BECKETT
Letter #22 Chaos,
Ryan is dead. But Iโm sure you already know that. I honestly feel like Iโm just writing it out so it feels real.
Ryan is dead. Ryan is dead. Ryanโฆ
Nothing about it feels right. His body is still in Dover, being prepared for burial, and theyโve already told me that I canโt see him. In that way, Iโm hoping itโs all a cruel joke, that heโs not really in a box. That I donโt have to figure out where to bury my brother.
My mom. My dad. My grandmother. Ryan. Theyโre all gone, and yet Iโm still here. Is Maisie next? Is this what life really is? One tragedy after another? Or is this simply the way my life is going?
Colt and Maisie are devastated. Colt refused to speak yesterday after I told him, and Maisie hasnโt stopped crying. I, on the other hand, havenโt started crying. Not yet. Iโm terrified that once I start, I wonโt ever stop. Iโll just be this saltwater fountain who leaks misery.
Ryan was my best friend. My safe harbor in a storm. And now I feel like Iโm out on this endless ocean in the middle of a hurricane, and the waves are just waiting to capsize me and take me under.
I know this sounds crazy, but the only person I want right now is you. Youโre the only person Iโve been completely honest with these last few months. Youโre the only person who might understand the debilitating, soul-crushing grief that I canโt even begin to fathom. Because I know, as much as you swear you donโt know what family is, Ryan was your brother. He was your family.
Iโm just hoping you come for his funeral, because I know he would have wanted you here. I know I do. And if you canโt come, then I hope youโre not changing your plans. Please come to Telluride. Even if itโs just to get a cup of coffee with me. Please come.
~ Ella
โฆ
I read the letter for the hundredth time or so, and then put it back into my nightstand drawer. Iโd avoided that letter, and the two that had followed, for the last sixteen months, and now it was all I wanted to readโto hear her voice in my head.
If Iโd read it when sheโd sent it, instead of hiding it away, I would have come. I never could have denied her, and everything would have been different. Then again, Ryan would still be dead because of me, so maybe not.
I came down the stairs of my new house to find Havoc napping in the sun that came through the floor-to-second-story windows in my great room. Iโd had a section of the trees cleared so I could see the island that perched in the middle of the tiny lake. Luckily, with the angle my house was at, I couldnโt see Ellaโs house.
Maybe I was torturing myself keeping Ryanโs grave in sight, but knowing Ella was this close and so damn far was way worse. It had been over a month since sheโd walked out of my cabin. My things had arrived that afternoon. My entire role in Ellaโs life came down to four moving boxes.
As breakups went, Iโd expected screaming, shrieking, throwing things at me for what Iโd done, but her stoic silence was worse. Sheโd accepted that we were done, and now I had to move on without her and the kids.
God, I missed the kids. Falling for Ella had tied me to them in a way that was both a blessing and a curse. A blessing for all they taught me, for the love I hadnโt realized Iโd even been able to feel. A curse because Ella cut off all my access, as was her right. She didnโt trust me, and that extended to
the kids. Her heart was broken over me, but my heart was shattered over the loss of all three of them.
I sighed at the sight of my empty living room. I really needed to buy some furniture. I had the bedroom covered, and most of the kitchen stuff was being delivered daily, thanks to Amazon.com. But the rest of the furniture just didnโt seem important, because this was my house but for some reason didnโt feel like my home.
My phone rang as I opened the fridge to figure out some lunch.
โGentry,โ I answered, wondering who had gotten themselves lost this time. As spring came to the area, more hikers were showing up and getting altitude sickness, or lost, or breaking their bones in inconvenient locations.
โMr. Gentry? Iโm so sorry to bother you. This is Principal Halsen over here at the elementary school. I happen to have Colton in the office.โ
My stomach lurched. โIs he okay? Is he hurt?โ Why were they calling
me?
โNo, no. Nothing like that. He actually got into an altercation today with a classmate and needs to go home.โ
โA fight?โ No way. Not Colt. Sure, the kid got fired up, but Iโd never seen him get violent unless it was over Maisie.
