R io’s house reeks of boy.
There are piles of laundry and empty beer cans decorating his place, and the house was bursting with noise while he and three more guys from the hockey team played Xbox on the giant screen in his home theater.
I can’t complain, though. As soon as he opened the front door and saw my bloodshot eyes, he kicked his teammates out and got me a fresh set of sheets for the guest bedroom.
“Ind, you’ve got a visitor,” Rio says from the doorway.
Laying on the bed even though it’s mid-morning, I keep my back to the door. “I don’t want to talk to Ryan.”
“How about me?”
Peeking over my shoulder at the sound of Stevie’s voice, I find her leaning on the doorframe with Rio. Her bouncy curls are lively, but those eyes that match her twin only remind me of the fear I saw in his this morning.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forget the absolute terror on Ryan’s face, and I couldn’t be more thankful that it wasn’t my test. As much as I want a family, I’d rather be alone than have my partner feel trapped with me.
“You’ll do.”
A smile tugs at her lips as Rio leaves us alone.
Stevie climbs into the bed behind me, wrapping her arms around my shoulders.
“This is nice,” I sigh. “Your brother always calls little spoon.”
Stevie’s chest vibrates behind my back. “You didn’t send me a daily update today.”
“Daily update, Vee—your brother doesn’t want the same things I do, and I don’t know where we go from here.”
She runs a hand over my arm soothingly. “Did he say that?”
Tears fall down my face, hitting the pillowcase. “You should’ve seen him, Stevie. He was terrified.” Sucking in a deep breath, I try to find enough oxygen to speak. “I’ve avoided bringing up the topic our entire relationship, hoping that when the time came to have it, he would be more open. But this morning, he made it evident that he never will be.”
Stevie pauses, staying silent for a stretch of time.
“I love you, but I shouldn’t be having this conversation with you,” I continue. “Ryan needs you.”
“Indy, you’re still my best friend.”
“And so is he. Will you make sure he’s okay for me? Keep an eye on him? I can’t do it right now.”
She squeezes me tighter. “Of course, I will.”
Turning around on the bed, I face her. “Are you really pregnant?” Stevie’s ocean eyes glass over. Unable to speak, she simply nods.
“Vee…” I wrap her up in a hug. “That’s incredible. I’m so happy for you. That baby’s genetics? Dear God, they’re going to be stunning.”
Both of us laugh and cry as we hold each other. Her because she’s probably hormonal and me because well, I’m me.
She sniffles. “I was so afraid to tell you.” “Why?”
“Why do you think, Ind? And then Ryan goes and assumes. God, I feel terrible.”
“Don’t you dare.” Pulling back to look at her, I move her curls behind her ear. “I’m so happy for you and Zanders.”
“Yeah?”
“Of course, I am! I’m going to spoil the shit out of that babe. I hope they have a big enough closet because between me and their dad, they’re going to have the most excessive wardrobe imaginable.”
A smile breaks out along her lips, and though I would never say it because I refuse to make her feel bad, knowing my best friend—the love of my life’s twin sister is about to start a family, has me longing to do it right along with her.
“Promise me that even if I’m not with Ryan, I’ll still get to be Auntie Ind.”
“You’ll always be Auntie Ind.” She offers me a sad smile. “Just talk to him, okay? When you’re ready.”
Nodding, I wipe at my wet cheeks as she does the same. “Well, aren’t we pathetic,” I laugh.
“The most pathetic.” She pulls me into a hug again. “I love you.” “I love you too.”
“Talk about a fantasy come to life! The two of you all wrapped up around each other in my bed? Lord, have mercy!”
I throw a pillow at the door. “Rio, get out!”
He lets the pillow smack him in his goofy face. “Someone else is here to see you.”
Stevie wears an understanding smile. “You don’t have to if you’re not ready yet.”
I look back to Rio. “I’m not. And he can’t be here. He needs to get to practice.”
Rio takes a deep breath as if he were about to tell his celebrity idol to leave, which is exactly what he’s going to do. Gearing himself up, he leaves us alone once again.
“Do you need anything?” I ask. “Water. Food. How are you feeling?” “I need to go tell Zee he’s going to be a dad.”
“What?” I sit up. “Stevie Renee Shay, are you kidding me? I know before him?!”
She sits up on the bed as well. “I had to make sure you were okay.”
“Please go tell Zee Daddy Zanders that he’s going to be an actual
daddy.”
“His name in my phone is about to take on a whole new meaning, huh?”
 |
“Come on, man. Just let me talk to her. I already let you send me away once this morning.”
I can hear Ryan’s voice from Rio’s guest room where I had myself a little cry before sleeping away the afternoon. I couldn’t tell you what time it is, my phone has been turned off all day. Turns out that trying to come to terms with the idea of not spending your life with the person you love is exhausting.
