She opened her eyes from a shallow sleep and the ๏ฌrst thing she noticed was that she was incredibly tired. She could see a picture on the wall, in the dark. She could just about make out that the picture was a mildly abstract interpretation of a tree. Not a tall and spindly tree. Something short and wide and ๏ฌowery.
๎ขere was a man next to her, asleep. It was impossible to tell, as he was turned away from her, in the dark, and given that he was largely hidden under the duvet, whether this man was Ash.
Somehow this felt weirder than usual. Of course, to be in bed with a man who she hadnโt done anything more with than bury a cat and have a few interesting conversations from behind the counter of a music shop should have felt slightly strange in the normal run of things. But since entering the Midnight Library Nora had slowly got used to the peculiar.
And just because it was possible that the man was Ash, it was also possible that it wasnโt. ๎ขere was no predicting every future outcome a๎er a single decision. Going for a co๏ฌee with Ash might have led, for instance, to Nora falling in love with the person serving the co๏ฌee. ๎ขat was simply the unpredictable nature of quantum physics.
She felt her ring ๏ฌnger. Two rings.
๎ขe man turned over.
An arm landed across her in the dark and she gently raised it and placed it back on the duvet. ๎ขen she took herself out of bed. Her plan was to go downstairs and maybe lie on a sofa and, as usual, do some research about herself on her phone.
It was a curious fact that no matter how many lives she had experienced, and no matter how di๏ฌerent those lives were, she almost always had her phone by the bed. And in this life, it was no di๏ฌerent, so she grabbed it and sneaked out of the room quietly. Whoever the man was, he was a deep sleeper and didnโt stir.
She stared at him.
โNora?โ he mumbled, half-asleep.
It was him. She was almost sure of it. Ash. โIโm just going to the loo,โ she said.
He mumbled something close to an โokayโ and fell back asleep.
And she trod gently across the ๏ฌoorboards. But the moment she opened the door and stepped out of the room, she nearly jumped out of her skin.
For there, in front of her in the half-light of the landing, was another human. A small one. Child-size.
โMummy, I had a nightmare.โ
By the so๎ light of the dimmed bulb in the hallway she could see the girlโs face, her ๏ฌne hair wild from sleep, strands sticking to her clammy forehead.
Nora said nothing. ๎ขis was her daughter. How could she say anything?
๎ขe now familiar question raised itself: how could she just join in to a life that she was years late for? Nora closed her eyes. ๎ขe other lives in which sheโd had children had only lasted a couple of minutes or so. ๎ขis one was already leading into unknown territory.
Her body shook with whatever she was trying to keep inside. She didnโt want to see her. Not just for herself but for the girl as well. It seemed a betrayal. Nora was her mother, but also, in another, more important way: she was not her mother. She was just a strange woman in a strange house looking at a strange child.
โMummy? Can you hear me? I had a nightmare.โ
She heard the man move in his bed somewhere in the room behind her.
๎ขis would only become more awkward if he woke up, properly. So, Nora decided to speak to the child.
โOh, oh thatโs a shame,โ she whispered. โItโs not real, though. It was just a dream.โ
โIt was about bears.โ
Nora closed the door behind her. โBears?โ
โBecause of that story.โ
โRight. Yes. ๎ขe story. Come on, get back in your bed . . .โ ๎ขis sounded harsh, she realised. โSweetheart,โ she added, wondering what she โ her daughter in this universe โ was called. โ๎ขere are no bears here.โ
โOnly teddy bears.โ โYes, onlyโโ
๎ขe girl became a little more awake. Her eyes brightened. She saw her mother, so for a second Nora felt like that. Like her mother. She felt the strangeness of being connected to the world through someone else. โMummy, what were you doing?โ
She was speaking loudly. She was deeply serious in the way that only four-year-olds (she couldnโt have been much older) could be.