โYep, a fight.โ
โWhoa. Did you call his mom?โ
โWe tried, but sheโs not answering, and Colt told us that sheโs in Montrose for one of Margaretโs therapies. I was hoping you might be able to come pick him up.โ
I pulled the phone away from my ear and checked the number, just to make sure I wasnโt being pranked. โPick him up?โ I asked slowly.
โYes. Policy demands that he go home for the day, and youโre the second name on his emergency contact sheet.โ
Shit. Ella hadnโt updated the kidsโ information yet. Which meant I might get to see Colt. I slammed the door on my excitement. Ella didnโt want me to see him, and I had no right to. โIs anyone else on the list?โ
โOnly Ada and Larry, and from what Iโm being told, theyโre on vacation
in Glenwood Springs for a few days.โ Which left me.
โYeah, Iโll be there in twenty minutes.โ He thanked me, and we hung up.
I hesitated for a second, my finger hovering over Ellaโs name on my contacts list, but I manned up and clicked the phone icon. It went straight to voicemail, not that I was surprised. Iโd tried to call a few times that first week and had the same result. Ella was done with me. Sheโd told me that lies were her hard limit, and she meant it.
โHey, Ella, itโs Beckett. Look, the school just called, and I guess Colt got into a fight and needs to be picked up. Iโm the only one on his list, so Iโm going to grab him. Let me know if you want me to drop him at the main house at Solitude or bring him up to Montrose. If I donโt hear from you, Iโll just bring him back to my house. I know you donโt want me to see him, but this is a little out of my control, so Iโm hoping youโll understand. Thanks.โ I hung up and rested the phone against my forehead. Even hearing the message on her voicemail was torture.
I left Havoc sleeping in the sunshine and headed out, driving along the dirt road that cut through the property. Within twenty minutes, I pulled up to the school. With all the butterflies in my stomach, I would have thought I was the one about to get it from the principal. Instead, I was about to get it from Colt.
I walked through the doors and signed the clipboard, then looked up at the receptionist. โHi, Iโm Beckett Gentry, Iโm here to pick upโโ
โColton MacKenzie,โ the young woman said with a smile. โI know who you are. We all do.โ She nodded toward a few other women who gathered around the desk behind her.
โAh, okay. So, can I get him?โ โOh, sure! Iโll buzz you in.โ
The buzzer sounded, and I walked into the school. The last time Iโd been here had been with Ella for Coltโs first grade play a couple of months ago. As recent as it felt, it also seemed like someone elseโs memory.
โThis way,โ the receptionist said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear and giving me a flirtatious smile. โIโm Jennifer, in case you donโt remember.โ
โJennifer, right. We met last year, right?โ She led me into the administration offices.
โYep! When you came in for search and rescue with your dog. I may have slipped you my number when you signed in.โ
โYes, I do remember that.โ I tried to force a smile. Ella and I hadnโt been together then, but it hadnโt mattered, and I hadnโt called Jennifer. โIโm sorry for not calling. I hope there are no hard feelings.โ
Jennifer touched my arm just outside the principalโs door. โNone. I was so sorry to hear that you and Ella broke up. If you ever need anything, or just want to talk, Iโm happy to give you my number again, just in case.โ
Oh boy.ย She looked so hopeful, and uncomplicated, and not Ella. โThanks, Iโllโฆkeep that in mind.โ It was the best I could do without
offending her.
โYou do that.โ She smiled again.ย A lot of smiling.ย I bet she was happy most of the time. That she wasnโt fighting to keep her kid alive, or dealing with the death of her brother and the betrayal of the man she loved. She was all shiny, like a new penny.
But in the last eighteen months, Iโd learned that I liked a little bit of tarnish. It gave depth to the lines and made the shiny parts all the more eye- catching. Ella was beyond beautiful for what sheโd been through. Tragedy hadnโt broken her, it had refined her.
Jennifer knocked and opened the door to the principalโs office, and I entered, my eyes immediately locking onto Coltโs.
His flew impossibly wide.
