I ’m a coward.
I’ve avoided Indy’s calls for days, unable to find the strength to answer,
knowing there’s a chance she’s calling to tell me she’s back with her ex who doesn’t deserve to even stand in the same room as her.
But seeing her two nights ago, sitting courtside at my game was enough of a reminder that I need to grow a pair and make sure she knows. Even if she doesn’t want me, even if she decides to go back to the life she had before me, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself without telling her how important she is. Both to me and to the world.
Indy, the romantic.
She deserves the gesture. She deserves to be loved loudly. She deserves to be loved in any way she wants.
And if I can be conceited for a moment, she deserves to be loved by
me.
I will put her first. I will give her the life she’s always dreamed of. I will
make sure she knows how special she is, that she doesn’t need to put on the show for everyone else. I like her chaotic and emotional. I like her messy.
But of course, I haven’t had the courage to say those things, afraid that in response, she’ll tell me the one thing that will break me.
Were the tears she shed while rushing to the bathroom at my game due to guilt, knowing it’s going to hurt like hell when she ends things with me? The insecurities ramming into my chest want to scream at me that they were.
I should’ve stopped her from speaking to him. I should’ve reminded her that it took her absence from his life for him to understand what a gift he had, while it was her presence in mine that opened my eyes to everything I’ve ever wanted.
Indy left for her friends’ wedding yesterday after she landed back in Chicago a day before me. The rehearsal dinner was last night, and it’s not lost on me that I was too much of a coward to tell her how much she means to me before she spent an entire day with Alex.
As if I needed anything to add to the anxiety rushing through me.
The drive to the hotel where this wedding is taking place took me two hours out of town, and I was almost late thanks to my physical therapy appointment going over. But the good news is, I’m cleared to start low intensity practice next week and if things go well, and my knee continues to heal properly, I’ll be back on the court shortly after that.
A few wedding guests quickly make their way past my parked car, rushing into the hotel, afraid to be late. On the other hand, I stay seated in my Audi, inhaling deep breaths and trying to calm my nerves. I didn’t give Indy the chance to tell me she doesn’t want me here, so I truly have no idea what I’m walking into.
The urge to put my car in reverse and get out of here is thrumming through my body, but we made a deal. I would be her date to this wedding, and though she may no longer need me to prove a point, or convince her friends she’s doing okay, I made a promise to show up. I will always deliver on my promises to her, even if she doesn’t want me in the same way I want her.
Keeping my head down, I enter through the lobby of the hotel before finding my way to one of the large banquet halls in the back. I might be the last guest to arrive, everyone already in their seats as I attempt to sneak in.
It doesn’t work.
The few guests who spot me as I enter are quick to tell the people next to them and before I know it, everyone’s eyes are on me standing in the back of the banquet hall.
I hate it.
As whispers circulate, I slip into the second to last row, hoping to hide. There are so many people, people who I don’t know, people who are watching my every move. People who aren’t Indy and don’t bring me the calm she does. With my toes bouncing, I keep my head down, pretending to read over the wedding program in my hands and trying to block out the noise of the growing hushed tones.
The music shifts, and immediately the crowd settles, the focus returning to the real reason they’re all here.
The groomsmen enter and he’s the first one I spot. Blond-haired piece of shit who couldn’t handle his girl being smarter than him. The guy who made her believe something was wrong with her, that she was too much.
The same guy who delivered the best thing to ever happen to me right to my doorstep.
He’s wearing a smug smile and I can’t figure out if he’s naturally that annoying or if he arrogantly got someone back that never should’ve been his in the first place.
Then a different set of doors opens and there she is. Angel in lavender. Blonde hair curled and partially pinned back, white flowers in her hand and in her hair. She’s taller too and I fucking love her in a pair of heels.
She walks down the aisle right past me, and I can’t keep my eyes off her. She glides with a sense of confidence, her head held high, and that radiant smile on her lips.
She’s breathtaking.
When she reaches the makeshift altar, she stands to the far left as the rest of the women wearing the same dress file in front of her.
Alex has his eyes glued to her and I can’t exactly blame him. She’s magnetic.
They’re practically facing each other from opposite sides of the room, and I watch as her attention flickers to him, but I can’t read her expression. I don’t know what that look means.
