I stood inside the entrance of a suburban house that reminded me of my parentsโ brick-veneer residence in Shepparton. I had resolved never to attend another singles party, but the questionnaire allowed me to avoid the agony of unstructured social interaction with strangers.
As the female guests arrived, I gave each a questionnaire to complete at their convenience and return to me either at the party or by mail.ย ๎e host, a woman, initially invited me to join the crowd in the living room, but I explained my strategy and she left me alone. After two hours, a woman of about thirty-๏ฌve, estimated BMI twenty-one, returned from the living room, holding two glasses of sparkling wine. In her other hand was a questionnaire.
She passed me a glass. โI thought you might be thirsty,โ she said in an attractive French accent.
I was not thirsty, but I was pleased to be o๏ฌered alcohol. I had decided that I would not give up drinking unless I found a nondrinking partner. And, after some self-analysis, I had concluded thatย (c) moderatelyย was an acceptable answer to the drinking question and made a note to update the questionnaire.
โ๎ank you.โ I hoped she would give me the questionnaire and that it might, improbably, signal the end of my quest. She was extremely attractive, and her gesture with the wine indicated a high level of consideration not exhibited by any of the other guests or the host.
โYou are a researcher, am I right?โ She tapped the questionnaire. โCorrect.โ
โMe, also,โ she said. โ๎ere are not many academics here tonight.โ Although it is dangerous to draw conclusions based on manner and
conversation topics, my assessment of the guests was consistent with this observation.
โIโm Fabienne,โ she said, and extended her free hand, which I shook, careful to apply the recommended level of ๏ฌrmness. โ๎is is terrible wine, no?โ
I agreed. It was a carbonated sweet wine, acceptable only because of its alcohol content.
โYou think we should go to a wine bar and get something better?โ she asked.
I shook my head.ย ๎e poor wine quality was annoying but not critical.
Fabienne took a deep breath. โListen. I have drunk two glasses of wine, I have not had sex for six weeks, and I would rather wait six more than try anyone else here. Now, can I buy you a drink?โ
It was a very kind o๏ฌer. But it was still early in the evening. I said, โMore guests are expected. You may ๏ฌnd someone suitable if you wait.โ
Fabienne gave me her questionnaire and said, โI presume you will be notifying the winners in due course.โ I told her that I would. When she had gone, I quickly checked her questionnaire. Predictably, she failed in a number of dimensions. It was disappointing.
โข โข โข
My ๏ฌnal non-Internet option was speed dating, an approach I had not previously tried.
๎e venue was a function room in a hotel. At my insistence, the convenor disclosed theย actualย start time, and I waited in the bar to avoid aimless interaction until then. When I returned, I took the last remaining seat at a long table, opposite a person labeledย Frances, aged approximately ๏ฌfty, BMI approximately twenty-eight, not conventionally attractive.
๎e convenor rang a bell and my three minutes with Frances commenced.
I pulled out my questionnaire and scribbled her name on itโthere was no time for subtlety under these circumstances.
โIโve sequenced the questions for maximum speed of elimination,โ I explained. โI believe I can eliminate most women in less than forty seconds.
๎en you can choose the topic of discussion for the remaining time.โ โBut then it wonโt matter,โ said Frances. โIโll have been eliminated.โ
โOnly as a potential partner. We may still be able to have an interesting discussion.โ
โBut Iโll have been eliminated.โ I nodded. โDo you smoke?โ โOccasionally,โ she said.
I put the questionnaire away.
โExcellent.โ I was pleased that my question sequencing was working so well. We could have wasted time talking about ice-cream ๏ฌavors and makeup only to ๏ฌnd that she smoked. Needless to say, smoking was not negotiable. โNo more questions. What would you like to discuss?โ
Disappointingly, Frances was not interested in further conversation after I had determined that we were not compatible.ย ๎is turned out to be the pattern for the remainder of the event.
โข โข โข
๎ese personal interactions were, of course, secondary. I was relying on the Internet, and completed questionnaires began to ๏ฌow in shortly after my initial postings. I scheduled a review meeting in my o๏ฌce with Gene.
โHow many responses?โ he asked. โTwo hundred and seventy-nine.โ
He was clearly impressed. I did not tell him that the quality of responses varied widely, with many questionnaires only partially completed.
โNo photos?โ
Many women had included photos, but I had suppressed them in the database display to allow space for more important data.
โLetโs see the photos,โ Gene said.
I modi๏ฌed the settings to show photos, and Gene scanned a few before double-clicking on one.ย ๎e resolution was impressive. It seemed that he approved, but a quick check of the data showed that the candidate was totally unsuitable. I took the mouse back and deleted her. Gene protested.
โWha wha wha? Whatโre you doing?โ
โShe believes in astrology and homeopathy. And she calculated her BMI incorrectly.โ
โWhat was it?โ
โTwenty-three point ๏ฌve.โ โNice. Can you undelete her?โ โSheโs totally unsuitable.โ
โHow manyย areย suitable?โ asked Gene, ๏ฌnally getting to the point. โSo far, zero.ย ๎e questionnaire is an excellent ๏ฌlter.โ
โYou donโt think youโre setting the bar just a tiny bit high?โ
I pointed out that I was collecting data to support lifeโs most critical decision. Compromise would be totally inappropriate.
โYou always have to compromise,โ Gene said. An incredible statement and totally untrue in his case.
โYou found the perfect wife. Highly intelligent, extremely beautiful, and she lets you have sex with other women.โ
Gene suggested that I not congratulate Claudia in person for her tolerance, and asked me to repeat the number of questionnaires that had been completed.ย ๎e actual total was greater than the number I had told him, as I had not included the paper questionnaires.ย ๎ree hundred and four.
โGive me your list,โ said Gene. โIโll pick a few out for you.โ โNone of them meet the criteria.ย ๎ey all have some fault.โ โTreat it as practice.โ
He did have a point. I had thought a few times about Olivia the Indian Anthropologist and considered the implications of living with a Hindu vegetarian with a strong ice-cream preference. Only reminding myself that I should wait until an exact match turned up had stopped me from contacting her. I had even rechecked the questionnaire from Fabienne the Sex-Deprived Researcher.
I emailed the spreadsheet to Gene. โNo smokers.โ
โOkay,โ said Gene, โbut you have to ask them out. To dinner. At a proper restaurant.โ
Gene could probably tell that I was not excited by the prospect. He cleverly addressed the problem by proposing an even less acceptable alternative.
โ๎ereโs always the faculty ball.โ โRestaurant.โ
Gene smiled as if to compensate for my lack of enthusiasm. โItโs easy. โHow about we do dinner tonight?โ Say it after me.โ
โHow about we do dinner tonight?โ I repeated.
โSee, that wasnโt so hard. Make only positive comments about their appearance. Pay for the meal. Do not mention sex.โ Gene walked to the
door, then turned back. โWhat about the paper ones?โ
I gave him my questionnaires from Table for Eight, the singles party, and, at his insistence, even the partially completed ones from the speed dating. Now it was out of my hands.
