BECKETT
Letter #4 Chaos,
David Robins asked me out today. Who is David Robins, you’re probably asking? He’s actually quite the catch around here. Twenty- eight, good-looking, firefighter, all the romance novel stuff. Any girl in her right mind would have said yes.
Of course, I said no. I told you once, I don’t have time for men, and nothing’s changed in the last six weeks that we’ve been writing each other. I’ve finally got Solitude ready to take the world by storm, and I just can’t afford the distraction.
But then, sometimes when I’m lying in bed at night, I wonder if that’s all it is. Of course I didn’t date while I was pregnant. Sure the divorce went through, but I had bigger matters on my mind. When Colt and Maisie were born, that first year was a blur between feedings and teething and two babies on two schedules. Sure, they’re cute now, but they weren’t so cute at two a.m., I promise. Then they were toddlers, and I was still running around like a chicken with my head cut off, or a single mom with twins—whatever. Now they’re in kindergarten, and I feel like I’m finally getting my feet under me.
But I still said no when David asked me.
What the heck am I waiting for? It’s not like I need a lightning bolt. I’m not a silly romantic girl anymore. I know there’s more to a great relationship than chemistry.
But I also don’t want to end up the crazy cat lady down the street. I’ve honestly never been a cat person, so that would probably be an issue at some point.
What about you? Is it difficult dating when you’re gone so often? Is it
something you think about? Happy single? It’s got to be hard trying to start something when you’re usually halfway around the world, huh?
~ Ella
…
She looked so peaceful while she slept. Usually Ella was going a mile a minute—always somewhere she needed to be or something she needed to do, but while she slept, everything about her relaxed.
She deserved to look like this all the time.
I looked past her sleeping face to the clock. Seven thirty a.m. I hadn’t slept this late, or this well since…I couldn’t even remember when. No nightmares and no runaway thoughts, just Ella and sweet, blissful sleep.
Havoc woke, shaking off her sleep, and laid her head on the bed.
As quietly as possible, I got up, grabbing a pair of sweat pants and putting them on. We might have been secluded out here, but I really didn’t want to shock the hell out of any guests who might be taking a morning stroll around the lake.
We made our way through the house, and I opened the door on the back deck. Havoc ran out and was already to the woods by the time I made it down the steps to the patio beneath.
The stones were cold on my bare feet, but I stood there anyway, letting the chill take the warmth of my bed. Cold meant it was real. Ella was upstairs in my bed. I’d spent last night showing her exactly how I felt about her, and if Havoc hurried up, I might be able to sneak back into bed and show her again.
She loved me.
The joy that I felt at that knowledge was tempered by my guilt from knowing that I didn’t deserve it. I’d won her love by default, because she only knew this side of me—I’d kept the other carefully tucked away. Hidden like the dirty little secret it was.
“What do I do now?” I asked Ryan, looking out toward the island.
I’d pushed her away until I’d broken, my self-control next to nothing when it came to that woman. If I’d been a better man, I would have sent her away last night. Would have stopped after that kiss. I definitely wouldn’t have taken her on the kitchen counter, and then in my bed, and in my shower. A better man would have told her the secret then, now that the adoption was done and Colt and Maisie were protected financially.
A better man would have come clean and taken the consequences. Clearly, I was not the better man.
I hadn’t told her because I didn’t want to lose the look from her face. Didn’t want to lose the warmth of her love, her body, her heart. I wasn’t ready for my dream to be over yet. Hell, I didn’t tell her because I was selfish and in so deep now that there was no getting out.
Havoc ran back to me, and I rubbed her behind the ears. “Shall we grab some breakfast?”
We walked up the deck stairs and through the sliding glass door.
“Oh!” Ella paused with her butt in the air, trying to get her shoe on. “Good morning?” She was already dressed in what she’d worn on our date, her hair pulled up in a knot, and her cheeks rosy from sleep and sex.
“Was that a question? Because I happen to think it’s a pretty great morning.” I walked through the living room to where she stood at the edge of the kitchen.
“Well, yeah. I mean, I think so?” She gave me an awkward smile that would have made any rom-com director proud.
