๎e boss, a middle-aged man (estimated BMI twenty-seven), arrived with the additional supplies just in time for dessert and did some reorganization of the process behind the bar. Dessert was great fun, although it was hard to hear orders over the volume of conversation. I sold primarily the cream-based cocktails, which most of the diners were unfamiliar with but responded to enthusiastically.
As the food waiters cleared the dessert dishes, I made a rough mental calculation of our coverage. It depended a great deal on Rosie, but I believed we had samples from at least eighty-๏ฌve percent of the males. Good, but not optimum use of our opportunity. Having ascertained the names of the guests, I had determined that all but twelve of the Caucasian males from the graduation party were present.ย ๎e missing twelve included Alan McPhee, unable to attend owing to death, but already eliminated by means of his daughterโs hairbrush.
I headed for the bar, and Dr. Ralph Browning followed me. โCan I bother you for another Cadillac?ย ๎at was maybe the best drink Iโve ever had.โ
๎e bar sta๏ฌย were packing up, but the boss said to Rosie, โMake the man a Cadillac.โ
Jenny and Rod Broadhurst appeared from the dining room. โMake that three,โ said Rod.
๎e other bar personnel surrounded the owner, and there was a conversation.
โ๎ese guys have to go,โ said the boss to me, shrugging his shoulders. He turned to Rosie. โDouble time?โ
Meanwhile, the diners were forming a throng around the bar, raising their hands for attention.
Rosie handed a Cadillac to Dr. Browning, then turned to the boss. โSorry, I need at least two to stay. I canโt run a bar for a hundred people by myself.โ
โMe and him,โ said the boss, pointing to me.
Finally, I had a chance to use my expertise. Rosie lifted the hinged part of the bar and let me through.
Dr. Miranda Ball raised her hand. โSame again, please.โ
I called to Rosie, loudly, as the bar area was now very noisy. โMiranda Ball. Alabama slammer. One part each sloe gin, whisky, Galliano, triple sec, orange juice, orange slice, and a cherry.โ
โWeโre out of triple sec,โ yelled Rosie.
โSubstitute Cointreau. Reduce the quantity by twenty percent.โ
Dr. Lucas put his ๏ฌnished drink on the bar and raised his ๏ฌnger. One more.
โGerry Lucas. Empty glass,โ I called.
Rosie took the glass: I hoped she realized that we didnโt have a sample for him yet.
โAnother anal probe for Dr. Lucas.โ
โGot that,โ she called from the kitchen. Excellent, she had remembered to swab.
Dr. Martin van Krieger called out, loudly, โIs there a cocktail with Galliano and tequila?โ
๎e crowd quieted.ย ๎is sort of question had become common during dinner, and the guests had seemed impressed with my responses. I took a few moments to think.
Martin called out again, โDonโt worry if there isnโt.โ
โIโm reindexing my internal database,โ I said, to explain the delay. It took a few moments. โMexican gold or Freddy Fudpucker.โย ๎e crowd applauded.
โOne of each,โ he said.
Rosie knew how to make a Freddy Fudpucker. I gave the boss the Mexican gold recipe.
We continued in this mode, with great success. I decided to take advantage of the opportunity to test all male doctors present, including those I had previously ๏ฌltered out because of incompatible ethnic
appearance. At 1:22 a.m. I was con๏ฌdent that we had tested all but one person. It was time to be proactive.
โDr. Anwar Khan. Approach the bar, please.โ It was an expression I had heard used on television. I hoped it carried the required authority.
Dr. Khan had drunk only from his water glass and had carried it with him to the bar.
โYou havenโt ordered a drink all night,โ I said. โIs that a problem? I donโt drink alcohol.โ
โVery wise,โ I said, although I was providing a bad example, with a beer open beside me. โI recommend a virgin colada. Virgin Mary. Virginโโ
At this moment, Dr. Eva Gold put her arm around Dr. Khan. She was obviously a๏ฌected by alcohol. โLoosen up, Anwar.โ
Dr. Khan looked back at her, and then at the crowd, who were, in my assessment, also exhibiting the e๏ฌects of intoxication.
โWhat the hell,โ he said. โLine up the virgins.โ He put his empty glass on the bar.
โข โข โข
I did not leave the golf club until very late.ย ๎e last guests departed at 2:32 a.m., two hours and two minutes after the scheduled completion time. Rosie, the boss, and I had made 143 cocktails. Rosie and the boss had also sold some beer, which I did not keep track of.
