It is of course well known that careless talk costs lives, but the full scale of the problem is not always appreciated.
For instance, at the very moment that Arthur said โI seem to be y
having tremendous difficulty with my lifestyle,โ a freak wormhole opened up in the fabric of the space-time continuum and carried his words far far back in time across almost infinite reaches of space to a distant Galaxy where strange and warlike beings were poised on the brink of frightful interstellar battle.
The two opposing leaders were meeting for the last time.
A dreadful silence fell across the conference table as the commander of the Vlโhurgs, resplendent in his black jewelled battle shorts, gazed levelly at the GโGugvuntt leader squatting opposite him in a cloud of green sweet-smelling steam, and, with a million sleek and horribly beweaponed star cruisers poised to unleash electric death at his single word of command, challenged the vile creature to take back what it had said about his mother.
The creature stirred in his sickly broiling vapour, and at that very moment the words I seem to be having tremendous difficulty with my lifestyle drifted across the conference table.
Unfortunately, in the Vlโhurg tongue this was the most dreadful insult imaginable, and there was nothing for it but to wage terrible war for centuries.
Eventually of course, after their Galaxy had been decimated over a few thousand years, it was realized that the whole thing had been a ghastly mistake, and so the two opposing battle fleets settled their few remaining differences in order to launch a joint attack on our own Galaxy
โ now positively identified as the source of the offending remark.
For thousands more years the mighty ships tore across the empty wastes of space and finally dived screaming on to the first planet they came across -which happened to be the Earth โ where due to a terrible miscalculation of scale the entire battle fleet was accidentally swallowed by a small dog.
Those who study the complex interplay of cause and effect in the history of
the Universe say that this sort of thing is going on all the time, but that we are powerless to prevent it.
โItโs just life,โ they say.
A short aircar trip brought Arthur and the old Magrathean to a doorway. They left the car and went through the door into a waiting room full of glass-topped tables and perspex awards. Almost immediately, a light flashed above the door at the other side of the room and they entered.
โArthur! Youโre safe!โ a voice cried.
โAm I?โ said Arthur, rather startled. โOh good.โ
The lighting was rather subdued and it took him a moment or so to see Ford, Trillian and Zaphod sitting round a large table beautifully decked out with exotic dishes, strange sweetmeats and bizarre fruits. They were stuffing their faces.
โWhat happened to you?โ demanded Arthur.
โWell,โ said Zaphod, attacking a boneful of grilled muscle, โour guests here have been gassing us and zapping our minds and being generally weird and have now given us a rather nice meal to make it up to us. Here,โ
he said hoiking out a lump of evil smelling meat from a bowl, โhave some Vegan Rhinoโs cutlet. Itโs delicious if you happen to like that sort of thing.โ
โHosts?โ said Arthur. โWhat hosts? I donโt see anyโฆโ
A small voice said, โWelcome to lunch, Earth creature.โ Arthur glanced around and suddenly yelped.
โUgh!โ he said. โThere are mice on the table!โ
There was an awkward silence as everyone looked pointedly at Arthur.
He was busy staring at two white mice sitting in what looked like whisky glasses on the table. He heard the silence and glanced around at everyone.
โOh!โ he said, with sudden realization. โOh, Iโm sorry, I wasnโt quite prepared
forโฆโ y
โLet me introduce you,โ said Trillian. โArthur this is Benji mouse.โ
โHi,โ said one of the mice. His whiskers stroked what must have been a touch sensitive panel on the inside of the whisky-glass like affair, and it moved forward slightly.
โAnd this is Frankie mouse.โ
The other mouse said, โPleased to meet you,โ and did likewise. Arthur gaped.
โBut arenโt theyโฆโ
โYes,โ said Trillian, โthey are the mice I brought with me from the Earth.โ
She looked him in the eye and Arthur thought he detected the tiniest resigned shrug.
โCould you pass me that bowl of grated Arcturan Megadonkey?โ she said. Slartibartfast coughed politely.
โEr, excuse me,โ he said.
โYes, thank you Slartibartfast,โ said Benji mouse sharply, โyou may go.โ โWhat? Ohโฆ er, very well,โ said the old man, slightly taken aback,
โIโll just go and get on with some of my fjords then.โ
โAh, well in fact that wonโt be necessary,โ said Frankie mouse. โIt looks very much as if we wonโt be needing the new Earth any longer.โ He swivelled his pink little eyes. โNot now that we have found a native of the planet who was there seconds before it was destroyed.โ
โWhat?โ cried Slartibartfast, aghast. โYou canโt mean that! Iโve got a thousand glaciers poised and ready to roll over Africa!โ
โWell perhaps you can take a quick skiing holiday before you dismantle them,โ said Frankie, acidly.
โSkiing holiday!โ cried the old man. โThose glaciers are works of art! Elegantly sculptured contours, soaring pinnacles of ice, deep majestic ravines! It would be sacrilege to go skiing on high art!โ
โThank you Slartibartfast,โ said Benji firmly. โThat will be all.โ
โYes sir,โ said the old man coldly, โthank you very much. Well, goodbye Earthman,โ he said to Arthur, โhope the lifestyle comes together.โ
With a brief nod to the rest of the company he turned and walked sadly out of the room.
Arthur stared after him not knowing what to say. โNow,โ said Benji mouse, โto business.โ
Ford and Zaphod clinked their glasses together. โTo business!โ they said.
โI beg your pardon?โ said Benji. Ford looked round.
โSorry, I thought you were proposing a toast,โ he said.
The two mice scuttled impatiently around in their glass transports.
Finally they composed themselves, and Benji moved forward to address Arthur.