“But you’re not sure?”
Her eyes ran down my chest and back up, her cheeks turning an even deeper shade of pink. “No, I’m sure. It’s a good morning.”
Holy crap, she was embarrassed. My Ella, who didn’t care what anyone thought of her, was all sorts of discombobulated in my kitchen at seven in the morning.
“Coffee?” I asked, letting my hand slide around her waist to her back as I passed by her.
“Oh. I have to get home. I’m sure the kids are up and…all that.” She
started looking around the counter, moving the coffee maker to the side. “Ella, what are you looking for?” I asked.
“My keys? I know I had them, right? Because I drove over, but I don’t remember what happened to them once I walked in. I got distracted, I guess.”
I reached for her hand, taking hold of it and turning her to face me. “You didn’t have them when you walked in. My guess would be that they’re in your car.”
“Oh no! What if someone stole it!” She started to move, but I blocked her path with a side step.
“Honey, we’re in the middle of nowhere. No one stole your car.”
Her eyes closed. “Why would I leave them in the car? Because that’s what mature adults do, right? They leave their keys in the car while they run off and do whatever it is they want.”
She was so flustered and cute, but I knew what was triggering the minor meltdown, and we had to sort it out. Now.
“Open your eyes. Ella. Please.”
Slowly her lashes fluttered, and those baby blues looked up at me. “What?”
“I’m in love with you. I was in love with you before we slept together, and I’ll be in love with you for the rest of my life if my heart is any indication. Nothing about last night changed that. I’m me. You’re you. We’re…whatever you want us to be.”
“What are we?”
“What do you want us to be?” My chest tightened, waiting for her to answer. Whatever she wanted, I’d give her.
“What do you want us to be?” She turned the tables.
Suddenly I saw every discussion over what we’d be having for dinner for the next fifty years. “I want you. I told you that last night.”
“You wanted sex. It’s daylight now, and I’m not holding you to whatever you said last night. And I know this has got to be the most awkward morning-after ever, so I’m sorry, but I don’t have a lot of experience in this
department.” She pulled her trembling lip between her teeth.
“I want you. All of you. Trust me, getting to put my hands on you is a pretty big perk, because I’m not sure if anyone told you or not, but you’re incredibly gorgeous. But I want more than a night of you in my bed. Or on the kitchen counter.”
I guess she really could turn a deeper shade of pink. I hadn’t thought it possible.
“So where does that leave us?”
“Well, my day is clear. So I figured we’d pound on the clerk and recorder’s office until they opened on Monday, and then we’d immediately marry.” Her jaw dropped, and I couldn’t help but continue. “Unless you’re more of a hop-a-flight-to-Vegas girl, in which case, I’m down. Then we’re moving to my small yet loyal cult of doomsday followers. I’ve already made preparations for you and the kids in the fallout shelter, where you’ll tend grapes.”
She blinked, her mouth still agape.
“Unless you’d rather be assigned to the goats.” Thank God for all the nights Ryan had made me play poker; I was able to keep a straight face.
“You’re kidding.”
“Yes.” I took her face in my hands.
“Oh, thank God.” Her entire frame relaxed.
“I figured we’d date. Like normal people. Look, you waited for marriage to sleep with your first, so I know what it means to you. And if you wanted to go get married today, I would absolutely—”
“Don’t finish that!” She put her hand over my mouth. “Dating is good. I like dating.”
I kissed her hand, and she let it fall away.
“Okay. Then we’re dating.” My smile was so wide it hurt my cheeks. “Exclusively,” she said with a nod.
“Twist my arm, why don’t you?” I bent for a kiss, and she stepped back with that don’t-mess-with-me look she was so fond of. “Exclusively,” I agreed. “Ella, there’s a reason I haven’t been with anyone since I came
here.”
“Oh, because you’re out of shape and wanted to tone up a little first?” She gave me a mocking head tilt.
“Ha. Because from the moment I saw your face and heard you speak, you were the only one I wanted. You ruined me for anyone else before you ever knew my name.” She’d ruined me from the second she’d said she regretted writing in pen. She’d had every ounce of my soul when I finished that first letter. “Now that I’ve had a night with you, I don’t want only one. I want them all, and I’m willing to take whatever you want to give me.”