โYou guys can go,โ said the boss. โWeโll clean up in the morning.โ He extended his hand to me and I shook it according to custom, although it seemed very late for introductions. โAmghad,โ he said. โNice work, guys.โ
He didnโt shake Rosieโs hand but looked at her and smiled. I noticed that she was looking a little tired. I was still full of energy.
โGot time for a drink?โ said Amghad. โExcellent idea.โ
โYouโve got to be kidding,โ said Rosie. โIโm going. All the stu๏ฌโs in your bag. You donโt want a lift, Don?โ
I had my cycle and had only drunk three beers over the course of a long evening. I estimated that my blood alcohol would be well below the legal limit, even after a drink with Amghad. Rosie departed.
โWhatโs your poison?โ said Amghad. โPoison?โ
โWhat do you want to drink?โ
Of course. But why, why, why canโt people just say what they mean? โBeer, please.โ
Amghad opened two pale ales and we clicked bottles. โHow long have you been doing this?โ he asked.
๎ough some deception had been necessary for the purposes of the Father Project, I was not comfortable with it.
โ๎is is my ๏ฌrst work in the ๏ฌeld,โ I said. โDid I make some error?โ Amghad laughed. โFunny guy. Listen,โ he said. โ๎is place here is okay,
but itโs mostly steak and beer and midrange wine. Tonight was a one-o๏ฌ, and mainly because of you.โ He drank some beer and looked at me without speaking for a while. โIโve been thinking of opening in North Melbourneโ a little cocktail bar with a bit of ๏ฌair. New York feel, but something a bit extra behind the bar, if you know what I mean. If youโre interestedโโ
He was o๏ฌering me a job!ย ๎is was ๏ฌattering, considering my limited experience, and my immediate irrational thought was that I wished Rosie had been present to witness it.
โI already have a job.ย ๎ank you.โ
โIโm not talking about a job. Iโm talking about a share in a business.โ โNo, thank you,โ I said. โIโm sorry. But I think you would ๏ฌnd me
unsatisfactory.โ
โMaybe, but Iโm a pretty good judge. Give me a call if you change your mind. Iโm in no hurry.โ
โข โข โข
๎e following day was Sunday.
Rosie and I arranged to meet at the lab at 3:00 p.m. She was predictably late, and I was already at work. I con๏ฌrmed that we had obtained samples from all attendees at the reunion, meaning we had now tested all but eleven of the Caucasian males in the class.
Rosie arrived in tight blue jeans and a white shirt and headed for the refrigerator. โNo beer until all samples are tested,โ I said.
๎e work took some time, and I needed to source additional chemicals from the main laboratory.
At 7:06 p.m. Rosie went out for pizza, an unhealthy choice, but I had missed dinner the previous night and calculated that my body would be able to process the extra kilojoules. When she returned, I was testing the
fourth-to-last candidate. As we were opening the pizza, my mobile phone rang. I realized immediately who it was.
โYou didnโt answer at home,โ said my mother. โI was worried.โย ๎is was a reasonable reaction on her part, as her Sunday phone call is part of my weekly schedule. โWhere are you?โ
โAt work.โ
โAre you all right?โ โIโm ๏ฌne.โ
It was embarrassing to have Rosie listen to a personal conversation, and I did everything I could to terminate it quickly, keeping my responses as brief as possible. Rosie started laughingโfortunately not loudly enough for my mother to hearโand making funny faces.
โYour mother?โ she said, when I was ๏ฌnally able to hang up. โCorrect. How did you guess?โ
โYou sound like any sixteen-year-old boy talking to his mum in front of
โโ She stopped. My annoyance must have been obvious. โOr me talking to Phil.โ
It was interesting that Rosie also found conversation with a parent di๏ฌcult. My mother is a good person but very focused on sharing personal information. Rosie picked up a slice of pizza and looked at the computer screen.
โIโm guessing no news.โ
โPlenty of news. Five more eliminated, only four to go. Including this one.โย ๎e result had come up while I was on the phone. โDelete Anwar Khan.โ
Rosie updated the spreadsheet. โAllah be praised.โ
โWorldโs most complicated drink order,โ I reminded her. Dr. Khan had ordered ๏ฌve di๏ฌerent drinks, compensating for his abstinence earlier in the evening. At the end of the night, he had left with his arm around Dr. Gold.
โYeah, and I messed it up too. Put rum in the virgin colada.โ
โYou gave him alcohol?โ I presumed this was in violation of his personal or religious standards.
