I may have found a solution to the Wife Problem. As with so many scienti๏ฌc breakthroughs, the answer was obvious in retrospect. But had it not been for a series of unscheduled events, it is unlikely I would have discovered it.
๎e sequence was initiated by Geneโs insisting I give a lecture on Aspergerโs syndrome that he had previously agreed to deliver himself. ๎e timing was extremely annoying. ๎e preparation could be time-shared with lunch consumption, but on the designated evening I had scheduled ninety-four minutes to clean my bathroom. I was faced with a choice of three options, none of them satisfactory.
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Cleaning the bathroom after the lecture, resulting in loss of sleep with a consequent reduction in mental and physical performance.
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Rescheduling the cleaning until the following Tuesday, resulting in an eight-day period of compromised bathroom hygiene and consequent risk of disease.
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Refusing to deliver the lecture, resulting in damage to my friendship with Gene.
I presented the dilemma to Gene, who, as usual, had an alternative solution. โDon, Iโll pay for someone to clean your bathroom.โ
I explained to Geneโagainโthat all cleaners, with the possible exception of the Hungarian woman with the short skirt, made errors. Short-Skirt Woman, who had been Geneโs cleaner, had disappeared following some problem with Gene and Claudia.
โIโll give you Evaโs mobile number. Just donโt mention me.โ
โWhat if she asks? How can I answer without mentioning you?โ
โJust say youโre contacting her because sheโs the only cleaner who does it properly. And if she mentions me, say nothing.โ
๎is was an excellent outcome, and an illustration of Geneโs ability to ๏ฌnd solutions to social problems. Eva would enjoy having her competence recognized and might even be suitable for a permanent role, which would free up an average of 316 minutes per week in my schedule.
Geneโs lecture problem had arisen because he had an opportunity to have sex with a Chilean academic who was visiting Melbourne for a conference. Gene has a project to have sex with women of as many di๏ฌerent nationalities as possible. As a professor of psychology, he is extremely interested in human sexual attraction, which he believes is largely genetically determined.
๎is belief is consistent with Geneโs background as a geneticist. Sixty-eight days after Gene hired me as a postdoctoral researcher, he was promoted to head of the Psychology Department, a highly controversial appointment that was intended to establish the university as the Australian leader in evolutionary psychology and increase its public pro๏ฌle.
During the time we worked concurrently in the Genetics Department, we had numerous interesting discussions, and these continued after his change of position. I would have been satis๏ฌed with our relationship for this reason alone, but Gene also invited me to dinner at his house and performed other friendship rituals, resulting in a social relationship. His wife, Claudia, who is a clinical psychologist, is now also a friend. Making a total of two.
Gene and Claudia tried for a while to assist me with the Wife Problem. Unfortunately, their approach was based on the traditional dating paradigm, which I had previously abandoned on the basis that the probability of success did not justify the e๏ฌort and negative experiences. I am thirty-nine years old, tall, ๏ฌt, and intelligent, with a relatively high status and above-average income as an associate professor. Logically, I should be attractive to a wide range of women. In the animal kingdom, I would succeed in reproducing.
However, there is something about me that women ๏ฌnd unappealing. I have never found it easy to make friends, and it seems that the de๏ฌciencies that caused this problem have also a๏ฌected my attempts at romantic relationships. ๎e Apricot Ice Cream Disaster is a good example.
Claudia had introduced me to one of her many friends. Elizabeth was a highly intelligent computer scientist, with a vision problem that had been corrected with glasses. I mention the glasses because Claudia showed me a photograph and asked me if I was okay with them. An incredible question! From a psychologist! In evaluating Elizabethโs suitability as a potential partnerโsomeone to provide intellectual stimulation, to share activities with, perhaps even to breed withโClaudiaโs ๏ฌrst concern was my reaction to her choice of glasses frames, which was probably not even her own but the result of advice from an optometrist. ๎is is the world I have to live in.
๎en Claudia told me, as though it was a problem, โShe has very ๏ฌrm ideas.โ
โAre they evidence-based?โ โI guess so,โ Claudia said.
Perfect. She could have been describing me.
We met at a ๎ai restaurant. Restaurants are mine๏ฌelds for the socially inept, and I was nervous as always in these situations. But we got o๏ฌ to an excellent start when we both arrived at exactly 7:00 p.m. as arranged. Poor synchronization is a huge waste of time.
We survived the meal without her criticizing me for any social errors. It is di๏ฌcult to conduct a conversation while wondering whether you are looking at the correct body part, but I locked on to her bespectacled eyes, as recommended by Gene. ๎is resulted in some inaccuracy in the eating process, which she did not seem to notice. On the contrary, we had a highly productive discussion about simulation algorithms. She was so interesting! I could already see the possibility of a permanent relationship.
๎e waiter brought the dessert menus and Elizabeth said, โI donโt like Asian desserts.โ
๎is was almost certainly an unsound generalization, based on limited experience, and perhaps I should have recognized it as a warning sign. But it provided me with an opportunity for a creative suggestion.
โWe could get an ice cream across the road.โ โGreat idea. As long as theyโve got apricot.โ
I assessed that I was progressing well at this point and did not think the apricot preference would be a problem. I was wrong. ๎e ice-cream parlor had a vast selection of ๏ฌavors, but they had exhausted their supply of apricot. I ordered a chocolate chili and licorice double cone for myself and asked Elizabeth to nominate her second preference.
โIf they havenโt got apricot, Iโll pass.โ
I couldnโt believe it. All ice cream tastes essentially the same, owing to chilling of the taste buds. ๎is is especially true of fruit ๏ฌavors. I suggested mango.