โSsh,โ Nora said. She really needed to know the girlโs name. Names had power. If you didnโt know your own daughterโs name, you had no control whatsoever. โListen,โ Nora whispered, โIโm just going to go downstairs and do something. You go back to bed.โ
โBut the bears.โ
โ๎ขere arenโt any bears.โ โ๎ขere are in my dreams.โ
Nora remembered the polar bear speeding towards her in the fog. Remembered that fear. ๎ขat desire, in that sudden moment, to live. โ๎ขere wonโt be this time. I promise.โ
โMummy, why are you speaking like that?โ โLike what?โ
โLike that.โ โWhispering?โ โNo.โ
Nora had no idea what the girl thought she was speaking like. What the gap was, between her now and her, the mother. Did motherhood a๏ฌect the way you spoke?
โLike you are scared,โ the girl clari๏ฌed. โIโm not scared.โ
โI want someone to hold my hand.โ โWhat?โ
โI want someone to hold my hand.โ โRight.โ
โSilly Mummy!โ โYes. Yes, Iโm silly.โ โIโm really scared.โ
She said this quietly, matter-of-fact. And it was then that Nora looked at her. Really, properly looked at her. ๎ขe girl seemed wholly alien and wholly familiar all at once. Nora felt a swell of something inside her, something powerful and worrying.
๎ขe girl was staring at her in a way no one had stared at her before. It was scary, the emotion. She had Noraโs mouth. And that slightly lost look that people had sometimes attributed to her. She was beautiful and she was hers โ or kind of hers โ and she felt a swell of irrational love, a surge of it, and knew โ if the library wasnโt coming for her right now (and it wasnโt) โ that she had to get away.
โMummy, will you hold my hand . . .?โ โI . . .โ
๎ขe girl put her hand in Noraโs. It felt so small and warm and it made her feel sad, the way it relaxed into her, as natural as a pearl in a shell. She pulled Nora towards the adjacent room โ the girlโs bedroom. Nora closed the door nearly-shut behind her and tried to check the time on her watch, but in this life it was a classic-looking analogue watch with no light display so it took a second or two for her eyes to adjust. She double-checked the time on her phone as well. It was 2:32 a.m. So, depending when she had gone to bed in this life, this version of her body hadnโt had much sleep. It certainly felt like it hadnโt.
โWhat happens when you die, Mummy?โ
It wasnโt totally dark in the room. ๎ขere was a sliver of light coming in from the hallway and there was a nearby streetlamp that meant a thin glow ๏ฌltered through the dog-patterned curtains. She could see the squat rectangle that was Noraโs bed. She could see the silhouette of a cuddly toy elephant on the ๏ฌoor. ๎ขere were other toys too. It was a happily cluttered room.
Her eyes shone at Nora.
โI donโt know,โ Nora said. โI donโt think anyone knows for sure.โ She frowned. ๎ขis didnโt satisfy her. ๎ขis didnโt satisfy her one bit.
โListen,โ Nora said. โ๎ขere is a chance that just before you die, youโll get a chance to live again. You can have things you didnโt have before. You can
choose the life you want.โ โ๎ขat sounds good.โ
โBut you donโt have to have this worry for a very long time. You are going to have a life full of exciting adventures. ๎ขere will be so many happy things.โ
โLike camping!โ
A burst of warmth radiated through Nora as she smiled at this sweet girl. โYes. Like camping!โ
โI love it when we go camping!โ
Noraโs smile was still there but she felt tears behind her eyes. ๎ขis seemed a good life. A family of her own. A daughter to go on camping holidays with. โListen,โ she said, as she realised she wasnโt going to be able to escape the bedroom any time soon. โWhen you have worries about things you donโt know about, like the future, itโs a very good idea to remind yourself of things
youย doย know.โ
โI donโt understand,โ the girl said, snuggled under her duvet as Nora sat on the ๏ฌoor beside her.
โWell, itโs like a game.โ โI like games.โ
โShall we play a game?โ
โYes,โ smiled her daughter. โLetโs.โ
