BECKETT
Letter #23 Chaos,
Itโs been two days since we buried Ryan. You didnโt come, and you havenโt answered my letter. When I asked the guys from your unit if you were okay, at least I assumed by their haircuts they were from your unit, they told me they had no idea who I was talking about.
So yeah, they were from your unit.
If youโre not answering me, and you didnโt come to Ryanโs funeral, then Iโm left with one option that I canโt bring myself to ask. Because I donโt know if I could bear it.
Youโve become something I never expected, this silent support who never judges. I didnโt realize just how much Iโve come to depend on you until you werenโt here. And Iโm terrified. You told me once that youโre only scared if you have something to lose. And I think, maybe, we do have something to lose.
Thereโs so much pain right now. So much that I feel like every second Iโm awake, Iโm at a ten on that little hospital chart. Scratch that, Iโm at a nine. I canโt be at a ten, right? Not when I have Colt and Maisie. But it hurts so much.
Ryan. I watched them lower him into the ground on our little island and still canโt put all the pieces together to form a real picture. Everything feels hazy, like some nightmare that I canโt wake up from. But at night I dream Ryan is home, and you show up at my doorโa blurry figure I can never quite remember in the morning. Dreams have become the reality I want, and I wake up to the nightmare.
So Iโm begging you, Chaos. Donโt be dead. Please be alive. Please donโt tell me that you were there with Ryan, that you met the same fate.
Please tell me that you werenโt buried somewhere at a funeral I was never told about. That I wasnโt robbed of the only chance Iโd ever have to stand within a few feet of you.
Please show up in a couple of weeks and tell me youโre fine, that it was too painful to respond to my letters. Tell me youโre broken up over Ryan. Just please show up.
Please donโt be dead.
~ Ella
โฆ
โYouโre sure about this?โ Donahue asked through the phone.
โI am. Youโre holding the paperwork, right?โ I unhooked Havocโs work vest and hung it in her locker, which was right next to mine.
โYep.โ He sighed. โIt hasnโt been that long.โ
โItโs September,โ I said with a laugh. โThat means itโs been eighteen months since I went on terminal leave.โย Two years since I got Ellaโs first letter.ย โYou canโt keep me on the bench forever, coach.โ
โI have three more years.โ
โNah. Itโs time.โ I grabbed my car keys from the hook in my locker and glanced at the pictures that covered the interior door. Hiking with Ella and the kids last month. Camping this summer. Colt after he won his league semifinals. Maisie finally getting to swim in the lake a few months after sheโd completed immunotherapy. Ella sitting with Havocโs head in her lap. Ella and I were still in the friend zone, but they were my family, and this was my home. Getting the full-time slot that opened up a couple of months ago meant my new insurance fully covered Maisie, so all the pieces were finally in place. โI miss you guys. Not going to lie. You were my first family. But Iโm never leaving Telluride. We both know it. Hell, Ella broke up with me seven months ago, and Iโm still here. I found a home. And besides, Havoc is getting fat.โ
She whined and tilted her head at me.
โItโs okay, I like you with a little curve,โ I reassured her with a pat, well aware she had no idea what Iโd said in the first place. โAnd itโs only five pounds.โ
โOkay. If youโre sure, Iโll accept it. But if anything ever changes, you call me. Understand?โ
โYes, Sir. But nothingโs going to change.โ
He sighed. โYouโre a good man in a storm, Gentry.โ โFunny, thatโs not what you said when I was there.โ โCanโt have you getting a big head on me. Later.โ โLater.โ There was a click, and the line was dead.
I slipped my phone into my pocket, and then shut our lockers. Hers read, โHAVOC.โ
Mine read, โCHAOS.โ
Because under it all, I was still me, and once Iโd quit fighting it, I realized I was okay with that.
โHey, Tess said to haul you home if you need dinner,โ Mark offered as I hit the parking lot.
โI would, but Ella called earlier and said the kids want to have dinner, so Iโm headed to her place. Tell Tess thanks.โ
โSure thing. Howโs that going, anyway?โ he asked, just like every other week. Heโd become our not-so-silent cheerleader.
โSlowly, but going.โ
โFight the good fight.โ He waved as we both got into our vehicles.
Havoc settled into her seat, and I brought the truck to life. We drove home with the windows down, Havoc sticking her head out the window. It was an Indian summer, with temps still in the upper seventies, which meant the hikers were here later than usual for the season but, since Labor Day had passed two weeks ago, it was a little quieter in the lower portion of Telluride.
I hit a button on the dash, and Ellaโs voice filled my truck. โHey, you on your way?โ
โYep. Want me to grab the pizza?โ
โThat would be amazing.โ โIโll be there soon.โ
โOkay. Drive safe.โ She hung up, and I smiled. Not together, but we were good. Sure, the sexual tension was still there, and I loved herโthat was never going to changeโbut I was proving myself to Ella every day, and I couldnโt help but hope that one day it would be enough to repair what Iโd broken. But hey, Iโd lied to her for eleven months, and I was only seven months into my penance.
