Snow on a warm April morning that tasted like early summer, the road sun- dappled, trees in full, green bloom. Fake snow. Made of shredded paper, Ramsey told her. Not everywhere, that would have been far too expensive and they didnโt have that kind of budget. But enough toย set the scene,ย to cover the ground around the car.
โItโs the exact same car,โย Ramsey said, too pleased with himself.ย โA 2007 Honda Accord in royal blue.โ
Bel pretended to be impressed. Well, it couldnโt be the exact same car; that one must be in police storage somewhere, but the same in all the ways that mattered. Parked roughly up on the shoulder there in the exact spot it had been found, matched up to the crime scene photos. In the middle of a small, nameless road that led out onto US Route 2, toward Moose Brook State Park at the other end. It was blocked o๏ฌย forย ๏ฌlming, vans and trucks parked sideways across the entrance and exit, a morning chorus of angry horns.
Belโs eyes were stuck, tracing the outline of the car. The same car Rachel was driving that day, the one she disappeared from, the one she left Bel behind in.
Ramsey was watching her.
โLet me know if this is too weird for you,โย he said.
โThis is too weird for me.โ
But Ramsey had already been called away by someone. There were four more crew members milling around today, another camera rig, more microphones, more metal trunks, more voices. One right in her ear now.
โHey, Bel,โย Ash said, the sound of him so out of place in this road that was out of season, out of time.
Bel turned from the snowy scene to face him.
A small camera was mounted on his shoulder, theย ๏ฌu๏ฌy pad of an external microphone attached on top. The red recording light blinking. Bel blinked back at it.
โRams wanted me toย ๏ฌlm some behind-the-scenes,โย he explained.ย โFake snow,โย Bel said.
โYeah, that stu๏ฌย is a nightmare. Been here sinceย ๏ฌve. Just got to get through theย ๏ฌlming and life can go back to normal.โ
โAmen.โ
Hey, maybe they werenโt so di๏ฌerent after all. Actually, forget that: Ash was wearing a white-and-black candy-striped shirt tucked into greenย ๏ฌared pants with bright pink clip-on suspenders. His sleeves were rolled up, revealing one tattooed forearm.
โSee you came dressed for the winter weather,โย she said.ย โAlways.โ
โLeast youโll scare the bears away,โย she said, trying to be as quick as he was.
โWait, thereโs bears in New Hampshire?โย He swallowed, looking nervously at the trees.
Bel laughed, but so did Ash. It was a joke. That was annoying, now heโd think he was funny. Which he wasnโt, by the way.
Ash shu๏ฌed.ย โRamsey said you were ill on Thursday. I hope youโre feeling better.โ
โWhat are those?โย She pointed at him.
โTattoos. Do they not have those in New Hampshire?โ
โYeah, but whatย areย they?โย Bel said, studying the designs tracking up just one arm, paleย ๏ฌesh running like tributaries around the gray pictures.
โTheyโre memories. Family stu๏ฌ, you know.โ โNo, I donโt know,โย she said, pushing him.
He held out the arm, camera still rolling.ย โThat rose, thatโs for my sister, Rosie. Took the thorns out because sheโs nice all the time. The lily next to it, thatโs for my sisterโyou guessed itโLily.โ
โThe leaf?โ
โAย ๏ฌg leaf, for my oldest sister, Eve. Sheโs married to Ramsey. Iโm the youngest, the baby. Thatโs me, the old camp๏ฌre. Iโm Ash, by the way. Never properly introduced myself. Ash Maddox. That bird above my elbow is my mum, Bridget, but everyone calls her Birdie.โย Ash twisted his arm, showing her the bare, exposed patch by his wrist.ย โGonna get one for Ramsey too. He doesnโt like the idea of being an old horned sheep.โ
โThe camp๏ฌreโs the worst one,โย Bel said, taking a shot, getting him back for the bears.
โTell me about it.โย An amused sni๏ฌย that meant something more.ย โTheyโre all amazing people, my mum, my sisters, Rams. Iโm the only fuckup.โ
โHave you considered, maybe, just trying to be normal?โ
A car pulled into the road then, saving Ash from her. They must have moved the truck to let it through.
โRamsey, sheโs here!โย Ash called, using it as an excuse to walk away from Bel. He hadnโt lasted long.ย โSheโs here.โ
Who wasย she? Not the horsefucker again, surely. Bel was the only one in the family scheduled toย ๏ฌlm today, the only one they needed, because sheโd been the only one there when Rachel disappeared.
