Besides Eamonn Hughes, Rosie knew of only two other โfamily friendsโ from her motherโs medical graduation class. It struck me as unlikely that someone who had illicit sex with her mother would remain in contact, given the presence of Phil. But there was an evolutionary argument that he would wish to ensure that the carrier of his genes was receiving proper care. Essentially this was Rosieโs argument also.
๎e ๏ฌrst candidate was Dr. Peter Enticott, who lived locally.ย ๎e other, Alan McPhee, had died from prostate cancer, which was good news for Rosie, as, lacking a prostate gland, she could not inherit it. Apparently he had been an oncologist but had not detected the cancer in himself, a not-uncommon scenario. Humans often fail to see what is close to them and obvious to others.
Fortunately, he had a daughter, with whom Rosie had socialized when she was younger. Rosie arranged a meeting with Natalie in three daysโ time, ostensibly to view Natalieโs newborn baby.
I reverted to the normal schedule, but the Father Project kept intruding into my thoughts. I prepared for the DNA collection; I did not want a repeat of the broken cup problem. I also had another altercation with the Dean, as a result of the Flounder Incident.
One of my tasks is to teach genetics to medical students. In the ๏ฌrst class of the previous semester, a student, who did not identify himself, had raised his hand shortly after I showed my ๏ฌrst slide.ย ๎e slide is a brilliant and beautiful diagrammatic summary of evolution from single-cell organisms to todayโs incredible variety of life. Only my colleagues in the Physics Department can match the extraordinary story that it tells. I cannot
comprehend why some people are more interested in the outcome of a football match or the weight of an actress.
๎is student belonged to another category. โProfessor Tillman, you used the word โevolved.โโ โCorrect.โ
โI think you should point out that evolution is just a theory.โ
๎is was not the ๏ฌrst time I had received a questionโor statementโof this kind. I knew from experience that I would not sway the studentโs views, which would inevitably be based on religious dogma. I could only ensure that the student was not taken seriously by other trainee doctors.
โCorrect,โ I replied, โbut your use of the word โjustโ is misleading. Evolution is a theory supported by overwhelming evidence. Like the germ theory of disease, for example. As a doctor, you will be expected to rely on science. Unless you want to be a faith healer. In which case you are in the wrong course.โ
๎ere was some laughter. Faith Healer objected.
โIโm not talking about faith. Iโm talking about creationย science.โ
๎ere were only a few moans from the class. No doubt many of the students were from cultures where criticism of religion is not well tolerated. Such as ours. I had been forbidden to comment on religion after an earlier incident. But we were discussing science. I could have continued the argument, but I knew better than to be sidetracked by a student. My lectures are precisely timed to ๏ฌt within ๏ฌfty minutes.
โEvolution is a theory,โ I said. โ๎ere is no other theory of the origins of life with wide acceptance by scientists or of any utility to medicine. Hence we will assume it in this class.โ I believed I had handled the situation well, but I was annoyed that time had been insu๏ฌcient to argue the case against the pseudoscience of creationism.
Some weeks later, eating in the University Club, I found a means of making the point succinctly. As I walked to the bar, I noticed one of the members eating a ๏ฌounder, with its head still in place. After a slightly awkward conversation, I obtained the head and skeleton, which I wrapped and stored in my backpack.
Four days later, I had the class. I located Faith Healer and asked him a preliminary question. โDo you believe that ๏ฌsh were created in their current forms by an intelligent designer?โ
He seemed surprised at the question, perhaps because it had been seven weeks since we had suspended the discussion. But he nodded in agreement.
I unwrapped the ๏ฌounder. It had acquired a strong smell, but medical students should be prepared to deal with unpleasant organic objects in the interests of learning. I indicated the head: โObserve that the eyes are not symmetrical.โ In fact the eyes had decomposed, but the location of the eye sockets was quite clear. โ๎is is because the ๏ฌounder evolved from a conventional ๏ฌsh with eyes on opposite sides of the head. One eye slowly migrated around, but just far enough to function e๏ฌectively. Evolution did not bother to tidy up. But surely an intelligent designer would not have created a ๏ฌsh with this imperfection.โ I gave Faith Healer the ๏ฌsh to enable him to examine it and continued the lecture.
He waited until the beginning of the new teaching year to lodge his complaint.
In my discussion with the Dean, she implied that I had tried to humiliate Faith Healer, whereas my intent had been to advance an argument. Since he had used the term โcreationย science,โ with no mention of religion, I made the case that I was not guilty of denigrating religion. I was merely contrasting one theory with another. He was welcome to bring counterexamples to class.