โPrincipal Halsen,โ I addressed the administrator, who motioned to the empty chair beside Colt.
I took it, sitting next to a very rigid Colt. Every line of his little body was tense, and his mouth was all pursed up. His hand gripped the armrest, and I reached over, giving him a reassuring squeeze. His posture softened the
slightest bit, but it was enough.
โMr. Gentry. Iโm so sorry to call you in here, but in this kind of incident when thereโs violence, we do need to send him home.โ
โCan you tell me what happened?โ I asked Colt. โHe attacked a classmateโโ
โIโd like to hear it from him, first, if thatโs okay,โ I interrupted Principal Halsen.
โWe were on the playground, and Drake Cooper wouldnโt leave Emma alone. She doesnโt like him.โ Colt kept his eyes forward. โShe told him to leave, and he wouldnโt, and he tried to kiss her.โ
Drake.ย Recognition hit me. Letter number three.
โIs this the same kid who went after Maisie with that kiss-tag stuff?โ I asked. It was the first time Iโd ever used something only Chaos would have known. Of course, Colt didnโt know that, didnโt realize that as I sat next to him. I felt an odd merging of the guy who had written those letters and the man who had adopted Colt.
โYeah. I guess he didnโt learn.โ โGuess not.โ
Principal Halsen gave me a disapproving look, which I blatantly ignored. โSo I pulled him away and hit him,โ Colt finished with a shrug. โHe tried
to hit me back, but I dodged.โ โNice,โ I said with a nod. โHeโs slow.โ Another shrug.
โMr. Gentry, as you can see, your son instigated violence in an unprovoked attack. Heโll be sent home today and suspended tomorrow. We have to send a message that this kind of violence isnโt tolerated.โ
โIโm not his son,โ Colt whispered.
Yeah, you are.
โRight, sorry, Colt,โ Principal Halsen corrected and sent me another pointed look. He knew about the adoption from the records point of view.
โI have no problem with taking Colt home or him being suspended. Youโre right, he did swing first. But my question is what youโre going to do
about Drake.โ
Coltโs head swung toward me in shock. โIโm sorry?โ Principal Halsen asked.
โMy guess is that youโve told Colt heโs purely at fault here, right? After all, he swung, he did what you thought was escalating violence.โ
โHe is in the wrong.โ
โMaybe. But so is Drake. And he was already in the middle of an act of violence, which Colt stopped.โ
โIโd hardly call playground antics like that violence,โ Principal Halsen scoffed. โDrake has been told that his actions are unacceptable. But you know how little boys with crushes are, Iโm sure.โ
I glanced at Colt, who had the same look on his face Ella did when she was about to blow a gasket.
โActually, I do. They act like Colt and protect the girls they like. What the other kid did, whether or not you see it, is wrong. And sure, you can brush it off as a playground antic, like Iโm sure youโve done for the last thirty years youโve been at this school. The problem isnโt this one time; itโs the pattern. You did nothing last year when it was Maisie. Now weโre here, and that kid is another year older. So sure, I can take Colt home and give him a stern talking to about when itโs appropriate to use force. But Iโll probably end up showing him how to throw a better punch, because one day that other kid will be sixteen, and it wonโt be just playground kisses heโs taking by force.โ
Principal Halsen dropped his jaw, and I stood. โThank you for bringing this to my attention. Iโll be sure his mother takes appropriate action. Colt? Ready to go? I think ice cream is in order.โ
Colt nodded, scooting off the chair and swinging his backpack over his shoulder. We walked out of the office, through the double set of doors, and into the brisk March air. Colt was silent as we climbed into the truck and he buckled into his booster seat.
I hadnโt removed it in the last month. That action seemed more permanent than when Ella had walked out of the cabin.
โYour mom hasnโt called,โ I said as I checked my phone. โSheโs in Montrose with Maisie,โ Colt answered.
โYeah. Who is taking care of you since Ada and Larry are on vacation?โ I pulled out of the parking lot and headed toward Solitude. Traffic wasnโt too bad this time of day, but as soon as the sun went down, it would be mayhem as usual during tourist season.