She looked torn for a second and then sighed in frustration. “That was
really good. I don’t have anything that awesome to say. I just love you.”
I kissed her softly, a simple caress of our lips, because I couldn’t help myself. “That’s the most awesome thing you could have said. Trust me. It’s not something I’m used to hearing.” Or anything I deserved, but I was the asshole who was going to take it.
“What do we tell the kids about us? I know that’s not usual first-date conversation, but we’re not exactly usual.”
“I’ll take my lead from you. Whatever you want to tell them, we’ll tell them.”
She brought her arms around my neck. “Well, I mean, you are their father.”
“Have to say that I love hearing that, too.” Even if it’s just between us. I knew this wouldn’t change the way she felt about keeping the adoption secret, and that was okay. For the first time since I arrived in Telluride, I felt like I had time. Time to win her over, time to earn her trust.
“Okay, we’ll tell them we’re dating. It’s not like we’d be able to hide it around them for long anyway.” She pressed against me.
“And why is that?”
“Because I have no idea how to not kiss you all the time now that I know how incredibly good at it you are.” Her fingers curled in my hair.
“Now look at who’s saying all the awesome things.”
Then I reminded her exactly how good at it I was. Until she stole every
thought from my head, and I was once again at her mercy.
…
Were people allowed to be this happy? It seemed almost unnatural to have this as my new normal. I woke up, went to work, had dinner with Ella and the kids, and stole kisses when they weren’t looking.
I hadn’t been lying when I said I could kiss her forever. She was a thousand different kisses in one woman, the soft and tender, the deep and passionate, the hard and desperate. I never knew who I was taking in my arms, and yet they were all Ella.
Everything was Ella.
I’d taken a leap of faith and reserved my cabin indefinitely. Ella had protested the cost, but I’d handed Hailey my credit card with a smile. Indefinitely wasn’t forever, and I’d already found the perfect place to start on something more permanent.
Turned out I’d gotten some sound investment advice from a friend, and the location was perfect.
“What do think about a zip line?” Colt asked from the back of Ella’s cabin, staring up at the tree house we’d spent the last ten days building.
“I think that’s something you’d need to ask your mom about, because I’m so not getting into that fight.” I ruffled the short, buzzed locks of his hair. He’d stopped shaving it the month Maisie had gotten to skip chemo, and it was growing back quickly.
It had been a month since I’d adopted the kids, and eleven days since Ella had taken Maisie to Denver for her first MIBG treatment.
“I’d wear a helmet!” he argued.
Stay strong, I reminded myself. It had been just Colt and me for the last eleven days, with some help from Ada and Hailey, of course, and I was surprised he wasn’t ruling the roost yet. Probably because he’d spent more than half of those days in school.
“Oh, I don’t think that would even be a debate. Stop pushing your luck,
kid.”
He sighed. “Fine. But what about a dirt ramp for my quad?” Huh. Now that idea had some merit. “Hmmm.”
He saw my weakness and pounced, revealing that grin. “You know what?”
“What?” I asked with my hand on his shoulder.
“I think I was right. You know, back at the soccer game.”
I tried to think of which game he was referring to out of the dozens he’d had so far. “About what?”
“This is what it feels like to have a dad.” Oh shit, I was going to cry.
“Well, maybe not every dad. I know Bobby’s dad couldn’t build this. And Laura’s dad is really cool, too; he flies planes. Maybe all dads are just cool in different ways, you know? Like some dads aren’t even, you know… dads.”
“Yeah,” I said softly, because I couldn’t think of another word. My brain was mush, right along with my heart.
“I’ve put a lot of thought into this.” He gave me a serious nod. “I can tell. I love you, little man.”
“Yeah, I love you, too. And I’d really like a dirt ramp.” I laughed as Ella pulled into the driveway.
“Mom’s home!” Colt ran up the hill, Havoc happily chasing him, and me at their heels. Funny how I’d been deployed for a year, sometimes more, and yet the last eleven days seemed longer than any of that.
