I nearly sprint through the front door with a tray of coffees in my hand
because I haven’t seen Ryan in four days and I’m a needy bitch who wants his attention. Plus, I get to tell him that my parents booked a flight and are coming to visit soon. I can’t wait for them to formally meet face-to-face.
But I don’t have to make it far to find him sitting on the entryway bench, elbows to his knees and his head hanging low.
“Hi! I missed you!”
He draws his head back, but doesn’t look at me, instead focusing on the ceiling, those ocean eyes filled with too many emotions I can’t place.
“What’s wrong?” Setting the tray on the kitchen island, I stand between his legs and run my hand over his hair. “Are you upset about the game last night?”
He chuckles a humorless laugh but there’s no smile to accompany it. “No.”
“Okay,” I draw out. “What’s bothering you?”
He shakes his head, unable to find the words to speak.
Attempting to shift the tone of this conversation, I take a deep breath. “Well, I have something exciting to tell you!”
Hand reaching up between our bodies, he holds a small plastic stick out for me to see. “I already know.”
“What is that?”
He doesn’t say anything. “Is that a pregnancy test?”
“Clearly, Ind. How long have you known?”
Wait. What?
His eyes finally meet mine. It’s evident now that he’s not angry about last night’s game. In fact, he’s not angry at all. He’s scared. As if every one of his insecurities is becoming a reality in this moment and I’m the face of them all.
I keep my tone soft. “There’s nothing to tell, Ryan.”
“Did you do this—” he begins before stopping himself, shaking his head.
Eyes widening, I take a step back and away from him, putting my hands up in defense.
“Fuck.” He stretches for me, regret in his voice, but I keep myself out of reach. “No, Ind, I didn’t mean it like that.”
“Ask the question, Ryan.”
He stands, shaking his head as he slowly steps towards me, but I mirror his actions, retracting at the same pace.
“No, baby, I didn’t mean it like that.”
Fear bubbles inside of me. “Ask the fucking question, Ryan!”
I refuse to cry when he refuses to speak. I’m too angry to cry. Too mad at myself for falling in love with a man who made it clear he didn’t want the same things I did from the beginning.
“Ask me if I did it on purpose,” I say for him. “That’s what you’re wondering, right?”
Ryan’s eyes gloss over, regret pulling at every feature. “I’m not putting this on you, Indy. I’m just scared out of my goddamn mind and I’m fucking exhausted and I’m not thinking straight. I’m not reacting the right way.”
For the first time in our relationship, I’m not the emotional one. He’s on the verge of all out crying and I’m not sure if it’s because he thinks I’m pregnant and that’s the last thing he wants or if believes I betrayed him by getting knocked up.
He circles the kitchen island to meet me, but I maintain distance, my back to the front door.
“Blue, please.”
He looks equally sad as he does hurt and part of me wants to hug him, but most of me is angry that he’d ever think I’d trap him, even for a second.
“You don’t need to be scared, Ryan. I’m not pregnant. It’ll be a miracle if that ever happens so thank you for reminding me of that and thank you for reminding me that the last thing you want in life is the thing I desire most.” I exhale a humorless laugh. “We’ve never been on the same page, have we?”
With parted lips, Ryan’s brows pinch together. “Indy.” He squeezes the bridge of his nose. “I just need a moment to wrap my head around this. I…I didn’t expect it.”
Clearly, Ryan is ignoring the part where I told him I’m not pregnant. Maybe he’s in shock. Maybe he can’t grasp any of this. I’m trying to be understanding of his fears, but I refuse to spend my life convincing another man to want the same things I want.
“Sometimes I wish you had a normal job because then maybe you could trust there are no ulterior motives to loving you.” Snagging my keys off the kitchen island, I quickly slip out into the hall. “Take all the time you need, Ryan.”
“Indy!” I hear him shout through the door, but I don’t turn around.
