They stood around in the living roomโBel, Dad and Rachelโnot knowing what to say to each other, what to do, how to be, the roomย ๏ฌzzing with the absence of living.
Bel was very interested in herย ๏ฌngernails suddenly, picking at them. Dad crackedย ๏ฌrst, saving them all.
โUm, do you want a shower?โย he asked Rachel.
A question that didnโt really need an answer. She was dressed in oversized gray sweats and slippers the police had given her, after taking her clothes into evidence. But she wasย ๏ฌlthy still, a stu๏ฌy smell clinging to the air around her, stale and sharp. Blood, sweat, piss and everything in between.
Only her hands were close to normal; must have washed them after the policeย ๏ฌnished taking their photos and swabs. The medical team had cleaned up her feet too, disinfecting the wounds and blisters, and the raw, rubbed skin of her ankle. She didnโt need a hospital, they said, just needed restโlots of itโand to rehydrate. Sent her o๏ฌย with a bottle of painkillers.
Rachel looked at him a long moment.ย โYes,โย she said, her voice dark and gravelly, like it belonged to the night.ย โI really would like a shower.โ
โYou know where it is,โย Charlie said, awkwardly, his bones locked the same way Belโs did, all angles and lines.ย โItโs a new shower, actually. Redone
years ago. Fresh towels in the linen closet.โย Rachel nodded, but she didnโt move.
Why wouldnโt she go?
โThereโs nice shampoo up there,โย Bel said, pushing gently.ย โI make Dad buy the good stu๏ฌ.โ
Rachel smiled at her. Her teeth were still good; she must have been able to brush them, wherever she was. Dad must have been thinking the same thing.
โThereโs new toothbrushes, under the sink,โย he added.ย โHelp yourself.โ โI will.โย She still hadnโt moved.ย โClothes? Or did you throw all of mine
out? I guess you thought I was dead, soโฆโ
Charlie scratched his head.ย โThere might be a few things in the closet still. Iโll have a look for you.โ
Rachel didnโt say anything.
โIโll set up the spare bedroom for you while you shower,โย he continued.ย โPut any of your stu๏ฌย Iย ๏ฌnd in the dresser in there. Give you triple pillows; I know you used to like it that way.โ
Rachel shrugged.ย โAny pillows would be good.โย A roundabout way of accepting the arrangement. You were supposed to be sad about that, huh? Finding out your parents slept in separate bedrooms. But Bel didnโt have space to feel anything about that, because there was that other thing, ticking over in her gut, like the engine that was either switched o๏ฌย or it wasnโt. She needed to talk to Dad, alone.
โOK,โย Rachel said eventually, hands hidden up her too-long sleeves.ย โIโll be down soon.โ
โTake as much time as you need.โย Charlie dipped his head as Rachel walked past him, like he was avoiding her eyes.
They heard her gentle feet, pattering up the stairs, fading to nothing. The click of the bathroom door, the turn of the lock.
โIโll goย ๏ฌx up her room,โย Dad said, bones unlocking now, squeezing Belโs shoulder.ย โSit down, kiddo. Youโve had a long day.โ
But Bel couldnโt sit down, not for long, following her dad upstairs a few minutes later. Past the rainforest sounds of the bathroom, steam leaking out
the gap under the door. The spatter of a body, moving under the water. And another sound beneath it: was Rachel humming in there? The tune, gentle and unhinged, made the hairs stand up along Belโs arms. She hurried past the door like something might reach under and catch her.
โDad?โย Bel whispered,ย ๏ฌnding him in the spare room, next to hers. He wasย ๏ฌtting fresh white pillowcases over two new pillows. A pile of clothes folded at the end of the bed: one pair of light blue jeans, a couple of T-shirts and sweaters, one pair of striped pajamas. Bel didnโt know heโd kept any of Rachelโs clothes.
โDad?โย she hissed again, louder, over the noise of the shower.ย โHuh? You OK, kiddo?โ
No, not at all, what a stupid question. But maybe it was one you were supposed to ask, pretending things were normal when they never would be again.
โAreย youย OK?โย she asked him.
He stared down at the bed, running his hands across the patterned comforter,ย ๏ฌattening out the lines.
โIโm OK,โย he said, not con๏ฌrming it with his eyes, keeping them to himself.ย โItโs justโฆstill in shock, is all. Doesnโt feel real. Like I might wake up soon and thisโฆโ
Belย ๏ฌnished the thought for him:ย this will all go away.ย Rachel would go away.
โWill take some getting used to,โย he said, carrying the folded clothes, placing them in the top drawer of the empty dresser.ย โDo you have any underwear, Bel, that you could lend your mom?โ
Belโs lip pulled up in a sneer, exposing her teeth.ย โSorry,โย he said.