The fact that Iโd now lived somewhere long enough to recognize there was such a thing as tourist season was a revelation.
โHailey.โ
โOkay, want me to run you by the main house?โ I looked in the rearview mirror, but he was staring out the window. โColt?โ
โI donโt care.โ
Iโd never had three words cut me that quickly before. Of course he was mad at me. He had every right to be. โWell, I left your mom a message that if she didnโt call me back, Iโd take you to my house. Is that cool? Or would you rather go to Hailey?โ
This was a catch-22, and I knew it. More than anything, I wanted a few hours with him. I needed to know how he was, what was new in his life, if heโd made the spring league soccer team. I missed the twins just as much as I missed Ella. But I also knew this was against Ellaโs wishes, and I couldnโt just steal these hours.
โHow far away do you live?โ he asked, still watching the scenery go by. โI canโt get on a plane or anything. Mom would be really mad.โ
My heart lurched. โBud, I still live in Tellurideโโ
โYou do? I just thoughtโฆโ He shook his head. โI guess we can go to your house, that way you didnโt lie to my mom. She gets really mad if you lie.โ
I knew Ella was the kind of mom who wouldnโt go into that much detail of why we werenโt together anymore, but those words hit home just the same. โYou sure?โ
He nodded. โHaileyโs working, and the sub cook doesnโt like kids around. Ada doesnโt like her, anyway. And if itโs okay, Iโd really like to see Havoc.โ His tone was flat, as if heโd been deciding between broccoli and cauliflower
on his plate.
โYeah. Sheโd like that, too. So would I. I miss you, buddy.โ โOkay.โ He scoffed.
โI do, Colt.โ
He didnโt respond, and continued the silent treatment until we pulled onto the dirt road that began just on the edge of the Solitude property.
โWhere are we going?โ he asked. โMy house.โ
He leaned toward the window, checking out the property. โYou live back here?โ
โI do.โ We pulled into the small clearing where the house was built, and Coltโs head swiveled.
โYou live on the other side of the lake?โ
โYep. Pretty cool, right?โ I pulled into the garage and killed the engine. โSure.โ Colt grabbed his backpack and was to the house before I was.
I opened the door, and he flew inside, dropping to his knees where the mudroom met the kitchen and throwing his arms around Havoc.
She whined, her tail thumping on the floor as she laid her head on his shoulder, then the other. โI know. I missed you, too, girl,โ Colt said, rubbing behind her ears. โItโs okay.โ
I donโt know who was killing me more at the moment: Colt with his soft words or Havoc with her whines. Sheโd been the same way when Maisie came home from mega-chemo in December.
โIโve got ice cream in the freezer,โ I offered.
โNah. Iโm good. Letโs play!โ He ditched his bag after grabbing his jacket, and Havoc led him out the front door, her Kong already in her mouth.
I followed and sat on the front porch steps as Colt threw the toy on the shore of the lake. He was only thirty feet away, but man, heโd frozen me out so efficiently that it felt like miles.
After a few minutes, I walked toward them. โYou like it?โ I asked.
โYou canโt see my house from here,โ he said with another shrug.
โNope, itโs behind the island.โ
โIs that why you forgot about me?โ He flung the ball down the shore.
Yeah, I wasnโt going to survive a few hours with him at this rate. Ella would find me dead, Colt holding the shredded remains of my heart.
โI never forgot you, Colt. That would be impossible.โ
Havoc brought him the Kong, and he threw it harder, the motion more anger than exercise. โYeah, right.โ
โColt.โ I dropped to my knees and turned him toward me, then took a huge breath to steady myself. He had twin tear tracks down his cheeks. โI did not forget you.โ
โThen why havenโt you seen us? One day I went to school, and when I came home, Mom said you guys werenโt friends anymore, and that was it.โ
โBud, itโs complicated.โ I put my hands on his shoulders.
โThatโs what grown-ups say when they donโt want to explain stuff.โ He blinked, and another set of angry tears dropped.
