As I completed dinner preparation, Rosie set the tableโnot the conventional dining table in the living room, but a makeshift table on the balcony, created by taking a whiteboard from the kitchen wall and placing it on top of the two big plant pots, from which the dead plants had been removed. A white sheet from the linen cupboard had been added in the role of tablecloth. Silver cutleryโa housewarming gift from my parents that had never been usedโand the decorative wineglasses were on the table. She was destroying my apartment!
It had never occurred to me to eat on the balcony.ย ๎e rain from early in the evening had cleared when I came outside with the food, and I estimated the temperature at twenty-two degrees Celsius.
โDo we have to eat right away?โ asked Rosie, an odd question, since she had claimed that she was starving some hours ago.
โNo, it wonโt get cold. Itโs already cold.โ I was conscious of sounding awkward. โIs there some reason to delay?โ
โ๎e city lights.ย ๎e viewโs amazing.โ
โUnfortunately itโs static. Once youโve examined it, thereโs no reason to look again. Like paintings.โ
โBut it changes all the time. What about in the early morning? Or when it rains? What about coming up here just to sit?โ
I had no answer that was likely to satisfy her. I had seen the view when I bought the apartment. It did not change much in di๏ฌerent conditions. And the only times I just sat were when I was waiting for an appointment or if I was re๏ฌecting on a problem, in which case interesting surroundings would be a distraction.
I moved into the space beside Rosie and re๏ฌlled her glass. She smiled.
She was almost certainly wearing lipstick.
I attempt to produce a standard, repeatable meal, but obviously ingredients vary in their quality from week to week. Todayโs seemed to be of an unusually high standard.ย ๎e lobster salad had never tasted so good.
I remembered the basic rule of asking a woman to talk about herself. Rosie had already raised the topic of dealing with di๏ฌcult customers in a bar, so I asked her to elaborate.ย ๎is was an excellent move. She had a number of hilarious stories, and I noted some interpersonal techniques for possible future use.
We ๏ฌnished the lobster.ย ๎en Rosie opened her bag and pulled out a pack of cigarettes! How can I convey my horror? Smoking is not only unhealthy in itself and dangerous to others in the vicinity, it is a clear indication of an irrational approach to life.ย ๎ere was a good reason for its being the ๏ฌrst item on my questionnaire.
Rosie must have noticed my shock. โRelax. Weโre outside.โ
๎ere was no point in arguing. I would not be seeing her again after tonight.ย ๎e lighter ๏ฌamed and she held it to the cigarette between her arti๏ฌcially red lips.
โAnyhow, Iโve got a genetics question,โ she said. โProceed.โ I was back in the world I knew.
โSomeone told me you can tell if a personโs monogamous by the size of their testicles.โ
๎e sexual aspects of biology regularly feature in the popular press, so this was not as stupid a statement as it might appear, although it embodied a typical misconception. It occurred to me that it could be some sort of code for a sexual advance, but I decided to play safe and respond to the question literally.
โRidiculous,โ I said.
Rosie seemed very pleased with my answer. โYouโre a star,โ she said. โIโve just won a bet.โ
I proceeded to elaborate and noted that Rosieโs expression of satisfaction faded. I guessed that she had oversimpli๏ฌed her question and that my more detailed explanation was in fact what she had been told.
โ๎ere may be some correlation at the individual level, but the rule applies to species. Homo sapiens are basically monogamous but tactically unfaithful. Males bene๏ฌt from impregnating as many females as possible
but are able to support only one set of o๏ฌspring. Females seek maximum-quality genes for their children plus a male to support them.โ
I was just settling into the familiar role of lecturer when Rosie interrupted.
โWhat about the testicles?โ
โBigger testicles produce more semen. Monogamous species require only the amount su๏ฌcient for their mate. Humans need extra to take advantage of random opportunities and to attack the sperm of recent intruders.โ
โNice,โ said Rosie.
