon. โIโm frustrated with myself, Mom.โ
โWhy?โ
โBecause youโre right about all of it, obviously, and I do still have feelings for Derekโlove him, evenโand did when I broke up with him too. But I really thought there wasnโt a way that we would work out back then and be able to pursue our separate dreams.โย I also might have been trying to beat him to the punch by breaking up with him before he had a chance to break my heart.ย โBut now that Iโm here and weโve both achieved our goals and our feelings have lasted all this time, I canโt decide if I regret breaking up with him or if Iโm happy I followed my career?โ
โI think both realities can be true. You donโt have to pick. Maybe Derek was always the right person, just at the wrong time.โ I can hear the smile in my momโs voice because she knows that what sheโs saying is profound, and she will likely turn it into an inspirational quote for Pinterest after we hang up. Sheโll take up embroidery just so she can stitch it onto a pillow.
โNow, Iโm just your old mom, but I say Derekโs right and you could ease up on yourself this week. Use this time to get to know him again and figure out what you really want. Have some fun.โ
It feels like my stomach grows wings and dashes off a cliff at those words.ย Have some fun.ย The concept is definitely long overdue.
โDo you want shiny silverware or matte?โ she finally asks. โMatte. Thank you, Mom.โ
โIโm just a call away if you need me, lovey. But maybe wait until my movie is over because those people in there would be excellent hall monitors and Iโm scared to find out what theyโll do to me if I act up again.โ
We end the call after exchangingย I love youโs and Mom reminding me to wear sunscreen (a little too late for that, lady) and then I lower my phone and eye the door again. I would touch it longingly if I didnโt think the security cameras out here would catch me looking angsty.
Before I let myself start thinking too hard about this, I fill my lungs with a breath so big they might pop and then I march into the suite.
Derek is on the floor foam-rolling his right hamstrings when I storm into the room. His eyebrows lift.
โFirst of all, that is a very scandalous position youโre in, sir.โ
โIโve learned not to do this stretch around any cameras for a reason,โ he says. โDo you have a second following the first?โ
โYes,โ I say with one final, definitive Nicole-esque head nod. โLetโs break all the rules, Derek Pender.โ