โYou know what? Youโre right. Relationships between grown-ups are really hard to explain, but Iโll try. I messed up. You got that? Not your mom. This isnโt her fault, itโs mine. And I messed up so big that we broke up.โ
โBut you didnโt break up with me!โ he shouted. โOr Maisie! You just disappeared! And when I snuck out to see you, you were already gone. You left without a goodbye, or a reason.โ
โIโm right here,โ I promised, my throat tightening, nearly choking my words.
โBut I didnโt know that! You said you loved me and that we were friends.
Friends donโt do that.โ
โYouโre right. Colt, Iโm so sorry.โ I put every ounce of emotion I had into my words, hoping heโd realize how true they were. โI have missed you every single day. There hasnโt been a minute when I havenโt wanted to see you, or talk to you. What happened between your mom and me doesnโt mean that I donโt love you and Maisie. Itโs justโฆโ Why werenโt there words for this? Why couldnโt I explain things to him without placing blame
on Ella? It wasnโt her fault. It was mine. โComplicated,โ he finished.
โYeah. Complicated.โ
His anger faded, his mouth drooping into a profound, lip-trembling sadness. โI justโฆI kind of thought you were my dad. Or maybe you would be one day. And then you were gone.โ
This time his tears destroyed me. I yanked him against my chest, wrapping my arms around him. โMe, too, Colt. Nothing would have made me happier than to be your dad. You are the best little boy I could have ever imagined having. This isnโt your fault. Itโs not your momโs fault. Itโs my fault. So if you want to be mad, thatโs okay, but you have to be mad at me. No one else. Promise?โ
โI donโt want to be mad.โ He cried into my shirt. โI want you to fix it!โ โI wish I could. But there are some things too broken to fix.โ
He pulled back and glared at me. โMaisie was really broken, and you and Mom fix her. And she gets sick, and she cries, but Mom says sheโll get better if she fights, and then it will all be worth it.โ
โI know.โ I was usually really good at kid logic, but he was stumping me here.
โSo you canโt be more broken than Maisie and not try to fix it. You donโt see Maisie giving up, and itโs been forever.โ He dragged out the last word. โYou and Mom broke in a day.โ
โI really wish it was that simple, Colt.โ
โSo does Maisie. But sheโs brave enough to try.โ
I was seriously getting schooled in relationships by a seven-year-old. โYou know who you sound like right now?โ
He raised his eyebrows but didnโt answer. โYour Uncle Ryan. Just like him.โ
He looked out at the island and back to me. โOkay. So are you going to try to fix it? Or are you giving up?โ
Everything to Colt was so easy. He hadnโt seen the worst of humanity yet, what people were capable of doing to one another. Hadnโt seen what Iโd
done to his mom. Didnโt know that Iโd cost him his uncle. I loved Ella even more in that moment for not turning them against me.
โI can try, buddy. For you and Maisie, I can try.โ Iโd respected Ellaโs wish to disappear. Having taken away all her other choices, that seemed like the best way to honor her. Besides, it wasnโt like I deserved a second chance. But what if Iโd made a mistake? What if I should have pushed?
She would have pushed you right back.
โGood. Apologize. Girls like that.โ He gave me a nod and a pat on my shoulder.
โIโll keep that in mind. Anything else?โ
His forehead puckered for a moment, and then he gave me a smirk. โThey like it when you fight for them, too.โ
Man, I loved this kid.
โEmmaโs the one, huh?โ From what I remembered of Coltโs birthday party, sheโd been cute, kind, and smart, with big brown eyes and curly black hair a few shades darker than her complexion.
โSheโs got pretty skin.โ He nodded for emphasis.
I joined in on the nod, managing not to chuckle. โYou tell her that?โ
โNo!โ He looked around for a second, pondering. โMaybe when weโre twelve.โ
โPlaying the long game, gotcha.โ I stood as he turned and threw the Kong for Havoc again, who had been waiting patiently. โI think what you did for her today was pretty awesome. Itโs always good to protect smaller people. Maybe less hitting, though.โ
He nodded. โI got really mad.โ
โYeah, I get that, too. But thatโs a big part of being a man, knowing your strength and controlling your anger.โ
โIโm seven.โ
I almost laughed, realizing Iโd been in his life long enough to hear him preachย Iโm six.
