ELLA
This wasnโt happening. I simply refused to believe that any of this was real. But those were my letters on the table, along with the pictures and notes the kids had sent to Chaos.
Beckett.
I looked again, just to make sure I hadnโt lost my mind. Nope. Just my heart.
โHow? Why? You told me he was dead!โ The words flew out without any pause for him to explain. Maybe it was because I honestly didnโt want to hear it. I didnโt want my tiny little glass bubble of contentment to shatter.
โI never said that. I told you that knowing what happened to Ryanโto me
โwas only going to make you hurt worse than you already did.โ His hands gripped the back of the chair. Lucky for him, having something to hold on to when I was in free fall.
โHow? When youโreย alive!โ I shouted. โHow could you let me think you were dead? Why would you do that to me? Is this all some kind of joke? God, the things you knew about me when you showed upโฆwhy, Beckett?โ
Sensing the tension, Havoc got up, but it wasnโt Beckett she sat next to, it was me.
โIt isnโt a jokeโnever was. I didnโt tell you because I knew once you figured out who I was, what had happened, you would throw me out. Deservedly so. And when you inevitably did, I wouldnโt be able to help you. I wouldnโt be able to do the one thing Ryan asked of me, which was to take care of you.โ
โMy brother. All of this was for my brother? Did you sleep with me for him, too? Just to keep me close? Make me fall for you?โย How much of us was a lie?
โNo. I fell in love with you way before Ryan died.โ
โDonโt.โ I backed up, needing distance and air. Why was there no air?
My chest hurt so badly that the simple act of breathing took concentration. โItโs true.โ
โItโs not. Because if youโd loved me then, you never would have let me believe you were dead. You wouldnโt have left me alone at the worst time in my life, and then shown up a few months later as someone else. You lied to me!โ
โBy omission, yes, I did. Iโm so sorry, Ella. I never wanted to hurt you.โ He looked convincingly sincere, but how could he be when heโd been lying to me for eleven months?
โI mourned you. I cried, Beckett. Those letters were special to me,ย you
were special to me. Why would you do that?โ
He stood there silent and stoic, and my disbelief and shock transformed into something darker and more painful than Iโd ever imagined.
โTell me why!โ
โBecause Iโm the one who got Ryan killed!โ His roar was guttural and raw, as if the admission had been ripped from him unwillingly. The silence that followed was louder than either of our voices had been.
Havoc abandoned me, taking her place at his side. Havoc and Chaos.
How very perfect they were for each other.
โI donโt understand,โ I finally managed to say.
Beckett bent slightly, rubbing Havocโs head in a way Iโd seen him do hundreds of times. It wasnโt for her, but to soothe him. She was his working dog and his therapy dog all in one.
โDo you remember when I told you that I killed a child?โ โYes.โ I wasnโt likely to forget something like that.
โIt was on the twenty-seventh of December. That intel didnโt pan out, and I lost it. You tell yourself that youโre the good guy. Youโre there to stop the terrorists, to give the civilians back the country they deserve, that weโre keeping our country safe. But seeing that little girl die at my handโฆit broke something in me. I couldnโt stop thinking about her, about what Iโd done, or what I could have done differently.โ He rubbed his hands over his face but
pulled it together.
My stupid heart swayed toward him, despite everything heโd done. Iโd seen firsthand what those nightmares did to him. The rest of him might be a lie, but I knew this was true.
โThe next night, new intel came in, and we had orders. Half of the squad was tasked to go, me included, but the thought of putting my hand on my weapon literally made me vomit. I knew I was a danger not only to myself and the mission but to my brothers. I went to Donahue and pulled myself off the line. I know that sounds simple, but itโs not. Itโs admitting to your brothers that you donโt belong with themโthat youโre broken. Donahue agreed and said I needed a few days of downtime to get my head straight.โ
โThatโs understandable,โ I said softly.
โDonโt do that. Donโt pity me. Because when I pulled myself off the line, there was an empty slot, and Ryan took it.โ
I breathed through the pain like Iโd learned to when Mom and Dad died. All Iโd wanted since those men showed up at the door was my brother back, but I would have settled for knowing what happened to him. Now that door was cracked open to the truth, and I was torn between longing to know and the clawing need to slam it shut and continue on in ignorance.
