Bel pushed her chair away, its feet screeching against the tiles, cutting the room into shreds. Grandpa slapped his hands to his ears.
โYou OK, Bel?โย Rachel asked. Could she see something, read the undoing behind Belโs eyes?
โNeed some water.โ
But she didnโt go for the glasses. She opened the cupboard below, where they kept the overspill of mugs, not the ones in daily rotation. Chasing a hunch, a feeling in her gut, the knot leading the way. Sherry was talking about herself, reclaiming the focus, as Bel hid behind the cupboard door.
Her hand dug through, moving rows ofย ๏ฌowery and patterned mugs aside, searching for a speci๏ฌc one. Dadโs favorite. The one that she or Rachel had broken, that heโd thrown away. Bel couldnโt remember breaking it, apologizing just in case.
It was here, hiding in the shadows at the back. Santaโs beaming face and cracked skin. Unbroken. Never broken in theย ๏ฌrst place. Bel blinked to make sure.
Sheโd believed it because Dad told her so. Just like the Taco Bell story. Like everything else: forgetting to seal the trash cans even though it was black bear season and she remembered sealing them. Leaving windows open, even though she had no memory of it. Faucets running.
Bel came apart, sorting through her memories, the ones Dad had obscured, tried to change. She unpicked them all, going back years, separating herself from him, sorting the true from the only-true-because- Dad-told-her.
When she was done, fully undone, she built herself back, in a new shape.
Bel straightened up into it, the mug dangling from herย ๏ฌngers.
It was Rachel too, Dad always said. Front door left open. Oven forgotten, burned food. It used to terrify Bel, to share something with that ghost of a mother, to be like her in any way. But now she realized, nothing like that had happened in the house, not once, since Dad went missing. Because the link wasnโt between her and Rachel, it had been Dad all along. Lying to them, making them doubt their own memories so theyโd need him all the more. And Bel had needed him, maybe too much, the second voice in her head, not truly herself without him.
Fuck.
One of the last things Dad said to her was a warning, that she was being manipulated. But it was much closer to home than that.
Bel pulled out the trash can, dumped the Santa mug inside, where it belonged.
She didnโt bother with another excuse, leaving the kitchen, eyes ahead,ย ๏ฌnally knowing the way.
Up the stairs, to her room.
Her parents were liars. Rachel wasnโt who she thought she was. But Dad wasnโt either.
Something came back to her, in Phillip Alvesโs feverish voice.ย Why would she do something to him, if he hadnโt done something to herย ๏ฌrst?
Bel knew where she was going, her gut leading the way. To the bookshelves mounted on the wall.
The green hardcover spine she knew too well.
Bel pulled out her copy ofย The Memory Thief,ย ๏ฌicking through the pages, something staring her in the face, but she didnโt know what. She just knew it was important, a sign Rachel had given that she wasย ๏ฌnally able to see.
She went back to the very start, the page with the copyright and publisher information, eyes scanning.
She found it, about halfway down.
Originally published in hardcover and ebook March 2008.ย She ran herย ๏ฌnger over the date.
March 2008. After Rachel disappeared. One month after.
Rachel had told Bel it was one of her favorites, but she couldnโt have read it before she went missing. The man hadnโt let her have books in the basement, but Bel knew there never was a man or a basement. So unless Rachel was lying about having read the book at allโand that didnโt feel like the answerโthen Rachel had read this book sometime in those sixteen years when she was disappeared.
And there was more, the way forward. But it wasnโt about this copy here, in Belโs hands. Or the new one downstairs that Rachel had wrapped up. It was about the one in Grandpaโs house.ย Did someone give you this book?ย Bel knew that was the way, toย ๏ฌnally solve the mystery of what really happened to Rachel Price. But toย ๏ฌnd it, she had to accept where the truth would take her. That the answers to Rachelโs disappearance and reappearance led back to Dad somehow, she knew it in her gut, as tangible as the knot. All the hints sheโd rejected, pushed away toย ๏ฌnd another lead, hiding from it, clinging to that alibi as the answer to anyoneโs doubt, even her own. What Grandma Susan said. What Mr. Tripp said. What Phillip Alves said. The lock on Rachelโs door that she hadnโt locked since Dad went
away.
Bel replaced the book, glanced at the photo frame on her windowsill. Her twelfth birthday. Story Land. Dad beaming, arms wrapped around her. She picked it up, searched Dadโs eyes.
Who was he really, this man? Someone who would leave his daughter alone three hours in the backseat, wet from tears and her own piss because she thought sheโd been left all alone in the world again. Bel couldnโt be on his side anymore, because heโd never been on hers.