The car rolled to a stop thirty feet away, sunlight glaring against the windshield.
The passenger-side door opened. Rachel Price stepped out.
Bel froze.
A cold winter wind that only she could feel, inside and out, as she came undone.
It couldnโt be.
Rachel covered her eyes against the sun. Dressed in the same clothes she was wearing when she disappeared. Black jeans and a red long-sleeved top, under a large gray quilted coat. The coat sheโd left behind in the car. The same age sheโd been thatย ๏ฌnal day.
โHi, hello,โย she said to nobody in particular, in the crisp voice of a New Yorker.
โHi, Jenn, welcome back,โย Ramsey said, jogging over.ย โBel, let me introduce you.โ
He caught Belโs elbow, unsticking her, and walked her over to Rachel. Not Rachel.
A fake Rachel.
Bel could see that now, her mind thawing out, dripping cold down the back of her neck.
โThanks for the fucking heads-up,โย she hissed, taking her elbow back from Ramsey, Ash following them with the camera.
Ramsey glanced down, eyes kind and concerned. Yeah, right.
โI told you it was a reenactment,โย he said.ย โThought you assumed.โย They stopped.
โBel, this is Jenn, the actress whoโll be playing the role of your mum today. Jenn, this is Bel, Rachel Priceโs daughter.โ
โGood to meet you,โย Jenn said, gum popping in her mouth, sticking out her hand.
Bel didnโt take it. She was busy studying the stranger in front of her. The di๏ฌerences were clear, now she was this close: the color of the eyes, the shape of the chin, no birthmark on the forehead. But for a moment thereโฆ
โYou look like her,โย Bel said, instead of a greeting.ย โSo do you,โย Jenn replied.
As if she didnโt dislike this woman enough already.ย โNot as pretty, though,โย Bel added as a quick jab.
โAw, well, your mom was beautiful. Iโm sorry about what happened to her,โย she said,ย ๏ฌddling with a strand of her yellow-blond hair.ย โIโm obsessed with this case, oh my gosh. I listened to a podcast about it last fall, called
Wine and Murderย or something, and Iโm obsessed. Ob-sessed.โย She split up the word, holding on to it like a snake.
โYes, you said. Three times.โ
Belโs eyesย ๏ฌicked over to Ramsey. A blink, slow enough for him to read. Fake snow and fake Rachels. This gum-popping idiot? He blinked back, like he almost agreed with her.
He clapped his hands.ย โLong day ahead of us. Sooner we get started, the sooner we can wrap up.โ
โNot soon enough.โ โThatโs the spirit, Bel.โ
โ
Everyone was waiting. Ash stood there beside the car, headphones cushioned around his neck, beckoning Bel into the backseat.
Fake Rachel was behind the wheel.ย โYou guys donโt actually want me to drive today, right? I donโt have a license.โ
Ramsey shook his head, from the passenger seat.
โOK,โย Ash said, a little louder this time, gesturing at the backseat again.
The window on the other side was rolled down, a camera rig mounted half inside the car, to point directly into Belโs face. Another camera set up on a tripod in front of the car, shooting through the windshield. Battery- powered light boxes hemming them in.
โLetโs get started,โย Ramsey said out of his open window.ย โHop in, Bel.โย Hop in.ย Like it was that fucking simple. Oh, sheโll justย hop in,ย all right.
Bel took a step toward the backseat, the knot growing in her gut, a fake
ball of ice, sharp where it melted. She ducked her head, held her breath and climbed inside, Ash hovering too close like he could somehow speed the process along. Bel sat back, hands balled together in her lap, pressing against her stomach, kneading the knot.
โYou OK?โย Ash said, like he was a fucking mind reader now. Bel lashed out at him. He was the closest, in range.
โJust shut the door,โย she snapped,ย ๏ฌinching when he did.
Done, OK. She was in the backseat. This wasnโt so bad now, was it? No di๏ฌerent from the front. Not really.
โWe shot the full reenactment yesterday.โย Ramsey turned around to bring Bel into the conversation.ย โLouise from the crew, her two-year-old was playing young you, Bel. Very cute. But while we have theย realย you today, this is more the interview part of the sequence. Iโll ask Bel questions, and Jenn, today I donโt want you to speak or react in any way, almost like youโre not here.โ
Fake Rachel was just a prop, like the paper snow and the undrinkable water.
โWhyย isย she here, then?โย Bel asked.