โDad.โย She hardened her voice, bringing his attention back to her. She didnโt know how much time they had. Rachel was out of sight, out of earshot, but even down the hall felt too close. Back to a whisper.ย โDad. Do youโฆdo you think sheโs telling the truth?โ
His eyes narrowed,ย ๏ฌicking side to side, across Belโs face and beyond.ย โWhat do you mean?โ
โAbout what happened to her? How she disappeared, reappeared.โ
His face rearranged, mouth moving around unspoken words. But then he did speak them:ย โWhy would she lie about it?โ
And that wasnโt a stupid question.ย โI donโt know,โย she said.
โLook, Bel.โย He took hold of her shoulders, gentle butย ๏ฌrm.ย โI think sheโs been through something horrible, something unbelievable, which makes it hard to believe.โย A muscle twitched in his cheek, the sad ghost of a smile.ย โBut she has no reason to lie, Bel, and you have no reason not to believe her.โ
That one hurt. Bel stepped back to steady herself. She thought her dad might be with her on this. He was always with her. And if he said Rachel was telling the truth, then Bel had to believe it. So why was it so hard to make herself believe? That one discrepancy, tightening its hands around her throat, something to push against.
Dad moved to the nightstand, opening the drawer to check it was empty, swiping a layer of dust from the surface with his sleeve. He switched on the little yellow lamp, shaped like a metallic mushroom.
โYouโre not happy sheโs back, are you?โย Bel could tell. She could tell instantly the moment heโd walked in the kitchen and saw Rachel there, recognized her.
โI am happy sheโs back,โย he said, no, he insisted.ย โIโm happy sheโs alive, of course I am. Sheโs my wife, the woman I loved most in the world. Itโs just, it doesnโt feel the way you think it will, after all that time. Weโre in shock, all of us. Things will be strange for a while, kiddo, and Iโm sorry about that. But that doesnโt mean Iโm unhappy. OK?โย He knocked hisย ๏ฌnger under her chin as he passed.ย โGot my two girls. My family.โย He glanced at his watch.ย โItโs nine. I know itโs late, but I should make dinner, shouldnโt I? None of us have eaten properly.โย He gestured with his head down the hall, toward the steaming bathroom.ย โWhat do you think sheโd want to eat?โ
โI donโt know, I donโt know her,โย she said, still stinging. Was it possible Bel was the one whoโd made a mistake, not Rachel? Maybe she hadnโt been
listening properly. She could be forgetful like that. Dad said things would be strange for a while, and that meant Bel too. She de๏ฌnitely felt strange.
โPizza,โย Dad said, nodding, agreeing with himself.ย โIโll order pizza. If there was ever an excuse for takeoutโฆโ
He left it there, and he left Bel there too, walking out into the hallway, just as the shower screeched o๏ฌ.
โ
They sat in the living room. Dad took the armchair earlyโit was his spotโย so Bel and Rachel were on the sofa, at opposite ends, Belโs legs straight out in front. Hyperaware every time she felt movement in the cushions, a shift in the corner of her eye.
It was even stranger, now Rachel was clean, looking closer to her old self. To the Rachel Price of the family videos and missing posters and news bulletins. The face of the unsolvable mystery, now solved, the forty-three- year-old version of that twenty-seven-year-old missing woman. She was wearing her old navy-striped pajamas. Cheeks stillย ๏ฌushed from her hot shower, skin white and clean, grooves of pink where sheโd scrubbed too hard. Feet bare: cracked and blistered, tucked up on the sofa. Hair wet, brushed back from her face so her birthmark showed. Now she smelled like coconut and aloe vera, and that was stranger still, because those usually belonged to Bel.
Rachel leaned forward for another slice of pizza from the box, dropping it onto her plate. She didnโt eat it right away, theย ๏ฌickering images of the television playing across the glass of her eyes.
She caught Bel looking. A smile stretched across her face, new lines you couldnโt see before, the smile duplicating through the skin of her cheeks. Chin pointed just the way Belโs did, stolen from her. She looked happy to be home. Bel tried to smile back.
โI borrowed your hairbrush, Anna,โย Rachel said.ย โSorry, Annabel, Bel.
Hope you donโt mind.โ
Bel did mind. More about the name, though.
โThatโs OK,โย she said, forcing herself to eat another slice so she didnโt have to talk.
โWow.โย Rachel stared at the TV.ย โLook at those graphics. Almost looks like a real dragon. Well, you know.โ
But no one did know, and no one spoke until Charlie cleared his throat.ย โDid you have a TV, in the basement?โย he asked, watching the dragon,
not her.
