My focus on self-improvement meant that I had little time to consider and respond to the Deanโs threat of dismissal. I had decided not to take up Geneโs o๏ฌer to construct an alibi; now that the breach of rules was in my conscious mind, it would be a violation of my personal integrity to compound the error.
I succeeded in suppressing thoughts of my professional future but could not stop the Deanโs parting comment about Kevin Yu and my plagiarism complaint from intruding into my conscious mind. After much thought, I concluded that the Dean was not o๏ฌering me an unethical deal: โWithdraw the complaint and you can keep your job.โ What she said was bothering me because I had myself broken the rules in pursuing the Father Project. Gene had once told me a religious joke when I questioned the morality of his behavior.
Jesus addresses the angry mob who are stoning a prostitute: โLet him who is without sin cast the ๏ฌrst stone.โ A stone ๏ฌies through the air and hits the woman. Jesus turns around and says, โSometimes you really piss me o๏ฌ, Mother.โ
I could no longer be equated with the Virgin Mary. I had been corrupted. I was like everyone else. My stone-casting credibility had been signi๏ฌcantly compromised.
I summoned Kevin to a meeting in my o๏ฌce. He was from mainland China and aged approximately twenty-eight (estimated BMI nineteen). I interpreted his expression and demeanor as nervous.
I had his essay, partly or entirely written by his tutor, in my hand and showed it to him. I asked the obvious question: Why had he not written it himself?
He averted his gazeโwhich I interpreted as a cultural signal of respect rather than of shiftinessโbut instead of answering my question, he started to explain the consequences of his probable expulsion. He had a wife and child in China and had not yet told them of the problem. He hoped someday to emigrate or, if not, at least to work in genetics. His unwise behavior would mean the end of his dreams and those of his wife, who had managed for almost four years without him. He was crying.
In the past, I would have regarded this as sad but irrelevant. A rule had been broken. But now I was also a rule breaker. I had not broken the rules deliberately, or at least not with any conscious thought. Perhaps Kevinโs behavior had been similarly unconsidered.
I asked Kevin, โWhat are the principal arguments advanced against the use of genetically modi๏ฌed crops?โย ๎e essay had been on the ethical and legal issues raised by advances in genetics. Kevin gave a comprehensive summary. I followed with further questions, which Kevin also answered well. He seemed to have a good knowledge of the topic.
โWhy didnโt you write this yourself?โ I asked.
โI am a scientist. I am not con๏ฌdent writing in English about moral and cultural questions. I wanted to be sure not to fail. I did not think.โ
I did not know how to respond to Kevin. Acting without thinking was anathema to me, and I did not want to encourage it in future scientists. Nor did I want my own weakness to a๏ฌect a correct decision regarding Kevin. I would pay for my own error in this regard, as I deserved to. But losing my job would not have the same consequences for me as expulsion would for Kevin. I doubted he would be o๏ฌered a potentially lucrative partnership in a cocktail bar as an alternative.
I thought for quite a long time. Kevin just sat. He must have realized that I was considering some form of reprieve. But I was incredibly uncomfortable in this position of judgment as I weighed the impact of various decisions. Was this what the Dean had to do every day? For the ๏ฌrst time, I felt some respect for her.
I was not con๏ฌdent I could solve the problem in a short time. But I realized that it would be cruel to leave Kevin wondering if his life had been destroyed.
โI understand . . โ I started, and realized that this was not a phrase I was accustomed to using when talking about people. I stopped the sentence and
thought for a while longer. โI will create a supplementary taskโprobably an essay on personal ethics. As an alternative to expulsion.โ
I interpreted Kevinโs expression as ecstatic.
โข โข โข
I was conscious that there was more to social skills than knowing how to order co๏ฌee and being faithful to your partner. Since my school days, I had selected my clothes without regard to fashion. I started out not caring how I looked, then discovered that people found what I wore amusing. I enjoyed being seen as someone not tied to the norms of society. But now I had no idea how to dress.
I asked Claudia to buy me some suitable clothes. She had proved her expertise with the jeans and shirt, but she insisted on my accompanying her. โI may not be around forever,โ she said. After some re๏ฌection, I deduced that she was talking not about death but about something more immediate:
marriage failure! I had to ๏ฌnd a way to convince Gene of the danger.