Time moved slower when you missed the person you love.
I got to the driveway in time to see Ella hop out of her car and hug Colt. Then she rubbed Havoc’s ears and cooed something at her before standing back up and pushing her sunglasses to the top of her head.
“Hey, you.” She smiled, and my chest threatened to explode. I loved her more now than I had a month ago, or even four months ago. I didn’t know how my heart was going to contain all of this emotion if it kept growing at this rate.
I picked her up and kissed her, feeling the rush of home like I always did when our lips touched. “I missed you.”
She held my beard-rough cheeks and kissed me again. “I missed you.”
“Yeah, we get it. You missed each other.” Colt laughed, already throwing open the back door. “Do you glow? Do you have superpowers?”
“I don’t think so,” Maisie answered, her voice quieter than usual.
“How do you know? Did you check? You might have spidey senses.”
I set Ella down and headed toward the open door, where Maisie was swinging her feet out. She landed and was instantly enveloped by Colt, who was now a good two inches taller than her.
“I missed you!”
“Me, too,” she said softly, laying her head on his shoulder.
I looked over at Ella, who gave me a tight-lipped, sad smile.
“I have so much to show you!” He tugged her hand, and she nodded, starting to walk after him down to the tree house, no doubt.
“She’s tired,” I said to Ella, taking her hand as we followed the kids. “Exhausted. She had a transfusion while we were there, but her appetite
is still off, her red counts are low, and she’s just… Is that a tree house?” Ella stopped, gawking up at the tree house we’d built between two pines.
“Like it?”
She laughed. “You built him a tree house. He always wanted one.” That laugh turned to a small indrawn breath as her face contorted with sadness for a moment. Then she squeezed my hand and forced a smile. “Thank you. Ryan…he and…well, you built it, and it’s amazing.”
Ryan and Chaos. I knew exactly where she’d been going with that one.
I’m right here. I never left you. But I did destroy you.
I didn’t say any of those things, simply kissed her wrist. “Want to see?” “Yes!”
I led her to the ladder, where Colt and Maisie stood. “Okay, Colt, why don’t you take your mom up?”
“Okay!”
“You sure this thing can support our weight?” Ella asked as she watched
Colt climb. The kid scurried up the ladder with a freakish quickness. He was going to be one hell of a climber when he grew up.
“It had half the search and rescue team on it last week,” I told her. “Unless you’re going up there with ten of you, we’re good.”
“Called in the big guns, huh?” she teased.
Colt screamed, and I looked up to see him fall from the top of the ladder.
Shit!
I stepped forward, arms outstretched and ready as Ella gasped.
Just before he would have reached me, he caught himself, his little hands grasping the thick center of the wooden rung.
“Colt!” Ella shrieked.
He found his footing on the rung above my hands and looked down on us with a huge grin. “That was cool.”
I sucked in a lungful of air and blew it out slowly, willing my heart to get out of my stomach. That kid was going to be the death of me.
“That was not cool!” Ella yelled, her voice pitched high and borderline panicked.
“I’m fine. See?” He let go of the ladder in a quick release and grabbed it again before falling back.
“Knock it off! I’ve spent weeks in the hospital with your sister, and I’m not prepared to go back!”
“Okay, okay,” he muttered and climbed back up, making it to the top of the ladder and disappearing through the hatch.
“You okay?” I asked Ella.
She took two steps and buried her face in my chest with a huge sigh. “He’s fine. It was just a slip.” My arms closed around her, and I kissed
the top of her head. “Accidents happen.”
“I don’t have enough energy for accidents. Can’t we just put them both in a bubble?”
“I’ll work on building one of those next.” I glanced over at Maisie, who was studying the tree house supports. “What do you think?”
“It’s awesome!” She grinned.
“Today, you’re my favorite.”
“I heard that!” Colt yelled down, directly above us. “Send her up or walk the plank!”
“No one is walking a plank,” Ella warned me as she left my arms and started up the ladder.
“There’s no plank,” I promised her.