Truth was, Iโd wait forever.
In the meantime, it was like being married without the whole marriage part.
There were days I thought our second chance was within reach, and days she felt a million miles away. But neither of us dated anyone else, and I held on to that tiny sliver of hope that the times I caught her looking at me meant we were getting somewhere.
We had as much time as she needed.
I parked in front of the pizza shop and brought Havoc in with me while they pulled our order. The funny thing about putting down roots was that people knew me. Knew Havoc.
โHere you go, Mr. Gentry,โ the Tanners kid said, handing me three boxes. โHey, Havoc.โ
โGood game on Friday,โ I told him as I paid. โThanks! You coming next week?โ
โWouldnโt miss it,โ I said as I backed out of the doors with the pizza.
I waved at a couple of people I recognized and put the pizzas in the space between Maisieโs and Coltโs booster seats as Havoc jumped into the passenger seat. The twins would turn eight soon, which meant Iโd get a heck of a lot more space back in my truck. I eyed the smashed bag of Oreos in Coltโs cup holder and rolled my eyes.
That boy was going to be the death of me.
A few songs on the radio later, I pulled into Ellaโs driveway and popped the doors. Havoc flew, racing to greet the kids.
โBeckett!โ Maisie called out, running down the steps.
Her blond hair had grown back with a little curl to it and was now in a bob that lined up with the bottoms of her ears. Six glorious inches of non- chemo-treated hair. We were still holding our breath, watching her blood work and CT scans, but sheโd come through immunotherapy with flying colors, and now it was a waiting game while her body fought on its own.
โHiya, Maisie-girl,โ I said and hugged her with my free arm. โHow was school?โ
โGood! I aced another spelling pretest.โ
โArenโt you just the smarty-pants?โ I placed a kiss on the top of her head as we walked up to the porch. โWhat about you, Colt?โ
โI did not,โ Colt answered as he pushed his way in to hug me. โJust a pretest, my man. Weโll study, okay?โ
He nodded and got the door open for us. โI come bearing food!โ I bellowed.
โAh, the hunter-gatherer returns,โ Ella said with a smile as she came out of her office. โGood day?โ
โIt is now.โ My eyes swept down her white sundress, noting her tanned skin, curled hair, and mile-long legs. Damn, I missed her body. Missed the way she gasped in my ear, the way her back arched when I was inside her, the way we lost ourselves to each other. But we werenโt there yet, so I told my dick to settle down and took the pizzas to the kitchen. โThatโs a beautiful dress. Anything going on?โ
Sheโd been dressing up a little more lately. With Maisie going in for scans every week, then every other week, Ella had more time for herself, and it showed. Her skin glowed, her eyes were bright, and those were definitely not Yeti legs.
โOh, well, David Robins did ask me out for tonight.โ She ran her hand down my arm and gave me a wide-eyed, way-too-innocent-to-be-serious bat of her lashes. Holy shit, was she actually flirting with me?
Now I was equal parts amused, aroused, and jealous as hell.
I didnโt miss her little grin as the boxes slid from my hands onto the
counter, but I caught them before dinner ended up on the hardwood floor. Oh yeah, my girl was teasing me.
Robins had asked her out every month since weโd broken up. Pretty soon I was going to show up at his house and ask him out with my fist. Stupid pretty boy.
โOh?โ I tried to ask all nonchalant after I stopped fumbling with the boxes.
โWell, I know Jennifer Bennington asked you out when you had lunch with the kids today. Sheโs been after you sinceโฆwhat, the dawn of time?โ She switched sides, running her hand along the small of my back before she looked up at me with a knowing little smirk. She never touched me this much. I didnโt know what had gotten into her, but Iโd take it.
โDonโt poke the bear. You know I told her no today. Just like I tell her no every other time and will continue to tell her no.โ
She tugged on her bottom lip with her teeth and gave me a look I hadnโt seen in seven months. That look was going to get her on this counter in about ten seconds if she didnโt watch it.
โElla?โ
โWhat?โ She danced around the other side of the island. โDid you just twirl?โ Something was up.
โMaybe. Iโm in a good mood.โ
โApparently.โ I grabbed four plates out of the cabinet. โSo Iโm guessing youโre not eating with us,โ I teased, wanting to see how far sheโd go with it. โWhy did you tell her no?โ Ella asked, sliding up next to me. Her hair was loose down her back, and my fingers itched to weave through it and
feel the strands against my skin.