โNot really.ย ๎e behavior evolved in the ancestral environment.ย ๎e modern world requires additional rules.โ
โYeah,โ said Rosie. โLike being there for your kids.โ โCorrect. But instincts are incredibly powerful.โ โTell me about it,โ said Rosie.
I began to explain. โInstinct is an expression ofโโ
โRhetorical question,โ said Rosie. โIโve lived it. My mother went gene shopping at her medical graduation party.โ
โ๎ese behaviors are unconscious. People donโt deliberatelyโโ โI get that.โ
I doubted it. Nonprofessionals frequently misinterpret the ๏ฌndings of evolutionary psychology. But the story was interesting.
โYouโre saying your mother engaged in unprotected sex outside her primary relationship?โ
โWith some other student,โ replied Rosie. โWhile she was dating myโโ at this point Rosie raised her hands and made a downward movement, twice, with the index and middle ๏ฌngers of both handsโโfather. My real dadโs a doctor. I just donโt know which one. Really, really pisses me o๏ฌ.โ
I was fascinated by the hand movements and silent for a while as I tried to work them out. Were they a sign of distress at not knowing who her father was? If so, it was not one I was familiar with. And why had she chosen to punctuate her speech at that point . . . of course! Punctuation!
โQuotation marks,โ I said aloud as the idea hit me. โWhat?โ
โYou made quotation marks around โfatherโ to draw attention to the fact that the word should not be interpreted in the usual way. Very clever.โ
โWell, there you go,โ she said. โAnd there I was thinking you were re๏ฌecting on my minor problem with my whole fucking life. And might
have something intelligent to say.โ
I corrected her. โItโs not a minor problem at all!โ I pointed my ๏ฌnger in the air to indicate an exclamation mark. โYou should insist on being informed.โ I stabbed the same ๏ฌnger to indicate a full stop.ย ๎is was quite fun.
โMy motherโs dead. She died in a car accident when I was ten. She never told anyone who my father wasโnot even Phil.โ
โPhil?โ I couldnโt think of how to indicate a question mark and decided to drop the game temporarily.ย ๎is was no time for experimentation.
โMyโโhands up, ๏ฌngers wiggledโโfather. Whoโd go apeshit if I told him I wanted to know.โ
Rosie drank the remaining wine in her glass and re๏ฌlled it.ย ๎e second half bottle was now empty. Her story was sad but not uncommon. Although my parents continued to make routine, ritual contact, it was my assessment that they had lost interest in me some years ago.ย ๎eir duty had been completed when I was able to support myself. Her situation was somewhat di๏ฌerent, however, as it involved a stepfather. I o๏ฌered a genetic interpretation.
โHis behavior is completely predictable. You donโt have his genes. Male lions kill the cubs from previous matings when they take over a pride.โ
โ๎anks for that information.โ
โI can recommend some further reading if you are interested. You seem quite intelligent for a barmaid.โ
โ๎e compliments just keep on coming.โ
It seemed I was doing well, and I allowed myself a moment of satisfaction, which I shared with Rosie.
โExcellent. Iโm not pro๏ฌcient at dating.ย ๎ere are so many rules to remember.โ
โYouโre doing okay,โ she said. โExcept for staring at my boobs.โ
๎is was disappointing feedback. Rosieโs dress was quite revealing, but I had been working hard to maintain eye contact.
โI was just examining your pendant,โ I said. โItโs extremely interesting.โ Rosie immediately covered it with her hand. โWhatโs on it?โ
โAn image of Isis with an inscription:ย Sum omnia quae fuerunt suntque eruntque ego. โI am all that has been, is, and will be.โโ I hoped I had read the Latin correctly; the writing was very small.
Rosie seemed impressed. โWhat about the pendant I had on this morning?โ
โDagger with three small red stones and four white ones.โ
Rosie ๏ฌnished her wine. She seemed to be thinking about something. It turned out not to be anything profound.