โHe took your place.โ Just saying the words sent a torrent of emotion coursing through me. Pride that Ryan had stepped up. Anger that heโd put himself in harmโs way one time too many. Gratitude that Beckett had lived. But the sadness overwhelmed it all. I missed my brother.
โHe took my place.โ Beckettโs jaw flexed as he drew a shaky breath. โDuring the mission, he was separated from the rest of the squad. They acquired the target, but Ryan was gone. Chatter indicated capture.โ
My eyes burned with the familiar sting of tears. Keeping them closed, I brought a memory of Ryan to mind, laughing with the kids by the lake, skipping rocks. Giving up on teaching them finesse and just going for the splash contest. Alive. Healthy. Whole. I gripped that mental picture so tight I could almost feel the water on my skin. Then I opened my eyes. โTell me the rest.โ
He shook his head as his fists clenched. โYou donโt want to know the rest.โ
โYou lost the right to tell me what you think I need. Now finish it.โ This was like Maisieโs mega-chemo, right? Blast out everything in one powerful, excruciating procedure, and then rebuild.
โGod, Ella.โ He looked up at the ceiling and then down at my letters before dragging his gaze back to mine. โHe was tortured. It took us three days to find him. When they told me he was missing, I pulled myself together, and Havoc and I went hunting. Radio chatter, sourcesโฆthey all came up blank after that first night. I even searched the internet, thinking if theyโd killed him, they would have posted it online.โ He hissed. โSorry, that didnโt need to be said.โ
โIt all needs to be said.โ
He nodded. โOkay. We finally got some intel off a group of kids, goat herders a little ways outside the town. We rode out, but by the time we got there, the compound was empty. Havocโฆshe found Ryan about fifty yards away.โ
โHe was dead,โ I guessed.
โYes.โ His face contorted, his eyes darting from side to side, and I knew he was lost to the memory. โYes, he was dead.โ
โTell me.โ
โNo, it wonโt help you sleep, Ella. Trust me, itโs the stuff of nightmares.
The stuff of my nightmares.โ
Did I really want to know? Would it help in any way? Would I regret passing up this one chance I had? โGive me the basics.โ After this, I might never see Beckett again, and no one else in that unit was going to tell me anything.
โBasics? There was nothing basic about it.โ His expression shifted every few seconds in the set of his mouth, the puckering of his forehead, the tension in his jaw. โWe found him stripped of his uniformโdown to his boxers and tee. Theyโdโฆworked him over something awful.โ
The first tear escaped, streaking my cheek with fresh, ugly grief.
โEllaโฆโ The anguished whisper was nothing like Iโd ever heard from Beckett.
โGo on.โ I blinked, sending another stream of wetness down my face without bothering to wipe it away. If Ryan had endured all of that, then I could cry for him without the social niceties of clean cheeks. โThey wouldnโt let me see him. They said the remains werenโt suitable for viewing.โ
โHeโd been shot in the back of the head, and that kind of woundโโ โExecuted.โ
โYes. Thatโs our best guess. They did it in a hurry when they heard us coming, andโฆleft him as they escaped into the hills.โ
I nodded, the motion sending wetness onto my shirt. โWhat next?โ
He pulled out the chair and collapsed into it, deflated, with his hands over his face.
I should have felt guilty for putting him through thisโmaking him tell me. But even after what heโd put me through with his lies, all I felt was an unexplainable connection to the man I loved, who had been there and recovered my brother. In a strange, horrible way, that pain connected us in a bond I was both terrified and desperate to sever.
โPlease, Beckett.โ
His hands fell listlessly to his lap as he slouched back in the chair. When he looked at me, misery was etched in every line of his face and deadened eyes.
โHe was gone, but warm, and I flipped him over, thinking I could start CPR, but I couldnโt. There wasnโtโฆโ He shook his head. โI canโt. I just canโt.โ His eyes shifted like he was pushing fast forward in his mind. โThe helo came, and we evacโed him. I took his dog tagโIโd known heโd wanted you to have itโand sat with him all night before the plane came, and then Jensen brought him home to you. I was deemed too valuable to the mission to be given leaveโespecially now that our objective had changed to Ryanโs killers.โ
โDid you find them? I donโt know why that seems important; itโs not like
thereโs really any justice in war.โ
โYes. We did. And do. Not. Ask.โ His eyes turned hard and dangerous, and I saw him againโthe man who was capable of compartmentalizing everything. I saw the storm in his eyes, the way his fists balled. This was Chaos.