โNot for long. You could have just pulled him off, and the result wouldnโt have been as satisfying but just as effective. Plus, no principal time.โ
โIโll keep that in mind,โ he said, echoing my words from earlier.
โSo what do you think about the house?โ Iโd built it for him, for Maisieโฆ for Ella. Ironically, weโd broken up right before I could surprise her with it.
Or maybe I just should have told her from the beginning, like everything else.
He looked up at the house, his brows drawn in appraisal. โItโs good. I like it.โ
โIโm glad to hear it.โ
โIt needs a tree house.โ He pointed over to a gathering of pine trees. โRight there would be good.โ
โNoted.โ
โAnd a zip line.โ
โNot going to give up on that one, are you?โ
โNever!โ He took off, chasing Havoc down the beach as my phone rang.
Ella.
โHey,โ I answered.
โWhat happened to Colt?โ she asked, her voice pitched. โIโm so sorry, I donโt have service in that wing of the hospital, and I missed all the calls and now school is closed. What a mess.โ
Her voice slid through me, soothing and cutting in one graceful move. โItโs okay.โ I cleared my throat, hoping to clear the gravel sound out.
โI canโt believe you went all the way there. How far away were you?โ โMaybe ten minutes?โ
โWait. Youโre still in Telluride?โ โI told you I wouldnโt leave.โ
Her breathing pattern changed multiple times, like she would start to say something and then change her mind.
โSo, Drake tried to kiss Emma,โ I said, โand Colt went after him.โ She groaned. โWhat a jerk. Drake, I mean. Not Colt.โ
โYeah, I know. I might have caused a little drama with the principal, though. I told him it was partially their fault for not putting a stop to it when it happened with Maisie.โ
โRight? They let that kid get away with murder. Wait, how did youโฆ?โ I heard her slight intake of breath as she realized how I knew.
โYour third letter.โ I felt the tone of our call change as my sins barged in between us, but I didnโt back away from it. โI told Colt it was great to stand up for the girl you like, but maybe a little less hitting.โ
โYeah. True.โ
Silence stretched between us, sad and heavy with the things weโd already said last month.
โSo, heโs playing with Havoc right now, but I can take him to Hailey if you want. Heโs suspended tomorrow.โ
โCrap, Iโm not due home until tomorrow afternoon, and Haileyโs watching him while Ada and Larry are away, but sheโs working all day tomorrow. I donโt mind him at the main house, butโโ
โBut the cook subbing in for Ada isnโt a big fan of kids. Colt told me.โ
โYeah, sheโs kind of mean. But really good, too.โ She sighed, and I could picture her smoothing her hair back, her eyes darting from side to side, trying to figure out what to do.
โI can keep him with me. I have the room, and Iโd love nothing more than to hang out with him. But I understand completely if you donโt want that, and Iโd be willing to bring him to Montrose, too.โย Or slice my heart open and bleed out, whatever youโd like.
A few seconds of silence passed, and I almost took it back, hating that Iโd put her in that kind of position.
โThat would be nice, and Iโm sure heโd love it. Heโs really missed you.โ Her voice dropped to a whisper. โMaisie, too.โ
โIโve missed them, too. Itโsโฆitโs been hard.โ
Iโve missed you every second, so much it hurts to breathe.
โYeah.โ
More silence. I would have given anything to see her in that moment, to hold her, to fall at her feet and make whatever sacrifice she demanded.
โLook, Iโll call Solitude and let Hailey know, and Iโll be there around five tomorrow. Is that okay?โ
โNo problem.โ
โThank you, and Iโm glad youโre still here, I mean there. In Telluride.
Okay. Bye, Beckett.โ
โElla.โ I couldnโt bear to say goodbye, even if just for a phone call.
The line went dead, and I looked over at Colt. I had twenty-four hours with him. I did what any rational man would. I called in to work and made the most of every minute.