โMaybe heโll miss out on his seventy-two virgins.โ
I was familiar with this religious theory. My public position, as negotiated with the Dean, is that I regard all nonscience-based beliefs as having equal merit. But I found this one curious.
โSeems irrational,โ I said, โwanting virgins. Surely a woman with sexual experience would be preferable to a novice.โ
Rosie laughed and opened two beers.ย ๎en she stared at me, in the way that I am not supposed to do to others. โAmazing. You. Youโre the most amazing person Iโve ever met. I donโt know why youโre doing this, but thanks.โ She tapped her bottle against mine and drank.
It was enjoyable to be appreciated, but this was exactly what I had been worried about when I spoke to Claudia. Now Rosie was asking about my motives. She had applied for the Wife Project and presumably had expectations on that basis. It was time to be honest.
โPresumably you think itโs in order to initiate a romantic relationship.โ โ๎e thought had crossed my mind,โ said Rosie.
Assumption con๏ฌrmed.
โIโm extremely sorry if Iโve created an incorrect impression.โ โWhat do you mean?โ said Rosie.
โIโm not interested in you as a partner. I should have told you earlier, but youโre totally unsuitable.โ I tried to gauge Rosieโs reaction, but the interpretation of facial expressions is not one of my strengths.
โWell, youโll be pleased to know I can cope. I think youโre pretty unsuitable too,โ she said.
๎is was a relief. I hadnโt hurt her feelings. But it did leave a question unanswered.
โ๎en why did you apply for the Wife Project?โ I was using the wordย applyย loosely, as Gene had not required Rosie to complete the questionnaire. But her answer suggested a more serious level of miscommunication.
โWife Project?โย she said, as if she had never heard of it.
โGene sent you to me as a candidate for the Wife Project. A wild card.โ โHe did what?โ
โYou havenโt heard of the Wife Project?โ I asked, trying to establish the correct starting point.
โNo,โ she said, speaking in the tone that is traditionally used for giving instructions to a child. โI have never heard of the Wife Project. But Iโm about to. In detail.โ
โOf course,โ I said. โBut we should time-share it with pizza consumption and beer drinking.โ
โOf course,โ said Rosie.
I explained in some detail about the Wife Project, including the review with Gene and ๏ฌeld visits to dating establishments. I ๏ฌnished as we consumed the ๏ฌnal slices of pizza. Rosie had not really asked any questions except to make exclamations such as โJesusโ and โFuck.โ
โSo,โ said Rosie, โare you still doing it?ย ๎e Wife Project?โ
I explained that the project was still technically active, but in the absence of any quali๏ฌed candidates there had been no progress.
โWhat a shame,โ said Rosie. โ๎e perfect woman hasnโt checked in yet.โ โI would assume that there is more than one candidate who meets the
criteria,โ I said, โbut itโs like ๏ฌnding a bone-marrow donor. Not enough registrations.โ
โI can only hope that enough women realize their civic duty and take the test.โ
It was an interesting comment. I didnโt really feel it was a duty. In the last few weeks, re๏ฌecting on the Wife Project and its lack of success, I had felt sad that there were so many women who were looking for partners and desperate enough to register, even though there was only a low probability that they would meet the criteria.
โItโs entirely optional,โ I said.
โHow nice for them. Hereโs a thought for you. Any woman who takes that test is willing to be treated as an object. You can say thatโs their choice. But if you spent two minutes looking at how much society forces women to think of themselves as objects, you might not think so. What I want to know is, do you want a woman who thinks like that? Is that the sort of wife you want?โ Rosie was sounding angry. โYou know why I dress the way I do? Why these glasses? Because Iย donโtย want to be treated as an object. If you knew how insulted I am that you think I was an applicant, aย candidateโโ
โ๎en why did you come to see me that day?โ I asked. โ๎e day of the Jacket Incident?โ
She shook her head. โRemember at your apartment, on your balcony, I asked you a question about the size of testicles?โ
I nodded.
โIt didnโt strike you as odd that here I was, on a ๏ฌrst date, asking about testicles?โ
โNot really. On a date Iโm too focused on not saying odd things myself.โ โOkay, strike that.โ She seemed a little calmer. โ๎e reason I asked the question was that I had a bet with Gene. Gene, who is a sexist pig, bet me
that humans were naturally nonmonogamous, and that the evidence was the size of their testicles. He sent me to a genetics expert to settle the bet.โ
It took me a few moments to process fully the implications of what Rosie was saying. Gene had not prepared her for the dinner invitation. A womanโRosieโhad accepted an o๏ฌer of a date with me without being prewarned, set up. I was su๏ฌused with an irrationally disproportionate sense of satisfaction. But Gene had misled me. And it seemed he had taken advantage of Rosie ๏ฌnancially.