And at one time, Iโd had true, deep feelings for him.
โDid you get the other letters? The ones I sent after?โ I needed to know. Theyโd never been returned. Those letters had been testaments to my pain. Had he read them and simply turned away?
โYes. But I couldnโt bring myself to read them. Couldnโt make myself lift a pen and tell you what happened, not that I was even allowed to. Iโd fallen for you, this incredible woman Iโd never even met. Iโd never felt love before, not in that way, and all I wanted to do was protect you.โ
โBy ghosting me? By making me think youโd died alongside my brother?โ
โBy not doing anything that would bring an ounce more of pain into your life. I break everything and everyone, Ella. Thatโs why they call me Chaos. It was given to me long before the military, and once I came to your brotherโs defense in a bar fight and the nickname came to light, it stuck there, too. Rightfully so. I bring destruction everywhere I go. I hadnโt even met you yet, and Iโd already cost you Ryan. The last surviving member of your immediate family died because I couldnโt get my shit together long enough to do my mission. I am the reason heโs dead. Did you want to keep writing to the man who got your brother killed? Should I have lied to you then, instead? You donโt give second chances when it comes to your family, remember? Even if I told you the truth, and you somehow forgave me, then keeping up with our letters, knowing I had caused his death, and that I might be the next notification you got? I couldnโt do it. You deserved to cauterize that wound and move on.โ
โMove on?โ I paced back and forth along the end of the table, my energy suddenly too much to contain standing. โMy daughter had just been diagnosed with cancer, my brother was dead, and I had no one. Ryan left
me because he had to. Youย choseย to.โ
โIt was far better for you to think I died than to know the man youโd been so kind to befriend was responsible for Ryanโs death.โ
โGo to hell.โ I turned and headed toward the door, only to stop before I made it out of the great room. โWhen did you decide to come here? To carry on the lie?โ
โDonahue gave me Ryanโs letter right before I was due to get out. He keeps all of our last letters. I had already chosen to stay inโthere was nothing else for me. But I read the letter, and I knew I had to come. Even if it shredded my soul to be this close to you and never tell you who I was, or that I loved you, I had to come. I was the reason he was dead. I couldnโt very well deny my best friend the only thing he ever asked of me.โ
โSo you decided to lie.โ Heโd invaded my life, my heart, every molecule of my existence under false pretense. โKnowing what my father had done, what Jeff did, you still chose to lie to me.โ
โI did.โ
I leaned against the wall, my heart demanding I walk out the door and save whatever was left of it, while my brain fought to get every answer I could before the heartbreak consumed me. Even Jeff walking out hadnโt hurt this bad, because I hadnโt loved him like this.
I loved Beckett to the depths of my soul, in a way that consumed even the smallest bits and shadowed places Iโd kept hidden from everyone else. Even the love I had for my kids connected to the way I loved Beckett, because he loved them, too.
โDid you ever think about telling me?โ I turned my head slowly, somehow finding the strength to look at him.
โFrom the first moment I saw you,โ he admitted, having moved to lean against the end of the kitchen counter, the same one weโd made love on for the first time. โIt was always on the tip of my tongue, especially when you asked about Chaos. I saw the pain you were in, and part of me wondered if maybe youโd fallen for him the same way I had for you.โ
โAnd still you let me believe heโyou were dead.โ I didnโt answer the
implied question.
โI would get so jealous of myself, wondering why you had opened up to me when I was just a letter, but the real me had no chance. I knew from the beginning that telling you would lead to the moment weโre having right now, when you would inevitably kick me out of your life, and that meant I couldnโt do what Ryan asked and what you needed. The lie was the only way to help you. So I accepted that I would never be more to you than the guy your brother sent.โ
โAnd then I fell in love with you.โ Foolish, stupid, naive heart.
โYou gave me a glimpse of the life I never thought I could have. You showed me what it meant to have a family and people who show up, and I did my best to show up for you. I canโt thank you enough for the last eleven months, and I canโt begin to explain how immeasurably sorry I am for what Iโve done to you, and what Iโve cost you. Ella, youโre the last person I would ever want to hurt.โ
โBut you did.โ That hurt was an avalanche headed my way. I felt the rumble in my soul, saw the chilled powder descend over my common sense, even heard the warning sirens in my head. Iโd fallen in love with this man, and heโd lied to me every day for the last eleven months.