She put the photo back, face down, making Dad disappear, and that sad, lonely little girl too.
Bel accepted it and she was ready. Knew what she had to do. She darted out of her room and to the stairs.
But she wasnโt alone.
Carter was there, coming up as Bel was going down.ย โHey,โย Carter said, quietly, blocking the way.
โHey yourself.โย Down three more steps to meet her.
โYou OK?โย Carter looked up at her, eyes glittering from the ceiling lights.
โFine. You?โ
Carter opened her mouth, a delay before any words came.ย โCan I talk to you about something?โย Adding:ย โItโs important,โย when she saw the look on Belโs face.
Bel could hear the hurt in Carterโs voice, even though sheโd tried to hide it. She knew Carter better than she knew herself, because Bel hadnโt done a great job of knowing herself.
โYou can always talk to me,โย she said.ย โBut I canโt do this right now, sorry. Thereโs something I have to do. Will you cover for me? Itโs important.โ
Carter breathed out. Not a sigh, something deeper.ย โOK,โย she said in a small voice, moving her arm to let Bel through.ย โIโll cover for you.โ
โThanks, love you.โย Bel hurried down the stairs, into the living room instead. Over to the sofa, where Yordan had placed his bag for Grandpa, everything he might need when away from the house.
Bel reached inside. Incontinence pads and wet wipes. Spare clothes. More than one bottle of pills. She pulled one out, studied it. Painkillers. No, not these. Put them back, tried again. Found another orange pill bottle, squinted to read the words on the label.ย One after every meal,ย it said. This was what she was looking for.
Bel slipped the bottle up her sleeve, herย ๏ฌngers well practiced at this. Not because the knot told her to. Because she needed a reason to leave here and go to Grandpaโs house, without Rachel catching on.
โ
Her chance came, when Grandpaย ๏ฌnished his slice of cake, pushed his plate away.
Bel waited, willing Yordan to move faster. Unknowingly playing a part in another of Belโs plans. She wouldnโt fail this time.
โYouโre all being very quiet tonight,โย Sherry commented, which didnโt help the silence, only a temporaryย ๏ฌx.
Yordan stood up, excusing himself from his own slices of cakeโone from each, to be diplomaticโwandering into the living room.
He was gone a whole minute, reappearing in the archway.ย โSorry, I canโtย ๏ฌnd Patโs digestion pills. I must have left them at home. Iโll go get them quickly now.โ
Bel was ready. She stood up.ย โDonโt worry, Yordan. Iโll get them, you havenโtย ๏ฌnished your cake.โ
โNo.โย Yordan smiled, hand up to refuse.ย โItโs my job. I left them behind.โ
โReally, I donโt mind,โย she insisted, doubling down with her eyes.ย โYou stay here with Grandpa. I need some fresh air anyway. Stu๏ฌy in here.โ
Yordan pursed his lips. Did he know?ย โWell, if you want?โย Bel nodded.ย โItโs no problem.โ
Rachel pushed her chair back.ย โBel, you canโt drive. Maybe I shouldโโ โIโll take my bike.โย Bel cut her o๏ฌ. If Rachel got to the house before Bel
did, then maybe sheโd neverย ๏ฌnd it, the truth. Rachel didnโt want her to have it.ย โIโll be like twenty minutes max. Where are the pills, Yordan?โ
โShould be in the cupboard above the co๏ฌee machine,โย he said, retaking his seat. They were hidden in Belโs back pocket, actually, sorry, Yordan.
โBe right back,โย Bel said, before Rachel could dissent again. Rachel watched her go, something more in her eyes. Carter too.
Bel waved, leaving them in silence again, heading for the front door.
She closed it behind her, the cool evening breeze playing in her hair, throwing it across her face, stinging her worn-out eyes.
She hurried to the garage, through the side door. Ash wasnโt waiting in here for her anymore, but her old bike was, too small but it would do. She wheeled it out into the night, onto the sidewalk, stepped one leg over.
Bel pulled her phone out, held it up until it recognized her face. It didnโt, maybe because it was dark, or maybe because she had changed. She unlocked it with her passcode and scrolled to her messages with Ash.
I was wrong, Iโm sorry,ย she typed, pressed send. She never said sorry, because she never wanted anyone back after sheโd pushed them away.ย I know how toย ๏ฌnd the truth. I need you. Meet me outside my grandpaโs house. Bring the camera. This is it.
Bel placed her feet on the pedals and pushed o๏ฌ, sailing down the moonlit street,ย ๏ฌnally on her way.
The wind howled in her ears, like it knew as well. It all ended tonight.