โDon,โ she said, โas usual you havenโt technically broken any rules. But
โhow can I put it?โif someone told me that a lecturer had brought a dead ๏ฌsh to class and given it to a student who had made a statement of religious faith, I would guess that the lecturer was you. Do you understand where Iโm coming from?โ
โYouโre saying that I am the person in the faculty most likely to act unconventionally. And you want me to act more conventionally.ย ๎at seems an unreasonable request to make of a scientist.โ
โI just donโt want you to upset people.โ
โBeing upset and complaining because your theory is disproven is unscienti๏ฌc.โ
๎e argument ended, once again, with the Deanโs being unhappy with me, though I had not broken any rules, and my being reminded that I needed to try harder to โ๏ฌt in.โ As I left her o๏ฌce, her personal assistant, Regina, stopped me.
โI donโt think I have you down for the faculty ball yet, Professor Tillman. I think youโre the only professor who hasnโt bought tickets.โ
Riding home, I was aware of a tightness in my chest and realized it was a physical response to the Deanโs advice. I knew that if I could not โ๏ฌt inโ in a science department of a university, I could not ๏ฌt in anywhere.
โข โข โข
Natalie McPhee, daughter of the late Dr. Alan McPhee, potential biological father of Rosie, lived eighteen kilometers from the city, within riding distance, but Rosie decided we should travel by car. I was amazed to ๏ฌnd that she drove a red Porsche convertible.
โItโs Philโs.โ
โYour โfatherโsโ?โ I did the air quotes. โYeah, heโs inย ๎ailand.โ
โI thought he didnโt like you. But he lent you his car?โ โ๎atโs the sort of thing he does. No love, just stu๏ฌ.โ
๎e Porsche would be the perfect vehicle to lend to someone you did not like. It was seventeen years old (thus using old emissions technology), had appalling fuel economy, little leg room, high wind noise, and a nonfunctioning air-conditioning system. Rosie con๏ฌrmed my guess that it was unreliable and expensive to maintain.
As we arrived at Natalieโs, I realized I had spent the entire journey listing and elaborating on the de๏ฌciencies of the vehicle. I had avoided small talk but had not briefed Rosie on the DNA collection method.
โYour task is to occupy her in conversation while I collect DNA.โย ๎is would make best use of our respective skills.
It soon became clear that my backup plan would be necessary. Natalie did not want to drink: she was abstaining from alcohol while breast-feeding her baby, and it was too late for co๏ฌee.ย ๎ese were responsible choices, but we would not be able to swab a cup or glass.
I deployed Plan B. โCan I see the baby?โ
โHeโs asleep,โ she said, โso youโll have to be quiet.โ I stood up and so did she.
โJust tell me where to go,โ I said. โIโll come with you.โ
๎e more I insisted that I wanted to see the baby alone, the more she objected. We went to its room, and as she had predicted, it was sleeping.
๎is was very annoying, as I had a number of plans that involved collecting
DNA in a totally noninvasive way from the baby, who was, of course, also related to Alan McPhee. Unfortunately I had not factored in the motherโs protective instinct. Every time I found a reason to leave the room, Natalie followed me. It was very awkward.
Finally, Rosie excused herself to go to the bathroom. Even if she had known what to do, she could not have visited the baby, as Natalie had positioned herself so that she could see the bedroom door and was checking frequently.
โHave you heard about the Genographic Project?โ I asked. She hadnโt and was not interested. She changed the topic. โYou seem very interested in babies.โ
๎ere was surely an opportunity here if I could ๏ฌnd a way to exploit it. โIโm interested in their behavior. Without the corrupting in๏ฌuence of a parent present.โ
She looked at me strangely. โDo you do any stu๏ฌย with kids? I mean Scouts, church groups . . .โ
โNo,โ I said. โItโs unlikely that Iโd be suitable.โ Rosie returned and the baby started crying. โFeeding time,โ said Natalie.
โWe should be going,โ said Rosie.
Failure! Social skills had been the problem. With good social skills I could surely have gotten to the baby.
โIโm sorry,โ I said, as we walked to Philโs ridiculous vehicle.
โDonโt be.โ Rosie reached into her handbag and pulled out a wad of hair. โI cleaned her hairbrush for her.โ
โWe need roots,โ I said. But there was a lot of hair, so it was likely we would ๏ฌnd a strand with its root attached.
She reached into her bag again and retrieved a toothbrush. It took me a few moments to realize what this meant.