โNow, Earth creature,โ he said, โthe situation we have in effect is this. We have, as you know, been more or less running your planet for the last ten million years in order to find this wretched thing called the Ultimate Question.โ
โWhy?โ said Arthur, sharply.
โNo โ we already thought of that one,โ said Frankie interrupting,
โbut it doesnโt fit the answer. Why? โ Forty-Twoโฆ you see, it doesnโt work.โ โNo,โ said Arthur, โI mean why have you been doing it?โ
โOh, I see,โ said Frankie. โWell, eventually just habit I think, to be brutally honest. And this is more or less the point โ weโre sick to the teeth with the whole thing, and the prospect of doing it all over again on account of those whinnet-ridden Vogons quite frankly gives me the screaming heeby jeebies, you know what I mean? It was by the merest lucky y
chance that Benji and I finished our particular job and left the planet early for a quick holiday, and have since manipulated our way back to Magrathea by the good offices of your friends.โ
โMagrathea is a gateway back to our own dimension,โ put in Benji.
โSince when,โ continued his murine colleague, โwe have had an offer of a quite enormously fat contract to do the 5D chat show and lecture circuit back in our own dimensional neck of the woods, and weโre very much inclined to take it.โ
โI would, wouldnโt you Ford?โ said Zaphod promptingly. โOh yes,โ said Ford, โjump at it, like a shot.โ
Arthur glanced at them, wondering what all this was leading up to.
โBut weโve got to have a product you see,โ said Frankie, โI mean ideally we still need the Ultimate Question in some form or other.โ
Zaphod leaned forward to Arthur.
โYou see,โ he said, โif theyโre just sitting there in the studio looking very relaxed and, you know, just mentioning that they happen to know the Answer to Life, the Universe and Everything, and then eventually have to admit that in fact itโs Forty-two, then the showโs probably quite short. No follow-up, you see.โ
โWe have to have something that sounds good,โ said Benji.
โSomething that sounds good?โ exclaimed Arthur. โAn Ultimate Question that sounds good? From a couple of mice?โ
The mice bristled.
โWell, I mean, yes idealism, yes the dignity of pure research, yes the pursuit of truth in all its forms, but there comes a point Iโm afraid where you begin to suspect that if thereโs any real truth, itโs that the entire multi-dimensional infinity of the Universe is almost certainly being run by a bunch of maniacs. And if it comes to a choice between spending yet another ten million years finding that out, and on the other hand just taking the money and running, then I for one could do with the exercise,โ said Frankie.
โButโฆโ started Arthur, hopelessly.
โHey, will you get this, Earthman,โ interrupted Zaphod. โYou are a last generation product of that computer matrix, right, and you were there right up to the moment your planet got the finger, yeah?โ
โErโฆโ
โSo your brain was an organic part of the penultimate configuration of the computer programme,โ said Ford, rather lucidly he thought.
โRight?โ said Zaphod.
โWell,โ said Arthur doubtfully. He wasnโt aware of ever having felt an organic part of anything. He had always seen this as one of his problems.
โIn other words,โ said Benji, steering his curious little vehicle right over to Arthur, โthereโs a good chance that the structure of the question is encoded in the structure of your brain โ so we want to buy it off you.โ
โWhat, the question?โ said Arthur. โYes,โ said Ford and Trillian.
โFor lots of money,โ said Zaphod.
โNo, no,โ said Frankie, โitโs the brain we want to buy.โ โWhat!โ
โI thought you said you could just read his brain electronically,โ
protested Ford.
โOh yes,โ said Frankie, โbut weโd have to get it out first. Itโs got to be prepared.โ
โTreated,โ said Benji. โDiced.โ
โThank you,โ shouted Arthur, tipping up his chair and backing away from the table in horror.
โIt could always be replaced,โ said Benji reasonably, โif you think itโs important.โ
y
โYes, an electronic brain,โ said Frankie, โa simple one would suffice.โ โA simple one!โ wailed Arthur.
โYeah,โ said Zaphod with a sudden evil grin, โyouโd just have to program it to say What? and I donโt understand and Whereโs the tea? โ
whoโd know the difference?โ
โWhat?โ cried Arthur, backing away still further.
โSee what I mean?โ said Zaphod and howled with pain because of something that Trillian did at that moment.
โIโd notice the difference,โ said Arthur.
โNo you wouldnโt,โ said Frankie mouse, โyouโd be programmed not to.โ Ford made for the door.
โLook, Iโm sorry, mice old lads,โ he said. โI donโt think weโve got a deal.โ
โI rather think we have to have a deal,โ said the mice in chorus, all the charm vanishing fro their piping little voices in an instant. With a tiny whining shriek their two glass transports lifted themselves off the table, and swung through the air towards Arthur, who stumbled further backwards into a blind
corner, utterly unable to cope or think of anything.
Trillian grabbed him desperately by the arm and tried to drag him towards the door, which Ford and Zaphod were struggling to open, but Arthur was dead weight โ he seemed hypnotized by the airborne rodents swooping towards him.
She screamed at him, but he just gaped.
With one more yank, Ford and Zaphod got the door open. On the other side of it was a small pack of rather ugly men who they could only assume were the heavy mob of Magrathea. Not only were they ugly themselves, but the medical equipment they carried with them was also far from pretty.
They charged.
So โ Arthur was about to have his head cut open, Trillian was unable to help him, and Ford and Zaphod were about to be set upon by several thugs a great deal heavier and more sharply armed than they were.
All in all it was extremely fortunate that at that moment every alarm on the planet burst into an earsplitting din.