She doesn’t know I’m here, hiding in the last rows, but she’s the only thing I can see. Even as the doors open and the music shifts for the bride to walk down the aisle. I stand with the rest of the guests, but the only person I’m looking at is the tall blonde who owns my heart in the front of the room.
Indy smiles, watching her friends’ moment, but I notice her eyes bouncing around the audience as she does. It takes a while for her wandering gaze to coast through the entire crowd, but eventually those brown eyes lock on mine.
That polite grin of hers morphs into a full-on beaming smile and I have no idea where we stand or what the fuck that could mean, but I sure as shit know Alex didn’t get that smile.
She keeps her focus on me, a slight flush crawling up her cheeks. “Hi,” she silently mouths while no one else pays us attention.
“You’re beautiful,” I say right back.
She refocuses on the bride’s walk and my attention falls back to the groomsmen. I shouldn’t have assumed no one was paying us attention because Alex is glaring at me, and fuck do I love that kind of attention.
Giving him a wink, my eyes are right back on my girl.
In a room full of her previous life, she’s all I see during the entire ceremony. Golden skin glowing from the ambient lighting, chin held high, and a kind smile as her friends say their vows.
As the words roll off their tongues, speaking of better or worse, sickness and health, and richer or poorer, Indy looks at me. Her attention is locked on me. I’d love to know what she’s thinking because my formally unromantic heart is making up all sorts of scenarios in which she didn’t entertain a second of that conversation with her ex and sees only me as the person she could say those words to.
The ceremony ends with the crowd cheering, but even as I stand and clap, my body boils when I realize her so-called friends paired Indy with Alex to walk back down the aisle. I’m not dense enough to misunderstand the dynamics here. Her friends want them back together.
Alex leans in and says something in her ear as her arm is politely wrapped around his, but she doesn’t respond with words. She only wears a smile for the crowd to see. Her perfectly happy mask.
But I’m privileged enough to know what’s underneath the polished girl, and I get one final glance from her before she exits the room.
 |
The time between the ceremony and the reception is agonizing, knowing she’s here somewhere, taking pictures and not with me. I want to speak with her, hold her, hide away from the rest of these people who haven’t left me alone.
I’ve signed countless autographs and worn my professional smile, answering their probing questions diplomatically.
I’ll be back on the court soon. My knee is feeling great.
And my roommate is in the wedding party when asked how I know the bride and groom. Truthfully, I know we aren’t just fucking roommates, but I have no idea what Indy wants me to introduce myself as.
These are her people, were her people, and I’m not sure what she wants them to believe.
She and I, we aren’t as different as I once believed us to be. We both put on a facade for the rest of the world, knowing what people want to hear and see, but at home, we’re ourselves, and I love that I have that piece of her.
After thirty minutes of being “on,” I find a small hidden cove outside of the reception area to hide away in. It’s hard to live up to fans’ expectations of the real-life Ryan Shay when all I can focus on is finding out if Indy wants to be with me.
With my hands in my pockets and my head low, I take a few moments to center myself, knowing I need to be a professional when I go back out there. When I go anywhere.
There are so many strangers, it makes my skin crawl, knowing my every move is being watched, but I’d do it a hundred times over and be here today if Indy needed me to.
“You hiding, Shay?”
Looking up, Indy’s neck is craned, peeking into the isolated cove, bouquet of white flowers dangling in her hand. Beautiful as ever. Happy too. And I can only hope I’m the reason for that.
“You know me too well, Ivers.” “Can I hide with you?”
Head leaning back on the wall, I take a deep breath thanks to her proximity. “You can hide with me forever, baby.”
Ducking into the small cove, she tucks away with me for no one else to see. “You’ve been avoiding my calls.”
“I know.”
“I have something I need to tell you.” “Me first.”
“Ryan—”
“I’ve got to say some things, Ind. I need you to know where I stand and what I want, in case I haven’t made it clear. I need to throw my hat in the ring.”
“You don’t have to say anything.”
But I do. With a room full of her previous life, there are things she needs to know.
I take her hand, intertwining our fingers, memorizing the way we look molded together.
“I want you, Indy. I want us. I want our little life we’ve built even when we thought we were pretending. I want you in our house because you’ve made it a home. I want your mess and your chaos. I want your genuine smiles, the ones you wear when you’re around my sister, the hockey team, and me. I want you happy, and I want to be the reason you are. I want you to choose me.”