๎e actual shopping took a full morning. We went to several shops, acquiring shoes, pants, a jacket, a second pair of jeans, more shirts, a belt, and even a tie.
I had more shopping to do, but I did not require Claudiaโs help. A photo was su๏ฌcient to specify my requirements. I visited the optometrist, the hairdresser (not my regular barber), and the menswear shop. Everyone was extremely helpful.
My schedule and social skills had now been brought into line with conventional practice, to the best of my ability within the time I had allocated.ย ๎e Don Project was complete. It was time to commence the Rosie Project.
โข โข โข
On the inside of the closet in my o๏ฌce there was a mirror which I had never needed before. Now I used it to review my appearance. I expected I would have only one chance to cut through Rosieโs negative view of me and produce an emotional reaction. I wanted her to fall in love with me.
Protocol dictated that I should not wear a hat indoors, but I decided that the PhD studentsโ area could be considered public. On that basis, it would be acceptable. I checked the mirror again. Rosie had been right. In my gray
three-piece suit, I could be mistaken for Gregory Peck inย To Kill a Mockingbird. Atticus Tillman. Worldโs sexiest man.
Rosie was at her desk. So was Stefan, looking unshaven as always. I had my speech prepared.
โGood afternoon, Stefan. Hi, Rosie. Rosie, Iโm afraid itโs short notice but I was wondering if youโd join me for dinner this evening.ย ๎ereโs something Iโd like to share with you.โ
Neither spoke. Rosie looked a little stunned. I looked at her directly. โ๎atโs a charming pendant,โ I said. โIโll pick you up at seven forty-๏ฌve.โ I was shaking as I walked away, but I had given it my best e๏ฌort. Hitch fromย Hitchย would have been pleased with me.
I had two more visits to make before my evening date with Rosie.
I walked straight past Helena. Gene was in his o๏ฌce looking at his computer. On the screen was a photo of an Asian woman who was not conventionally attractive. I recognized the format: she was a Wife Project applicant. Place of birthโNorth Korea.
Gene looked at me strangely. My Gregory Peck costume was doubtless unexpected but appropriate for my mission.
โHi, Gene.โ
โWhatโs with the โHiโ? What happened to โGreetingsโ?โ
I explained that I had eliminated a number of unconventional mannerisms from my vocabulary.
โSo Claudia tells me. You didnโt think your regular mentor was up to the job?โ
I wasnโt sure what he meant.
He explained. โMe. You didnโt ask me.โ
๎is was correct. Feedback from Rosie had prompted me to reassess Geneโs social competence, and my recent work with Claudia and the movie exemplars had con๏ฌrmed my suspicion that his skills applied to a limited domain and that he was not employing them in the best interests of himself and his family.
โNo,โ I told him. โI wanted advice on socially appropriate behavior.โ โWhatโs that supposed to mean?โ
โObviously, youโre similar to me.ย ๎atโs why youโre my best friend. Hence this invitation.โย ๎ere had been a great deal of preparation for this day. I gave Gene an envelope. He did not open it but continued the conversation.
โIโm like you? No o๏ฌense, Don, but your behaviorโyour old behavior
โwas in a class of its own. If you want my opinion, you hid behind a persona that you thought people found amusing. Itโs hardly surprising people saw you as a . . . bu๏ฌoon.โ
๎is was exactly my point. But Gene was not making the connection. As his buddy, it was my duty to behave as an adult male and give it to him straight.
I walked over to his map of the world, with a pin for every conquest. I checked it for what I hoped would be the last time.ย ๎en I stabbed it with my ๏ฌnger, to create an atmosphere of threat.
โExactly,โ I said. โYou think people see you as a Casanova. You know what? I donโt care what other people think of you, but if you want to know, they think youโre a jerk. And theyโre right, Gene. Youโre ๏ฌfty-six years old with a wife and two kids, though for how much longer I donโt know. Time you grew up. Iโm telling you that as a friend.โ
I watched Geneโs face. I was getting better at reading emotions, but this was a complex one. Shattered, I think.
I was relieved.ย ๎e basic male-male tough advice protocol had been e๏ฌective. It had not been necessary to slug him.