Rachel shook her head, making him look at her anyway.ย โNo TV.โย She took a bite, kept speaking with her mouth full.ย โNo books. He gave me paper and pens. I would draw. Got pretty good at it. Something to keep me busy. And I used to write stories. Lots of them. About you, actually.โย Rachel looked at Bel.ย โBoth of you. What you were up to. Imagining new chapters in your lives. Imagining our lives if Iโd never been taken. Iโd write them out and save them to read back to myself, months or years later. Iโm no Jane Austen.โย She laughed a small, controlled laugh. Who could laugh about that, talking about their prison cell?ย โBut it gave me something to do. Kept me sane.โ
No one said anything for a while, and the silence was too much, itchy as it climbed up Belโs back.
โThereโs one more slice of pizza,โย she said to the room, shaking the box.ย โNo thanks, Rachel,โย Charlie said without looking.ย โYou help yourself.โย Belโs jaw locked.ย โDad, that was me,โย she said quietly.
โOh, sorry, Bel.โย Heย ๏ฌushed.ย โNo, you have it, Iโm full.โ
Rachel didnโt react, but she must have been thinking something, hiding it from her face.
On the television, the dragon was gone. Now there was a man who was supposed to be a prince, pushing a woman up against a dank dungeon wall. Lifting her dress. She begged him not to.
Charlie grabbed the remote,ย ๏ฌicking to a di๏ฌerent channel.ย โSomething lighter,โย he said under his breath, stopping on a cartoon where they swore more than Bel.
Rachel was watching him too, something new in her expression, only half readable.
โHe didnโt touch me,โย she said to the room as well.ย โNever like that. Police asked that too. Just used to sit on the stairs and watch me sometimes. Only came close to bring food, and paper. I think he liked keeping me, is all.โ
โOK,โย Charlie said, after a moment, because what were you supposed to say to something like that?
โSo you can put your dragons back on, if you want,โย she said.ย โIโm OK.โ โI think itโs time for bed, anyway.โย Charlie switched the TV o๏ฌ,
standing with an awkward stretch.ย โWould be good to get a nice, long sleep. Weโve all hadโฆa day. Bel, can you take the plates to the kitchen?โ
Rachel chewed her cheek.
Bel reached over to take the plate in front of her, stacking it with her own, and then Dadโs. She carried them into the kitchen, loaded them into the dishwasher, not focusing on what her hands were doing, ears pricked and listening.
By the time she got back to the living room, Charlie was explaining where they now kept the glasses in the kitchen. Bel didnโt know theyโd ever lived anywhere else.ย โThe cupboard above the microwave. Seemed a better place for them. If you want to take water up to bed or something.โ
Rachel was standing now too.
โDo you have everything you need?โย Charlie asked her.ย โFor bed?โ
โYes, I have everything I need,โย she said. But the way sheโd said it sounded almost like a threat.
โGood.โย Charlie smiled one small, desperate smile,ย ๏ฌghting to keep it on his face.ย โWell, good night, I guess. S-see you in the morning.โ
โYes,โย she said, rubbing her eyes with a navy-striped sleeve.ย โGood night.
Good night, Annabel.โ
โNight,โย Bel said, almost cracking at the strangeness of it all, of playing families. Of how un-normal all these normal things felt.
โ
Bel couldnโt sleep. A runnerโs heart in her chest, beating in her ears. Wondering if the air coming in through the cracks in the door was the same air Rachel Price had already breathed.
It had been three a.m., last time sheโd checked her phone. The light was o๏ฌย now, but that didnโt help, sleep dancing around in front of her, always one step out of reach. She had to sleep, had to. Because maybe sheโd wake up andย ๏ฌnd out none of this was real after all. That sheโd just fallen on the train tracks and cracked her head, inventing everything from that point on. Rachel Price would disappear again, like she was supposed to.
But wishing wouldnโt make it true. Rachel was really here, and she was real, but that didnโt mean her story was. Dave Winter said it was a mistake. And Dad believed Rachel, or he said he did. But maybe he was doing that for Belโs sake. He always put herย ๏ฌrst. Maybe he thought she needed a mom.
She didnโt. She didnโt need anyone.
Bel was about to check the time again, but as she reached out, she heard a click in the dark. The shush of her door, pushing open against the thick carpet. Bel lowered her arm and held her breath. There was a darkย ๏ฌgure in the doorway, silvery outline picked out by the moonlight.
Not Dad.
It was Rachel.
Bel forced her eyes shut, pretending to be asleep. Heart faster now, panicked couplets beating a word that sounded likeย dan-ger, dan-ger, dan- ger.ย Gut knotting up beneath the blankets.
Bel heard Rachel take one step inside the room. The gentle windstorm of her breath, in and out of her nose.
Rachel was watching her sleep. Except she wasnโt asleep.
Go away,ย Bel thought, squeezing her eyes tighter.ย Please go away.
Fighting the battle with her mind. Pushing Rachel away.
It must have worked. A few moments later, the door shushed again, clicked shut.
Bel opened one eye to check, searching for a specter in the dark. But Rachel was gone.