“Ry—”
“I understand what I’m competing against. I know I don’t have your history, but I want your future.”
“Ryan—”
“You deserve the grand gestures, the big moments. I’m not great at making a show. I don’t like the attention, but if that’s what you need to understand how much I want you in my life, I’ll do it. Fuck, I should’ve done this in front of a crowd or standing in the rain or something romantic instead of hiding away and saying it. God…” I chuckle without humor. “I’m telling you you’re the best thing to ever come into my life while hiding in a random room with terrible carpet and shitty wallpaper—”
“Ryan!”
I swallow. “Yeah?”
Her lips lift, a smile overtaking her face. “I never thought I’d say this, but you can stop talking now.”
A small chuckle rumbles in my chest as she closes the space between us. Hand wrapping around my neck, she pulls my eyes to meet hers.
“You didn’t have to say anything. I already know. And I’m the talker in this relationship, in case you forgot, but today, I only have three words I
need to say.”
She leans up on her tiptoes, her mouth level to mine as she whispers the loudest words I’ve ever heard.
“I love you.”
Her brown eyes bounce between mine. “If you would’ve answered a single one of my calls this week, I could’ve told you exactly what I told Alex. My home, my heart, all of it, is with you. There was never a moment of doubt for me, Ryan. The only reason you heard me crying on the phone after that conversation is because I finally felt free, and more than that, I felt clarity. I don’t want you to change. I don’t need you to shout from rooftops or show me off. I just need your quiet love because those moments are the loudest declarations I’ve ever heard. I want you for exactly who you are. I’m in love with you, Ryan Shay, and I don’t need the entire world to know that for it to be true.”
A sharp exhale of relief shudders through me, but besides that, I’m stunned silent.
In all these weeks, I had convinced myself it would take Indy time to get on the same wavelength to feel about me as I do her. I never thought she’d be the one to admit it first. I had intended to stay quiet, continuing to love her through my actions until I was certain the admission wouldn’t scare her off, but here she is, my romantic girl, sweeping me off my feet.
Nervousness washes over her from my silence as she leans back on her heels.
Her throat works a swallow. “I know I said I like your quietness, but now would be a good time to say something.”
I chuckle. My confident girl, vulnerable and nervous.
Pushing her hair behind her ears, I cup her cheeks and ensure her focus is on me. “I’m glad you finally got on my page.”
A smile slides across her mouth.
“I’m sorry someone let you believe you were hard to love, because, Blue, it’s the easiest thing I’ve ever done.” I shake my head. “God, I love you. I think in a way, I’ve loved you since our first breakfast together. You brought me back to life, Ind, and I will love you as long as you’ll let me.”
“Promise?”
Pulling her in, I take her lips with mine. “I’ll even add it to the fridge.”
|
Indy has tried to stay by my side during the reception, but almost anytime we’re alone, the bride decides she needs her.
She and I start dancing, Maggie needs help with her dress.
She takes a seat on my lap for cake cutting, Maggie needs her help to reapply her makeup.
We also weren’t seated together for dinner, but that didn’t stop us from eye-fucking the hell out of each other from across the room even while she shared a table with her ex.
The drastic measures her friends have taken to get the two of them back together is laughable. It would’ve started a pit of jealousy in me before today. But today, Indy loves me.
She loves me.
I need this wedding to be over so I can take her home. Indy is over it, that much is clear. I can see the visible shift she’s taken from separating who she is now from her previous life. I guess I should be thanking Alex for that. If he hadn’t given her that closure, I’m not sure how long it would’ve taken my girl to fully move on.
Her friends are so busy keeping her occupied and away from me, as if we don’t live together, that I have plenty of time to thank him in person.
“I’ll have what he’s having,” I tell the bartender, leaning my elbows on the bar top.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Alex whines next to me.
A couple of his buddies are on his other side, slack jaws.
Typically, I hate the stares, the attention. But I fucking love how much this guy hates that he’s a fan of mine. Him and all his friends.
The bartender puts a glass of amber liquid in front of me with a single spherical ice cube. Taking a sip, the smokiness of it burns my tongue and throat in the most delicious way.
The guy has good taste, I’ll give him that. If that wasn’t already evident by his ex-girlfriend.