โWeโre going to interpose the interview with shots from the reenactment, so you go from young Bel to you, sitting in that same seat, talking us through what might be happening, what youโre feeling. Itโs hard shooting a reenactment when you donโt actually know what happened, but I thought it was important for Rachel to have a presence in both time zones. Here, even though sheโs not.โ
Bel had something smart to say to that, but it was too late, Ash was in front of the car, holding the clapper board in front of the camera.
Someone else shouted,ย โAction!โย loud enough that birds scattered.
โHow does it feel, Bel?โย Ramsey turned to her.ย โSitting here, in the same car, on the same road where your mum disappeared? To be reliving this moment?โ
Did it count as reliving when you couldnโt remember theย ๏ฌrst time?ย โFine,โย she said.ย โBit strange.โ
โWhy is it strange?โ
Because there was a woman cosplaying as her dead mom, sitting in front of her.
โThat Iโm here, in the same way it happened sixteen years ago. I donโt remember being here, but I know that I was. Right here, in a little blue coat.โ
She was wearing a blue sweater today, like Ramsey asked, the same color, to match. Look how Louise-from-the-crewโs cute two-year-old grows
up into this haunted young woman, you can tell by the bright blue.
โI wonder, does being here in these exact same conditions, does it spark anything in your memory? Any images, feelings?โ
โShit, yes, now you mention it, Iโve just suddenly remembered everything and solved the entire case, can you believe it? What a plot twist.โย She didnโt mean to do that. Just that Ramsey was now the closest, in range. And it was uncomfortable here, on the backseat. But memory didnโt work like that. If it was gone, it was gone, or it had never existed in theย ๏ฌrst place. If Ramsey needed her to have some big revelation for hisย ๏ฌlm to
work, she was going to have to disappoint him.ย โSorry.โ
โNever apologize,โย Ramsey said.ย โI like the real stu๏ฌ, the unguarded moments.โ
Unguarded? She was as guarded as they came,ย mate.ย Layers of iron and steel between her skin.
โMaybe itโs better to start with the little that weย doย know,โย Ramsey said, defusing.ย โTell us how you were found. I know you donโt remember, but what youโve learned since.โ
โThis is all I know, from Julian Trippโs testimony. I was found here, in the backseat,โย she said, so tense that she wasnโt truly sitting against it, stopping herself from sinking in, a hot ache in her lower back.ย โIt was freezing outside. Snowing. The real stu๏ฌ, not paper. But the car engine had been left on, so the heaters were still running, and the headlights were on. Mr. Tripp was driving the other way from Route Two. He spotted the lights, saw that the car had veered o๏ฌย onto the shoulder, half on the road. So he pulled up to investigate, see if anybody needed help.โย Bel glanced out the window, as she might have done sixteen years ago, through smaller eyes. Had she been scared at the time, sitting here in the dark, all alone? Did she even know what scared was?ย โHe came up to this window. It was dark inside, but he had aย ๏ฌashlight, saw me here in the backseat. He told police that he called out a few times:ย Hello? Is anybody here?ย When he got no answer, he opened the door to see if I was OK.โ
โAnd were you?โย Ramsey asked, even though he already had all the answers.
โI wasย ๏ฌne, he told police. I didnโt seem distressed, like maybe I hadnโt been left that long. The heaters were on, so I wasnโt cold at all. I wasย ๏ฌne, not crying. He said I was babbling words and sounds, nonsensical, trying to talk to him. Heโd met me before, but he didnโt recognize me right away. After he checked that I was OK, Mr. Tripp called the police. This was all just after six oโclock that evening. He sat with me, to keep us warm while we waited for the police to turn up. He gave me a juice box that he found in the footwell. He saw Rachelโs coat and purse there on the passenger seat, where you are now.โ
Ramsey was quiet, a reverential silence for the front passenger seat. Which was stupid, because this wasnโt even the same car. Rachel had never been here.
โIt was cold that evening. Freezing, even.โย Ramsey studied his phone screen.ย โTwenty-three degrees Fahrenheit, or minusย ๏ฌve Celsius already at six oโclock.โ
โThatโs cold,โย Bel agreed.
โNot easy for someone to survive out there in just a thin red top, without their coat,โย Ramsey said, running his hands over said coat. Not the real one; the police had that too.
โNo, it wouldnโt be easy,โย Bel said. Unless youโd planned it.