โYou stole her toothbrush!โ
โ๎ere was a spare in the cupboard. It was time for a new one.โ
I was shocked at the theft, but we would now almost certainly have a usable sample of DNA. It was di๏ฌcult not to be impressed by Rosieโs resourcefulness. And if Natalie was not replacing her toothbrush at regular intervals, Rosie had done her a favor.
Rosie did not want to analyze the hair or toothbrush immediately. She wanted to collect DNA from the ๏ฌnal candidate and test the two samples
together.ย ๎is struck me as illogical. If Natalieโs sample was a match, we would not need to collect further DNA. However, Rosie did not seem to grasp the concept of sequencing tasks to minimize cost and risk.
After the problem with the baby access, we decided to collaborate on the most appropriate approach for Dr. Peter Enticott.
โIโll tell him Iโm thinking about studying medicine,โ she said. Dr.
Enticott was now on the medical faculty at Deakin University.
She would arrange to meet him over co๏ฌee, which would provide an opportunity to use the co๏ฌee-cup swab procedure that currently had a one hundred percent failure rate. I thought it unlikely that a barmaid could convince a professor that she had the credentials to study medicine. Rosie seemed insulted by this and argued that it did not matter in any case. We only had to persuade him to have a drink with us.
A bigger problem was how to present me, as Rosie did not think she could do the job alone. โYouโre my boyfriend,โ she said. โYouโll be ๏ฌnancing my studies, so youโre a stakeholder.โ She looked at me hard. โYou donโt need to overplay it.โ
โข โข โข
On a Wednesday afternoon, with Gene covering a lecture for me in return for the Aspergerโs night, we traveled in Philโs toy car to Deakin University. I had been there many times before for guest lectures and collaborative research. I even knew some researchers in the Medical Faculty, though not Peter Enticott.
We met him at an outdoor cafรฉ crowded with medical students back early from the summer break. Rosie was amazing! She spoke intelligently about medicine and even psychiatry, in which she said she hoped to specialize. She claimed to have an honors degree in behavioral science and postgraduate research experience.
Peter seemed obsessed with the resemblance between Rosie and her mother, which was irrelevant for our purposes.ย ๎ree times he interrupted Rosie to remind her of their physical similarity, and I wondered if this might indicate some particular bond between him and Rosieโs motherโand hence be a predictor of paternity. I looked, as I had done in Eamonn Hughesโs living room, for any physical similarities between Rosie and her potential father but could see nothing obvious.
โ๎at all sounds very positive, Rosie,โ said Peter. โI donโt have anything to do with the selection processโat least o๏ฌcially.โ His wording appeared to imply the possibility of uno๏ฌcial, and hence unethical, assistance. Was this a sign of nepotism and thus a clue that he was Rosieโs father?
โYour academic background is ๏ฌne, but youโll have to do the GAMSAT.โ Peter turned to me. โ๎e standard admission test for the MD program.โ
โI did it last year,โ said Rosie. โI got seventy-four.โ
Peter looked hugely impressed. โYou can walk into Harvard with that score. But we take other factors into account here, so if you do decide to apply, make sure you let me know.โ
I hoped he never went for a drink at the Marquess of Queensbury.
A waiter brought the bill. As he went to take Peterโs cup, I automatically put my hand on it to stop him.ย ๎e waiter looked at me extremely unpleasantly and snatched it away. I watched as he took it to a cart and added it to a tray of crockery.
Peter looked at his phone. โI have to go,โ he said. โBut now that youโve made contact, stay in touch.โ
As Peter left, I could see the waiter looking toward the cart. โYou need to distract him,โ I said.
โJust get the cup,โ said Rosie.
I walked toward the cart.ย ๎e waiter was watching me, but just as I reached the tray, he snapped his head in Rosieโs direction and began walking quickly toward her. I grabbed the cup.
We met at the car, which was parked some distance away.ย ๎e walk gave me time to process the fact that I had, under pressure to achieve a goal, been guilty of theft. Should I send a check to the cafรฉ? What was a cup worth? Cups were broken all the time, but by random events. If everyone stole cups, the cafรฉ would probably become ๏ฌnancially nonviable.
โDid you get the cup?โ I held it up.
โIs it the right one?โ she said.
I am not good at nonverbal communication, but I believe I managed to convey the fact that while I might be a petty thief, I do not make errors of observation.
โDid you pay the bill?โ I asked. โ๎atโs how I distracted him.โ โBy paying the bill?โ
โNo, you pay at the counter. I just took o๏ฌ.โ โWe have to go back.โ
โFuck โem,โ said Rosie, as we climbed into the Porsche and sped o๏ฌ. What was happening to me?