“Ryan, you know I practically worship the ground you walk on, so telling you not to come into my house or resist asking you to autograph the poster I have of you hanging in my game room is testing my limits to the max. But she’s not ready, and she’s also one of my favorite people, so I’m going to take her side on this one.”
“I know she’s upset, but if I could just talk to her, everything would be okay—”
“She doesn’t want to talk to you.” Ryan pauses. “She said that?”
“Verbatim.” Another awkward silence. “Give her some time. I’m sure she will come to you when she’s ready.”
“Fuck,” Ryan exhales and another stretch of silence lingers as if he were coming to terms and accepting the fact we won’t be speaking tonight. “Will you keep an eye on her for me? Make sure she’s okay?”
“Of course.”
“Do you have food she can eat?” I can only imagine the horror on his face as his eyes roam the messy hockey frat house in front of him. “I’ll have some groceries sent over. She’s a vegetarian. And she likes her coffee over ice, so maybe put some in the fridge in the morning for her. Can you give this to her for me?”
The last thing I hear is the front door closing before my bedroom door opens.
Rio stands in the doorway with a duffel bag in his hand. “I know you’re mad at him but let me make this moment about me. Indy, that was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Ryan freaking Shay was standing on my front porch asking to come inside and I said no. Stevie should truly step aside because if that doesn’t earn the title of best friend, I don’t know what does.”
“Thank you. I’m sorry I made you do that.”
He drops the duffel bag on the bed. “He brought this for you.” Rio turns to leave but stops once again in the doorway of his guest room. “He’s devastated, Ind.”
I nod, understanding that sentiment all too well. “I am too.” With a sympathetic smile, he leaves me alone for the night.
The harsh reality is that I don’t love Ryan any less than I did this morning but recognizing that only hurts more to know we aren’t on the same page. Just because our futures don’t align doesn’t mean the life- altering love I have for him has gone away.
Opening the bag, I find a pair of pajamas on top. The silky sleep set I wore the night we went camping and shared a bed for the first time. Underneath, there are more clothes, underwear, and socks. My toiletry bag I use to travel for work. He tucked my latest cross-stitch project and my current book in here as well.
And as I pull out each item, more tears fall from my face because I love him, and I love the way he loves me. So attentively. So quietly.
But today, it’s the words that were the problem.
Words that were on the tip of his tongue, wondering if I tried to get pregnant on purpose. I can hardly wrap my head around the idea that he would compare me to someone who caused him the worst pain in his life.
He knows how badly I want that life, and it felt like a slap in the face to be accused of trying to steal it.
Needing an escape from my reality, I open my book and restart where I last left off. But what’s holding my spot is not my usual bookmark, but a scrap of paper, torn and quickly scribbled on.
Blue,
I’m not great with words, so I’ll keep this short. I love you. I will love you as long as you’ll allow me the privilege, and even longer after that. I have every intention to give you the life you want. I hope you’ll let me.
You can even add this promise to the fridge when you get home.
-Ryan
|
Sleep was almost nonexistent. In a bed that’s not his. In a house that’s not ours. Stacked pillows did nothing to trick my mind because every part of my body knew Ryan wasn’t there.
Dragging myself out of the dark and lonely guest room, I find Rio in the kitchen with his signature boombox on full blast.
Seeing Rio in the kitchen making breakfast causes my chest to physically ache at the memories it induces.
It’s been twenty-four hours and I miss Ryan more than I’ve ever longed for another person and one night apart has me questioning if the future I envisioned for myself is even worth it if Ryan isn’t there.
Rio turns down the music before proudly sliding a cup to me. “Iced coffee.”
Taking a sip, I almost choke on the bitterness of it, not to mention the texture of the grounds that found their way in. But I offer him a smile because the guy is trying.
“It’s good.”
“It’s shit, isn’t it?”
“Well, now that you say it…”
“I’ve never made the stuff. I don’t drink coffee. Look at me.” He motions down his body. “I’m wired enough as it is without the added help. The only reason I even have a coffee maker is for when the other guys from the team come over and want a cup.”
As always, Rio makes me smile. It feels weird after an entire night of crying into my pillowcase for there to be a grin on my lips.
“You didn’t have to make me some but thank you. I appreciate it more than you know. And thank you for letting me stay.”
“Of course, Indigo. You’re my girl. I’ve got your back.”
He turns back to the stove where a few vegetarian sausages are sizzling over the flame, and without asking, I know Ryan took the liberty to have groceries sent over.
“You’re wrong, by the way,” he says. “Wrong about what?”
“Me not having to make you coffee. I had Ryan Shay standing in my doorway telling me how his girlfriend likes her coffee and if you don’t
think the look he gave me while he said it screamed ‘you better fucking make her coffee when she wakes up’ well then, babe, you’re wrong.”