Leaning down to his level, I keep my words hushed but clear. “Unfortunately, Indy’s old friends are your friends. You’ll be around, I
get that. But if you ever, and I mean ever make her cry again, I will do everything in my power to make your life a living hell. My face will pop up everywhere you go. You will see me in your goddamn nightmares. I will make myself a daily reminder that you fumbled the best thing you’ll ever have in your fucking life. Got it?”
He stays staring straight ahead, but I note the nervous flicker of his eyes.
“Got it?” I repeat.
He nods in confirmation, and I plan to leave him with that, but then he decides to open his fucking mouth.
“Aren’t you supposed to be the good guy of the NBA? I doubt stalking me would be good for your golden boy image.”
A condescending laugh escapes me. “Says the guy who camped outside of my place of work to talk to a girl who wants nothing to do with him. But let me make this clear, when it comes to her, I have no issue ruining my reputation. I will burn the world down to protect her and I’ll proudly wave the match, so everyone knows I’m the one who did it.”
I pop off the bar to go find Indy, but then I add one more thing. “You know that jersey you’ve got with my last name on it? When you see it
hanging there in your closet, let it serve as a reminder to you, that soon enough, it’ll be her last name too.”
I clink my glass with his because sometimes I’m an asshole, and then I go find my girl.
She’s off by herself because her friends have no reason to spend time with her if I’m not around to distract her from, so I sneak up behind her while she’s wearing that forced smile and speaking to guests.
As soon as my palm slides around her waist, her hand is on mine, fingers linking together.
“Well, I’ll be damned,” the older gentleman she’s speaking to cuts in. “Ryan Shay. I’m a huge fan of yours. I cannot wait until you’re back on the court. The team needs you.”
I wear my professional smile once again. “The guys are doing great without me.”
“Well, that’s because you’re on the sidelines, still running every game.” He chuckles a hearty laugh. “Don’t let us down, son. We need to make it to the playoffs. It’s been too damn long and I’m getting too damn old.”
“Yes, sir. I’m going to do my best.”
“Excuse us,” Indy cuts in. “I’m going to steal my boyfriend for a bit.”
Boyfriend.
She pulls me away and straight towards the exit. “Boyfriend, huh?”
“Oh, you don’t like that? Would you prefer something else? My honey? My boo? Or how about my lover? Everyone”—she turns around and pretends to announce to the crowd behind us—“I’m going to go get railed by my lover now!”
I shift her shoulders, ushering her towards the exit. “Okay, you’re not allowed to give nicknames.”
“So only you’re allowed to hand out nicknames?” “Well, yeah, mine are good.”
Blue.
Ind.
Baby when we’re in bed.
Mrs. Shay is another I’d like to add to the list in the future.
“What do you want me to call you then?” she asks, halting us in our tracks.
Cupping her cheeks, I kiss her for everyone who wants to see. “You can call me yours.”
She smiles into me. “Can you take me home now?” “You don’t want to stay here?”
She has a room upstairs for the night and I have a bag in the car in case things went my way today.
“I want to go back to the city where it’s just you and me in our home.”
Our home.
“I like the way that sounds.”
“Are you leaving?” Maggie cuts in before we’ve made it to the door.
The night is over, the majority of the guests have gone, and I haven’t seen most of the other bridesmaids in well over an hour so I can only assume, they’ve left too.
“Mags, do you really want me here?” “Of course, I do.”
“I mean me. Do you want me here? Not as Alex’s girlfriend and not as a part of the group.”
Maggie stays silent for longer than I like.
“Look, I love you. We’ve been friends our entire lives, but I don’t fit in anymore, and I’m okay with that. If you want to be my friend, truly be my friend without any hidden agendas, I’d love that, but if you don’t see us spending time together because your husband is friends with my ex, I’ll be okay with that too.” She runs a hand down Maggie’s arm. “You look so beautiful today and I’m so happy for you.”
She really is. I can see it in her face. There’s no hidden jealousy or sadness. Indy seems entirely content.
Indy leans in to hug her. “We can talk about it another time if you’d like, but I’m happy, Maggie, and I’d love if you were happy for me too. Go have fun, okay?”
Taking her hand, I lead her to the exit.
“Indy,” Maggie calls out. “I am happy for you.”
Indy offers her a small smile before we are finally out of that fucking wedding.