โYou know why.โ Yeah, we were good, but she was killing me. Slowly. Torturously. She looked up at me, so damn beautiful that my breath caught. I checked to make sure the kids were still outside before giving her a look of my own. โBecause Iโm still in love with you.โ
I told her at least once a week, let her know that I wasnโt just in this for the kids. Warned her that I wasnโt going anywhere, that our friendship was
great, but I was coming after her heart. I was trying out that whole blatant honesty thing.
Her lips parted, and if this had been eight months ago, I would have kissed her. Would have done a hell of a lot more than kiss her once the kids went to bed. But it wasnโt eight months ago, it was now.
โWell, I told David no, too.โ She smiled and spun away.
โAnd what was your reasoning?โ Shit, now I was smiling, too. The woman drove me insane, but yeah, I still loved her with every bone in my body. How could I not?
โYou, of course. We have dinner plans, right?โ she said from the edge of the kitchen headed for the front door.
It wasnโt a declaration of love. I hadnโt had one of those from her since the night weโd agreed to co-parent. But I was nothing if not patient.
โDinner!โ she called out after opening the door, and there was a rumpus of feet, both two-legged and four-legged.
โIโve got Havoc!โ Colt grabbed her food and filled her dish.
Maisie took plates full of pizza to our respective places at the table. As I watched everyone take their seats and Ella put a glass of sweet tea at the top of my plate, I realized nothing had really changed in our relationship except the physical aspect.
She was still my first phone call when something went right. I was still the one she leaned on when things went wrong.
She was at my side when Iโd found out another member of my unit had died last month.
We still sat in the same places at the table.
I carried in Ellaโs plate and put it in front of her. โCan I say grace?โ Maisie asked as I sat.
โItโs all yours.โ We joined handsโmine with Ella and Maisie, and Colt directly across from meโand bowed our heads.
โOur dear Heavenly Father, thank you for our day, and for everything youโve given us. For our home, and our family: Colt, and Mom, and Beckett, and Havoc. And thank you for Dr. Hughes. But especially, thank
you for making me cancer-free.โ
My head snapped up, my eyes flying to Maisie, who grinned at me, missing front teeth and all. She nodded, and I just about lost my shit. I turned to Ella, who had tears streaming down her face.
โNo evidence of disease. We got the call today.โ Her smile was huge as she laughed. Pure, sheer, unfettered joy.
โNo way!โ Colt threw up his hands in the classic victory sign. At least I wasnโt the last to know.
I pushed back from the table so fast that my chair crashed to the floor. Then I grabbed Maisie out of her chair and hugged her. She buried her face in my neck, and shudders wracked my body as I held her tight.
She was going to be okay. Sheโd made it. She was going to live. โBeckett?โ she asked.
โYeah, Maisie-girl?โ
โI canโt breathe,โ she squeaked.
I laughed and set her down. โWe finally get you to live, and now Iโm killing you off with my ultra-awesome hugs.โ
โMy turn!โ Colt snatched his sister, and the two jumped and hugged. โHey,โ Ella said from behind me.
I turned around, and she reached for my face, wiping away tears I hadnโt realized were there. Crossing the line, I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her close.
Much to my relief, she melted against me, her head fitting in that exact spot below my collarbone that was hers. She held me tight, her hands splayed on my back, and I rested my chin at the top of her head.
โSheโs going to be okay,โ I whispered. Ella nodded.
We stood there for long minutes while Colt and Maisie raced around the house shouting and laughing.
โGood surprise?โ Ella asked, pulling back just enough to look at me.
โThe best possible surprise. Ever.โ I cupped her cheek with my hand, letting my thumb caress her perfectly soft skin.
โFood!โ the twins called out, breaking our little spell.
We pulled apart and sat back down to the best lukewarm pizza Iโd ever had in my life.
โฆ
โLet me do that,โ I told Ella, taking over the dishes a couple of hours later. โColt okay?โ she asked, wrapping up the pizza.
โAfter I readย Where the Wild Things Areย for the tenth time, he was satisfied,โ I told her. โMaisie?โ
โOff to sleep without a fuss. I think sheโs emotionally exhausted.โ She leaned back against the counter and watched me slip the plates into the dishwasher.
โUnderstandable.โ I shut the dishwasher. โI canโt believe itโs over.โ
โYeah. Itโs so surreal.โ She looked off into space. โI mean, they told me the relapse rates, and theyโre high. Really high. So, it could come back. But if she makes it five years, then the chancesโโ
โElla,โ I interrupted, stepping in front of her and taking her face in my hands. โTake the good. Feel the happy. This is the best kind of good, and you did it. You got her here.โ
โYou got her here, too.โ Her voice softened, and she leaned against my hand.
โOkay, we got her here. So letโs take the happy.โ She rose up on her toes and kissed me.