An audible laugh bubbles out of my lips and I almost shock myself at the sound. Rio always knows how to put a smile on my face. The same way Stevie does and Zee. The same way I’m always wearing one around Ryan. This family I’ve created over the last year and a half is new in my life but holds a weight far more significant than the friends I kept for an entire lifetime.
Sometimes history really means nothing when the right people walk into your life.
“Speaking of Ryan Shay,” Rio begins again. “There’s a basketball player sleeping in my driveway who’s worth more money than I’ll ever see in my lifetime.”
“He came back?”
“He never left. The guy slept in his car, and honestly, if I were into dudes that right there would have me folding.”
I push his head away with a laugh. “He’s already spoken for, so don’t even think about it.”
I still have no idea what to say to Ryan. These hours away from him have only confused me even more. Is any of it worth it without him?
Regardless, he can’t be sleeping in his car. He’s got two of the most important games in his career coming up, and I refuse to let something as trivial as lack of sleep be the reason he doesn’t perform at his best.
Heading for the front door, I grab my coat.
“Please don’t tell him how shitty my coffee was!” Rio shouts from the kitchen.
Ryan’s Range Rover sits parked on the curb outside the front of the house, windows rolled up, but I can see him reclined in the driver’s seat with a coat bundled around him.
Tapping on the glass, I stir him awake.
He startles, taking a moment to reacclimate himself to his surroundings until his attention falls to me, just outside the window. His brows pull in, but a breath of relief blows from his lips.
I assumed he’d roll down his window so we could talk, but instead, Ryan opens his door and instantly pulls me into his body. Standing and swaying, he keeps his chin on my head and holds on to me like he never plans on letting me go.
“Did you get some sleep?” he asks. “Not really. Did you?”
“Not really.”
“I would bring you a cup of coffee, but Rio’s coffee sucks compared to yours.”
His laugh rumbles in his chest, until finally, he pulls away enough to see me. “Please come home.”
Tears prick the back of my eyes. “Ryan, I can’t.” “Please, Ind.”
“Do you remember what you said to me the first morning we had breakfast together? You told me that I should never have to beg someone to be ready for a future. And I won’t. Not again. Those were your words, Ryan.”
His eyes close as he runs his palm down his face. When they reopen, they’re as glassy as mine.
“You don’t have to beg, Ind. I’ll give you everything you could want.”
I’d love to believe him. Everything would feel better if I did, but I know deep down it would only fix the hurt on the surface. Ryan has never once shown any signs of wanting the family I do, and I blindly turned away as if I didn’t notice. Anytime children came up in conversation, his desire for them was always used in past tense.
“But is it what you want? Or would you have children with me just because it’s what I want? Ryan, I love you far too much to allow you to
spend the rest of your life fulfilling my every wish if those dreams aren’t yours also.”
“They are,” he begs me to understand. “I told you, I’m in it.”
It might hurt, but I don’t know how else to get him to comprehend my fear that the words he’s saying could just be pretty words he knows I want to hear.
“Ryan, I spent six years hearing those exact words.”
He jolts, his head falling back to his car. “I’m not him.”
“I know you’re not. I just want you to understand where I’m coming from. Yesterday scared me, Ry.”
“I didn’t mean to say that. To compare you to her. I didn’t really even think that.”
As if it were second nature to him, Ryan thumbs under my eyes, more concerned with my emotions than his own.
“You could tell me until you’re blue in the face that you want to have kids with me, but what if that was my test? What if I really was pregnant? You were petrified, almost upset, thinking I was. Ryan, promised words don’t mean much when that reaction was our reality.”
His Adam’s apple moves in a deep swallow. “I know. I fucked up and I’ll own that.”
“Let’s think for a second, okay?”
“I don’t need to think! I know what I want.”
“But I do need to think,” I say softly. “I love you, Ryan. So much, but I can’t go back to that apartment right now when I know the second I walk through the door, I’ll forget about everything simply because being there with you makes me happy. I owe myself a moment to think clearly. This is the rest of my life. Yours too.”
He blows out a deep exhale, looking away from me as he tries to come to terms that I’m not going home with him today.
Ryan folds his arms around my shoulders, kissing my forehead before leaving his lips to linger there. “I love you.” He threads his fingers through my hair, cupping my head to tilt my attention up. “Promise me you’re not giving up on us.”
“I’m not.”
Bending down, he kisses me with warm, parted lips and I lean into him, deepening it. His fingers curl into my hair, holding me there and I give in, memorizing every pull of his lips, every satisfied sound from his throat.
Pulling away, he dots another kiss on my cheek then on my forehead before sending me on my way back to the house.
He watches as I walk inside, folded arms on the roof of his car. “Tell Rio if he’s gonna fuck up the coffee then he needs to have some delivered for you!”
With a small smile on my face, I close the front door behind me, all while knowing I’ll have a coffee delivered in less than thirty minutes from the man outside.