โBut she might not have been out in the elements for long,โย Ramsey continued.ย โPolice brought in a K-9 unit the following morning. Sni๏ฌer dogs who followed Rachelโs scent from the abandoned car. They tracked her scent thirty yards up the road that wayโโhe pointed out the windshield
โโwhere they lost the trail, in the middle of the road. That might have been down to the snowy, windy conditions, and it doesnโt mean that Rachel didnโt walk into the trees, but police initially thought this indicated that Rachel got into another vehicle there, thatโs why the trail suddenly ends. Whether by her own will or not.โ
โWouldnโt need your coat if youโre getting into another car,โย Bel said, putting an end to that thread of discussion, cutting it o๏ฌย like Rachelโs trail,
vanished in the wind.
โYouโve touched on something that many online theorists obsess over. The fact that the engine was left on, and the heaters too. If someone did abduct Rachel from the car, people theorize that they left the engine on and shut all the doors on purpose, to keep you safe, Bel, so you wouldnโt freeze to death. People think this possible abductor could have been someone known to you, someone who cared about you and didnโt want harm to come to you.โ
That had been one of the prosecutionโs theoretical arguments against her dad. Scrabbling at straws for their weak case.
Bel shrugged.ย โI donโt think so,โย she said.ย โIf someone did take Rachel from the car, the engine was probably already running, and if they shut the doors, maybe itโs because killing a two-year-old would have gone against their moral code. Or they thought the crime scene would be more inconspicuous with the doors shut. Or maybe it was Rachel herself who did that, who left me here. Whether it was meant to be for a few minutes orโฆย longer.โ
All more plausible. Rachel walking away from the car, walking away from her life, leaving Bel behind, but she didnโt want her daughter to actually die in the process. Mother of the year right there.
โOn the topic of public opinion, of the enduring obsession with this mysterious, unsolvable caseโฆโ
He should talk to Fake Rachel there. Sheโd listened to one podcast and she was Ob-sessed.
โDo you mind if I ask you about Phillip Alves?โย Well, heโd already asked, permission or not.ย โThatโsย ๏ฌne.โย Bel cleared her throat.
โPhillip Alves, a plumber from Boston, who was thirty-seven at the time of Rachelโs disappearance, becameย ๏ฌxated on this case when itย ๏ฌrst hit the news cycle. An obsession that only grew as time passed without answers. He traveled to Gorham, convinced he was the one destined to solve this case, toย ๏ฌnd Rachel Price. Police suspect heโd been watching your house, going
through your trash, taking photos. Can you tell us what he did to your uncle Je๏ฌย and aunt Sherry back then?โ
โIt was in the early days,โย she said,ย โbefore my dadโs arrest. The police were around a lot, as you can imagine, wanting to talk to everybody. Phillip Alves dressed up as a police o๏ฌcer and went toย interviewย Je๏ฌย and Sherry, asking questions about Rachel and our family. They didnโt realize he was an imposter, only found out when they told Police Chief Dave Winter about this interview, but police couldnโtย ๏ฌnd him.โ
โItโs believed that Phillip made regular trips to Gorham,โย Ramsey said,ย โover the following months and years, to stalk your family, to search for Rachel, growing more unstable. His wife left him, lost his job because he spent all day researching, reading the message boards. His obsession reached another boiling point in October 2014. Can you tell us about that incident?โ
Bel actually could this time, from her own memories, from her statements to police.
โUh, I was eight years old, in elementary school. It was a Thursday, and I was waiting for my dad to pick me up from school. But this police o๏ฌcer turns up instead, tells my teacher heโs supposed to collect me. She believes him, because of the uniform and the badge. So I go with him, he takes me to his car, tells me to climb into the backseat and put my seat belt on. I did. But he wasnโt a police o๏ฌcer. It was Phillip Alves.โ
โHeย kidnappedย you,โย Ramsey said, voice breathy, in the shape of a gasp, like he didnโt know exactly how the story ended. Besides, Bel didnโt like using that word. So dramatic.
โHe didnโt really take me anywhere, and I didnโtย disappearย for long. He drove a couple blocks away, parked, then turned around to talk to me. Kind of like you are now.โ
Ramsey didnโt like that comparison, she could tell. And Bel didnโt like being here, in the backseat again.
โWhat did he want to talk about?โ
โHe wanted to ask me questions. Well, he was kind of screaming from the start. Sweating, angry.ย Tell me what you saw that day,โย Bel whisper-
yelled in the voice of Phillip Alves.ย โYou saw who took Rachel, tell me who it was. You have to remember something, you were right there. I need to know what you saw.โย She stopped; it was hurting her throat.