โWant to get another bottle?โ
I was a little stunned. We had already drunk the recommended maximum amount. On the other hand, she smoked, so obviously she had a careless attitude to health.
โYou want more alcohol?โ
โCorrect,โ she said, in an odd voice. She may have been mimicking me.
I went to the kitchen to select another bottle, deciding to reduce the next dayโs alcohol intake to compensate.ย ๎en I saw the clock: 11:40 p.m. I picked up the phone and ordered a taxi. With any luck it would arrive before the after-midnight tari๏ฌย commenced. I opened a half bottle of Shiraz to drink while we waited.
Rosie wanted to continue the conversation about her biological father. โDo you think there might be some sort of genetic motivation?ย ๎at itโs
built into us to want to know who our parents are?โ
โItโs critical for parents to be able to recognize their own children. So they can protect the carriers of their genes. Small children need to be able to locate their parents to get that protection.โ
โMaybe itโs some sort of carryover from that.โ
โIt seems unlikely. But possible. Our behavior is strongly a๏ฌected by instinct.โ
โSo you said. Whatever it is, it eats me up. Messes with my head.โ โWhy donโt you ask the candidates?โ
โโDear Doctor. Are you my father?โ I donโt think so.โ
An obvious thought occurred to me, obvious because I am a geneticist. โYour hair is a very unusual color. Possiblyโโ
She laughed. โ๎ere arenโt any genes for this shade of red.โ She must have seen that I was confused.
โ๎is color only comes out of a bottle.โ
I realized what she was saying. She had deliberately dyed her hair an unnaturally bright color. Incredible. It hadnโt even occurred to me to include hair dyeing on the questionnaire. I made a mental note to do so.
๎e doorbell buzzed. I had not mentioned the taxi to her, so brought her up-to-date with my plan. She quickly ๏ฌnished her wine, then stuck her hand out, and it seemed to me that I was not the only one feeling awkward.
โWell,โ she said, โitโs been an evening. Have a good life.โ
It was a nonstandard way of saying good night. I thought it safer to stick with convention.
โGood night. Iโve really enjoyed this evening.โ I added โGood luck ๏ฌnding your fatherโ to the formula.
โ๎anks.โ
๎en she left.
I was agitated, but not in a bad way. It was more a case of sensory overload. I was pleased to ๏ฌnd some wine left in the bottle. I poured it into my glass and phoned Gene. Claudia answered and I dispensed with pleasantries.
โI need to speak with Gene.โ
โHeโs not home,โ said Claudia. She sounded disoriented. Perhaps she had been drinking. โI thought he was having lobster with you.โ
โGene sent me the worldโs most incompatible woman. A barmaid. Late, vegetarian, disorganized, irrational, unhealthy, smokerโsmoker!โ psychological problems, canโt cook, mathematically incompetent, unnatural hair color. I presume he was making a joke.โ
Claudia must have interpreted this as a statement of distress because she said, โAre you all right, Don?โ
โOf course,โ I said. โShe was highly entertaining. But totally unsuitable for the Wife Project.โ As I said these words, indisputably factual, I felt a twinge of regret at odds with my intellectual assessment. Claudia interrupted my attempt to reconcile the con๏ฌicting brain states.
โDon, do you know what time it is?โ
I wasnโt wearing a watch. And then I realized my error. I had used the kitchen clock as my reference when phoning the taxi.ย ๎e clock that Rosie had reset. It must have been almost 2:30 a.m. How could I have lost track of time like that? It was a severe lesson in the dangers of messing with the schedule. Rosie would be paying the after-midnight tari๏ฌย on the taxi.
I let Claudia return to sleep. As I picked up the two plates and two glasses to bring them inside, I looked again at the nighttime view of the city
โthe view I had never seen before even though it had been there all the time.
I decided to skip my pre-bed aikido routine. And to leave the makeshift table in place.