My shock lasted all of a millisecond before I kissed her back. I moved my lips over hers, savoring each touch, because I never knew if Iโd get it again. When her lips parted, I took full advantage and deepened the kiss.
Her back hit the counter as my tongue swept into her mouth. Then her hands fisted in my shirt, her whimpers sweet in my ear as the kiss turned explosive. Over and over again I took her mouth, kissing her until she was arched against me, her breasts pressed into my chest.
I ripped my mouth away and stepped back. โElla.โ My breathing was
erratic, my heart thundered, and I was pretty sure if I didnโt readjust myself, Iโd be losing my dick to boxer-brief asphyxiation in a matter of minutes.
โBeckett.โ
โWhat are you doing?โ
โTaking my happy. Youโre my happy.โ She stalked forward. โWhat does thisโโ
She interrupted me with a soft kiss. โJust be my happy, and let me be yours. We can sort it out tomorrow.โ
If Iโd been stronger or a little less on an emotional high from Maisieโs recovery, I could have walked away. I could have said no and made her lay out our relationship status. I would have been more careful with my heart.
Three things.
One. I loved her.
Two. She was all I wanted, ever. So if this was all I could have with her, then I wasnโt turning her down. Hell no.
Three. Iโd use tonight to remind her exactly why we belonged together so tomorrow all weโd be sorting out would be where weโd live.
I gripped her ass in my hands and lifted her against me, kissing her deep and hard. โLock your ankles,โ I ordered against her mouth.
She did, wrapping her legs around my waist.
I kissed her up the stairs and down the hall, carrying her through the house like she was my ultimate prize. I didnโt stop when I shut the bedroom door and locked it behind us, or when I laid her in the middle of her bed.
She broke the kiss, fumbling with the belt on my jeans as I kicked off my shoes and stripped off my socks. Then my hands moved up her thighs, and my mouth followed, kissing every sensitive spot I knew she had.
โI missed this,โ I said against her skin.
โMe, too,โ she answered, her hands in my hair as I ran my teeth over her panties. โBeckett.โ Her hips rolled in my hands.
I made quick work of her little lace thong and had her dress over her head
โbra followingโwithin a minute max. Then she was naked, spread out before me with open arms and a smile.
Yeah, this was my happy, all right.
I removed the rest of my clothes and then covered her body with my own. โYouโre sure?โ I asked.
โIโm sure.โ She pulled me down for a kiss, and our mouths met in a fury of need. There was nothing gentle about itโthis was the result of months and months of denied need and heartache.
I kissed my way down her body as she wiggled beneath me. When I hovered over the apex of her thighs and gripped her hips, her fingernails grazed my scalp. โPlease, Beckett.โ
If she said my name like that again, Iโd be her willing servant for the rest of eternity. Especially if it meant in bed.
I set my mouth to her, and she bucked. I pinned her hips and relentlessly ate at her until she started calling my name again, her head thrashing on the pillow. Iโd missed this taste, the way her legs tensed when she was close, the pull of her fingers in my hair as she lost her mind. I drove her upward with my tongue, giving her no pause, no chance to escape what I knew was coming quickly.
When she started to shake, I pushed even harder until she came apart under my mouth, muffling her cry with her own fist. She was the sexiest, most sensual woman Iโd ever seen.
When her legs relaxed, I rose above her, taking a second to appreciate the glazed-over sheen to her blue eyes, her kiss-stung lips, and the flush in her cheeks. โYouโre beautiful.โ
Her smile was slow and somehow more intimate than what Iโd just done to her.
โIโd almost forgotten what it was like between us,โ she admitted. โOr I told myself I remembered it wrong.โ
โElectric.โ
โRemind me again.โ She drew her knees up, and I hissed as my erection slipped through her wetness to land at her entrance.
โPill?โ
โNever quit, and thereโs been no one else.โ
โYouโve been it for me since the first letter. Just you. Always you.โ I sank into her until she surrounded me.ย Home.ย โI love you, Ella.โ
She pulled my head to hers, and our mouths were done talking. As urgent as her first orgasm had been, I took my time now, drawing out every stroke, every time we came together only to retreat again. I used every ounce of skill and stamina I possessed to show her the way I felt about her with drugging kisses and slow, deep thrusts.
She met me move for move, our bodies arching together in perfect partnership until we built to a frenzy. When her body tightened around mine as her second climax took her, it was with my name on her lips and my heart in her hands. I followed almost immediately, collapsing on top of her and quickly rolling us to the side so I didnโt crush her.
โAre you okay?โ I asked, brushing her hair from her face. I was more than okay. I was perfect. Content. Whole. Home.
She gave me a sleepy stretch with a smile. โHappy. Really, really happy.โ โMe, too.โ
She rolled again so she was on top, grinning down at me, her hair a curtain that surrounded us. โI bet I can make you even happier.โ
Then we started all over again.