โWas that terrifying for you?โย Ramsey asked.ย โEight years old in a strangerโs car and heโs screaming in your face, demanding answers you didnโt have?โ
Bel had been old enough to know fear then. But she was even older now, and knew it was better to keep that to herself.
โI just kept sayingย I donโt know.ย That teacher called the police right after letting me go, realizing her mistake. Dave Winter, chief of police, heโs the one who found me, got me out of the car. I was onlyย goneย about seven, eight minutes. Phillip was arrested, and they realized he was the same man whoโd interviewed Je๏ฌย and Sherry. That heโd been stalking us for years.โ
โPolice of course looked into Phillip, in connection with Rachelโs disappearance, but found no evidence of his involvement,โย Ramsey said, rounding o๏ฌย the story for her.ย โPhillip pled guilty to charges of stalking, kidnapping and impersonating a police o๏ฌcer, and served three years in state prison. He was released six years ago, but upon his release, your whole familyย ๏ฌled a restraining order against him, is that right?โ
โYep. Heโs not allowed anywhere near us.โ
Ramsey cleared his throat.ย โWeโve actually been trying to contact Phillip, to see if heโll talk to us for the documentary. If weย ๏ฌnd him and he agrees to an interview, is there any message you would want to pass along?โ
Bel thought about that for a moment, now she was ten years older and ten years meaner.ย โFuck you, I guess. Why do you think you deserve the truth more than anybody else?โ
Ramsey looked pleased with that answer.
โGood,โย he said.ย โThatโs really good, Bel. OK, I think we should stop for lunch.โ
โ
Lunch was a sad, wilted sandwich and a bag of chips. Bel ate hers silently, watching Ash and Jamesย ๏ฌddle with the camera rig in the car window, Ash being pointed around here and there, go get this, go get that.
Fake Rachel was standing close by, facing the other way. She hadnโt eaten because she was o๏ฌย carbs, apparently, had an audition next week. Made sure everyone knew that.
โIโve not done a documentary before,โย Jenn said to one of the crew.
Louise, Bel gathered, the mother of the little Fake Bel.
โNo? What do you think of this case? Mind-boggling, huh?โย Louise asked her, checking quickly side to side, making sure they werenโt being overheard.
Surprise, Bel was standing right here, twenty feet behind them. Should have checked harder.
โIsnโt it?!โย Jenn said.ย โLike, how did they disappear in the mall, just vanish into thin air, and then the kid turns up here, alone?โ
The kidย didnโt know either.
โJust crazy,โย Louise agreed.ย โWhat do you think happened?โ
โHonestly,โย Jenn said, her abrasive voice dipping into whispers, not any quieter.ย โI think itโs pretty obvious what happened.โ
Obvious, huh? Please, do share.ย โIt was the husband.โ
The knot outgrew Belโs gut all at once. Winding up her spine, python- strong.
โHe must have killed Rachel. That makes the most sense.โ
โI guess itโs always the husband,โย Louise said, half committed to it.
โI feel bad for the daughter, honestly,โย Jenn continued.ย โWhat a sad, messed-up life.โ
Belโsย ๏ฌst closed around the chip packet, squeezing it to death. How fucking dare she? Give Bel two minutes alone with her, then sheโd have a sad, messed-up face. Best of luck with the audition.
Bel threw the balled-up packet toward Fake Rachelโs head.ย โHey!โ
It made contact.
Ten points.
But Bel was already moving past them, shoes angry and fast against the rough dirt road. She didnโt look back.
Was that what they all thought, the crew? The extra ones today and the original four, the ones Bel was starting to trust. Ash? Ramsey? Maybe Bel had never been in control of the story, just a prop, repositioned where they wanted her.
The knot grew inside, pulling harder, so Bel walked faster, almost a run.
Beyond the replica car, footprints in the fake snow, toward the thick canvas of trees.
They swallowed her whole, welcoming her into their shadows, vanishing her.
โBel?โ
Well, not quite.
โOi!โย A voice followed her into the trees. Ash.
โOi,โย Bel repeated, picking up her pace.ย โDonโtย oiย me, what even is that?โ
โWhere are you going?โย He struggled to keep up, the hem of his pants snagging on the forestย ๏ฌoor.
โIโm storming o๏ฌ,โย she spat.
โOh, right,โย he said.ย โC-could you do that a bit later? Weโve got a few more scenes to shoot.โ
Bel turned back, wild๏ฌre in her eyes, a growl in her throat.ย โFuck o๏ฌ, Harry Styles.โ
So he did.