“I think you have that backward,” Maisie called up to Colt. “We’re already down here.”
“Whatever! Get up here!”
“Watch this,” I told Maisie, pulling the net harness down from where it was stored on the tree. I spread it out with one hand and sat her in it with the other. “Now hold on to the sides.”
Her eyes lit up as the net rose around her, and she grasped the edges, hooking her fingers through the white loops. “Really?”
“Ella, prepare to receive!” I called up. I looked through the secondary hatch and saw Ella nod, confused but ready. Then I went to the pulley and started to heft Maisie upward.
“Ahhh! This is so cool!” she squealed.
She made it through the hatch, and Ella got her out of the seat. Then I took the ladder and met my little family on the porch. We were about fifteen feet in the air, and we’d chosen a spot where the kids could see the lake. The kids, who were currently checking out the cool things Colt had asked for in the tree house, like a table and chairs, a play kitchen, and a giant cardboard tube we’d painted red because he wanted to call the tree house “the Death Star.”
“This is amazing,” Ella said, wrapping her arms around my waist. “Ryan would have loved it.”
“Yeah, but he’d wanted a giant trampoline for Colt to jump on from up here.”
Her eyes flew wide.
“Well, Colt asked for a zip line.” “From up here?”
“Hey, he’s your kid,” I said with a shrug and hugged her closer to me.
“I like this,” she whispered. “Coming home to you, knowing Colt wasn’t lonely.”
“Me, too.” I kissed her forehead. “It’s all really normal, and I know it sounds crazy, but I’m really loving normal. Spending time with you and the kids, getting you alone whenever I can, it’s really…”
“Perfect,” she supplied.
“Perfect,” I agreed, looking over my shoulder to make sure the kids were occupied before I kissed her.
Our lips met, and then Ella deepened it. I was more than happy to oblige. Our tongues touched briefly, and then we broke apart, hearing the kids coming.
“Isn’t it so cool? It’s like you’re all alone up here!” Colt said. “Almost alone,” Ella answered, shooting me a knowing smirk.
“Almost, but not quite,” I agreed over the kids’ heads as they looked out at the lake.
“I love it,” Maisie told me with a grin. “Then it was all worth it.”
They ran to the other side of the house, and Ella leaned against my back, wrapping her arms around me.
“Can I get you alone later?” she asked, her hands skimming under my shirt to run the lines of my abs.
“Yes, as many times as you can handle.” God, I wanted her. Needed to get her under me, over me, around me. Needed to feel connected to her in the way that only sex gave us, the moments when there were no worries, no cancer, no kids underfoot, just us and the love we had for each other.
Before she could answer, my phone rang. I reached between us to my back pocket and pulled it out, swiping to answer. “Gentry.”
“Hey, I know you’re not on call this weekend, but we’ve got some lost hikers,” Mark’s voice came through the line.
I sighed. All I wanted to do was have dinner with the kids, tuck their smiling faces into bed, and then get very alone with their mother.
“How lost?”
“They missed their check-in four hours ago.”
“Go,” Ella urged, kissing my arm where skin met shirt. “I know you’re needed. Go.”
“I’ll be there in twenty.” I hung up the phone and pulled Ella into my arms. “I’m so sorry. This is the last thing I want to do right now.”
“Oh, trust me, you’re the only thing I want to do right now,” she said with a kiss on my chin before releasing me. “Stay with me tonight after you’re done?”
I nodded. We limited sleepovers, but I wasn’t arguing. Not tonight. “I’ll be back as soon as possible. I promise,” I told her before kissing the kids on the forehead as they ran by again. “Can you get Maisie down?”
“I’ve got this. Go,” Ella ordered.
I let my eyes roam her body and sighed in a pout. “Tourists.”
She flat-out laughed. “Hey, this is normal life. You were the one championing normal, right?”
“As long as normal means I come home to you tonight, I’m good with it.”
And I was. Me, the guy who never wanted roots, was all about laying them deep here. This was what I wanted. This life. Ella. Colt. Maisie.
Normal. Everyday, ordinary normal.
I just needed Maisie to live, because there was no normal without her in
it.