Jeff promised heโd love me forever. He pretended to be something he wasnโt, and then he walked out.
Ryan promised me weโd always take care of each other. He joined the military and came home in a box.
My father promised he was just going TDY for a week or twoโฆand never looked back. Never even asked for visitation.
BeckettโฆChaos. What else had he lied about? Could I believe anything heโd said in the last year? Had he lied to the kids? Was he even telling me the truth now? Or just what he thought might earn him my mercy? Could I believe anything heโd ever tell me again?
โI am so very sorry. Forgiveness, or even understanding, isnโt something Iโm expecting from you. Iโm in no way worthy of it, or you. I never was.โ
My heart started screaming. I was near the end of whatever strength I had
and needed to get out of here before I had a complete breakdown. The look in his eyes kept my feet glued to the floor. There was no plea, no terror over what was happening to us, just sorrowful acceptance. Heโd always known we would end up here. He put us through it anyway.
Was there any way to come back from this? I loved this man, and he loved me. That was worth fighting for, right? But how toxic would we be if we ever found a way past it? I would never forget what heโd doneโit would always linger over us like an ominous cloud, raining down poison.
โI need to ask you one last question.โ
โAnything,โ he answered. How could a face so beautiful mask so much deception?
โEverything you didโthe adoption, our relationship, Maisieโs graduation, Coltโs tree houseโwas that because of Ryanโs letter?โ My breath caught in my chest, waiting for his answer. As much as heโd hurt me, I needed to know that we were real, that I hadnโt been that stupid.
โNo. Ryanโs letter got me here. I wouldnโt have come without it. But the rest, Ella, that was all because I love you. Because I love Colt and Maisie. Because for this brief, shining moment, you were my family, my future, and it looked a lot like forever. I didnโt do all of that for Ryan. I did it for you. For me.โ
The ten feet between us stretched endlessly and yet felt like nothing as I debated my next move. There were equal parts of love and lies between us, but my anger over his betrayal overshadowed it all.
I still loved himโboth sides of himโbut Iโd never be capable of trusting him again. Without trust, what good was love? How could you build a life with someone if you had to question the truthfulness of everything they said and did?
โItโs not enough.โ Once the words were spoken, I felt their truth ring in my soul. โYouโve looked me in the eye for nearly a year and lied to me. I shared everything I had with youโmy heart, my soul, my body, and even my familyโand you couldnโt even be truthful about who you are. I donโt know how to even process that. I donโt know what parts of youโparts of us
โare lies or truths. I want to be strong and say that weโll get past it, because we love each other so much, but I donโt think thatโs possible. Not now, anyway. I donโt have enough strength left in me for this. Ryanโs death took it. Maisieโs diagnosis took it. I should have known youโd take it, too, but I trusted you, and now I donโt have anything left to give.โ
My hand along the wall steadied me as I walked toward the front door. The sunlight streamed in through the glass pane, beckoning me like a promiseโif I could just get out of here somewhat intact, Iโd be okay. Because I had to be. I had Colt and Maisie to take care of. I didnโt have the luxury of falling apart like some lovesick girl.
I didnโt have the luxury of forgiving Beckett.
โI understand.โ His voice came from right behind me as my hand gripped the door handle. I felt his nearness, that palpable electricity that had always sparked between us, and knew if I turned heโd be right there. โIf you need anything, Iโm still here.โ
My eyes burned again, but this time it wasnโt grief over Ryan, but Beckett. The feeling was similar, knowing Iโd lost the person Iโd loved most.
โI think it would be best if you left.โ I spoke directly to the door. Beckett remaining in Telluride would only give me time to fall right back into him
โand I couldnโt survive another lie. I couldnโt be strong for my kids when Beckett brought me to my knees, and they came first. Always. โIโll have your things boxed from my place and sent over. I donโt ever want to see you again.โ
As surely as if Iโd cauterized the wound with a branding iron, every nerve in my body cried out with pain, sharp and nauseating. Without waiting for his response, I walked out of the cabin and didnโt look back.