โDid you lose much money?โ I asked. โIt seems exploitative for a professor of psychology to make a bet with a barmaid.โ
โIโm not a fucking barmaid.โ
I could tell by the use of the obscenity that Rosie was getting angry again. But she could hardly contradict the evidence. I realized my errorโ one that would have caused trouble if I had made it in front of a class.
โBarperson.โ
โBartenderย is the established nonsexist term,โ she said. โ๎atโs not the point. Itโs my part-time job. Iโm doing my PhD in psychology, okay? In Geneโs department. Does that make sense now?โ
Of course! I suddenly remembered where I had seen her beforeโarguing with Gene after his public lecture. I recalled that Gene had asked her to have co๏ฌee with himโas he habitually did with attractive womenโbut that she had refused. For some reason I felt pleased about this. But if I had recognized her when she ๏ฌrst came to my o๏ฌce, the whole misunderstanding could have been avoided. Everything now made sense, including the performance she had given in her medical school inquiry. Except for two things.
โWhy didnโt you tell me?โ
โBecause Iย amย a barmaid, and Iโm not ashamed of it. You can take me or leave me as a barmaid.โ I assumed she was speaking metaphorically.
โExcellent,โ I said. โ๎at explains almost everything.โ
โOh, thatโs ๏ฌne, then. Why the โalmostโ? Donโt feel you have to leave anything hanging.โ
โWhy Gene didnโt tell me.โ โBecause heโs an asshole.โ โGene is my best friend.โ โGod help you,โ she said.
With matters clari๏ฌed, it was time to ๏ฌnish the project, although our chances of ๏ฌnding the father tonight were looking poor. Fourteen candidates remained and we had only three samples left. I got up and walked to the machine.
โListen,โ said Rosie. โIโm going to ask you again. Why are you doing this?โ
I remembered my re๏ฌection on this question and the answer I had reached involving scienti๏ฌc challenge and altruism to adjacent humans. But as I began my explanation, I realized that it was not true. Tonight we had corrected numerous invalid assumptions and errors in communication. I should not create a new one.
โI donโt know,โ I said.
I turned back to the machine and began to load the sample. My work was interrupted by a sudden smashing of glass. Rosie had thrown a beaker, fortunately not one containing an untested sample, against the wall.
โI am soย soย over this.โ She walked out.
โข โข โข
๎e next morning there was a knock at my o๏ฌce door. Rosie. โEnter,โ I said. โI assume you want to know the ๏ฌnal three results.โ
Rosie walked unnaturally slowly to my desk, where I was reviewing some potentially life-changing data. โNo,โ she said. โI ๏ฌgured they were negative. Even you would have phoned if youโd gotten a match.โ
โCorrect.โ
She stood and looked at me without saying anything. I am aware that such silences are provided as opportunities for me to speak further, but I could think of nothing useful to say. Finally, she ๏ฌlled the gap.
โHeyโsorry I blew up last night.โ
โTotally understandable. Itโs incredibly frustrating to work so hard for no result. But very common in science.โ I remembered that she was a science graduate, as well as a barmaid. โAs you know.โ
โI meant your Wife Project. I think itโs wrong, but youโre no di๏ฌerent from every other man I know in objectifying womenโjust more honest about it. Anyway, youโve done so much for meโโ
โA communication error. Fortunately now recti๏ฌed. We can proceed with the Father Project without the personal aspect.โ
โNot till I understand why youโre doing it.โ
๎at di๏ฌcult question again. But she had been happy to proceed when she thought that my motivation was romantic interest even though she did not reciprocate that interest.
โ๎ere has been no change in my motivation,โ I said, truthfully. โIt was your motivation that was a concern. I thought you were interested in me as a partner. Fortunately, that assumption was based on false information.โ
โShouldnโt you be spending the time on your objecti๏ฌcation project?โ
๎e question was perfectly timed.ย ๎e data I was looking at on my screen indicated a major breakthrough.
โGood news. I have an applicant who satis๏ฌes all requirements.โ โWell,โ said Rosie, โyou wonโt be needing me.โ
๎is was a truly strange response. I hadnโt needed Rosie for anything other than her own project.