โNo thanks, Iโm ๏ฌne.โ
I explained the physiology of taste bud chilling in some detail. I predicted that if I purchased a mango and a peach ice cream, she would be incapable of di๏ฌerentiating. And, by extension, either would be equivalent to apricot.
โ๎eyโre completely di๏ฌerent,โ she said. โIf you canโt tell mango from peach, thatโs your problem.โ
Now we had a simple objective disagreement that could readily be resolved experimentally. I ordered a minimum-size ice cream in each of the two ๏ฌavors. But by the time the serving person had prepared them, and I turned to ask Elizabeth to close her eyes for the experiment, she had gone. So much for โevidence-based.โ And for computer โscientist.โ
Afterward, Claudia advised me that I should have abandoned the experiment prior to Elizabethโs leaving. Obviously. But at what point? Where was the signal? ๎ese are the subtleties I fail to see. But I also fail to see why heightened sensitivity to obscure cues about ice-cream ๏ฌavors should be a prerequisite for being someoneโs partner. It seems reasonable to assume that some women do not require this. Unfortunately, the process of ๏ฌnding them is impossibly ine๏ฌcient. ๎e Apricot Ice Cream Disaster had cost a whole evening of my life, compensated for only by the information about simulation algorithms.
โข โข โข
Two lunchtimes were su๏ฌcient to research and prepare my lecture on Aspergerโs syndrome, without sacri๏ฌcing nourishment, thanks to the provision of Wi-Fi in the medical library cafรฉ. I had no previous knowledge of autism spectrum disorders, as they were outside my specialty. ๎e subject was fascinating. It seemed appropriate to focus on the genetic aspects of the syndrome, which might be unfamiliar to my audience. Most diseases have some basis in our DNA, though in many cases we have yet to discover it. My own work focuses on genetic predisposition to cirrhosis of the liver. Much of my working time is devoted to getting mice drunk.
Naturally, the books and research papers described the symptoms of Aspergerโs syndrome, and I formed a provisional conclusion that most of these were simply variations in human brain function that had been inappropriately medicalized because they did not ๏ฌt social normsโ constructed social normsโthat re๏ฌected the most common human con๏ฌgurations rather than the full range.
๎e lecture was scheduled for 7:00 p.m. at an inner-suburban school. I estimated the cycle ride at twelve minutes and allowed three minutes to boot my computer and connect it to the projector.
I arrived on schedule at 6:57 p.m., having let Eva, the short-skirted cleaner, into my apartment twenty-seven minutes earlier. ๎ere were approximately twenty-๏ฌve people milling around the door and the front of the classroom, but I immediately recognized Julie, the convenor, from Geneโs description: โblonde with big tits.โ In fact, her breasts were probably no more than one and a half standard deviations from the mean size for her body weight and hardly a remarkable identifying feature. It was more a question of elevation and exposure, as a result of her choice of costume, which seemed perfectly practical for a hot January evening.
I may have spent too long verifying her identity, as she looked at me strangely.
โYou must be Julie,โ I said. โCan I help you?โ
Good. A practical person. โYes, direct me to the VGA cable. Please.โ โOh,โ she said. โYou must be Professor Tillman. Iโm so glad you could
make it.โ
She extended her hand but I waved it away. โ๎e VGA cable, please. Itโs six ๏ฌfty-eight.โ
โRelax,โ she said. โWe never start before seven ๏ฌfteen. Would you like a co๏ฌee?โ
Why do people value othersโ time so little? Now we would have the inevitable small talk. I could have spent ๏ฌfteen minutes at home practicing aikido.
I had been focusing on Julie and the screen at the front of the room. Now I looked around and realized that I had failed to observe nineteen people. ๎ey were children, predominantly male, sitting at desks. Presumably these were the victims of Aspergerโs syndrome. Almost all the literature focuses on children.
Despite their a๏ฌiction, they were making better use of their time than their parents, who were chattering aimlessly. Most were operating portable computing devices. I guessed their ages as between eight and thirteen. I hoped they had been paying attention in their science classes, as my material assumed a working knowledge of organic chemistry and the structure of DNA.
I realized that I had failed to reply to the co๏ฌee question. โNo.โ
Unfortunately, because of the delay, Julie had forgotten the question. โNo co๏ฌee,โ I explained. โI never drink co๏ฌee after three forty-eight p.m. It interferes with sleep. Ca๏ฌeine has a half-life of three to four hours, so itโs irresponsible serving co๏ฌee at seven p.m. unless people are planning to stay awake until after midnight. Which doesnโt allow adequate sleep if they have a conventional job.โ I was trying to make use of the waiting time by o๏ฌering practical advice, but it seemed that she preferred to discuss trivia.
โIs Gene all right?โ she asked. It was obviously a variant on that most common of formulaic interactions, โHow are you?โ
โHeโs ๏ฌne, thank you,โ I said, adapting the conventional reply to the third-person form.
โOh. I thought he was ill.โ
โGene is in excellent health except for being six kilograms overweight. We went for a run this morning. He has a date tonight, and he wouldnโt be able to go out if he was ill.โ
Julie seemed unimpressed, and in reviewing the interaction later, I realized that Gene must have lied to her about his reason for not being present. ๎is was presumably to protect Julie from feeling that her lecture was unimportant to Gene and to provide a justi๏ฌcation for a less prestigious speaker being sent as a substitute. It seems hardly possible to analyze such a complex situation involving deceit and supposition of another personโs emotional response, and then prepare your own plausible lie, all while someone is waiting for you to reply to a question. Yet that is exactly what people expect you to be able to do.
Eventually, I set up my computer and we got started, eighteen minutes late. I would need to speak forty-three percent faster to ๏ฌnish on schedule at 8:00 p.m.โa virtually impossible performance goal. We were going to ๏ฌnish late, and my schedule for the rest of the night would be thrown out.